- I got to go on a picnic with my nieces on Friday.
- Josh and I finally emptied our storage unit, well, almost. The only things left are one largish tote with just a few things in it and my grandmother’s rocking chair. The tote just wouldn’t fit in the car, the rocking chair doesn’t have a place at the house yet. I have to give the storage place 30 days notice anyway, so I figure we’ll finish next weekend.
- While cleaning out the storage unit I found some “treasures” I’d forgotten about.
- I made excellent progress on one of my ongoing projects at work.
- I did some of my wicked organizing at work, which I’m hoping pays off later this summer when I finally get time to revise my training classes.
- I’ve been making appropriate progress with my “running” to do list. A little bit each night really does add up.
- Josh and I have been getting along pretty well considering all of the stress right now.
- I finally feel like I’m making small changes that are adding up to our living space feel more like it’s ours.
- I was given the opportunity to say something on behalf of a friend who had been harassed. It felt good.
- Evie Cat seems to be pulling out of the “kitteh funk” she was in.
25 Songs in 25 Days Challenge – Day Twenty Four
A song that you have danced to with your best friend
I am totally cheating here, partially because that’s what I do and partially because I don’t dance. So, this is one that makes me think of my best friend and that makes me smile.
For my best friend and the love of my life, the amazing Josh… Have I Told You Lately by Van Morrison
If you’ve been following this blog for any length of time you’ll know that things have not always been so swell with Josh and I. We both have mental health diagnoses, he had an alcohol addiction, neither of us have always made great decisions. But we’ve stuck by each other for 4 years now, and I don’t see any signs of us stopping loving each other.
I just got a notice from WP that today is my anniversary. My SIX YEAR anniversary to be exact. Wow…
So yeah, I started my first blog here way back when. I’ve changed names and addresses just a few times, always to protect the innocent. (ME!) But I’ve always written about mental health and the crazy ass creative stuff I do. Writing is great therapy for me and I’ve met some really lovely people here. (we don’t talk about the whack jobs on account of the restraining order)
I guess the most important thing is,
I think pretty much everyone who visits regularly knows that I have a Dx of Bipolar Disorder, type II. I talk about that a fair bit because it still plays a huge role in my daily life. But right now my meds are good and my moods are usually pretty stable. People who only know me professionally generally don’t know or suspect that there’s anything out of the ordinary about me. Life is pretty fucking good these days, but it wasn’t always.
I also have a Dx of Borderline Personality Disorder. If you’re not familiar with it, this article is pretty decent. I’ve been told that in order to get a Dx you have to satisfy at least 5 of the 9 criteria. I was satisfying 8 when I was diagnosed in 2008. Generally speaking there are no meds to treat Borderline, just a special kind of therapy – DBT. I’ve been through it twice now, 12 months total, and it really does help. But still, I struggled.
I attempted suicide 4 times between December 2008 and February 2010. All were overdoses. Anything I could find in the medicine cabinet went into my stomach, once along with an entire fifth of whiskey. Twice I was taken to the hospital in the back of an ambulance. Once I attempted at my grandmother’s grave and when my dad and sister came to get me I was so far gone I didn’t recognize either of them. Twice I woke up in the ICU. Once I had to drink activated charcoal. Once I had my stomach pumped.
The last time I was so combative, because of a nasty reaction to Ativan, that I was nearly arrested while still in the ICU. When I regained full consciousness I was handcuffed to the bed because I tried to punch a nurse. My psychiatrist was seriously concerned that I’d done permanent brain damage and that I’d never be whole again.
All of this heartache and bullshit because of boys.
I didn’t realize that not one of those lousy fuckers were really worth the oxygen they were sucking, let alone me giving up my life. But I couldn’t see that at the time. All I saw was that these boys who allegedly cared for me didn’t anymore and that meant that I must not be worth anything to anyone.
I. Was. Wrong.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There are ways to handle anything, ANYTHING, that life throws at you. We have to remember that we are special, and valuable, and we mean the world to at least one person.
Fight. Fight with everything you’ve got and then fight some more. You’re not alone. We’ve been there, and we’ve felt the terrible nothing that seems so all consuming. But it’s not. There’s hope and there’s light and there’s tomorrow.
Let yourself have tomorrow.
