I really didn’t think it could get any worse… WRONG

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, sex, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

Before I left work I stopped in the ladies’ room.  It’s about a 30 minute drive to the doc’s office and I wanted to pee before I left.  As I was leaving the restroom I damn near got knocked over by some very tiny Asian woman who apparently waited too long.  She didn’t acknowledge me or say “excuse me” or anything.  That should have been a sign.

I drove to the doc’s office, peed again, and went up to the receptionist’s desk.  “What are you doing here?’  “I have an appointment.”  “Didn’t you get the message?  Your doctor is out today.  They called you last week to reschedule.”  Fuck.  No, I didn’t see the message because my stupid “smart” phone is not so keen on telling me when I have messages.  So I have to reschedule, but of course I couldn’t do that right then because I didn’t have my schedule.  Great…

So I went to the grocery store.  I was mad at Josh, but I knew there was no point in going and not getting the stuff he needed.  So I picked up a few things and headed home.  When I got there the contractor’s helper dude was there taking off a piece of trim from the closet in the entry to match stain for the woodwork in the basement.  His truck was parked smack ass in the middle of the driveway.  When I made it to the kitchen, the guy who had re-routed the dishwasher drain had spilled the Fry Daddy that lives under the sink and there was shit everywhere.  And when I went down to the basement to get changed I found that Evie Cat had shit on the rug in front of the sink.

Oh sweet ceiling cat, just fucking strike me dead right here and now…

My mom offered to come over with the girls and help me set everything to rights.  I told her that I really am a big girl and could handle it.  I sent Josh a text and told him that I was having the worst day I’d had in a very long time and that he had been warned.  His response – “Great.”  Really, that’s not the kind of answer you give someone who has Bipolar and still isn’t sleeping well.  I told him to just fucking go straight to school as I had zero interest in seeing him.

I got EVERYTHING done, including vacuuming up the broken glass from the lamp the other night, and parked myself on the sofa with some food tv.  He came in at 4:30 with Taco John’s, thinking that would make everything all better.  I talked to him a little bit and explained that when days like this happen I need some help, not bullshit.  He claimed that he’ll help this weekend and that he’ll try to be more understanding.  Then he left for class.

I settled in to watch more tv – that was all I was up for.  He was home by 6:30.  We hung out for a bit and then it was time for me to take my pills.  I went down and did that and laid down.  He told me he’d just go up and watch tv in the living room so that I could fall asleep BY MYSELF.  Yeah, cuz that’s what I need after a really long, shitty day – to be entirely alone.  And of course that meant I was upset and didn’t fall asleep very fast.  I woke up totally grumpy.

So now we’re at this morning and since we’ll both be home tonight, that means we’re having the sex discussion yet again.  I made the mistake of bumping into him in the shower and he took it as an advance.  I said something about “does this mean we have to have sex tonight?”  and he said that sounded great.  Great.

I just don’t get horny anymore.  Not for him, not for anyone.  Sex is on par with having dental work these days – I’m just not interested, thanks anyway.  And he’s mad at me because of it.  He’s fat, he’s lazy, he’s stupid, and he’s entirely annoying – oh yeah, that gets me so hot!!!   And he doesn’t listen.  I’ve been telling him for awhile now that I don’t get horny and he just seems totally surprised every time I have to tell him AGAIN that I don’t get those feelings anymore.  This is one of the things I had wanted to talk to the doctor about yesterday.

Anyway, I’m going to go try to see what all I can get done.  I need to leave early this afternoon because I realized yesterday that today is the end of the month and the license plates on the Honda are due today.  Ah yes, the excitement that is my life just never ends…

and again

Tags

bipolar disorder, divorce, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

I know that we’re getting into the busy time at work and that being busy at work makes me more likely to be grumpy at home.  But Josh is pushing buttons again, and that just makes me want to dig a shallow grave in the back yard.

He came home between work and school last night, for “smooches” he claimed.  He really just wanted to eat.  So he did and we kind of talked.  He left and I started in on chores.  Today is trash day and we always set it out Monday night.  Yeah, I got to do that all by myself.  I also got to scoop the cat box that he said he’d get the other day, make his lunch and mine, and make drinks for today.  I live for this shit.

