bits and bobs

It’s been a ridiculous week.  I was at the southern campus all day yesterday for a dumb ass meeting.  The chairs were bad, the food was awful, and I carpooled with the Toad so I couldn’t even smoke on the drive.  I’ve got something that looks suspiciously like diaper rash under my boob and it itches like flaming hell.  My right foot feels like there’s a rock in the same exact place in every damn shoe I own, but there’s nothing in any of them.  My jaw hurts from something.  I taught a class this morning that was new to me and had explosive poops up until about 30 minutes before it started.  I have to prepare for a talk tomorrow at noon.  I need to make a video for Monday night’s class.  The brat is coming over this weekend.  My roots are awful and I look older than old right now.  I’m tired and I need a nap.

And my darling pals are no better off than I and I’m worried about all of you so much it hurts my heart.  We need chocolate and tequila and muscular young men who give gentle massages and tell us we’re witty and beautiful and ask nothing in return.  If I find a way to provide that for all of us, y’all will be the first to know.

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i just don’t get it

Tags

family, kids, life, limits, mental health, moods, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

me and my homegirl

That’s me and E on Saturday.  Josh and I went to H’s house so we could all carve pumpkins.  Halloween was one of my dad’s favorite holidays so we’re carrying on the tradition.  Only my sister was a raging bitch.  E is 5, almost 6, so it’s not like she could completely do her own pumpkin.  My brother in law cut off the top of one and she started digging out the guts.  She loved it, and that was fine until the time came to carve.  She wanted in on the action and no one would let her.  Except me.

What you see there is quite possibly the ugliest pumpkin EVER.  But she helped.  And she loved it so much that it had to stay at her house.

All she ever really wants is someone to pay attention to her.  And, this just breaks my heart, she’s already figured out that with her mom and dad she pretty well has to get in trouble to get any.

My sister is a pretty rotten mom.  She ignores her girls most of the time, preferring to sit on the couch with her phone or iPad watching tv and playing games.  My mom found out this morning that neither girl has had a bath in a week.  I watched my youngest niece eat cookie sprinkles out of a bowl with a spoon because that’s one of the few foods she’ll eat right now when my sister is home.

H just really never should have been allowed to breed, and that makes me sad.  I knew myself well enough to know that I was not “mom” material when I fairly young and I took precautions.  H had something like 5 or 6 rounds of invitro with no luck and then finally got pregnant when she got drunk on my birthday.  I love my nieces, don’t get me wrong – but they deserve better than my sister.

***

Josh has been mostly an asshat lately.  He’s still pretty well moody and not wanting to talk.  I finally started getting stuff out of him on Saturday and it’s what I figured – I stopped kicking him in the ass and now he feels lost.  He doesn’t know how to relate to his kid, he doesn’t really want to have anything to do with her anymore, and most expects me to handle looking after her while she’s with us.  He hates his job, he doesn’t make enough money, and – while he will NEVER admit it – he’s totally jealous of how much I make and the raise I’m supposed to be getting.

In essence, he’s miserable with his life and expects someone else to fix it for him.  Sorry, that’s above my pay grade.

crispy around the edges

Tags

beautiful naked men, eye candy

It’s been a week.  I’m exhausted and my brain feels like jello.  Josh is a turd sandwich.

So, ladies, I offer you this in lieu of something more substantial.  Oh, Leo – you’ll enjoy as well.

we live in scary times kids

who will watch the watchers?

I love Wil Wheaton and John Cusack, so when I see both of them voicing strong opinions about something, I listen.  And now I’m petrified.

thankful thursday

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, meds, mental health, mental illness, money, random shit that falls out of my brain, sick, sleep, stress, work

I’m pretty sure it’s all the damn meds in my system right now making me feel like this.  I’ve got a wicked case of apathy going on and that just sucks.  I’m trying to push myself to do something – anything – and it almost hurts.  This usually ends up resulting in a pity party for me and quite frankly I ain’t in the mood for that shit.

So, what to do…

I guess we engage in some navel gazing and see if we can come up with some positive things to think about.  Bear with me, this might get weirder than usual.

• My boss told me yesterday that damn near everyone who bothers to say anything to her about me has something good to say – including the head of our department.  I mentioned this to K this morning and we agreed that hearing these kind of things would do a great deal to boost morale.
• I have a major class project I need to start working on and I submitted a list of potential topics to my prof – fully expecting all of them to be deemed shit.  She came back and said they were actually all really good and I was free to go forward with any of them.  I asked my boss for input and she suggested the one I had really thought was bad – but she likes it because it would fit really well with something we want to do here anyway – determining technical competencies for faculty wanting to teach online.  I talked to K about it this morning – and then my boss’s boss – and both suggested that this might actually be a really good starting point for a doctoral dissertation.  Whoa.
• Which leads me to my next point – my boss also told me yesterday that I seem to be happiest when I’m in school.  I guess it gives my brain something worthwhile to gnaw on.  I really am still contemplating the whole doctorate thing, I’m just not far enough along with this to know what I’d specialize in.
• The declining motor control is kind of upsetting, though I’m still not sure what’s doing it.  It could be that I’m not drinking enough right now and so my lithium levels are off.  It could be something the prednisone is doing.  I’m really just not sure.  I’m hoping by the time I’m off the antibiotics and the ‘roids that it goes away.  And really, it’s only my hands.  I can still walk just fine and my face is as normal as it ever was.
• Josh was weird again last night and I think there’s something bothering him that he’s not talking about.  I know he’s upset about not being in school himself, but I just can’t take full responsibility for that.  And I sure as hell don’t have the $504 worth of back tuition we need to pay before they’ll let him enroll again.  I haven’t even been able to pay all of the regular bills this month.

