Dear Instructor Douche Bag,
I realize that you have no concern for my schedule, my feelings, or the amount of time I’ve already wasted trying to help you. That was made patently obvious by the email you sent me yesterday at 7:55pm – well after anyone’s normal working hours. What you’re not seeing is that it really isn’t my fault that you’re entirely too fucking stupid to use the system properly. I recall having shown you how to make an online test no less than 5 times over the course of the last 6 weeks. You’ve managed to fuck it up every time. I’ve shown lots of other people precisely the same thing over the last few years and no one has managed to have anywhere near the amount of trouble that you have.
Yes, the system is setup to allow you to weight your grades – it doesn’t mean you have to do that. I have honestly never in all my 5 years working with this system seen anyone do their weighting quite as bizarre as you do. And I was able to do the math using your numbers and get the percentage the system did. But no, you can’t possibly admit that maybe you’re wrong. And really, totally not my fault you’re using an outdated version of Excel and can’t open the spreadsheet I sent you to prove the calculations are right.
I really don’t appreciate you telling me that you’ll be stopping by my office at 11 and that you expect me to be there. Again, you sent your message well after business hours so I didn’t receive it until I arrived this morning. You really don’t even know at this point if I’m here today or not. And with all of the unpleasant things you put in your message, I don’t really find myself giving a fuck if your test needs to be put out tomorrow or not. I’d really like to tell you to just go fuck yourself. Maybe I already had a meeting scheduled at 11, maybe I’m off campus again today, maybe that’s my normal lunch hour and I’d rather sit alone in a quiet room and eat Cheetos than talk to you ever again – you just don’t fucking know.
My honest opinion at this point is that you are entirely too fucking old and stupid to be teaching an online class. Do the world a favor and just retire already.
Sincerely,
A Very Pissed Off Support Person
Mental in the Midwest 
Ah, the word douchebag. Gotta love it..
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I’m telling ya, he well and truly is.
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It feels good to read your open letter – I would like to write such a “love-letter” to this b..ch of our tax office too.
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I really encourage you to do so, honestly. It made me feel better to get it all out and then when he called to see why I hadn’t answered his email I felt better prepared to deal with him.
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Holy crap is he my boss? How lovely, to be treated as if you are around for his every whim just because he didn’t bother to learn his software. You can’t save some of them Mama.
If you ever want a laugh remind me to tell you what happens when you put a doctor in front of a photocopier. They can fix our insides and cure our maladies (well, not mine, apparently) but they can’t figure out that the big green button means GO.
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When I get enough time I’ll post the rest of the story wherein I get my subtle revenge by being right while he was proven to be a miserable asshole.
We have a joke around here that PhD really stands for “piled higher and deeper” – I’m guessing we could figure out something equally appropriate for the MDs.
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Haha! Awesome. I love it when you get to bitch slap someone who is being a creep with logic, sound reasoning, and proof. 😉
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My philosophy has always been “give a douche precisely enough rope and then stand back and watch him hang himself.” Works pretty well every time.
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