I took my pills at 7:30 like I’m supposed to and headed downstairs.  I don’t know too many people who can sleep with a light on, so it was dark.  When Josh got home around 8:45 he woke me up by breaking his bedside lamp.  And blaming it on me.  And then of course he wanted to talk.  Right, after I’ve been woken up like that, I’m pretty well awake for the night.

Fast forward to morning – I get up for my shower.  He doesn’t say anything, but keeps touching me.  He finally leaves.  I’m almost to work and in a right hand turn lane that goes left.  The light changes and the guy next to me starts pulling out and then lays on his horn.  I immediately stop, totally unsure of what I’ve done.  Some asshat in a big SUV comes flying through the light, either completely oblivious or totally thinking the red light means GO for him.

And it’s just been non-stop bullshit since then.

I’m tired, my foot still hurts, Josh didn’t get smokes yesterday so I will likely run out, I’ve got my annual GP physical this afternoon, and then tonight I get to do all of my chores again.

But he’ll help.  Right.  He claims he helped all weekend and that he’ll help again this weekend.  Yup, I’m totally sure *that’s* gonna happen.  Whatever, I’m just apparently ungrateful.

not much time

Tags

divorce, kids, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

The closer we get to the start of the fall semester, the less time I have during the day – and not just for fucking around with y’all.  Here’s the cliff notes version of the weekend…

Friday night I kicked the corner of a wall so hard I was convinced I’d busted my pinky toe clean off.  Hurt like hell.  Josh decided he needed a night off homework.  We stayed up entirely too late watching Avengers with Mom.

Saturday he got up and left for work.  I took a shower and started in on chores.  Got everything by laundry done and ran to Costco with Mom.  Got back to the house when the brat was supposed to be there.  The ex did not text as she said she would.  They were almost 20 minutes late.  The brat has had her haircut again and looks entirely like an ugly little boy.  She’s thrilled that she can spike it and put it in a mohawk and she doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks about it.  I just can’t believe the ex actually paid money for such a shitty fucking haircut.  Oh, and she’d had a friend sleep over on Friday night and couldn’t remember how late they’d stayed awake.  She was bitchy as only a sleep deprived child can be.

My nieces came over for the sleep over.  The ex had completely neglected to tell the brat about it.  The kids played for awhile.  Mom asked me to help her with a project outside, only we couldn’t do it so we had to get Josh involved and he couldn’t do it.  Had to end up running to a rental place to get a special drill.  Mom and I then went to Target to buy the girls jackets seeing as it unseasonably cold here and none of them were dressed appropriately.

We went to dinner.  The kids all ate good.  Headed to a park near the house but had to leave because there were questionable people there.  Found a park closer to the house and it all seemed good.  When it was time to leave the baby niece refused.  We loaded the two other girls into Mom’s car and Josh and I got in the jeep.  We all made to drive away.  The baby finally came running.  This is a tactic my mom often had to employ with my sister.

Got home and had ice cream and watched one of the Ice Age movies.  I went to bed.  The girls were supposed to, but evidently didn’t.  My mom woke me up at 9 because she had to return the drill we rented and she wanted someone awake with the kids.  We had breakfast when she got home and then the kids did a craft.  Mom told my nieces they needed to go home after that.  The little one threw a fit again.  Mom just let her cry while she got everything packed up.  Josh told the brat we could take her home early or she could do something with me but he had to do homework.  She of course wanted to crochet with me.  I got her going while Josh did some reading.  He went and got lunch and then I insisted she leave.  The ex was at her office which is like 5 minutes from our house.

After she was gone I had to help him with homework.  We did that until dinner and then again after dinner.  At some point in the evening he insisted I take a shower with him.  At 7:30 I took my pills and laid down.  He hadn’t gotten the stuff he was behind on done yet and told me he was quitting for the night.

I spent damn near no time with him and certainly none of it quality.  Allegedly the floor in the basement will be done this week so next weekend I can start putting the basement back together.  Josh told me this morning that he’ll help.  Right, he couldn’t help hardly at all last weekend when I had 3 fucking kids to take care of, but this weekend when it’s just us he’s happy to help.  No, I got this.

what good are skills if you aren’t allowed to use them?