Yeah, maybe this didn’t work so well…

well well well

Tags

work

My boss came to see me this afternoon.  This isn’t a totally odd thing seeing as we are mostly chummy most of the time.  I figured she just wanted to check in and see how I was doing since I’d been gone since last Thursday.  When she closed my door I knew something was up.  I asked her if I was in trouble – for fuck sake, what have I done now?

No, not in trouble.  Here’s the mom lecture – leave the Toad alone and try to just pretend it’s all cool.  He’ll hang himself.  Ok, no sweat.  Oh hey, it’s been brought to my attention that you’re not happy with your salary.  Nope, really not – he makes a fuck load of money for doing next to nothing.  Yeah well, here – would a 15% raise help?

FIFTEEN PERCENT, which amounts to not quite $7k a year.  And as soon as they send some memo to HR it’ll go into effect immediately.

I think I seemed a little ungrateful.  Actually, I know I was.  That’s nice and all, but really, I do a FUCK LOAD more work – did you miss that part?

So I said thank you and we talked about other stuff for a bit and I apologized for coming across as less than appreciative.  She said some really nice things about how much better I’ve been doing over the last 18 months and how much she loves working with me.  And then she told me that she really just doesn’t give a shit about her job anymore and how she hates her kids.

Yeah, I’ll take my seven grand, thanks.

ready for a nap

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, meds, mental health, moods, random shit that falls out of my brain, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

I well and truly hate being sick.  I’m all for the guilt-free time off work, don’t get me wrong.  It’s the rest of the being miserable in your own skin, can’t breathe, internal thermostat is busted, nothing tastes right, not sleeping worth a damn bullshit that I can totally do without.

So I got up this morning and didn’t feel like boiled death so I thought I’d come to work.  I stopped on the way to get tea and breakfast and made the executive decision to fuck the warning about milk and the antibiotic and got myself a wee carton and a lovely blueberry danish in a crinkly cellophane package.  Ah yes, the finer things in life.  I managed to smoke perhaps 1/4 of my cigarette before realizing it was a bad idea.  Got in to the office, spent some time catching up with K, and started going through email.

It’s pretty well been downhill from there.

A class I’m scheduled to teach next week – that isn’t really even my class – is at capacity and had to have further enrollments turned off.  That’s 20 people.  I just barely know this shit myself.  The girl who was supposed to teach it decided she doesn’t like teaching, so it fell to me as being the only other person with real experience.  Nice.

I’m supposed to teach my own class this Friday.  Not really ready for it thanks to having been sick so much.  There’s only 2 people signed up so far and our minimum is 5.  I brought this to my boss’s attention this morning.  I have to wait until tomorrow morning to make the call because it got advertised again today and you just never know.  Whatever.

Josh doesn’t really seem to be too interested in me lately, like at all.  He seems to be totally willing to put in effort during the day – when I asked him to leave me alone – and then at night when we should be hanging out together he’s not at all interested.  Most of the time when we go downstairs at night he sits with his back to me.  Last night Evie curled up on his pillow before he sat down and I wouldn’t let him shoo her away.  It was kind of nice being able to see my husband’s face when I talked to him, and I made a point of saying that.  I just don’t get it.  I know I’ve been kind of off lately from having not felt good, but I didn’t think I was that terrible.

I’m just exhausted.  I took the first dose of prednisone this morning and it might be what’s making me shake, but I don’t know.  My fine motor control seems to pretty well be going down the shitter, but that’s been coming for awhile.  Seems like the signals aren’t going right from the brain to the fingers.  (have I bitched about this before?)  Anyway, gotta try to talk to shrinky-poo about this next time.

tidbits

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, meds, mental health, sick, skin conditions, the world is full of fucking idiots

Evie Cat hung out on the sofa with me for awhile today, even going so far as to get into my lap for a brief bit.  This is new and really quite lovely.  Right now she’s laid on her back on the bed ala “draw me like one of your French girls.”

***

My sister came over today to walk on the treadmill.  She earns an embarrassing amount of money – she and her husband both do – and yet for some reason they both think it’s chic to come here for a treadmill.  The interesting part is that she looked more like she was dressed for a night on the town than an afternoon in an office.  Only she’s kind of fat now.  Huh.

