happy birthday

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anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, divorce, family, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, school, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

me and my dad, Thanksgiving 2008 (I think)

Today would have been my dad’s 68th birthday. I miss him. A lot. He was funny and kind and just a great guy. I hope he and my grandma are hanging out and having some cake with God.

Life is not swell, I think I mentioned that. I’m pretty sure I’m just about eye-to-eye with my 3rd divorce. It’s really all for the better. If that man actually feels about me the way he described yesterday, there’s absolutely no reason for us to be together. And as for me, I have no feelings for him at all anymore.

I have an appointment to meet with my professor tomorrow afternoon. I’m not understanding this class and it’s stressing me out. I won’t get a raise if I finish this degree, it won’t earn me more money, it doesn’t really do anything tangible for me. And right now all I’m getting is more stress that I really don’t need. I may very well drop the damn thing.

The appointment with the dermatologist yesterday did go well. After waiting 30 minutes to meet her, I found that she was everything the GP promised. She explained several treatment options (surgery didn’t come up!), told me what to do at home to help prevent this from flaring up again, and she took a culture of the current drainage site to determine what bacteria we’re fighting. I’m supposed to hear back later this week to see if I keep taking the current antibiotic or if I have to switch to something else. I really does help to know why I’ve got this issue (genetics) and that there are things I can do to help, besides losing 100lbs.

I know I should do a Building Rome/Life Worth Living post soon, but last week was such a write-off. I’ll get to it. Right now I’m just trying to see if I can get in to see T-Bone this week instead of waiting until next Wednesday. Given the way things are escalating with Josh I’m thinking I’ll need all the help I can get.

an apology

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anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, divorce, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, school, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

I am behind on replying to comments.

I am behind on reading your blogs.

I am behind on updating y’all on what’s been going on.

And I am way behind on sleep.

Life fell apart this weekend in a rather spectacularly hideous way. There is way more that needs to be done right now than I can possibly do and for once I’m not even sure I can figure out how to prioritize this mess. I know there are changes coming as well as events that will certainly prove to be major. And a birthday which is now an anniversary which will likely sting at least a little.

I need to step back briefly and see what I can do and what I need help with. I won’t lie and tell you that I’m fine because in all honesty, I’m just about the farthest you can get from fine right now. But I can tell you that I’m still fighting and I’m still alive and I have every intention of continuing to do both. And I can tell you not to worry, because I will get back to fine.

in which Mama seeks refuge in a bottle

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bipolar disorder, family, friends, life, limits, love, moods, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress, work

No you freaks, not THAT kind of bottle, an antibiotic pill bottle!

In all fairness, I have no idea if it’s the pills or the cream, or if that poor little alien baby cyst was just ready to be born, but it ruptured of it’s own accord last night while I slept and HOLY FUCKING SQUIRRELS ON A WATERSLIDE do I feel better now. My sheets, my beautiful pale aqua sheets, those might never recover…

But yes, I’m feeling better today. It’s still not superawesomefuntimegreat yet, but I can walk without looking like I’m trying to smuggle something unpleasant in my slacks, and the best part is that I actually slept last night.

Sleep is such a beautiful thing, don’t you agree?

Anyway, work today was fine. I managed to make some good progress on things. I’ve got a fuckton of stuff to do around the house this weekend, which means I’ll need to start this evening. Thinking it’s time to make a list. The little fridge-sized white board I got is good, but it’s not going to be adequate for this monster.

Thanks to all of you who have offered such kind words and all the hugs here lately. Y’all are my family, too, and you mean a lot to me. I’ll try to be back to my sarcastic-yet-sunny self soon.

I got nothin’

Tags

anxiety, limits, sick, skin conditions, stress

In public, where people can see me, I put on that front. You know, the one where you refuse to acknowledge what an utter fucking mess you are because all of a sudden you not only don’t have it all together but you’re not really even sure what “all” refers to anymore because there is such a shit storm of pain and garbage and ick swirling around inside your head that you can’t even pick out individual pieces of words let alone string together one whole coherent sentence. I’m wearing it like a mask right now, a Mama-shaped mask.

I feel like Little Girl Lost. It hurts and so I move and then it hurts more and then it settles and then it settles too long and it hurts again. It’s infected, good gawd almighty is it infected. I called the GP and she called out an antibiotic, both a pill and a topical application. Josh has gone to get them. I’m not sure if they’ll help. I actually hold no tangible hope that they stand a chance in hell of helping. But this is quite possibly enough infection close enough to a major artery that to ignore the situation would be passive suicide.

And regardless of how this monstrous alien fucking growth is making me feel right now, today is not a good day to die.