Tags

bipolar disorder, kids, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, school, sex, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

I spent damn near all day yesterday working on flyers, 3 of them.  Two had been in the works for a bit, but the other I just started yesterday.  Three flyers.  My boss had told me the other day that she wanted me to be able to put to use the skills I learned in that class this summer, but she keeps fucking with the designs at every possible opportunity.  So apparently the skills I’m allowed to use aren’t the design skills, but rather the software skills.  And that just fucking sucks.

Work in general kind of sucks right now.  She wants us to offer more this fall, but then she turns around and says we have to do this other big project so we need to decide what we’re cutting from the schedule.  But oh, by the way, the schedule is the one flyer I’m working on and it absolutely can’t be changed once we have it in print.  Excuse me?  Aren’t I supposed to be the Bipolar one of the bunch?

Now she’s talking about hiring someone new to help.  That’s great, but I’d really like to meet this person before that decision is made.  Sounds like they’ve already made the decision and we’ll be bringing this person on for a 6 month temp contract.  And my boss wants to know what of my work I want to give this person.  Hmm, let’s see – how about all of this bullshit you keep fucking changing your mind about, that sounds like a good start.

And the guy on our team is just driving me nuts.  He’s the hold up about getting the final schedule done.  Me and K have our stuff scheduled already – dates and times decided, rooms booked – it’s all good.  He’s got some questions about his stuff yet and won’t make up his mind.  And he’ll be going on vacation sometime between now and the start of the fall semester (8/26).  I asked my boss if she was really going to let him do that – seeing as there is no way in hell she’d let me take any vacation at this point – and she said of course she was.  Right, that seems totally fair.  The understanding has pretty well always been that no one was allowed to take time off in August, particularly not an entire fucking week.  But it’s T and T is apparently special, even though she bitches about him nonstop when he’s not around.  She actually went so far as to tell me yesterday that she’s come to the point where she’s giving him all the rope he needs to hang himself.  Nice.

Josh is also driving me nuts.  He’s sort of half assed doing a little bit of homework in the evenings – just enough to keep me off his back.  He looked at his grade for the class he hates last night and saw that he’s getting an F.  Not surprising to me at all.  He’s under the impression that if he buckles down he can pull that back up to a C.  Good luck bucko, I ain’t helping like you want me to.

And the brat comes over this weekend, as do my nieces.  The oldest will be starting kindergarten soon and wanted to have one more sleepover before school starts.  Hopefully it goes better this time.  I’d be fine if it was just my nieces, but having to deal with the brat this weekend might just prove more than I can handle.  Josh will be working until noon tomorrow morning so I’ll have to go pick her up.  I just hope she figures out how to keep her fucking mouth in line or I’ll be sorely tempted to set her straight.  I’ve got next to no patience left for anyone.

Josh keeps pushing sex and I’m having no part of it.  I put him off the last two days and I’m running out of reasons why it’s not a good idea.  I just really have no interest in it at all.  Might be because I don’t have any feelings for him when I look at him, might be because he’s really just a lazy slob, might be because my back still hurts – who knows.  He hasn’t been particularly nice or affectionate lately, which doesn’t help.  Yesterday he was apparently in such a rush to get home because he thought he was getting some that he forgot to stop and get smokes.  If I run out today…

I am sleeping pretty well, which is about the only thing saving me right now.  I’m hoping once this all sorts out that I can adjust the time I have to take everything.  I feel like a damn old woman having to lay down by 8pm all the time.  I see shrinky-poo on 8/5 for my next med check.

this post doesn’t suck (much)

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, sleep

I slept last night.  Appropriate and restful, blessed SLEEP.  I took the pills at 7:30ish, started settling myself, got into bed around 8ish, and I think I was down for the count shortly after 9.  I got up when the alarm went off this morning and I feel pretty decent.  I may have just discovered the Holy Grail.

