anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, sex, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots
Before I left work I stopped in the ladies’ room. It’s about a 30 minute drive to the doc’s office and I wanted to pee before I left. As I was leaving the restroom I damn near got knocked over by some very tiny Asian woman who apparently waited too long. She didn’t acknowledge me or say “excuse me” or anything. That should have been a sign.
I drove to the doc’s office, peed again, and went up to the receptionist’s desk. “What are you doing here?’ “I have an appointment.” “Didn’t you get the message? Your doctor is out today. They called you last week to reschedule.” Fuck. No, I didn’t see the message because my stupid “smart” phone is not so keen on telling me when I have messages. So I have to reschedule, but of course I couldn’t do that right then because I didn’t have my schedule. Great…
So I went to the grocery store. I was mad at Josh, but I knew there was no point in going and not getting the stuff he needed. So I picked up a few things and headed home. When I got there the contractor’s helper dude was there taking off a piece of trim from the closet in the entry to match stain for the woodwork in the basement. His truck was parked smack ass in the middle of the driveway. When I made it to the kitchen, the guy who had re-routed the dishwasher drain had spilled the Fry Daddy that lives under the sink and there was shit everywhere. And when I went down to the basement to get changed I found that Evie Cat had shit on the rug in front of the sink.
Oh sweet ceiling cat, just fucking strike me dead right here and now…
My mom offered to come over with the girls and help me set everything to rights. I told her that I really am a big girl and could handle it. I sent Josh a text and told him that I was having the worst day I’d had in a very long time and that he had been warned. His response – “Great.” Really, that’s not the kind of answer you give someone who has Bipolar and still isn’t sleeping well. I told him to just fucking go straight to school as I had zero interest in seeing him.
I got EVERYTHING done, including vacuuming up the broken glass from the lamp the other night, and parked myself on the sofa with some food tv. He came in at 4:30 with Taco John’s, thinking that would make everything all better. I talked to him a little bit and explained that when days like this happen I need some help, not bullshit. He claimed that he’ll help this weekend and that he’ll try to be more understanding. Then he left for class.
I settled in to watch more tv – that was all I was up for. He was home by 6:30. We hung out for a bit and then it was time for me to take my pills. I went down and did that and laid down. He told me he’d just go up and watch tv in the living room so that I could fall asleep BY MYSELF. Yeah, cuz that’s what I need after a really long, shitty day – to be entirely alone. And of course that meant I was upset and didn’t fall asleep very fast. I woke up totally grumpy.
So now we’re at this morning and since we’ll both be home tonight, that means we’re having the sex discussion yet again. I made the mistake of bumping into him in the shower and he took it as an advance. I said something about “does this mean we have to have sex tonight?” and he said that sounded great. Great.
I just don’t get horny anymore. Not for him, not for anyone. Sex is on par with having dental work these days – I’m just not interested, thanks anyway. And he’s mad at me because of it. He’s fat, he’s lazy, he’s stupid, and he’s entirely annoying – oh yeah, that gets me so hot!!! And he doesn’t listen. I’ve been telling him for awhile now that I don’t get horny and he just seems totally surprised every time I have to tell him AGAIN that I don’t get those feelings anymore. This is one of the things I had wanted to talk to the doctor about yesterday.
Anyway, I’m going to go try to see what all I can get done. I need to leave early this afternoon because I realized yesterday that today is the end of the month and the license plates on the Honda are due today. Ah yes, the excitement that is my life just never ends…