31 Monday Mar 2014
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That idiot classmate of mine had one good idea for a logo. ONE. And it was still just a rough sketch on notebook paper. He doesn’t really know Photoshop. He didn’t buy the book to learn it. He had nothing to add to the piece that’s due on Wednesday.
We have 5 class meetings in April, at least 2 of which are supposed to be set aside for giving presentations.
DAMMIT!!!
31 Monday Mar 2014
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I totally understand why profs want you to do group work while in school. There are very few professions where one can expect to work in isolation, so knowing how to function as part of a team is a highly marketable skill. And I have very few problems working as a part of a team for my job.
But I swear to all that is holy, I am going to kick the living shit out of that fat-ass motherfucker I’m supposed to be working on this ungodly project with.
The last time we met was March 12. That was the night we decided on our topics and got assigned to our groups. He and I decided we’d meet the following week. Then he emailed saying something came up. We arranged to meet during spring break (last week) but again, something came up. I didn’t hear from him from over a week. We have the first piece due on Wednesday. I took a stab at it and emailed him yesterday asking him to take a look and see what he could do.
The file is EXACTLY the same as I left it.
So on top of the fact that the prof screwed up my individual project, now I get to deal with this little fuck who apparently isn’t interested in doing any work. The only good thing I really have going for me is the “evaluation of group members” portion in which I will be able to make note of all this shit.
30 Sunday Mar 2014
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bipolar disorder, frugal, life, meds, mental health, mental illness, money, motivation, random shit that falls out of my brain, thrifty tips
Today, March 30, was Vincent Van Gogh’s birthday. It’s also World Bipolar Day. You can read more about it here. (they also have a page on FB that’s pretty nice) As y’all know, I have a bipolar Dx and I’m not at all ashamed to talk about it. I wish Josh felt the same.
yes, you’ve seen this before, but not with the cool text overlay bit. i posted this on the international bipolar foundation facebook page.
Speaking of Josh, he’s still asleep. In some respects, the Seroquel hasn’t changed a damn thing. He still mostly stays up later than he should and he mostly sleeps in way later than he should on the weekends. I could be totally wrong about this, but for me, having semi-regular sleep/wake routines and times has helped tremendously.
We got tons of stuff done yesterday. There are only a few things left to do and they mostly involved stuff I needed to finish. Mom and I ended up going shopping for awhile and Josh powered through the to do list while we were gone. He’s a really good guy sometimes.
I’ve been having problems with my pants lately, mostly with them feeling too big. Which was odd because the last time I got pants was because what I’d been wearing felt too small. But yesterday I got brave and tried on some size 18s again and they fit perfectly. YES! I also found some great jewelry on clearance and ordered a new pair of Skechers.
Assuming Josh ever wakes up, we’re going to head to my office with some supplies and so I can get some work done while Josh amuses himself with a separate computer and we both stay out of Mom’s way. Yesterday I picked up a really pretty aqua blue plate and bowl and a darker teal plastic tumbler to leave at the office so that I should really only have throw away napkins. It may seem silly, but I eat breakfast and lunch at the office 5 days a week, and that has the potential to add up to a whole lot of plastic cutlery, plates, etc. that just get tossed in the trash. Any little bit I can do to help keep quite so much of that crap from adding up should help.
I had a conversation with one of the guys at the office on Friday about some of the “frugal” things I do to help cut down on my costs and on the landfill impact. Here are some of them:
Anyway, I know we all have our little tips and tricks for saving money, I’d love to hear what yours are. 🙂
27 Thursday Mar 2014
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bipolar disorder, friends, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, music, school, sleep, stress, work
This is going to be odd. Wait, damn near everything I write is odd. Hmm, this will likely be odder than usual. Is that even a word?
I’ve started singing in the car again, but only if I’m alone. Back story – I sang in choirs at school the entire time I was going through. In middle school I was in a special choir that would go to elementary schools and put on performances. In college I did University Choir one semester and we sang Handel’s “Messiah” at the opera house in town. I was good. And then I got diagnosed, started taking lithium, and went tone deaf. I literally could not carry a tune in a bucket with ergonomic handles. It was painful, so I stopped.