In other news, the closet is pretty well back together.  The entire room that I used to refer to as my closet has been almost entirely rearranged.  It used to house the hanging rack for my clothes, a stand up freezer, full sized fridge, lots of storage tubs, furnace, and water heater.  Now it has a much shorter hanging rack on the opposite side of the room, freezer, furnace, water heater, toilet, sink/vanity.  I’ll probably bring back in a few of the storage tubs.  But while the contractor has been doing all this shit, my clothes have just been laying upstairs on the futon.  Having them back where they belong eases a considerable amount of my stress.  And I took the time to weed through them as I went so I got rid of a ton of stuff I was never going to wear again.  Yay!

Josh is making noise like he’ll actually start helping more.  I told him once we get the basement entirely back together and I get stuff setup like I want it, we WILL be keeping it picked up all the time.  The mess and clutter was just killing me.  Part of that was me, but a big part of it was him.  I won’t tolerate it anymore.

The floor is supposed to be done sometime this week.  I’ll believe it when I see it.  I’ll just be happy when I can put this whole mess behind me.

for those who care

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

Talked to shrinky-poo – the plan is to do the same pill line up as last night minus 1 Benadryl.  I’m supposed to take them earlier and then send a little prayer to ceiling cat that I get up on time.  Here’s hoping.

Josh and I had a respectable conversation after work.  He’s still an asshat, but he promised he’d be good tonight.  We’ll see.

Oh, shrinky-poo says the dumbs come from 9 weeks of sleep deprivation.  Go figure.

dumber than a box of hair

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

I have made so very many mistakes today that it may well not have been worth coming in to work.  Such is life.  For the time being I’m just trying not to accidentally kill myself with something soft, like a cookie.

In order to get to sleep last night it took 1500mg of Depakote, 900mg of Gabapentin, 5mg of Melatonin, and 2 Benadryl.  I was semi conscious when Josh left at 6:30.  I woke up full when Mom called at 8.  I had already arranged with my boss to arrive late this morning, and I’m really glad I did.  I feel a little better, but I know there’s still work to be done.

I’ve got a call in to shrinky-poo to see if this is something we discuss over the phone or if I move my next appointment up.  I’ll hear from her soon I hope.

Josh is still being a royal asshat.  I tried explaining to him that I need more help and, in particular, I need him to try to be better to me right before bed.  He continues to seem like he’d really rather just not discuss any of this.  And that’s fine.  I’m getting to the point where I don’t care.  He’s coming home tonight after work before he goes to class.  I told him it’s really ok with me if I don’t see him until later.  He says he’s just coming home to change shoes.  Yeah, lots of love there.

start collecting bail money

Tags

family, kids, love, mental health, mental illness, the world is full of fucking idiots

I don’t like kids, y’all know that.  I was actually afraid to have my own kids because I know just how little patience I have and how I get when I don’t have enough sleep.  Babies don’t let you sleep, hence, very little patience.  Toddlers will let you sleep, but they get mouthy, hence, very little patience.  Teenagers, we just won’t go there.  So I was afraid I might flip shit and hurt something small that totally didn’t deserve to be hurt.  Hence tubes tied, hence hysterectomy, end of story.

My sister opted to have kids, though only christ himself knows why.  She was miserable the whole time she was pregnant.  Her first kid had medical issues and they didn’t really bond.  She totally favors her second kid.  It’s come to the attention of everyone else around my sister that she is full on mental, but she’s in utter denial.

Last night she slapped the baby across the face.  Three times.

I don’t like kids, but what I really fucking hate is big people who hurt kids.  I’ll be making sure to keep extra distance between she and I, but heaven help her if I EVER see that kind of behavior.  I will take her down, mark my words.

isn’t it bed time yet?

Tags

bipolar disorder, divorce, hypomania, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, money, moods, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

So let’s see, what’s happened since last I spewed in your direction…

My eye is acting weird.  Same eye – the right – and I’m not sure why.  If I’m going to lose a contact in the wee hours of the morning, it’s always that one.  If I’m going to feel like there’s a boulder in my eye, always that one.  I’ve replaced my contacts fairly recently – I think – so who knows.  I’ll go digging later.

