cautiously optimistic

Tags

anxiety, christmas, Evie Cat, family, kids, life, limits, mental health, money, school, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

Holy fucking flying squirrels wearing capes over their jet packs – what a week.  And it’s not over yet.  We get the kid today, and she wanted my nieces to come over and craft.  So they are.  And Evie is still chewing her legs.  And it looks like christmas threw up in here (Mom’s words, not mine).  And I still have to finish both my paper (due 12/9) and my presentation (have to give it Monday) and I couldn’t open the file my prof sent me with the comments for my paper because she’s using some weird word processor.

And yet – I’m not really stressing about any of it.

The girls coming today is not a sleepover.  The kid will stay the night because it’s her weekend, but that’s no big deal.  It’s when we get all 3 of them staying the night that it gets just a little too interesting for me.  So they’ll come hang out, everyone should have a good time, and then they’ll head back home.  I’m actually looking forward to it.

look at my naked legs

I took Evie to the vet yesterday afternoon to try to find out what the fuck is going on.  She had seemed to stop the chewing for awhile and the fur is actually starting to grow back, but then yesterday morning I noticed that she’s got way more skin exposed and there are areas where it’s bloody.  She’s lost 3 more ounces.  The vet drew blood and we’re hoping to get the results by Monday afternoon at the latest, maybe as early as today.  She checked pretty much everything, just to be safe.  Her thought at this point is that it’s something to do with her digestive system since she is eating but still losing weight.  We talked about what some of the options would be depending on what the results are.  She seems to feel that the prognosis should be very reasonable.  I hope so.

Mom’s tree

This is the first time since I moved back into this house that Mom has been able to put up her big tree.  She seems pleased.  Evie also pleased as she likes sleeping under it.  There are also stained glass snowflakes hanging in the windows, Mom’s nativity scene is in the living room, there’s evergreen/poinsettia garland along the bottoms of the handrails, the ceramic tree is in the entry area, and there are assorted other bits scattered around.  Christmas is – by far – Mom’s favorite holiday.  I’m just happy to help make her happy.

There’s still a fuck-ton of stuff to get done.  I managed to get most of the laundry done yesterday and folded, but I didn’t get it put away.  I also need to pay bills, make some of effort to clean up my desk, rearrange a bit in the closet, clean the bathrooms, and get Josh’s tax bullshit done – seeing as he’s completely incapable of doing a single fucking thing for himself.  He told me YESTERDAY that it needs to be sent out TODAY.  He’s had this shit for weeks.  I sat there yesterday morning and made my huge ass “to do” list, he read it, said it was good and he’d help and then later – when I wasn’t fucking looking – he snuck that shit at the bottom.  Fucking bastard.

Anyway, better get to it.  So much to do, only so many places to hide the bodies…

 

holy flying squirrels in super hero capes

Tags

family, friends, getting healthy, life, mental health, random shit that falls out of my brain, the world is full of fucking idiots, weight loss

Happy Thanksgiving to my American readers!  Happy Thursday to the rest of y’all.  🙂

It’s been a crazy week of “vacation.”  Do you ever really get a vacation as an adult?  I mean, you can get time away from work – but then there’s almost always stuff you’re needing to do at home.  And if you actually have money to travel somewhere, chances are you’re with someone who will completely get on your nerves by the time the trip is over.  No, I think vacations are really the realm of small people.

At any rate, my paper is nearly done.  I think at least 90% of the actual writing is done, I really just need to take a few bits and make them visual.  This is too text-heavy for my liking and these last bits are basically lists.  *yawn*  Anyway, I’m hoping to finish tomorrow so that I can start working on my presentation – which I have to give on Monday.  She said it’s “anything goes” for the presentations up to and including just getting up and talking, so I’m not overly worried.  I would like to make a totally killer presentation though, just because I have mad skillz, yo.

Mom had her special x-ray thing done yesterday and it was totally fine.  Well, hanging out in the waiting room with the unpleasant family where the small girl screamed the entire time at her brother and the dad ignored both of them pretty well sucked donkey dick, but Mom’s test came back fine.  The doc that was doing it couldn’t tell her what the specialist guy would for sure say, but he said that he suspects her tonsils will be coming out as they also saw how freakishly large they are.  And that’s kind of funny – my tonsils never really bothered me but my GP noticed when I went in for something else that they were big, sent to a specialist, she said they were huge, and I had them out 2 weeks later.