The only thing this old broad really knows how to do is give it all I’ve got. So please excuse me if I’m a little bitchier than usual. It’s just no fucking fun walking around looking like you’ve gang-banged the entire circus.

are we there yet???

Tags

anxiety, family, friends, life, limits, meds, moods, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, skin conditions, stress, work

Terrible, yes, that’s it – TERRIBLE. That’s exactly what today was. Only…

I taught my class this morning and even though I only had 2 people show up, it went well. They both said they got something out of it and quite enjoyed it. I only wish the computer wouldn’t have insisted on fucking things up for me.

Rotten little bastard!

I found out that the homework assignment for this week, that I had thought last night was significantly worse that I’d anticipated, was a mistake. We can still do those exercises for extra credit – praise the almighty Ceiling Cat! – but now we’re supposed to take a quiz instead. Nice.

Farmer Farthing had said if I could put a purple version of my Celtic Green Man up on Redbubble big enough that she could get a print of it, she would. And I did, and then she did. And really, he’s quite lovely.

YAY! My first sale! I’m all like official and junk.

I’ve been doing really good with some of my goals for this week, but not all of them. And really, that’s just fine. Given the amount of stress, and PAIN, I have right now I’m really pretty proud of myself that I’ve made it to work every day. Tomorrow I should have my Cartoon Craziness Challenge picture ready to post, and I must say, he’s turning out lovely.

So, the bad part of today…

I can’t recall a time in my entire life that I have ever been in this much pain. These monstrosities have invaded and doing damn near anything hurts like hell. Wearing pants is bad, but not wearing pants is worse – same with underwear. Sitting is bad, but standing is often worse. Getting in and out of the jeep is about enough to make me cry. And Josh has confirmed that I’ve got what is almost certainly a mass of infection in my left leg.

I’m going to try to get through the next few days without resorting to a trip to the GP or, worse, the emergency room. I’d really just as soon have an expert working on this, and I know from experience that it’s entirely possible for the infections to clear on their own provided you don’t go fucking about with the sores. Things are so terribly tender right now that just having Josh touch the area to see if it was warm was enough to make me cry out.

I’m going to see if one of my headache tablets will help with this at all, though I’m not that hopeful. I figure it can’t hurt. I have the evening mostly to myself since Josh is at school and Mom is babysitting my sister. She had her boobs redone today and I guess since that’s such a shitty decision in the first place, they don’t want her left alone in case she decides to make more shitty decisions.

annoyed

Tags

anxiety, Evie Cat, life, mental health, mental illness, motivation, school, skin conditions, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

I’ve been wearing that look ^ most of the day. Here’s my whiny ass list of excuses…

• I’m exhausted. Josh got home late and accidentally woke me up at 12:30am on his way back from a snack raid.
• I hurt. Evidently since my brain knows I have a dermatologist appointment scheduled my body has decided to put production of “shitty ouchie things” into high gear. They’re spreading into Very Unpleasant places. Can’t even adjust my undies without making myself wince.
• Hurting and being otherwise generally miserable is making me crave comfort food (read:  M&Ms, ice cream, peanut butter – and really, all 3 at once would be just SUPER) which is making me wildly embarrassed about how much garbage is going in my mouth so I’m not tracking it all. Because I suck.
• I have homework to do. Josh is doing his homework tonight because it’s the only time he has. I should do mine, too. BUT I DON’T WANNA!!!
• We had potstickers and eggrolls for dinner, which is two foods that contain cabbage. I love cabbage. You really don’t want to be within a 10 mile radius of me when I eat cabbage. Oh well, I never really liked Evie Cat anyway.

On the plus side…

• Last night I uploaded larger images of the stuff I have in my Redbubble store so that they’re available on a larger selection of shit. Please, go buy something.
• I have very little homework this week. The prof is traveling this week and I guess since she’ll be behind in grading, we don’t have much of anything to do. That applies to next week as well. The real bonus is that I should be able to work ahead.
• I had a nice session with T-Bone this afternoon. Always lovely having a chat with him.
• I figured out where the dermatologist’s office is. It’s on the way from work to where shrinky-poo and T-Bone are. Oh, and it’s right next to a fucking mortuary.
• I got my drawing for the Cartoon Craziness Challenge started the other night and it’s looking decent. At Josh’s insistence I’ve moved into a larger sketch book, and I have to admit, having more room is coming in handy for this one.

And yes, yes I used that phrase as often as possible today. You should try it, it’s fun.

building rome / life worth living OR if at first you don’t succeed…

Oh holy fucking hell, what was that MESS???

