i would never wish anyone ill…

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friends, school

…but I just got back from teaching and found an email from my prof saying that she’s too ill to hold class tonight.  I’m not sure as I have ever been so happy over someone else’s misfortune.  And really, I’m not happy – just sort of relieved.

Thank you for all of the kind and supportive comments about the last post.  Y’all really are good people and I’m lucky to have you around.

opinions

Tags

abortion, life, random shit that falls out of my brain, sex, the world is full of fucking idiots

If you’ve been visiting me for long you know that I’m pretty accepting of the diversity of opinions out there.  Just because I believe something doesn’t mean I expect everyone else to share in that belief.  I try my best to be respectful of others, but I’m also not the sort of person to continue to surround myself with people who seem hell bent on pushing their opinions on me.

One of my “hot button” issues is abortion.  I’m just going to ask right now that if you disagree with my opinions and would like to leave a comment to that effect, keep it civil and respectful.

I had an abortion as a freshman in high school.  (the morning after pill had not come on the market yet at that point – if it had, I’d have done my best to get one as I was pretty sure I was going to get pregnant)  I was way too young to care for a child and I was not far along at all when it was done – just a matter of weeks.  My parents and I decided that it was the best solution for a very unpleasant situation.

I do not condone abortion as a method of birth control.  I do not condone abortions done after the fetus is far enough along that it could survive outside the womb.  And I do not condone people who condemn those of us who have had to make one of the hardest decisions a woman can make as “murderers.”

A woman I used to be neighbors with was a “friend” on Facebook.  She and I have had heated discussions about this before.  She feels that there is no acceptable reason for a woman to ever have an abortion.  Her opinion.

This morning she posted an incredibly graphic video and a rant about how all abortion is murder and how she cannot understand how anyone could possibly think otherwise.  The video began playing immediately without my prompting and it damn near made me sick.  I really don’t know if the footage was even related to abortion, all I know is that if I had been that far along I wouldn’t have done it.

As with most things in life, situations are rarely black and white.  What about the woman who gets raped and a pregnancy ensues?  Should she be forced to carry her attacker’s child?  What about a girl who is sexually abused by a family member?  Should she be forced to carry a child of incest?  What about a young woman with intellectual disabilities who is incapable of knowing that she’s being molested?

Am I proud of the circumstances I found myself in that resulted in choosing to have an abortion?  Absolutely not.  But I refuse to think of myself as a murderer because I made a decision that seemed like the best way to deal with a difficult situation.

And in case you were wondering, she’s no longer my “friend.”  Not because I can’t accept that she has a different opinion, but because I don’t feel the need to surround myself with people who do nothing but try to make me feel like less of a person.

sex in the age of bipolar

Tags

bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, divorce, life, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, normal, sex

***I have no intention to make this graphic or unpleasant, so it shouldn’t trigger anyone.  I will be frank about the subject.  Read at your own risk.***

Looking back on my formative years now, it’s easy to see that my symptoms of bipolar started to manifest around the time I hit puberty.  I was incredibly moody and withdrawn a good deal of the time, and as soon as I got brave enough I started having sex.  If memory serves I was about 13 at the time – a freshman in high school.  It was a particularly bad idea.

But once I started I didn’t want to stop.  Quite often it was all I could think about.  Any time my boyfriend and I could make it happen, we did.  And then I made the mistake of marrying him and it all went downhill.  I was still revved up and he wasn’t interested because I didn’t read his tiny mind and realize he wanted me to lose 100lbs overnight.  Cue divorce #1.

I started going out on the prowl after that, looking for a man – any man – who was interested enough to get in bed with me.  I had a whole slew of one night stands because I thought that getting a guy to sleep with me was proof that I was pretty.  And mechanical intervention was just not as interesting.

I met husband #2 and we had a great time.  Pretty well as much as I wanted as often as I wanted.  Only it wasn’t enough.  I knew that he found me attractive, but I was so insecure that I needed proof that other men still found me attractive.  So I cheated.

It honestly wasn’t because I felt I was being neglected or that I wasn’t getting enough love at home.  I needed to have that validation from other men and the only way I thought I could get it was by having sex with them.

And then the bottom dropped out of my world.

I was admitted to the psychiatric unit just a few months before I turned 30.  They diagnosed me with bipolar II and started me on meds.  I was in and out of the hospital several times that year, always for med adjustments.  My sex drive completely disappeared.  I didn’t even want him to touch me.