If you’re at that place where you don’t see a way out, reach out. These wonderful people will help you. Visit the website or call them at 1-800-273-8255. Just don’t give up, don’t ever give up. You have so much left to offer, it would be a shame to deprive the world of your beauty so soon.
Mama loves you, stay safe.
25 Songs in 25 Days Challenge – Day Twenty Three
A song that you cannot stand to listen to
I apologize in advance for this, kids.
Actually, damn near any “music” that falls into the whole “club/house/dj/I made this on my MacBook during study hall” category.
THAT’S NOT FUCKING MUSIC!!!
In fact, I listened to precisely 30 seconds of this, just to make sure it really was what I had remembered. At 31 seconds my eardrums started to bleed and I had to shut it off.
Yup, Mama is messing again. Do ya like the new look? Yeah, the header is a whole lot like the last one, but I had no fucking clue that I could put in a pretty color background to match. Ah yes, purple – ain’t it grand?
Anyway, this is about all I’m capable of right now. I’m still not sleeping good, mostly because of some shit going on at home that I just don’t feel like going into right now. Josh and I are fine, but there are things beyond our control that are influencing us and how we’re treating each other. It’s ok, we’ll get through it, it just might be less than stellar for a bit.
This morning I spent some time going through my email again and fishing out resources I want to hang on to for a couple of projects. That was good. I also transferred some notes to my board related to a whole new set of bullshit I have to fit in this summer. And I got Twindaddy to do a little testing with me, which was kind of nifty in a totally geeky way. Hey, I’m easily amused.
This afternoon I’ve been mostly fucking off. I tweaked the look stuph here and I’ve been messing a bit with FB. Right now I’m listening to my boss and the communication monkey fight about our new website. Hello raging headache.
At any rate, I’ve been thinking about how much fun I’ve had doing the 25 songs in 25 days challenge and that maybe I should setup another one. But not for any time too soon. So, in the spirit of efficiency, here’s a form to fill out for ideas and stuph…
That’s all for now, kids. There’s only 3 days left in the music challenge and I can’t wait to share mine with you.
25 Songs in 25 Days Challenge – Day Twenty Two
A song that someone has sung to you
Ah yes, more Van…
Van Morrison “Brown Eyed Girl”
Ok, so it’s an older and fatter Van, but still. And I sure as fuck know what a brown eyed girl is – ME!
The only guy who has ever sang to me (so far) was Rob. He had a great voice and once he learned of my love for Van he made a point to fucking nail this song for me. And he did.
I’m too tired and burnt right now to write a proper post. I will tell you that the visit with shrinky-poo yesterday went well. All of my blood work came back right where she wants it. I told her about the sleep issues and the need to clean, she said to just keep an eye on things for now. I go back mid July, sooner if I feel like I need to.
Now, I shall distract you from the lack of words in this post with some of my favorite images I’ve been collecting…
25 Songs in 25 Days Challenge – Day Twenty One
Your favorite song
Not even the slightest bit of hesitation here.
Van Morrison “Into the Mystic”
To be perfectly honest, I don’t even know what the fuck this is about. I don’t. And you know what? I don’t care. It’s a gorgeous song that touches me in my soul and makes me want to move like a snake. And there’s just something about his voice. I get all warm and happy when I hear this.
And I really, REALLY, want to have a gypsy soul.
I kind of feel like this poor little bastard right now. I’ve got a half-ass headache, my digestive system is on a rampage, and I am surrounded by IDIOTS. There’s a ton of stuff I really need to be doing, but right now I’m snacking on croutons, drinking iced tea, and listening to Blues Traveler. I’m contemplating going out to smoke, but that’s just a little too far from the toilet right now.
Anyway, I’m trying to get back in the swing of things. There are lists to be dealt with, email to respond to, maybe a Wonder Twins post to put together, and plans for the weekend to sort out. Plus there’s a visit with shrinky-poo this afternoon. Should be just a routine med check and follow up from the blood work she ordered last month.
Oh, yes, anyway, I’ve got another Organizational Tips for Little Squirrels started for next Monday. If anyone has a “theme” they’d like me to cover, just let me know. Next week I’m going for inexpensive tools to help organize stuph. Cheap is good, at least when it comes to staying organized. You should stay away from cheap women. They never end up being cheap in the right ways.