Tags
bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, family, friends, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, suicide
I’m going to put a Trigger Warning for Suicide on this one kids.
I’m going to talk some about suicide again and I don’t want to catch anyone off guard. Y’all know me by now – no gore or icky details, but I’d like to speak honestly. I’ve written about this before, and I’ll write about it again, and again, and again until no one ever feels compelled to take their own life.
If you’re fortunate enough to have never felt like taking your life was the only way out, count your blessings. No really, we’ll wait.
You go say a little prayer of thanks to the higher power of your understanding that you’ve never had to experience the kind of soul searing anguish in your heart that make you honestly believe that never ever breathing again was the best way to remedy the situation.
And then you need to say thank you again, just for good measure.
Feeling actively suicidal was the most unholy feeling I’ve ever experienced. Just think about it – hurting on the inside so fucking bad that you couldn’t see a way to make it stop hurting except to submit to the ultimate hurt.
It’s all about the pain and wanting to end it, but not have the foggiest fucking idea of how to do that. Because some of us awesome people don’t have awesome coping skills. We want to live, we want to be happy again, we want to know the love that people feel for us, but for fuck sake, we need that pain to go away. And we need some help.
That point of giving up, giving in to the pain and the suffering and just wanting to never ever care again – that, my friends, is the dangerous place. That is often the point of no return. That is the point where passively thinking to yourself that you want it to end in vague terms that don’t exactly mean anything changes to making plans, plans like you’d make to meet a friend for drinks. Only these plans aren’t supposed to be the kind you end up making again. And again.
And there are those misguided people who will tell you how cowardly suicide is. Yes, in a way, but no, not really. It depends on why, WHY does your heart hurt like this?
I cannot even fathom being bullied into suicide. That wasn’t me, never me. I took care of the bullying myself. I was never good enough for ME. Those voices telling me that garbage, trying to poison my soul, those all sounded like my voice. And in that respect, yes, I was being cowardly. I wasn’t willing to fight for the life my mother and father struggled for so many long years to give me. How selfish was that?
But this is the rub. I would not hurt anymore, but Mom and Josh and my nieces and my friends – the people who love me and value me would hurt so much worse. THAT would be selfish, selfish beyond all measure of the word. The kind of selfish that you carry with you into the afterlife and then with you when you’re born again, as some kind of bottom dwelling, garbage eating fish. Or worse – a politician.
Correction – I WAS that girl. I would still spend as much time and energy as it required to get someone the necessary help or talk them down, but I’m ok now, my voice says nicer things to me in my head these days. I’ve been okay for more than four years. Four glorious years. But it took hard work, lots and LOTS of it. And it took love, oh so much LOVE.
There are lessons today, kids – pay attention, this shit is important
There will be another day – take a chance that it’s going to be better
It will probably be hard again, no, it will almost certainly be hard again – but you can do this, you’ve done it before
This might be the truest statement ever written
I’m going to offer this again – if you need help, visit the site or call 1-800-273-8255. You are worth having an amazing life, and if you aren’t here, how can your life be amazing? If you don’t think anyone loves you, you’re wrong.
I LOVE YOU.
Thank you, that was beautifully written. And I love all the pictures.
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Thanks, sometimes I find the pictures help illustrate what I’m trying to say far better than any words I can come up with. 🙂
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I’ve tweeted you. Are you on twitter, so that i can follow you there?
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Yes, but with my real name, which I don’t want associated with the blog. I suppose I could con Merbear into showing me how to setup a separate feed just for the blog… Give me a little bit, I’m about to go into meetings for most of the morning. Maybe I can get this taken care of this evening.
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Oh my…Such a powerful post. Thank you for that.
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Thank you, it helped me a lot to realize that I was in a place to write this one.
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wish we could send the link to this post to all mailboxes of the world. Great post!
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Thanks Easy, I wish that, too. 🙂
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This is so powerful. As someone who failed suicide, I still get seething angry when it is labeled selfish or cowardly. Part of me wants to transfer the anguish into minds and taunt with that day after day and tell me you think it will get better, when you are feeling that anguish. Then I cry. The other part just says be glad you have never felt that anguish.
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It’s hard, really fucking hard. That’s why I make sure every week to write about this kind of stuff. I want to keep reminding those of us who are fighting this war that we’re not alone and I want to give those who aren’t a look inside what it’s like to be trapped with these feelings.
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Great and powerful post, Mama. I agree with Easy…if only we could send this link to all the people in the world.
