Y’all know by now that I’m living with a dual Dx – bipolar II and borderline. I’ve spent time inpatient more times than I can clearly remember. I’ve also done a few different kinds of therapy, an outpatient program at the hospital, and I’ve taken lots of different meds. Over the course of the last 9 years I’ve gotten pretty good at the whole “being mental” thing. But lately I’ve been wondering if I really have. Let me attempt to explain…
I am not the least bit ashamed to “out” myself about the bipolar. I don’t really care who knows or what they think. It’s part of who I am and it’s shaped me to be the person I am – a strong, intelligent woman who doesn’t take shit from anyone.
But I damn near never say anything about the borderline.
It’s a piece of me, for sure, but it’s a piece that embarrasses me. I think back on all of the asinine things I’ve done and wonder if that could have really been me. I’m so much smarter than that, aren’t I? Did I really buy a $30,000 sports car for a guy I had just met because I thought it would make him like me? How many guys did I sleep with immediately after meeting them because I just knew that was how they’d show me they loved me? How many times did someone go from an angel to a devil in my mind within a span of seconds all because I have no concept of “gray?”
Yes, I have done all of those things and a million more. Am I proud of any of it? Nope. Would I rather the world never had to witness the destruction that is me in a shitty mood? Yup. But am I still here, and still me, and still willing to fight for my sanity? You had better fucking believe it.
So yes, I’m embarrassed about the borderline, but I’m working on it. Going through two rounds of DBT has helped immensely. I’m not that same confused little girl that I was when I did those things. I have more effective skills in my arsenal of tools these days. But sometimes, sometimes she comes out again, and it scares me.