Two years later, when I was much more stable, he left.  I don’t blame him, not one bit.  I had been terrible to him and he needed to move on.  I went back on the prowl.

More one night stands, more shitty “relationships.”  And – sadly – four suicide attempts.  I was given an additional diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.  I meet 8 of the 9 criteria for diagnosis, or at least I did.  I’ve since been through two rounds of DBT and feel as though I’m in a much better place now.

Anyway, then Josh came onto the scene.

I’ll spare you the sordid details of the early days of our relationship – they’re back in the archives if you’re really interested.  He’s a much different human being now than he was when we met.

When Josh and I moved in together I wanted – no, expected – sex every day.  EVERY DAY.  He did his best, but he’s older than me, his testosterone was low, and he was getting drunk every night – not a good combination.

And then I turned 35 and my gynecologist took away my birth control pills.  I’d had my tubes tied when I was 30, but the pill kept my hormones level which majorly helped my moods.  So my doc offered a partial hysterectomy – she took my uterus and my cervix and left the ovaries so I wouldn’t need hormone replacement.

I had to go 6 weeks with no sex after the surgery.  SIX WEEKS.  I know, cry me a river, right?

Josh and I got closer during that time.  We would take time to really talk to each other.  We would touch, knowing it didn’t have to go any further – it couldn’t go any further.  It was so wonderful and so frustrating.

Now we have a sex life that’s probably closer to “normal” for people our age.  Sometimes there’s more, sometimes less, but we try to make time when we can.  And we still spend time just being us and being sweet.

I can’t say for sure that it was that 6 week enforced “dry spell” that did it or not, but I definitely don’t feel like I need to have a constant hook up to feel good about myself.  It’s really very liberating.

cranky mccrankerpants

Tags

family, life, money, moods, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, the world is full of fucking idiots

the squirrel king and his minions

We did make it into the office yesterday with a load of stuff and Josh helped me rearrange a little.  I took that pic with my camera and posted it on FB.  When he finally saw it he was disgusted – “for fuck sake, I really am going bald!”  It was so bad that he got the good camera and started taking pictures of the back of his head.  Such a freak I married.

Speaking of freaks, those cats are just weird as hell.  Since the camera was close at hand last night Josh managed to capture this one of Sissy.

Fat little fluffbutt insists on having her own glass of water now, full of ice.  Josh has to get 2 – one for him and one for her.  She just radiates the pissed off in that pic.

Anyway, I didn’t get much more homework done last night.  I’m hoping maybe I’ll get something done yet this afternoon.  I’ve been trying to get all of the stuff together that I need to reapply for my income-based student loan repayment plan (read:  I is broke, don’t make me pay that much).  Sweet squirrels in combat boots, what a fucking nightmare!  You can’t find all of the info you need on the one website, part of it is somewhere else, the letter they sent is almost entirely useless…

FOR FUCK SAKE, ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

I’ve got a little bit of time yet, but of course I forgot some password and locked part of an account so now I need to wait for their customer service to get back to me.  There is just nothing quite as infuriating as dealing with the government.

Oh, just in case anyone was worried – my special spoon has been found.  I left it in the other building on Friday when I left.  She’s been returned and is about to be put to use inhaling some delish homemade rice pudding.  With craisins.  Rice pudding is really the only acceptable use for craisins.  Or raisins.

note to self

Tags

school

Before you show up to class Wednesday, you must:

• Read chapters 2 and 3 in the text book.
• Do exercises 1 and 3 in chapter 2 and exercise 2 in chapter 3.
• Write a 2 sentence summary of the three theories discussed in chapter 3.
• Finish writing your observation journal and print a hard copy.

Believe it or not, I actually did get some stuff done today – this is just what’s left.  Yikes.

Josh and I are getting ready to head to the office.  I’ve got some supplies I want to take in and I’m thinking I might finally do that little bit of redecorating.

physician, heal thyself

Tags

life, mental health, motivation, school, stress

One of the things I’ve gotten reasonably good at since going through all of the treatment stuff for mental illness is being able to see (with help sometimes) and work through (with help sometimes) my many road blocks.