If you’re just joining me for the first time, I’ve got a list of 10 Major Goals I want to accomplish before I turn 40 in 2016. That’s what I refer to as my Life Worth Living; it’s a DBT thing. If you don’t want to stay stuck where you’ve been in life, you have to figure out where you want to go and what it would take to truly make your life worth living.

To get there, I’m using the Building Rome setup from Green Embers to break those major goals into smaller, more manageable pieces that I tackle on a weekly basis. Every week I do a Creative, Stress Management, Health, Financial, and School goal that tie back to my personal Building a Life Worth Living project.

Last week was not good, not at all. I had too much stress, too many issues with my body, and I just plain wasn’t in a decent mood. But I did make some progress, so YAY.

I would strongly encourage anyone who wants a little boost in helping achieve goals to join Green Embers and the rest of the Building Rome crew as we reach for the stars.

Update from last week:

Creative – Brainstorm ideas for my “big creative project” goal and try to settle on one so that I can start planning.

Brainstorming is done, just need to make my selection. The candidates are:

• silversmithing
• knit a dragon stole
• Fair Isle knitting
• write a book
• sew decorative pillows for the bed
• learn to make lampwork beads
• make a painting
• learn to draw Celtic knotwork
• make a glass painting of my Green Man
• sew a garment I can wear to work
• learn leathercraft
• reupholster the gold chair
• make a needle felted cat (I have a kit for this)

Stress Management – Walk on the treadmill at least 15 minutes on Monday and Wednesday before dinner.

I walked on Monday but not Wednesday. I wanted to walk another evening, but my schedule was fucked and then my legs got bad again, so it just didn’t happen. But once is better than not at all.

Health – Keep up with the shower/brushing & flossing teeth, and tracking food via the app. Work to keep my number of calories for the day at or under my recommended limit, which means making smarter food/drink choices.

My teeth are looking AMAZING. I’m brushing twice a day and flossing at night. My next step with that is to floss in the morning as well. I didn’t do near as well with the food tracking. Stress during the day apparently does still influence my choices and then I feel ashamed.

Financial – Don’t spend money except for Rxs or necessary groceries.

When there’s nothing to spend, it’s much easier.

School – Turn assignments in early. Make a plan for working ahead again.

Done and done. And, for the record, I cannot wait to be entirely done with this fucking class.

Bonus Goal – The theme for this week is Love, so I’m going to see if I can’t find a way to spread a little extra love to those around me.

WOW, did I totally suck at this! I was grumpy and sarcastic and just generally shitty pretty much all week. All I can say in my defense is that I started the week with good intentions.

This weeks goals will be:

Creative – Finish that damn towel! And I need to work up a schedule for the “one knit/crochet project a month” bit. The list of candidates for that looks like this:

1. vintage hand towel
2. cabled socks
3. basic socks for Mom
4. Fargyle socks
5. long sleeved sweater
6. cabled mitts – my pattern
7. shrug – use my pattern?
8. entrelac something – ???
9. filet piece to be framed – squirrel w/acorn
10. filet rose doily
11. stuffed squirrel – knit
12. amigurumi love bugs – for the girls for V day
13. mini monkeys
14. crocheted flowers
15. crocheted Hobbes (from Calvin and Hobbes)
16. crocheted Minions (from Despicable Me)
17. crocheted tea light roses
18. knit dragonflies
19. knit friendship roses
20. knit catnip mice
21. knit Deathflake
22. knit vest

I have yarn and patterns picked out already for 90% of these. And in case anyone is wondering, yes, it is entirely possible for me to knit a sweater in a month’s time. The longest it’s ever taken for me is 9 days. For some reason there’s more motivation to finish a sweater than a goddamn towel.

Stress Management – Given the state of my legs, I’m going to hold off on the treadmill for a bit. Instead, I’m going to see if I can get my reading for pleasure time in. I’m aiming for at least two nights, 30 minutes each time.

I wouldn’t normally do an either/or goal, but this week I’m going to. If I don’t feel like reading, I can sketch or do something in one of my coloring books. I really just need to spend at least 30 minutes unwinding without electronics before I go to bed.

So actually, doing both the reading AND the sketching every night would be the ideal situation.

Health – Keep up with the shower/brushing & flossing teeth, and tracking food via the app. Work to keep my number of calories for the day at or under my recommended limit, which means making smarter food/drink choices. This has got to happen!

Financial – We’re planning a trip north in October, so I need to start figuring out how to take care of the bills that are going to start coming in and have some spending money. I believe a plan is in order.

