anxiety, divorce, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, money, motivation, my husband the fat ass, random shit that falls out of my brain, sex, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work
It’s been a terribly interesting day. Emphasis on terribly.
Josh has mostly been pretending that he’s not a raging fucking douche bag and I’ve been mostly pretending he doesn’t exist. The general consensus among the folks who’s opinions matter is that he’s behaving like an ill-mannered toddler. I really don’t have time for that right now, never mind the fact that I have no patience for small children.
I have managed to get things mostly ready for my new class tomorrow morning. I got the sample pieces I needed done and my syllabus is, well, utter shit, but I’m going to just roll with it. I know what I’m doing, I’m just not sure how to put it down on paper. I’ll eventually need to get that done so that one of my colleagues could potentially teach it were I ever to find myself with a session scheduled and some reason I wasn’t able to be here for it. This is quite possibly the last organized I have ever been in putting a class together and I am not the least bit satisfied with what I’ve done. Nothing to do for it now but make the best of it.
I’m rather warm and rather shaky right now. I could turn on the fan – sitting next to me – but last time I did that my contact lenses nearly flew out of my eyes. Right, get up and move it. That’s better. Not 100% sure what the shakes are coming from. I’ve eaten today – perhaps a touch less than usual, but still a reasonable amount – and I’ve had plenty of fluids. And some caffeine. Might be stress. Yes, almost certainly stress.
It seems to me that Josh has been treating me pretty poorly lately. Let’s be honest kids, he’s been treating me poorly pretty well from day 1, but this feels different. This feels sly and underhanded. This feels like he’s trying to manipulate me even worse than usual. This almost feels like punishment.
And, the funny thing, I don’t know that I so much care anymore. Seeing in black and white last night precisely how much money I earn in a year hammered something home for me – I don’t need him. His companionship, such that it is these days, is alright – but as far as supporting myself goes, I don’t need anything from him. He isn’t even making enough money to cover his own bills, let alone help with anything we’ve accrued as a couple. And I think perhaps he’s starting to realize that I don’t need him – HE needs ME.
I would suspect that he’s – maybe – finally realized that if he hadn’t met me and I hadn’t taken him in like a stray dog that he’d either be living on the streets by now or dead. I rescued his sorry ass and this is how he repays me. Nice.
He’s under the impression that we’re having sex when I get home. Gotta tell ya kids, really not interested in that shit. I don’t have anything against big guys – Rob was big but I always found him dead sexy because his personality was just amazing. Josh is really nothing more than a fat, lazy, old douche bag – how sexy is that? Don’t get me wrong – I’m a big girl myself. But I’ve been this exact size since I was 21 years old. Josh has put on close to 50lbs since we met and it’s all in his gut. Seriously, he looks 10 months pregnant. It’s disgusting.
Wish me luck kids, it’s gonna be an interesting evening…