We all have road blocks, be they big or small.  Mine yesterday felt huge, Godzilla sized.  I sat in this chair and looked around my living space and honestly said to myself, “I cannot possibly get through all of this and my homework this weekend, it’s just not possible.”  And I was right – with that attitude I was destined to fail.

So I did what I always do when faced with something that seems insurmountable – I made a list.

best notebooks ever

If you’re not familiar, this is called a steno pad.  It’s a smallish notebook with lined paper and two columns.  These are EXCELLENT for making lists, particularly when you want two lists side by side.

My list always goes on the left, Josh’s on the right.  And I knew myself well enough to know that the housework was going to have to get finished before I even touched my homework.  The chaos of a messy living space is not at all conducive to me being able to do brain-work.

And then I dove in.  Kina told me about a technique that she uses when overwhelmed like this – The Pomodoro Technique.  (not endorsing anything here, just wanted it to be easy for y’all to find more info if you feel so inclined)  Anyway, I really mostly already do this, which is cool – and makes sense.  It’s a time management thing and I’m pretty damn good at that.

I got a ton of stuff done while Josh was still sleeping, which is nearly always the case.  Boy ended up sleeping until 11:15 yesterday, but then he busted hump and got all but one thing done on his list before we had dinner.

Anyway, there’s just a bit of laundry left to be dealt with, I need to mix up dinner (creamy crockpot white chicken chili), and then get stuff together to head to the office.  I’ve decided it’ll probably be easier to work there and stay out of Mom’s way.

weekly check in

Tags

anxiety, getting healthy, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, school, sick, stress, weekly check-in

Ugh.  I figured I had lost some weight this week – I mean really, you can’t puke and have the poops that many times and not lose something.  So it’s good – weight gone is good – but the process is not something I would EVER care to repeat.

Six pounds.  I’m down from 264.5 to 258.5.  And I know this is going to sound weird, but I would have happily traded losing less weight for not having been sick like that.  And I mean it.

I obviously have not exercised yet.  I just can’t seem to make the time.  I also haven’t done much of anything productive this week – not enough energy.  There’s still clean laundry from last week that never got put away, a fuckton of homework that needs to get done, two bathrooms to bleach, this week’s laundry to deal with, groceries to fetch…  I’m probably forgetting something.

I need to get life back on track.  This almost complete lack of organization and all of the fucking mess around here is just killing me.  The more chaotic my surroundings are, the more chaotic it feels in my head.  And I really just don’t have time for that right now.

we need some binders and some markers, STAT!!!

the things I’ve lost

Tags

bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2014, borderline personality disorder, family, friends, life, mental health, mental illness, school, sleep, suicide

On the drive in to work this morning it struck me that I’ve lost quite a bit to this whole “mental illness” business.  But the flip side of that coin is that I’ve also gained a lot.  I figured maybe this was worth writing about.  I mean really, you’re coming to a blog that calls itself “Mental in the Midwest” – writing about my mental illnesses might just make sense.

What I’ve lost:

• Friends, lots of friends.  Most of this is my doing.  At the beginning it was because I’d been treating people like shit for too long before my diagnosis came.  Later it was because I was picking the wrong people to be my friends.  For awhile it was because I would lean on people too much and not give enough back to the relationship.  I don’t have many people even now that I really consider friends that are physically close enough to get together with – a handful at best.  The bulk of my friends are online and 99% of the time that’s how I prefer it.
• The ability to sing.  I used to sing in choirs at school, in the car, to calm myself, to my second husband.  I got to sing Handel’s “Messiah” at the big fancy theatre here when I was a sophomore in college.  Now I can’t carry a tune in a handle with ergonomic handles.  Not sure why.
• The ability to do most things which require fine motor control.  In my day I made some truly beautiful things, like the angel below.  She’s made primarily from size 11-0 seed beads done in brick stitch, which means you add one bead at a time.  Thanks to Lithium, this is no longer something I can even think about doing.
• Along with that, typing has gotten harder – partially because of the motor control and partially because it seems like the connection between my brain and my hands isn’t as solid as it once was.  During the heyday of my undergrad degree I could type 92 words per minute, virtually error free.  Now…  Yeah, I wouldn’t even know, and I have a lot more mistakes.
• The ability to sleep without chemical intervention.  I’ve always had some degree of difficulty getting to sleep at night, but now it’s pretty well a given that it ain’t gonna happen without a fistful of meds.  I miss the days of being able to wear out my body and my mind and then sleep peacefully until the next morning.

