This is going to be odd. Wait, damn near everything I write is odd. Hmm, this will likely be odder than usual. Is that even a word?
I’ve started singing in the car again, but only if I’m alone. Back story – I sang in choirs at school the entire time I was going through. In middle school I was in a special choir that would go to elementary schools and put on performances. In college I did University Choir one semester and we sang Handel’s “Messiah” at the opera house in town. I was good. And then I got diagnosed, started taking lithium, and went tone deaf. I literally could not carry a tune in a bucket with ergonomic handles. It was painful, so I stopped.
Recently the call to sing has come back, so I tried. Nothing exciting like complicated a capella arrangements or anything, just singing along to the radio. And it wasn’t half bad. But I’d only sing to certain songs – the ones that meant something to me or had really nice harmonies in my range. (alto)
Then this morning I found myself singing to everything I knew the words to. And liking the way it sounded. And really liking the way it made me feel.
The morning DJ I listen to (he’s the only reason I listen to the radio and I only listen on my morning commute) did a piece on how if we look for the good around us we’ll always find it. And that really made sense to me. On the days I’m mindful of the good, I feel good.
Try it, you might find you like it.
I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned (read: bitched about) the presentation I have to give in May on that project I did last semester. I finally revised the abstract and sent it, along with my equipment requirements, to the organizers the other day. All that really left was the actual presentation. But really, who needs to have a well laid out and thoughtful presentation when doing their first professional appearance like this?
So last night after dinner I hit my second wind. That in and of itself is a rare thing these days. Usually after dinner all I’m really good for is watching tv, farting, and making bad jokes – not necessarily in that order.
But last night at dinner I was hit with some ideas for what I should do to pull this thing off and I knew that if I didn’t capitalize on that I’d lose it and keep dragging my feet about starting. So I went downstairs and fired up the computer, downloaded the university’s official PowerPoint template, printed the “meat” of the paper I wrote, and started.
It’s far from finished but I managed to get a basic structure setup, some of the slides started, and some images located and saved. I spent about an hour working on it, bumping back when I took my night time pills by about 15 minutes, was able to go to bed feeling like I’d really accomplished something, and I slept great.
Rose asked me the other day if I wasn’t concerned that the energy and motivation lately aren’t making me worried about being manic. I answered her, but I thought I’d also address that here just in case anyone else was worried but wasn’t sure how to express it.
I love that we all worry about each other when things seem a little “not right” and that we reach out. That’s why I keep blogging – the connections with my friends and knowing that I’m only ever alone if I chose to be. Y’all are awesome.
But no, I’m fine right now. 🙂
Shrinky-poo uses an analogy for thinking about mania and depression that I really like. She says that a normal, healthy brain runs at about 55mph. A brain dealing with depression runs slower and when it gets down around 35mph you need help. A brain dealing with mania runs faster and when it gets up around 75mph you need help. Obviously other diagnoses and health factors totally play a part in this, so your mileage may vary.
I prefer to run a tiny bit fast – around 65mph. That’s where I feel best and most in control. It’s got some of the “extra” energy of mania, but it’s still 100% controllable and safe. This is where I have the energy to deal with my responsibilities at work, at home, and at school, all at the same time. This is also, oddly enough, where I sleep best. Having that kind of speed during the day means I have energy to physically wear myself out enough that the night meds can do their job and knock me out.
So, the energy and motivation I’ve got right now are what passes as “normal” for me. If I was a cat I’d be purring. But please, if something I write ever causes you concern, you are 100% welcome to bring it to my attention. We often don’t see things in ourselves that could be problematic, but our friends spot them right away.
And now I leave you with a song from one of my all time fav bands. This may become my new anthem. I hope you enjoy. (some of the lyrics are NSFW, just sayin… the video is, as Josh would say, “tits”)