Ah yes, I remember this place. This is the place where I’m not allowed to express that I’m stressed out or having a bad day. This is the place where I continue to make every fucking decision. This is the place where I try to tell him that it just fucking crushes me that I always have to be the one to say something about having sex and even when I do he pushes back with “if you want to” and he just completely ignores that part of the conversation.
Yes, that place.
I’m tired, so very fucking tired. My body seems to be adjusting to less sleep but it’s not exactly happy about it. Shrinky-poo told me when I saw her last to just try my best to get adequate sleep on the weekends and the nights I did get home on time and that it would kind of balance itself out. The problem is that even on the nights I’m home right after work, my body is used to staying up late and so I can’t really fall asleep any earlier. It doesn’t seem to be a huge problem, but it makes getting started in the mornings hard. Josh actually yelled at me to get up this morning. Not exactly a super way to start things.
I was, admittedly, less than pleasant to him. According to his side of the story, I’ve been less than pleasant for awhile now. Probably so. But let’s see here – I get to do his homework and mine, summer is crazy busy for me at work, our basement is a disaster still and will be until the construction is done, my entire last weekend was shit, and he dropped that $20k of tax bullshit at my feet. Perhaps I have legitimate reasons to be less than pleasant?
I don’t know anymore, and I guess the more important thing is that I’m getting to the point where I just don’t fucking care. I never do anything right in his eyes. The sex thing is really just tearing me up inside. And he continues to prove that he is entirely helpless. I’m pretty well at the end of my rope with this. Again.
We don’t ever actually talk about the things that are bothering us. When I try to air my feelings, he refuses to make eye contact and gives very clear body language that he’s not interested in what I’m saying. That frustrates me so I get less careful about the words I’m using and I end up saying something entirely hurtful just to get a reaction. He won’t tell me anything unless I poke him for a few hours and then it comes out as pure venom. It’s 100% unhealthy and I have not a clue in hell what to do about it.
It’s a difficult thing for most of us to live in this world. We all have stress, we all have obligations, we all have lots of things we’d really rather not have to do. Add in a couple of mental health diagnoses and it’s even more difficult. And I really suspect that Josh has a Dx hiding in there somewhere that probably should be treated. I just can’t go there right now.
I know that part of my problem is that I haven’t been doing much of anything lately to take care of myself, mainly because I just don’t feel like I ever have time. I work the DBT skills when I find myself stressing, but that’s not the same. I need some time to be able to just hang loose and do my own thing. I’ve got tomorrow afternoon off work, hopefully to spend with Mom, but I’m not even sure what would be best to do. And, worse, I STILL haven’t paid bills and haven’t the foggiest idea how much money I may or may not have at this point.
I can’t leave this post on such a low fucking note…
Got an email from a prof this morning who attended last Friday’s class. He had this to say:
And, by the way, thanks for the terrific class last week—you are a very gifted teacher.
That’s a much better sort of email to get first thing in the morning, don’t you think?