Recently the call to sing has come back, so I tried. Nothing exciting like complicated a capella arrangements or anything, just singing along to the radio. And it wasn’t half bad. But I’d only sing to certain songs – the ones that meant something to me or had really nice harmonies in my range. (alto)
Then this morning I found myself singing to everything I knew the words to. And liking the way it sounded. And really liking the way it made me feel.
The morning DJ I listen to (he’s the only reason I listen to the radio and I only listen on my morning commute) did a piece on how if we look for the good around us we’ll always find it. And that really made sense to me. On the days I’m mindful of the good, I feel good.
Try it, you might find you like it.
I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned (read: bitched about) the presentation I have to give in May on that project I did last semester. I finally revised the abstract and sent it, along with my equipment requirements, to the organizers the other day. All that really left was the actual presentation. But really, who needs to have a well laid out and thoughtful presentation when doing their first professional appearance like this?
So last night after dinner I hit my second wind. That in and of itself is a rare thing these days. Usually after dinner all I’m really good for is watching tv, farting, and making bad jokes – not necessarily in that order.
But last night at dinner I was hit with some ideas for what I should do to pull this thing off and I knew that if I didn’t capitalize on that I’d lose it and keep dragging my feet about starting. So I went downstairs and fired up the computer, downloaded the university’s official PowerPoint template, printed the “meat” of the paper I wrote, and started.
It’s far from finished but I managed to get a basic structure setup, some of the slides started, and some images located and saved. I spent about an hour working on it, bumping back when I took my night time pills by about 15 minutes, was able to go to bed feeling like I’d really accomplished something, and I slept great.
Rose asked me the other day if I wasn’t concerned that the energy and motivation lately aren’t making me worried about being manic. I answered her, but I thought I’d also address that here just in case anyone else was worried but wasn’t sure how to express it.
I love that we all worry about each other when things seem a little “not right” and that we reach out. That’s why I keep blogging – the connections with my friends and knowing that I’m only ever alone if I chose to be. Y’all are awesome.
But no, I’m fine right now. 🙂
Shrinky-poo uses an analogy for thinking about mania and depression that I really like. She says that a normal, healthy brain runs at about 55mph. A brain dealing with depression runs slower and when it gets down around 35mph you need help. A brain dealing with mania runs faster and when it gets up around 75mph you need help. Obviously other diagnoses and health factors totally play a part in this, so your mileage may vary.
I prefer to run a tiny bit fast – around 65mph. That’s where I feel best and most in control. It’s got some of the “extra” energy of mania, but it’s still 100% controllable and safe. This is where I have the energy to deal with my responsibilities at work, at home, and at school, all at the same time. This is also, oddly enough, where I sleep best. Having that kind of speed during the day means I have energy to physically wear myself out enough that the night meds can do their job and knock me out.
So, the energy and motivation I’ve got right now are what passes as “normal” for me. If I was a cat I’d be purring. But please, if something I write ever causes you concern, you are 100% welcome to bring it to my attention. We often don’t see things in ourselves that could be problematic, but our friends spot them right away.
And now I leave you with a song from one of my all time fav bands. This may become my new anthem. I hope you enjoy. (some of the lyrics are NSFW, just sayin… the video is, as Josh would say, “tits”)
26 Wednesday Mar 2014
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anxiety, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, the world is full of fucking idiots, work
It’s been a shit day. Not that anyone should care, but here are the highlights…
This is all petty and I feel like a shit for even mentioning it, but I’m pissed. Josh is alleging that he’ll take care of me tonight. Oh really? By leaving, perhaps?
26 Wednesday Mar 2014
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My good friend Mer has a Dx of Fibro and had to go on disability because of it. It’s a terrible disease, and I really don’t know how she does it. But Mer is a fighter. She and her wonderful hubs are having some difficulties coming up with the funds to pay the taxes on their home. Zoe setup a donation site so that we can try to help them out.
Please, if you have a few extra bucks, consider making a donation. Many of us say “if only there was something I could do to help my sisters who are struggling” – this is something. It’s easy to do and you’ll feel good about it.
25 Tuesday Mar 2014
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Tags
anxiety, bipolar disorder, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work
Things are still moving in a forward direction, which pleases me. I’m trying to stay on top of things at home, at the office, and with school – all at the same time. Not much to report with school – my sad sack of a partner is incommunicado at the moment. I’d like to kick him in the junk, if I’m honest. Oh well, part of this project is an evaluation of each other.
