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Josh did as little as possible this weekend other than suck up alcohol.  He helped a little around the house but saw fit to bitch about as much of it as possible and criticize me at every opportunity.  When I would try to talk to him, he’d get defensive.  I’m the mental one and yet he was the one who was a moody fucking bitch the entire time.

He did finally admit that he’s pretty stressed about the tax situation.  Really?  You knew AS THIS WAS GOING ON that it would eventually come back to bite you squarely in the ass.  It should be no surprise to anyone who was raised in this country that the government expects a portion of your income to be paid to them on a regular basis.  If they don’t get that money when they want it, they come after you.  It’s really just that simple.

He mentioned to me the other day that one of the guys at the shop regularly works 60 hours a week – which would mean 20 hours of overtime a week or an entire extra week on each paycheck.  I suggested to him that he talk to his boss about maybe working some extra hours himself.  Not a whole 20 – don’t think he could pull that off with being in school – but maybe staying late a few hours on the nights he doesn’t have school.  Every suggestion I had he shot down.

There is literally NOTHING else I can do at this point to make more money.  I’m having a hard enough time balancing my career with the one class I’m taking and still trying to maintain my part of the responsibilities around the house.  The burden of finding and bringing in more money lies squarely on his shoulders.  He needs to either find a better paying job or make the one he has now pay better, bottom line.

And he hates what he does but he has no idea what he’d rather do.  The longest he’s ever held a job is 5 years and that was only because he was able to carry health insurance on his and his ex before she was his wife and they had a good paid time off package.  He didn’t really like it and wouldn’t have stayed otherwise.  I tried brainstorming with him to try to get some ideas of other things he would enjoy doing for an occupation, but that was almost entirely pointless.  He has no ambition and no goals other than getting this welding degree and the only reason he’s even doing that is because welders make more money.  He’s not especially enjoying being in school and the welding mostly frustrates him.

This is almost entirely alien to me.

I’ve known since kindergarten that I wanted to be a teacher.  When I was part way through my undergrad degree I realized that I don’t belong in a classroom with children – I lack the necessary patience.  So I changed majors to something more akin to adult education, or as close as you can get around here.  I’ve had training as some facet of both of the jobs I’ve had since graduating.  Yes – BOTH jobs, I’ve only had 2 since graduating college the first time in 1999.  I’ve been here at the university since 2001.  I don’t necessarily make a whole lot of money, but I love what I do, the people are phenomenal, the benefits are stellar, and I believe in the “product” I put out.

I’m really just getting to the point where I don’t know what to do with him, for him, about him.  He’s wearing me out.  I don’t really enjoy spending time with him anymore and I find myself looking forward to being in class more than I look forward to seeing him.  All the talking I did this weekend feels wasted – I might as well have been talking to the cat.

And I’m a little concerned that the lack of sleep is starting to bring out the hypomania.  I could feel myself talking too fast this weekend and actually putting effort into being funny.  When I asked Josh if he had noticed anything he completely brushed me off.  When I asked Mom the exact same question she told me that she was keeping an eye on me but that it struck her that I was acting like I did when I was a kid and had gotten myself too tired but just wouldn’t fall asleep.  So at least one person loves me and is looking out for me.

So I’m a little afraid right now and I’m doing my best to not let it take control.  I’m trying to think about the things that are working well right now and focus on those.  I was able to get the basement pretty well back in shape this weekend.  It’s still not quite my safe place again, but it’s tons better.  The landlord isn’t going to kick me out because I can’t cover rent.  If I can’t afford groceries, she’ll help feed me.  I’ve got way more clothes than I need so I don’t have to worry about going naked.  I’ve got several friends here at work who will hug me when I need it.  And even though my brain is a little broken, it’s still pretty awesome and mostly works well for me.

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