prepare for Mama-geddon

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, Evie Cat, friends, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, stress, work

Hiya bitches, I’m baaaack!

Sorry to abandon y’all like that, but I needed some time to sort. Again. And figure out where bits of my life are going. Again. And sniff lots of dirty shoes in an attempt to become mentally altered. Oh, wait…

August is always a really busy time for me. It’s when I teach the most, it’s when classes start up for Mama the Student again, money gets weird because of needing new license plates for the cars, things with Josh have been tenuous at best, personal relationships at work have SUCKED, my mental health has not been as stable as I’d have liked, Mom’s birthday, and then her anniversary (which, as I sit here I am just realizing that it has come and gone and I am such a shit for forgetting it)…

When things here in Blogville got shitty again, it was kind of the last straw for me. I had well and truly had more than enough bullshit. And I couldn’t see then how to best deal with it.

So I had to think, and process, and think a little more, and talk to T-Bone, and pet the Evie Cat, and think some more. My thinking/sorting process is NEVER linear, and frequently very messy. Given that there were so many things to sort this time, it was messier than usual, particularly since many of the sorts had the potential to be Very Life Altering.

That, that bit above ^, that is what I decided on, and it’s going to guide everything.

My job helps improve the quality of higher education for students. Education almost always equates to better job opportunities, which almost always equates to better pay, which almost always equates to a better quality of life. Seems like a right good cause to me.

I’m getting better and better at expressing myself, in writing, through my art, and in speaking to people. I was told by T-Bone this week that he felt I’d make a very fine stand up comedienne. I’ve realized that it’s more important for me to speak my truth – respectfully – than it is to try to impress people. I am what I am, like me or not, that’s not my fucking problem.

The hard issue to work on has been what to do about my marriage. I haven’t talked about it here much lately because I didn’t have much to say other than I haven’t been happy. This is different than how I used to be unhappy when Josh and I first got married, mainly because he very seldom drinks anymore. But when I look at the situation from a purely analytical perspective, it’s really fucking grim. I question why I stay with him, what is it that I’m getting out of this relationship?

But something keeps me with him, keeps me wanting to try. And we’ve finally started talking again, like really talking, and it’s gotten vastly better over the last few days. I find that really encouraging.

So part of what’s left to figure out is how to find some balance in all this. Josh will start his class next Wednesday and will be gone Mondays and Wednesdays until mid November. My class this semester is online, so I will most likely try to do my school stuff on the evenings he’s gone – it’s just easier that way. And grad school work doesn’t really phase me at this point.

Work will stay busy for awhile, which means any blogging will have to be done in the evenings before 8pm. I’m kind of having mixed emotions about trying to write posts ahead and then schedule them. That was part of what was making all of this feel like work. However, I definitely want to keep up with the CCC and Life Through the Lens weekly challenges. And I REALLY want to get back to doing the Building Rome posts. There just has to be a way to make this all work.

Seriously, that’s how I’ve managed to get through both of the degrees I have already plus the promotion. Suck it, bitches!

I did cut back on how many blogs I follow, which has helped, and I’m leaving fewer comments. I just can’t get dragged into some of that shit. And I think I’ll leave comments here on moderation for a little while. You should know, I’ve read all of them and approved everything except those on that first unhappy post. I just can’t.

You should also know that I’ve missed you.

I’ll be trying my best to get back to a more regular schedule, very shortly. Next week is odd because of the holiday and I’ve got a class to deliver on Sept 24 that I have yet to prep for, so that will almost certainly keep me busy at work. But I’ll see what I can do.

Thank you to all of you who have hung in there with me, it really does mean a lot.