I don’t know how y’all feel about second-hand clothes, but I happen to love them.  Sadly, finding stuff in my size at the thrift shops isn’t easy.  Josh usually has better luck, but he’s kind of a big guy and the selection for him isn’t always great either.  However, my brother in law – who has too much money and loves clothes more than most women – is the same size as Josh, and he cleaned out part of his closet the other day.  Mom brought home THREE full size garbage bags full of nothing but shirts and light jackets.  We sorted through it, Josh tried on stuff, and we added a quite sizable chunk to his winter wardrobe.  And then we went through our clothes to see what we didn’t need anymore.  Some of what Josh didn’t want will go to work with him so that the guys there can see if there’s something they can use.  The rest will go to the thrift shop up the street so that hopefully someone else can make use of it.

So I mentioned the other day that I’m going to start trying to lose a little weight.  Merbear and I are contemplating doing some kind of “bloggers biggest loser” something or other – possibly with teams, possibly with prizes – who knows at this point.  At any rate, is anyone else out there interested in jumping on this crazy train?  We wouldn’t start until Jan 1 so we have a little time to think about this and plan.  Just let me know what you think.

money down the shitter

Tags

anxiety, family, getting healthy, kids, meds, normal, random shit that falls out of my brain, sex

I had my appointment with the GI doc this morning.  Because the universe is cruel, I had to stop at a gas station on the way there to use the bathroom and then again as soon as I got to the hospital I had to make a bee line straight for the bathroom.  Nice.  Anyway, he was just as pleasant as I had remembered.  (it’s been almost exactly 2 years since I’ve seen him)  He was able to tell me WHAT is happening in my body when I have these attacks, but not WHY they happen in the first place.  It’s not likely tied to food, alcohol, chemicals, meds, stress – nothing that he could conclusively point to.  He said there are a ton of studies being done to try to figure out why “pretty young blondes” are going through this, but no one is having any luck.  Dammit.  The only thing he said was, “did you realize that every time you’ve come in for something since 2011 you’ve weighed just a little bit more?”  No, actually, I didn’t.

This is not at all a good time of year to really even be thinking about starting a diet.  Not living in the Midwest, not participating in the holidays that are typical for a person such as myself, not being a woman who works with other women who are among this city’s best bakers.  No, it ain’t gonna happen.  I’ll admit to being an idiot, but that’s just asking for trouble, and I know better.

So, I’m going to try to do this smart.  Ceiling cat help me…

Ok, I drink lots of fluids every day, which is good – but a hefty chunk of that is sweetened tea, which is not good.  I’ve told Josh that he needs to stop buying me the tea like that.  There’s lots of other stuff that I can drink, and like to drink, that isn’t full of empty calories.  This should be a really easy thing I can do that won’t make me feel like I’m being deprived and, while it certainly isn’t the whole answer, will help.

When I don’t plan ahead well enough I eat too many convenience foods, which are not as nutritious and don’t stay with me as long.  I’m going to try to make an effort to keep healthy foods on hand at work, make myself a sandwich for lunch on the days I don’t have something left over from dinner to take, and stop going to the convenience store for a Danish in the morning.  Yogurt and a granola bar is healthier and might help my digestive issues.

I think that’s plenty to start with for now.  I really want to approach this as “let’s replace one bad habit with a healthier habit at a time” and then hopefully I’ll have very few bad habits left come spring.