Things at the office are alright, just busy. This is spring break for us which means things have been a little odd. Yesterday I was in 2 meetings that totaled precisely half the clock time I was here. Fortunately they were both with awesome people. This morning I decided not to go to a mini-conference I had signed up for and stayed in my office cranking out stuff. I got a fuck-ton accomplished and feel oodles better about where my to do list is. And I’ve been managing to keep my email inbox totally cleaned out since around lunch time yesterday. YAY!!!
I’ve got all of the stuff for my class tomorrow lined up (if I can’t pawn it off on S), I’ve got the stuff for next Friday’s class ready, and as soon as my boss approves the flyer and newsletter article everything for my last class of this semester will be done and ready. Now I really just need to focus on my big ass presentation for in May. Not yay.
Home has been pretty alright. The weekend was mostly better than I thought it would be. (except for the part where the cast iron pipes caught another wad o TP and poo and made a tiny flood in the basement AGAIN) Josh is doing alright with the Seroquel. He’s got the typical munchies that come with it and has the great hangover in the mornings. Last night he got too cold when he went out to smoke for the last time and couldn’t fall asleep because he was shivering so hard, so he ended up taking an Ambien on top of it. The doc had told him that was alright if he needed to, it just made him that much harder to get up this morning.
My mental stuff seems to be alright. I’ve been eating a little more than usual today, but that’s probably partially because I’ve actually had time to. I’ve also managed to drink an entire half gallon of milk in two days BY MYSELF. What can I say, I love the moo-juice. And I should never ever have to worry about osteoporosis.
I’m still kind of on the whole “redecorate, rearrange, clean out, organize” kick. I got $50 worth of new picture frames at Michael’s last night and redid some of my stuff at work. I’d had some of my photos hanging on these dragonfly things that Josh got me last year, which are cool – the pictures are held by their wings – but the photos tend to curl. So I put some of them in frames. Then I had to rearrange some shit on my desk and my bookcase and the cabinets. And then the phone was stuck to my desk cuz I eat lunch right there. And then I cleaned the science experiments out of the fridge. Yeah, it’s a sickness, I know. Anymore it seems like if there’s even the tiniest bit of chaos around me I just can’t focus on the things that need to get done. And I am 100% all about the efficiency. I don’t know, this just might be the next episode of “When Coping Skills Go Horribly Wrong.”
23 Sunday Mar 2014
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bipolar disorder, family, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sleep, stress
It’s been a really unusual weekend, which is saying a lot considering who’s writing this post. Let me see if I can get y’all up to date.
I went and saw T-bone Friday morning and we had a really great conversation. I told him that I’m 99% ready to let go of this mess. The problem is that I cave when I get in a room alone with Josh. It’s not that he intimidates me – not at all. I just see the potential again and I forget about all of the bullshit.
Every. Fucking. Time.
So when he got home from work on Friday I told him that I see this going one of three ways.
He says he’ll work on growing up. I told him I’m going to start pushing. For example, his next psych appointment is April 7. My next therapy appointment is April 7. He’ll have to go by himself.
He did start the Seroquel Friday night, and man was that interesting. He took 50mg at 7pm and by 9:15 was out cold. I wasn’t able to get him out of bed until 9:30 yesterday morning, and even then he wasn’t totally with it. He took 50mg again last night and I’m not sure what time he fell asleep, but I don’t think it was very late. I was exhausted and crashed shortly after 9. Anyway, I’ve told him that if he thinks he’s going to have a hard time driving on Monday I’ll be happy to cart him in to work.
Birthday Update
It’s been pretty interesting, mostly in a good way.
the cutest squirrel shirt EVAH!
I finally got to wear the totally awesome squirrel shirt from Gold Fish and I love it. Sheena had asked for a product review, so here goes:
hiding under all that gravy is homemade chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes
Super awesome birthday dinner that I cooked myself. I realize it doesn’t look like much since I insist on smothering it in as much gravy as possible, but take my word for it – this was my best batch ever. Evidently I have an easier time making this rather labor intensive meal when I’m by myself.