***

I feel totally cheated with my dermatologist appointment.  First off, she minimized my trauma by telling me that it’s really not that bad.  Sorry?  I have ginormous pimples under both arms, between my legs, and under my boob and it’s NOT THAT BAD?  Ok…  Her nurse asked me what pharmacy I use, before the doc even came in.  When she decided what she was giving me – the same fucking thing as last time – she wrote it on a prescription pad and handed it to me.  HELLO?  Ever heard of a fucking telephone?  She could have had her nurse call it in and by the time I got all the way back to this side of town it would have been ready.  But no.  And yes, same damn treatment.  I’m “hard to treat” because of all my allergies and potential drug interactions.  Fuck that – this is why you make all the money honey, now fix my goddamn skin!!!

***

You know you’re on good terms with your pharmacist when…

Picked up the Rx from Princess Skankypants the dermatologist and the prednisone was ready.  I asked Mike if there was anything I needed to know about what I was picking up.  He reminded me that the prednisone should go with food and then warned me that it might make me just a touch irritable – while patting my hand and winking at me.

here’s what I know

Tags

life, meds, mental health, sick, skin conditions, sleep

It’s not pneumonia.  I’m not 100% sure what it IS, but it’s not pneumonia.  I guess just really rotten bronchitis?  Eh, whatever.

She either didn’t call out the prednisone last night or the pharmacy lost it.  They admitted to me when I called last night that that was a possibility.  Which meant I had to wait until this morning to call the doc’s office to see if I was supposed to get it or what.  And I know now there’s something waiting at the pharmacy, but I don’t know what.  They notify me via text and the text always references a Rx number – which of course means nothing to me.  And the doc’s office couldn’t be bothered to call and tell me anything.

So fuck the lot of them.

I woke up around 11 something last night with the coughing situation.  I went up to the kitchen, took some Robitussin DM, ate a can of mandarin oranges, and then was able to fall asleep.  I sort of woke up when Josh left but stayed in bed.  At 8:15 I called my boss and thanked her for telling me to stay home again today.  (she did – I got an email from her last night)  I feel a little more rested, but I still can’t hardly breathe and I’m sort of achey.  And I’m hungry but I can’t really eat yet.  This levaquin crap can’t be taken within 2 hours of dairy and I am entirely incapable of eating the food I like this time of day without a bierstein full of milk.  Fucktastic.

I did call and make the appointment with the GI guy.  For November.  Like, the week of Thanksgiving, November.  And he only takes appointments on Mondays – school night.  So I got an appointment for 8am.  That day is totally going to suck.

I see the dermatologist today for the cyst things.  I just hope she doesn’t decide she needs to shave anything off me this time.  Yuck.

I suppose perhaps I’ll go checkout the weather situation and see if I can smoke.  I managed to get down almost 2 yesterday before giving up.  You know I’m good and sick when my precious smoke makes me ill.

what next?

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, meds, mental health, mental illness, random shit that falls out of my brain, sick, sleep

I saw a delightful little PA named Vanessa.  While she wasn’t as charming as my regular doctor, she was delightful and thorough and very visibly concerned.  She confirmed that this is not your run of the mill cold.  Unfortunately, she couldn’t quite confirm what it is.  I admitted that I’d been exposed to sick children and a sick husband so I wasn’t sure what bits I’d picked up from whom.  Her concern is that it’s possibly not the bronchitis rebounding, but rather that it’s full blown pneumonia this time.

I’m honestly not sure anymore, all I know is every now and then I get smacked with the urge to cough and that urge doesn’t go away for up to 15 minutes, by which time I am totally gasping for air and trying really hard not to piss myself.  And really, that’s just no damn fun.

So she ordered a chest x-ray, which thankfully is just in the office suite next door and only took about 15 minutes total.  They have someone on staff to read it, it’s all electronic, so I should hear something later today.  Vanessa told me she’ll be calling out an Rx for levaquin (stronger, more broad spectrum antibiotic than I took for the bronchitis – and one of the few I’m not allergic to) and one for a prednisone taper pack.  Yikes.

I’m not sure how many of you following this blog have bipolar.  Hell, I’m not sure how many “people” allegedly “following” me are really people.  Anyway, bipolar and steroids aren’t generally a good mix.  Steroids will keep a non-bipolar person awake at night, they pretty well make us bounce off the walls at 3am.  So we take them, but with caution.  I’ve already put in a call to shrinky-poo to put her on alert and to see if Vanessa’s suggestion – 2 Benadryl instead of just 1 at night – sounds reasonable to her.  But if Vanessa is right – and I have no reason to think she isn’t – then the cheese in my lungs will keep getting worse if left alone, not better.  It’s so bad right now that you can hear me breathing from across the room – and that’s just from me sitting still and breathing normal.

I also talked to her about the fact that I poop entirely too much and in inappropriate ways.  Sorry, but 4 or 5 days a week of dealing with diarrhea is entirely too much.  And I’m not drinking heavily or eating a diet made entirely of lard.  What the fuck?  The really sad thing is that some days my beloved Immodium AD isn’t enough to stop it and I literally have to wait until every scrap of food has been flushed out of my system.  This is just entirely unacceptable.  So she’s getting me a referral to see a specialist.  Mom has warned me that this may require a colonoscopy.  *sigh*

I wonder if I could get Spielberg to direct it?