However, there is always a flip side.  While I’ve lost things to mental illness, I’ve also gained.

• Online friends.  Through my blog I’ve met some lovely people who are struggling with illnesses of their own.  We are a kind of “virtual family” and I love them all dearly.
• A greater appreciation for my parents.  I always knew they loved me, but they more than proved how much by never EVER giving up on me.  It makes me value the time I had with my dad before he passed and gives me determination to do whatever I can to take care of my mom when she needs me.
• The knowledge that I truly can do anything I set my mind to.  Not too long after being diagnosed I started an online Master’s degree.  Despite attempting suicide and spending a week in the hospital during the middle of one of the classes, I graduated with a 3.8 GPA.
• Understanding.  I know now why I did some of the unbelievable things I did as a younger person and why I sometimes felt like I did.
• Strength.  I actively and purposely tried to kill myself FOUR TIMES and (obviously) didn’t succeed.  I am stronger than either of my illnesses, I am stronger than my faults, I am stronger than anything broken about myself.  It’s cliched, but it’s true – anything that doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

tired

Tags

friends, life, random shit that falls out of my brain, sex, sick, work

I went back to work today.  I won’t say it was a mistake, I did live through it, but I’m beat.  This is the first time I’ve been this up and this active in many days.  It really rather sucked.

But I did get to spend some time with some of my pals, and we ordered in really good Italian lunch (which I am burping the garlic of like a fiend right now), and I got caught up on a few things.

Funny bit – I had a meeting with K this afternoon.  Our meetings often involve just sitting and talking about random stuff, which is awesome.  We get a ton of shit done this way, but in our own non-linear kind of fashion.  Anyway, we were talking about another female co-worker – B – and K asks me, “so, do you think she’s gay?”  Now, before you judge what you think is us judging – neither of us really gives a shit.  It makes no difference in the way we’re going to treat her or her ability to perform her job.   It’s just frustrating as hell not knowing because she does put off some vibes that you’d normally expect from a lesbian.  And we don’t feel at all right asking her, because again, totally doesn’t matter.

But this is how I found out that K isn’t gay, which also had me wondering.  Apparently she’s interested in having a man in her life, but definitely not in her living room.  I get that, 100%.

Anyway, where was I?

and now, the rest of the story

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sick

I was able to remember that I told y’all yesterday that I’ve been sick, but I didn’t remember if I’d given any details.  Nope, doesn’t look like it.  Well then, let me elaborate.  Sunday night it started like this.

I got maybe 0.5 seconds of warning time before it hit.  According to Mom she has never seen me move quite that fast.  And still, it wasn’t fast enough.  I thought this was part of the usual “Erin’s digestive system is fucked” antics and that it would pass as soon as my innards were empty.

WRONG.

A few hours later, this started.

You should know that I really, REALLY fucking hate to puke.  But I did.  So many times I lost count.  In all but 1 of the 4 toilets in this house.  I nearly filled a kitchen sized trash can.  Because really, what’s more fun than puking except for puking AND uncontrollable shitting AT THE SAME MOTHERFUCKING TIME???

Fortunately – if you can say such a thing about this – I don’t have trouble throwing up.  When my body gets to that point I pretty well just open my mouth and let it out.  But this bug is so nasty that I did that for several hours and couldn’t even keep liquids down.  Pills?  Yeah, right.

Monday consisted of sleeping nearly the entire day, eating 6 crackers, and deciding that none of the things I normally like to drink tasted good.  That was harsh.

Yesterday I moved myself to the couch and spent the day watching tv and playing on my iPad.  I managed to eat a few Cheerios, a carton of cherry Greek Yogurt, some applesauce, and then some soup for dinner with a nice big piece of wheat bread.  My stomach felt a little odd after dinner, but I think now that it was from having been empty for so long.  I need to go get some breakfast and pills.

I decided to stay home one more day just to be safe.  Nowhere at work is close enough to a toilet.  And if I’m still contagious – at all – I don’t want anyone to pick this up from me.  It’s beyond terrible.  And I still hurt.  My back is probably the worst.  No matter what I do I can’t get comfortable.

So anyway, that’s the rest of what I wasn’t able to peck out on the iPad yesterday.  I am doing a little better, just still pretty well wiped.  Thanks to those of you who left me encouraging words.