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Thanks sweetie. ❤
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::sniff::
Years ago, when I got to that active ideation place, I would look at my son and think, “Just wait one more day. See how it goes.” I put it off one day at a time for a long time, and here I am.
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I’ve been there, too. For awhile it was so bad I’d end up having to break the day into smaller pieces. “If I can make it til lunch, it’ll be fine.” Then I’d go to, “if I can make it home from work” and then onto “if I can make it past dinner I’ll just go to sleep early.” We do what we must.
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This is such a beautiful, heart felt post, made all the more so because you know exactly what you’re talking about first hand. I love you too 🙂 xx
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Dear lord I wish I didn’t, but yes – been there, done that (4x), still no fucking t-shirt to show for it.
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Wonderfully written! To all those who “judge” other people for being “cowardly,” just remember that we all have the propensity to kill ourselves, it just depends on the day and the people around us. I am so very proud of YOU!!! 🙂
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Thank you, that means a lot. 🙂
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This was a tough read but an important one. Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you for reading. Only through this kind of sharing will the stigma go away.
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I love you, Erin, and treasure our friendship. Thank you for writing this…I often feel like throwing the towel in…so I needed this post. I think many of us do, so if you don’t mind, I am reblogging.
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I don’t mind one bit. And I’m glad this prompted you to write your post. The more we talk about this, the less power it has over us. We WILL get through this shit with help from our friends and loved ones, I 100% believe that.
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Reblogged this on Knocked over by a feather and commented:
I needed to read this post…we are all essential.
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You said it so well – it is about pain. Two family members I dearly loved too their own lives. While others will judge I can only feel sad and wonder what I could have done. I’ve written about teen suicide because the teens in my life talk about it – talk about other kids who feel there is no other way to make things better. It just breaks my heart in the worst way. Thank you for this post. Hope you don’t mind if I repost on West Coast Review. Thanks. Hugs.
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I am so sorry for your loss. Any loss is terrible, but a loss to suicide is somehow even worse. Feel free to reblog, I don’t mind at all.
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This was amazing. I love the “suicide doesn’t end the pain, it gives it to someone else.” Thanks, Mama!
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Hang in there honey, it takes a village to keep us all going. *hugs*
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Pingback: An important post about suicide | West Coast Review
This post is just one of the many reasons why we love you too x
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Y’all have no fucking idea how much I need you and how much you mean to me. Honestly.
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That works both ways sunshine, it really does 🙂
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❤
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Thank you for this post, MM. I’m so glad you’re not that girl anymore and you’re still here to write about it.
P.S. Love the purple squirrel shirt. 😉
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I speak for those who cannot speak for themselves, as you do on the subjects you are a survivor.
And yes, that is a bitchin’ shirt. I know this phenomenally talented artist… 😉
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Powerful words of inspiration and encouragement. Thank you for sharing this. 🙂
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You’re welcome. I’m glad it got her talking. Take care of that little lady, she means a lot to us.
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I sure will! I love her with all my heart!
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Oh, wow. Been there, done that.
What did it for me was hearing, “You don’t want to die — you just don’t want to live like this.”
Exactly.
Very glad you’re still here. 🙂
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That’s it – EXACTLY. I’ll happily live another 1000 years if someone can promise me that I won’t EVER have to feel like that again.
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I’m also glad you’re still here.
I’m right now glad that I’m still here too.
My relationship with suicide is deep rooted. Having experienced it as a daughter of someone who attempted it on eight separate occasions, and then growing up to myself experiencing it too.
There were times that suicide to me, felt as simple as the option of what I’m going to wear that day. It was just going to happen.
There were times of incredible pain, where I was just exhausted with the pain and wanted a break from it. Where I felt that I wanted to give up fighting just for a few moments.
There were times where I felt that I was a burden on everyone in my life, that they’d be better off if I disappeared. That’s what my ED was about, I didn’t care what I looked like, it was about actively disappearing, and it “helped” because by disappearing in a physical sense, I was causing myself so much harm, that I could potentially die from it. That’s mostly how I dealt with suicidal thoughts.
My meds, as much as I hate them, help a lot with those. I still have them when I’m in an episode, but I don’t have them on a day to day basis like I used to. It was so matter of fact. I wrote a whole book of letters to my little one saying sorry for what I was going to do. I was forever planning it.
So glad I’m not in that place anymore.
Thanks for writing this. x
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I’m glad you’re here and that I’m getting to know you. You’re an amazing woman. Stick around and show the world how amazing you are. 😉
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You are also amazing hon x
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