*****

The party for the loves yesterday was pretty good.  Had I not already had a hysterectomy, spending the afternoon around that many screaming crazy children would have put me off sex for at least several months.  But the kids in our group were good and the girls loved their gifts.  Uncle Josh cleaned up pretty nicely and behaved himself.  When we were getting ready to leave Mom decided she wanted to go out for dinner so she tried to lean across the table and ask my grandma if Mexican food was ok for dinner.  Grandma, who is near deaf and had her hearing aides turned almost off so she could stand the noise said, “What?  I have to eat a Mexican?”

me and the old man

highlights from yesterday

Tags

alcohol, divorce, family, life, limits, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

Josh didn’t get up until 11am.  I was in the process of putting on shoes and socks to walk out the door when he cracked an eye and started mumbling.  I told him if he thought he was going with he had exactly 5 minutes to be ready.  Friday night he had drank half a large bottle of wine and taken his 2 Ambien.  It’s really rather a miracle he got up at all.

We went to Toys R Us to look for the things my sister said the girls want.  It was packed.  Are that many people really trying to get ahead on holiday shopping?  Anyway, we found what we needed, got help from a delightful young lady who worked there, and got out unscathed.  Then we went to one of the lovely little Greek restaurants in town – the one close to us – and had a wonderful meal.  Off to Hallmark next for cards and gift bags.  People in the parking lot – it’s next to the grocery store and part of a whole complex of shops – were in no mood to allow pedestrian traffic, so getting across from where the car was to where the shops were was exciting.

Got the stuff at Hallmark, walked over to the grocery store and got what we needed there and headed home.  Mom had picked up my grandma in the meantime and they were at home hanging out.  We all kind of chilled until it was time to have dinner.  It was delish, but Grandma eats like a damn bird.  I don’t get some of the women in my family – being  a little round is not always a bad thing.  Anyway, we spent the rest of the evening watching Chopped.

What I didn’t know until Josh and I went to head downstairs was that he had been working on finishing the other half of that bottle of wine the entire time we’d been watching tv.

At any rate, we’re supposed to go for breakfast together this morning – all of us – but I have no intention of waking him up.  He finished that wine and took his pills again.  I’m really just pretty fucking sick and tired of this bullshit.  Every time I think it’s going to get better he starts pulling this crap.

so much to do

Tags

bipolar disorder, family, life, mental health, moods, motivation, stress, work

As I start this the local time is almost 10am and the air temp is 13 degrees.  It’s fucking cold.  There’s a little snow on the grass from the other day but it’s mostly melted off the streets.  Winter is officially here.  Great.

I managed to get through all of the blog posts I was behind on this morning, which made me feel good.  I also cooked breakfast for Mom and I and have put a load in the washer.  I need to take a shower yet and get started on my errands and chores.

Things around here haven’t been too bad lately.  Mom is having some weird things with her thyroid and we’re still waiting for answers.  On Wednesday I’ll be taking her back to the hospital for another test – some kind of barium x-ray.  The following week she has a follow up with the specialist.  I just really hope it turns out to be nothing.

My health – mental and physical – seems to be pretty alright.  I’ve got an appointment Monday morning with the GI specialist, but to be honest, I’m not holding my breath.  I saw this guy once before and he had no answers then, there’s no real reason to expect he will now.  My moods seem to be pretty level most of the time, which is good.  I’ve finally remember that I am a strong, independent woman and I really don’t need to ask Josh permission for anything nor wait for him to start doing the things I want to do.  Like now – he’s STILL sleeping, but I have things to do so I have every intention of starting to do them.  If he can’t be bothered to get up, not my problem.

Anyway, there isn’t much else terribly interesting going on.  WeeGee helped me figure out yesterday that I only have 15 more working days this year, which was quite lovely.  Working at a university can be a royal pain in the ass at times, but it definitely has its advantages around the holidays.

made it out alive

Tags

family, life, limits, mental health, school, stress, work

What a fucking week.  I’m utterly done.  Work and school and Evie Cat continuing to chew on her legs and shit with my sister is just about killing me.  Josh has been quite good, quite a lot really, and that’s been saving me.  I’ve got present shopping to deal with tomorrow, the party Sunday, and then I’m mostly free to finish my project the first part of next week while I’m home on vacay.  Praise the almighty ceiling cat.

I will try my best to get y’all a proper post very soon.  For now I leave you with a glimpse of this afternoon’s cute.  (in case you’re scared, he wasn’t at all hurting her – he had been scritching and when he slowed down for a minute, this is what happened)

Daddy makes a lovely chin rest

normal?