Dairy Queen ice cream cake
I was craving nostalgia. And that gooey chocolate stuff in the middle. The frosting sucked though.
a water color painting from the kid
This will be going to my office. I don’t think it’s at all bad for an 11 year old.
new bucket
Wow, this picture kind of sucks. Anyway, Josh and the kid got me a new purse. It’s damn near twice as big as what I was carrying, but it has almost exactly the same pocket configuration, which is crucial. The color is called “tomatoe” but I don’t think it’s quite that red, more orange-y.
All in all it hasn’t been a terrible weekend. I have managed to get quite a bit done. Next week is Spring Break for us which really only means… Um… Well, nothing for me. Eh, oh well.
21 Friday Mar 2014
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Tags
anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, kids, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots
There are some religious folks who will tell you that god never gives you more than you can handle at one time. Really? Does anyone have god’s cell phone number? I’d like to call and tell him to knock it the fuck off, I need a break.
Wednesday night after I tried to go to sleep Josh came and woke me up. Evidently the plastic coffee canister that we’d been using as an ashtray on the back deck had melted through and burned a hole clean through two of the deck boards. We’re in the middle of a wicked drought right now so it’s nothing short of a miracle that this didn’t catch the house or the yard on fire. He assured me that he had gotten it under control. I went back to sleep, or tried to, and decided that I’d see for myself in the morning.
Yup, nice sized hole clear through the boards. I opted not to tell Mom right away because there wasn’t a damn thing either of us could do right then. I didn’t hide it from her, I just didn’t tell her until she was on her way home. She was very understandably upset. Actually no, 100% PISSED OFF. And rightly so.
Josh didn’t apologize, just like he still hasn’t apologized for destroying the laptop.
And this puts me in a terribly uncomfortable position. I get that it was an accident, but I get that this could have destroyed our home. The home my mom spent time with my dad in. The home I grew up in. We could have lost that because of what really comes down to him being careless and smoking when he’s too tired.
If it comes to the point of having to chose between the two of them I will chose Mom. I don’t even have to think about that. She’s always been there for me, and he’s really only ever proven that he’s good at causing problems.
So, welcome to this morning. I’m off work today because it’s my birthday. Yay. So far I’ve done some laundry, emptied a cat box, loaded some new software on my laptop, cleaned up some shit in my email accounts, made my plan of attack.
Grown ups don’t really get to celebrate birthdays. There’s always more stuff that needs to be done and, really, after age 21 there’s just not a whole lot of reason to celebrate.
I’ll go see my therapist later, maybe run to a grocery store or two, try to finish the chores, maybe do a little homework. The brat is coming this weekend and I am really not looking forward to that. And the ex wants us to take her 2 weekends in a row again. I’ve told that idiot I don’t know how many times that 2 in a row really doesn’t work for us, but she keeps pushing it. That’s fine, I’m fully prepared to let Josh deal with her and make myself scarce.
His psychiatrist asked him on Wednesday what he felt was his biggest source of stress. He grabbed me by the shoulders, shook me a little, and said, “this, this is my biggest stressor.”
I do damn near everything for that ungrateful sonofabitch. I must be the dumbest woman EVER.
19 Wednesday Mar 2014
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Tags
anxiety, bipolar disorder, life, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, normal, stress
Josh has Bipolar II. And maybe ADHD. But definitely Bipolar.
I have long suspected this, so in some ways it’s no surprise at all. But still, to hear a medical professional armed with a script pad tell you… It’s just different. It has to become Real. No, maybe REAL.
He starts Seroquel XR tomorrow night. He would have started tonight but our pharmacy was out of the 50mg pills. So he’ll start tomorrow.
He doesn’t want his family or his friends to know.
I get that, and yet, no.
He’s a much more private person than I am and he’s not at all close to his family. Out of respect for his privacy I haven’t said and won’t say anything to any of them.
But it makes me wonder. Is he ashamed of having a mental illness? Is he ashamed of having THIS mental illness? Is he ashamed of ME?
I know that the most important thing right now is getting him cared for. And I know that it takes time for something this life altering to sink in. All that really matters is making sure that we can both live the lives we want to, safely.
I hope that having been on the patient side of the equation for so long will help me handle my role on the caregiver side somewhat better.
If we don’t have hope, we don’t have anything.
Mental in the Midwest 
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