Tags
anxiety, divorce, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, money, motivation, my husband the fat ass, random shit that falls out of my brain, sex, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work
It’s been a terribly interesting day. Emphasis on terribly.
Josh has mostly been pretending that he’s not a raging fucking douche bag and I’ve been mostly pretending he doesn’t exist. The general consensus among the folks who’s opinions matter is that he’s behaving like an ill-mannered toddler. I really don’t have time for that right now, never mind the fact that I have no patience for small children.
I have managed to get things mostly ready for my new class tomorrow morning. I got the sample pieces I needed done and my syllabus is, well, utter shit, but I’m going to just roll with it. I know what I’m doing, I’m just not sure how to put it down on paper. I’ll eventually need to get that done so that one of my colleagues could potentially teach it were I ever to find myself with a session scheduled and some reason I wasn’t able to be here for it. This is quite possibly the last organized I have ever been in putting a class together and I am not the least bit satisfied with what I’ve done. Nothing to do for it now but make the best of it.
I’m rather warm and rather shaky right now. I could turn on the fan – sitting next to me – but last time I did that my contact lenses nearly flew out of my eyes. Right, get up and move it. That’s better. Not 100% sure what the shakes are coming from. I’ve eaten today – perhaps a touch less than usual, but still a reasonable amount – and I’ve had plenty of fluids. And some caffeine. Might be stress. Yes, almost certainly stress.
It seems to me that Josh has been treating me pretty poorly lately. Let’s be honest kids, he’s been treating me poorly pretty well from day 1, but this feels different. This feels sly and underhanded. This feels like he’s trying to manipulate me even worse than usual. This almost feels like punishment.
And, the funny thing, I don’t know that I so much care anymore. Seeing in black and white last night precisely how much money I earn in a year hammered something home for me – I don’t need him. His companionship, such that it is these days, is alright – but as far as supporting myself goes, I don’t need anything from him. He isn’t even making enough money to cover his own bills, let alone help with anything we’ve accrued as a couple. And I think perhaps he’s starting to realize that I don’t need him – HE needs ME.
I would suspect that he’s – maybe – finally realized that if he hadn’t met me and I hadn’t taken him in like a stray dog that he’d either be living on the streets by now or dead. I rescued his sorry ass and this is how he repays me. Nice.
He’s under the impression that we’re having sex when I get home. Gotta tell ya kids, really not interested in that shit. I don’t have anything against big guys – Rob was big but I always found him dead sexy because his personality was just amazing. Josh is really nothing more than a fat, lazy, old douche bag – how sexy is that? Don’t get me wrong – I’m a big girl myself. But I’ve been this exact size since I was 21 years old. Josh has put on close to 50lbs since we met and it’s all in his gut. Seriously, he looks 10 months pregnant. It’s disgusting.
Wish me luck kids, it’s gonna be an interesting evening…
Pen said:
Army is a larger gentleman and I don’t have any issue with it. It’s more personality for me as well. But if they’re treating you like shit in general, doesn’t matter what they look like. They don’t deserve jack. Stay strong!
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Mental Mama said:
My first husband was a pretty boy and a total douche – I learned my lesson. I used to find Josh attractive, it’s just lately since he’s been acting so terrible I have a hard time even looking at him without feeling disgusted. It just pours out of him that he has no respect for me.
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merbear74 said:
Hon, if it makes you feel better, I just got notice of impending foreclosure on my condo because we can’t afford to pay our association fee’s..I have so much guilt..Big hugs to both of us..
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Mental Mama said:
Fucksticks, that is terrible. I wish there was something I could do to help you sweetie. The suck is just going around right now for some reason. If you need someone to vent to, you know where to find me. *hugs*
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merbear74 said:
I will sweetie..I keep repeating Sir Paul…Let it be, let it be…*hugs*
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Mental Mama said:
I hope this shit works the same for you – when it feels like I’ve hit absolute rock bottom, I keep pushing. If I keep pushing long enough, the solution to my problem is presented to me. I just have to hang in there and never give up the faith.
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merbear74 said:
Yes, we have gotten this fucking far, right? Keep on pushing, and pray to ceiling cat…
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Mental Mama said:
We’re survivors. Life hasn’t beaten us yet, so we’ll get up and do this shit again tomorrow.
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merbear74 said:
Sigh…yes, we will…”The eye of the tiger it’s a …”what the fuck are the lyrics, anyways?
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Mental Mama said:
Fuck if I know.
So yeah, got home and there is yet another old unpaid bill for him to the tune of $400. Every fucking time I think I’m about to get ahead…
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merbear74 said:
I hear ya sister….
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Mental Mama said:
PS – NO, someone elses misery never makes me feel better. Helpless and sad, but never better.
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merbear74 said:
Yeah, I know…me either..I just needed to tell someone..lol
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Mental Mama said:
No worries honey, I get that entirely.
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bextc said:
I think I understand how you feel. My partner had a 5 year period where he was not working and would just sit on his ass in front of the PC all day playing games. I was working full-time, raising our son and trying to run the household. He became very unattractive at this time. He didn’t do anything to help me out but if his dinner wasn’t ready or his clothes were not washed he would be a complete dick and make me feel like I was not a good mother or “wife”. Then he would want sex… yeah like that was going to happen.
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easyweimaraner said:
I wish you all the luck of this slice earth – from the bottom of my heart
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Mental Mama said:
Thanks. 🙂
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