Tags

bipolar disorder, christmas, family, friends, kids, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, money, moods, normal, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, work

Met with shrinky-poo this morning.  My answers to all of her routine questions lead her to the proclamation that I am as normal as I’ll probably ever be.  I’ll see her again at the end of January.

FUCK YEAH!!!

Still busy as a one-armed paper hanger.  Josh is still finding ways to simultaneously piss me off and then amaze me with his kindness.  He’s a boy, what can I say.

The weekend visit with the kid was the best we’ve had in absolute ages.  She and I actually had some conversations that were good, we did some dumb things at home, and she tried her hand at a craft that still kind of eludes me and did a phenomenal job.

I have been assured that my raise will be on the check at the end of this month AND they got it retroactive back to October 1 – which is awesome considering christmas is next month.

I haven’t had a free 5 minutes to read blogs lately and that just kills me.  I miss reading about what’s going on with y’all almost as much as I miss writing to you about what’s going on in my life.  But there is still a ton of stuff going on and with the holiday next week it may well get worse.  This time of year is hard for my family – this is when Dad got ill – and Mom and I both are having to deal with our own medical issues that take place in the same hospital he was in.  But we’re both tough cookies and I have no doubt that we’ll get through.

I leave you with a visual from this weekend that may cause you to run for the eye bleach.  I present J-Funk Mandala, the hippest hipster to ever hip.

here’s what I can tell you

Tags

Evie Cat, family, kids, life, mental health, moods, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, stress, work

• I did finally get the annotated bibliography turned in – a day late.  Prof was ok with that.
• The interview for the project was phenomenal.  I’ve been invited to come hang out in Orlando, FL to learn more about their program.
• My paper is progressing nicely.
• Evie Cat has allergies apparently as evidenced by the fact that over the weekend she chewed almost all of the fur off her front legs.  She has since had a steroid shot to try to help.  After the vet’s office closed Saturday night and she started chewing herself bloody, Josh suggested we give her Benadryl.  I do not recommend that to anyone else.  Benadryl makes cats drool.  A LOT.
• Work has been ridiculous lately.  More people making more demands and less time to meet them in.  Super suck.  I have been told by my boss that my raise is supposed to be on my check at the end of this month and that her boss is trying to have it made retroactive back to the start of October.  I’ll believe it when I see it.
• Things with Josh have been mostly ok.  He finally started talking to me again and admitted that he’s depressed again and that it hurts physically this time.  He’s still not ready for me to make him a psych appointment, but he promised to keep it in mind.
• Mom is having an issue swallowing and no one really seems to know why.  I went with her yesterday for an appointment with a specialist.  Still no answers, but the week of Thanksgiving she goes for a special kind of x-ray.  The really shitty part of all this is that these offices are in the same hospital my dad was in while he was dying.  More super suck.
• The brat comes over this weekend, but probably not until late afternoon tomorrow.  Josh is working until 2pm – I think – and I told him I really need time to get as far as possible on this project, and there’s no way in hell I can pull that off with her here.  I have essentially promised to stop work as soon as they get here.  If I’m honest, I’m already farther than most of the rest of the people in my class will be come Monday when we need to submit what we have for peer review.
• It’s just tearing me up that I don’t have time to read everyone’s posts and post my own drivel on a more regular basis.  I miss you all terribly.  I spent some time this afternoon trying to get caught back up but I still have a ways to go.  Sorry if that makes it come across like I’m stalking you.

Lots of love,

Mama

just fucking kill me now

Work is better, but still insanely busy.

My school project is coming, but I have a rather large annotated bibliography to type up today.  Plus questions for an interview.  Plus more reading to come.

Josh and I fought damn near all weekend.  We’re still fighting.  He nearly left.  Not sure why I didn’t let him.

I am entirely behind on my blog reading, and I’m sorry.  I barely have time to keep up with the normal emails.

not dead yet

This has been the week from HELL.  And it’s not over.  Tonight I’m going to the roller skating party with the nieces.  Tomorrow I need to pull off some serious homework.  The kitties are still rotten naughty.  And things at work are super tense.  I’ll do what I can to post a proper update soon.