School – Work ahead again. The only way I’m going to get through this alive is to stay a step ahead of her.

a bit of an update

Tags

anxiety, Evie Cat, family, friends, kids, life, limits, love, mental illness, moods, motivation, school, skin conditions, stress

This is Josh’s weekend to have his daughter. She’s a good kid, but she’s 11, and she likes to talk. No, wait, what I meant to say is that the only time she fucking shuts up is when there’s food in her mouth or when she’s sleeping. It’s killing me. And she told me yesterday that she likes hanging out with me more than her dad because I talk to her (more like listen appropriately) and I’m not always messing with my phone.

So anyway, I managed to get my homework done finally and we got some of the stuff done around the house. To his credit, Josh cooked lunch and dinner yesterday with only a little bit of help. And the help was only because he isn’t as confident of his cooking skills as he probably should be. He’s a good cook.

Mom and the kid and I ran some errands in the afternoon, and after we got home I knew that I made the right decision about not going to see Phantom. We were gone for about 2 hours total and my legs were killing me. They actually started draining so bad that Mom could see the gunk on my pants. Nice.

 

And now I think it’s time to revisit something I haven’t done in awhile…

This week I was thankful for:

• Mom encouraging me to see her doctor who is way more amazing than the doctor I normally see. I finally got the referral I needed for a dermatologist.
• Mom and Josh putting up with me mostly being a whiny little bitch.
• F being completely understanding when I bailed on the Phantom trip. She is truly a BFF.
• Evie Cat letting me train her to beg for treats.
• Y’all leaving me such nice comments. That really helped cheer me up.
• Mom making me watch Dancing with the Stars with her Monday night after I had my meltdown about the “failed” assignment. I got to see Tommy Chong in a green pimp suit dance to Drop it Like It’s Hot. Priceless.

late night musings

Tags

Evie Cat, life, limits, moods, school, skin conditions, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

Ok, so it’s only really late for me. I’m old, I know. Shut up.

I should already be snuggled up in bed with Evie Cat, but I’m not in a very good mood, so I’m trying to get a little more tired without my meds first.

I managed to get an appointment with the dermatologist. I’d have liked to see her sooner, but I already had other appointments when she had openings. So I’ll have to wait until the 29th. I’m actually kind of nervous about this and ended up asking Josh to go with me.  I am way more than capable of seeing a doctor, even a dermatologist who might want to shave pieces off me with nothing to deaden the nerves, all by myself. But, there was talk of surgery yesterday and that just kind of freaks me out a bit.

Anyway, been dealing with that, which is good but scary, and been trying to deal with this fucking school business. And I think what I hate most is that I have allowed this bitch prof to get inside my head and make me feel like I can’t do this. BULLSHIT. Her “teaching style” sucks donkey balls. I’ll say it again, she’s got no business in a classroom and really no business being online. I actually ran into one of my classmates on campus the other day and she’s also a grad student and also having issues with this idiot.

I redid the thing I didn’t do right, now I just have the chapter in the book to read, 3 written assignments (worksheets from hell), and 2 discussion board replies. Which begs the question – precisely how late should I stay up tonight?

shitty options are still options, right?

Tags

anxiety, friends, goals, limits, mental illness, moods, school, skin conditions, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

Well, something like that.

After I posted this morning I tried to just suck it up and get shit done. And for the most part that’s precisely what I did. I finished what I needed for a new class next week, and I’m actually really proud of what I’ve produced. So yay for that.

Tonight I went and saw a GP. My skin is driving me around the bend and it’s doing new unpleasant things. I wanted answers this time, real fucking answers instead of just being told that I’m fat.

The new unpleasant thing is actually no big deal. There’s a cream waiting at the pharmacy that will clear that bit up within a few weeks. She had no idea about the nasty bruise that sprung up, but said not to worry. And she talked to me about options for those rotten little cyst things.

My next step is to make an appointment with a dermatologist, one she says is delightful and compassionate and thorough. She outlined the three treatments that are typically used for this (that the previous lame excuse for a dermatologist neglected to mention at all) and quite honestly, they all kind of scare the hell out of me.

But this was one of my goals. I wanted to find out what could be done, and I’m doing that. So yay for that as well.

I need to talk more to Josh and Mom and get their input. The good thing is that if this dermatologist is as amazing as advertised, Josh can get help, too. And this should be covered by our insurance.

Right now I just mostly feel overwhelmed. There’s a lot to do for school yet this week and I’ve got a meeting to train people to do web stuff in the morning and then a training session for the help desk kids in the afternoon. I’ve pretty well decided that I just can’t go to see Phantom this weekend with F because there’s too much to do and I’m fried. And that sucks.