No contractor yet.  I was here until 9:40 and was back by 10:45.  The plumber, floor dude, and general dude were all allegedly making appearances.  Not happy.

Took the car to the mechanic and found out that I have a RAGING case of the dumbs.  They checked the system and it’s fine, but it works a whole lot better when you turn the selector dial thingy to “recirculate.”  I know I’ve known this before, honestly.  Anyway, they showed me and tried their best not to laugh.  I happily coughed up the $31 they wanted for having run the diagnostics.  And now it is spectacularly cold in there.

I worked on Josh’s homework this morning.  He needed a cover letter and resume printed for class tonight.  So I found a template for a cover letter and doctored it and then did my best to do an updated resume for him.  Only I really know next to nothing about his current job.  So I just left the little place holder bits there.  He won’t have time to fix that before class, isn’t that a shame.  I’m still working on typing the paper that he needed for last week and for this week, only I really can’t tell what he’s wanting me to do with the citations, so I’m typing it *precisely* as he has it written.  He can really just bite my ass at this point.  I asked him earlier if there was anything else I could do for him today and that fucking rat bastard had the nerve to tell me to relax.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????  No, the time to relax was over the weekend.  And if you really wanted me to relax, you shouldn’t have left me to do your fucking homework.  I told him it’s really just fine, I’ll relax when I’m dead.

So I’ve been thinking.  (scary, I know)  If he wants to do things barter style, that’s just fine with me.  I’ll do things for him if and when he does things for me that I deem of equal value.  Until then, I’m doing NOTHING for him.  And quite frankly, right now he’s got nothing I want.  Try that on for size Captain Douchebag.

update

Tags

alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, hypomania, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, sex, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

I’m ready to die.  Still next to no sleep.  I blame Josh for this 100%.  We have fought damn near the entire fucking weekend.  He doesn’t understand that if he winds me up right before bed time, I don’t sleep.  And he’s been winding as hard as he can.  I’m fucking sick of it.

And he’s still entirely fighting the school thing.  We talked about that a little bit this weekend and he doesn’t claim to know why he’s doing this either, but he acknowledges that he is.  He’s at least a week behind in the one class and expects me to bail his ass out by typing and submitting his paper for him.

He helped around the house a little – very fucking little – this weekend in exchange for help with his homework.  Yes kids, you heard me right – “I’ll help you only if you’ll help me.”  Dude, you live here for FREE.  My mom is an older woman, the decent thing to do is to help your mother in law.  But no, it’s all about exchange rates for him apparently.  And that’s fine, we’ll just setup a new system.  He’s just not going to like it.

In an attempt to not incur any further “debt” with him yesterday, Mom and I were moving small bits of furniture out of the basement because the contractor alleges that they’ll be starting the floor this week.  I was carrying my floor mirror up to the garage and managed to completely piss off all of the muscles across my lower back.  It doesn’t quite feel like a full blown spasm, but pretty close.  So I’m moving pretty slowly right now and that meant Josh had to help again – which meant I picked up another homework assignment to do.  He’s a douche.

We had gone out for dinner Friday night and then later in the evening he wanted sex, only it didn’t work.  No sleep that night.  Saturday he didn’t have any Ambien because I lost track of time and didn’t get to the pharmacy in time.  No sleep that night.  Last night he was ignoring me again and I couldn’t get comfortable because of my back.  No sleep that night.  So really, there was absolutely no point in me taking this extra time off to try to get my sleep sorted out, because that totally didn’t happen.

And because I had to spend so much of my time holding Josh’s hand while simultaneously kicking his ass about the homework, I got next to no time to relax.  The one time I did try to watch tv by myself, he said the noise was bothering him so he turned on Pandora on his phone and cranked up heavy metal music to the point where I was unable to hear the tv.  I get time to myself today – yeah, I get to type his paper, print some other shit, take my car in to have the AC looked at, go to the hardware store to get some stuff for Mom, and then since he forgot about the one thing for tonight I’ll probably have to feed him dinner and make his sandwich and coffee.  Yup, sounds like a day off to me.

Moose tranquilizer in the ass.  Now.  Please.