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My relationship with Josh is cyclical.  Things are good for awhile, things are bad for awhile, things are good for awhile…  Sometimes there’s a readily identifiable trigger that sets things off, sometimes not.  The longest things have ever been consistently good was probably a month.  The bad stretches have lasted much, much longer.

Things were fine when Josh was in his previous quarter at school.  It took me a few days to adjust to him being gone 4 nights a week, but once I did, everything was pretty great.  We got along, the sex was good, the conversations were great.  It was easily the happiest I’ve ever been with him.

And then I started my class.  He claims it was all me that got weird.  I claim it’s him and being threatened by me going out and having a life without him.  Lately he’s been mostly rude, almost entirely non-communicative, and hasn’t made me feel the least bit loved.  I try to talk to him about this and he gets confrontational.  He doesn’t look at me when I talk, he interrupts loudly, and he never claims to know what’s wrong.  The only tidbits I’ve been able to pry out of him lately is that he’s completely uncomfortable in his computer class because of the teacher and he isn’t feeling well physically.  When I asked him if I should make him an appointment to see his doctor he got mad again and said that he was sure he’d be fine.  He’s considerably overweight, has high blood pressure, smokes like a chimney, and drank very excessively for the better part of 20 years.  But yeah, he’s probably fine.

He insists that he’s happy and that there’s nothing wrong with our marriage.  Seems odd to me that he’s not really happy anymore if there’s really not anything wrong.  I know I’m not happy.  But I don’t know what I’m doing different.  I don’t feel like I’m doing things different, I’m not trying to be different.  All I’m trying to do is balance all of the many things life has been throwing at me lately.  And I know I’m dropping things.

I still make sure his bills get paid, I still make sure he gets fed, I still make sure he has clean clothes to wear to work, I still often make his sandwich and coffee for him – what the fuck?

And he seems to think that just telling me he loves me is magically going to make it all better somehow.  I told him yesterday that the opposite of love is indifference, and what I’ve been feeling from him lately is a whole lot of indifference.  He denied it, loudly and rudely – yet another thing that’s entirely in my head.  Everything is my fault, always has been.  Today he told me the problem is that I have a stick up my ass that’s been there all week.  Right, this is all me, just like it always has been.  He completely doesn’t understand that a marriage is a partnership of two equals, and for it to work both partners must contribute equally to its success.

Every time before when it’s come to the place where I’ve been ready to leave him, he just acts as though he’s going to leave.  No trying to talk to me about how we can make it work, no pleas to be allowed another chance – he just gets up and heads for the door.  And every time that triggers the feeling of being abandoned in me and I completely cave and start begging him to stay, promising how I will change and be better.

I’ve realized over the last few days that no matter how miserable I was when I was single, I was never as miserable as I am lately being with him.  I simply cannot keep torturing myself like this.  I am strong, smart, funny, loyal, and not bad looking.  I will make it in this world under my terms.  The time has come.

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