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We ended up talking for like two and half hours when he got home.  Like usual it was mostly me talking and him either grunting or yelling while not looking at me.  I told him all of the things that were bothering me and why.  He pretty well kept insisting that the majority of this is all in my head.  I kept going, thinking we’d hit a break through and he kept resisting me at every turn.  I finally broke down and told him the heart of what’s been bothering me which is our sex life.  I cried – he just looked at me.  He didn’t touch me or tell me he loved me or that he wanted to stay married through any of it.  I’ve been telling him for a few weeks now that I know something is wrong with him, I just can’t figure out what.  He told me that he feels like I’ve just been giving him more and more rope so he can hang himself.  I told him I always feel like the only reason he’s still here is because he has no where else to go.

Finally, when I felt like I had well and truly said everything I possibly could, he opened up.  He doesn’t feel right in his head.  The sleeping pills aren’t working like they used to.  Sometimes he says he feels absolutely nothing at all inside and will feel that way for days.  Sometimes he feels like he’s having every possible emotion at the same time and his brain just races.

I’m calling and making him an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday.  I strongly suspect he has Bipolar, and it’s just now really showing because of how he used to drink almost constantly.  It would explain a lot.

I’m scared and confused and kind of a little hurt.  I wish he would have felt like he could have said something sooner.  He says this has actually been going on for years, but since he’s never really known life to be any different, it never occurred to him to say anything.  And I get that, I was there once myself.

Anyway, he’s sleeping still and I’m trying to get some of the chores done before his daughter gets here.  This is really not the weekend for this, but I don’t really see as I have a choice.  Next week maybe things will be better because he only has to work 3 days and work seems to be a trigger for him lately.

It’s funny, when I tried to point out to him how immature he often is, he totally fucking lost it on me.  He accused me of having no sense of humor and said that this is the reason he never feels like he can be himself around me – I just don’t “get” him he says.  Really sorry dude, smearing those pus covered fingers under my nose probably would be funny if I was a 14 year old boy, but I’m not, so fucking knock it off.

I’m still kind of angry with him to be honest.  In order to even get as far as we did last night I had to pull out every trick in my bag.  We talked upstairs in the living room on the couch – so that there wasn’t the temptation to get into bed before everything was properly settled.  Every time he raised his voice, I lowered mine.  I looked at his face damn near the entire time and I made a point to ask him – gently – what his deal is with almost never making eye contact with me.  (sweet ceiling cat that pisses me off)  I made sure to point out that I was not, at any time, trying to attack him.  I apologized when I had done something I could tell hurt him.  I was as calm and collected as much as I could be, and when I couldn’t do it anymore, I got up and had a cigarette to re-center myself.  So I’m actually quite proud of how I handled my part.

But every time our relationship gets to the point where I feel like I’d be better off without him, it pretty well always goes down the same.  I try to talk to him – he won’t talk back to me appropriately.  I push to get an answer – he pushes back harder.  I finally get to the point where it seems utterly futile and give in and get naked.  Nothing gets solved and the next morning I wake up pissed off again.

Not so much today.  Today I’m just scared.

I’m hoping we broke the cycle last night by doing things different.  It was nice to hear him agree that maybe things really will be different now because it felt to both of us like this time we actually had gotten to the bottom of what’s going on.  Jesus christ I hope so, I can’t handle much more of this.

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