I should really stop thinking it can’t get any worse

Tags

anxiety, depression, divorce, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, money, moods, motivation, sick, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

I am so fucking done with this shit, honestly. I’ve got a project that needs to be done for work by Monday and there’s no way I’m going to get it done before I leave at 3. I can’t fucking concentrate for shit. I finally got in touch with the claims guy and he says they should be able to fix it, he doesn’t know for sure because they still haven’t done the full tear down of the front end yet, but his estimate so far is only about $2300. HOWEVER, best case scenario is that it will be ready on November 10th.

NOVEMBER FUCKING TENTH

All Josh has to say is that he’s sorry. SORRY. Yeah, I bet you’re sorry motherfucker. He isn’t the one who’s been inconvenienced pretty well constantly through this whole ordeal. He still gets to drive a vehicle he can smoke in. He isn’t dealing with the near crippling stress from all of this bullshit. He hasn’t had the fucking shits every goddamn morning for two weeks. And he sure as hell isn’t the one worried the money right now.

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happy halloween

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life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, random shit that falls out of my brain, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

Ok, guess we need an update…

I still haven’t heard about the Honda. I have every intention of calling today because I haven’t heard shit since Wednesday and that just isn’t right.

Went with Josh yesterday to see the new doc. He is just like T-Bone described him – a smaller version of himself but with a prescription pad. He’s keeping Josh on the same meds, same doses for now. J goes back in a month. We were there for 2 1/2 hours. The man is nothing if not thorough. And, this is cool, shrinky-poo was his resident way back in the day.

One of my “frequent flyer” faculty members is at it again. She’s got 25 different holding tanks on my server all for the exact same fucking class. Not cool. And I can’t get her to understand why it’s not cool. So when I sent my latest reply to her allegations that I don’t know what I’m doing I CC’d our executive director, who also happens to be a service owner for that box. But it’s annoying to say the least.

The larger size black boots came last night. They’re still too small. I’m still pretty pissed. At Josh’s insistence I’m trying one more pair.

Tomorrow I’m starting the Nano Poblano stuff. I’ve been trying to think of what all I should write about. There seem to be no end of places to get prompts from, I’m just not sure where to get enough time from. Week days should be no problem, I almost always blog every day during the week. It’s the week ends I’m concerned about. But I’m sure I’ll find a way.

I’m wearing the lamest Halloween costume ever. I have on an orange t-shirt with a pumpkin face and black socks with glow in the dark bats. I am “Lazy College Student.” Cut me some slack, at least I’m trying.

that’s me in the corner, whimpering

Tags

anxiety, depression, family, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, money, moods, motivation, school, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

I’ve kind of just shut down at this point. There’s too much going on and I can’t handle the unreasonable amount of shit being heaped on me. I don’t often feel this way but right now, I surrender.

YOU HEAR THAT UNIVERSE? I FUCKING SURRENDER!!!

My jeep needed a new starter. That and the tow came to $450.

Josh’s guitar came last night. He has no real clue what he’s doing, he had already taken his meds, and the thing he ordered so he can plug headphones directly into it hasn’t come yet. My ears felt like they were bleeding by the end of the night.

I redid my homework but I’m entirely confused. She had us submit it twice and told me in one place that it was great but in another place she said it didn’t really fit her entirely contrived situation. I’m probably fucked.

My milk spoiled yesterday because of the illegal alien chicken in my fridge. No milk makes it hard for me to have breakfast. I forgot to bring a replacement half gallon this morning.

I’m totally just not in the mood for all of this shit right now. AND, we get the kid this weekend. I can’t even imagine what kind of awesome that’s going to be.

I apologize for whining about all of my suburban white girl first world problems. I’ll be over myself and back to my usual shiny sarcastic self tomorrow.

please, make it stop

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family, life, limits, love, money, moods, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

That’s really how I feel right now. Like all of my bits and pieces are disjointed. It SUCKS.

I managed to get bits of work done today, but not like I had wanted to. That really disappointed me, especially since tomorrow I’m leaving at noon to go with Josh to see a new psych doc. And I had forgotten that I was spending the afternoon at the remote office so I wasn’t at all prepared.

When Josh took his afternoon break he sent me a text saying that the jeep, MY jeep, wouldn’t start. He was sure it was just the battery and he still had the jumper cables in the back from when we took the road trip. No sweat, one of the fellas at the plant would give him a jump start and maybe we’d end up needing a new battery. Fifty bucks, TOPS.

So… it’s been towed to the mechanic’s shop to see what’s really wrong.

I didn’t get my walk in tonight, I didn’t have a chance to fix my homework, I didn’t get to do any of the shit I’d normally do on a Wednesday night because HE has been here.

I. Cannot. Fucking. Win.

you tell me

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work, you can't fix stupid

I’m listening to Dropkick Murphys and contemplating homicide. I think this is the start of a FUCKING PHENOMENAL day, what do you think?

There’s an officially official thingy at work today that doesn’t start until 4pm (when I’m supposed to go home!) that my boss is insisting I attend. Since all of the high muckity-mucks will be there I figured I should dress like a big kid and maybe wear our school colors to show some spirit or something. Our colors are red, black, and white – cuz we are totally fucking original. Whee. Anyway, I have a bitchin’ pair of red rose socks that I thought would be a great addition to the ensemble. Except my little black Mary Jane Skechers don’t fit anymore.

I am 38 years old and evidently my feet are still fucking growing. So, no cute black shoes for me today. I contemplating wearing clogs, but my black clogs are pretty fucking ragged looking. And of course the black boots which may or may not fit still haven’t arrived. I’m not sure if this really works or not, but it’s the best I could do.

I am SO fucking classy, no? NO. Moving on…

I got part way to work and realized that my tea bottle, which is really an old 64 oz juice bottle I’ve recycled, is still sitting in the drain rack in the kitchen. Stopped at the convenience store to get something to drink today and got to have a conversation with the clerk about dragonflies having sex in midair. That was swell.

I got to work and went to put away my tea and my breakfast/lunch bits in my personal office fridge (as in it was a Christmas gift from my folks for ME and it lives in MY office) and there’s NO ROOM because someone has put a gigantic fucking bowl of leftover fried chicken in there. (apparently this is the portion of the program where I sound like a spoiled brat) Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind letting folks stash stuff in there now and again, but I had to play fucking Tetris just to get my stuff in there and I couldn’t even get it all.

So my morning is not really off to a swell start. My boss and one of my co-workers are out at a conference and I’m supposed to be taking care of some shit, but of course no one has bothered to give me all the details and I’m not even sure who to get them from. And the work just keeps coming…

I called and left a message with the Grad Studies people yesterday about my degree shit and it turns out that the person I need to talk to is an old knitting buddy. Well, she’s not sure she’s the person, but she’s going to help me. She’s thinking we’ll have to get approval from the Cunty Prof. (new name, you like?)

I’m really just thinking I should set out an anxiety pill now so that I take it this afternoon. I haven’t taken the afternoon dose in ages, but I think today I just might benefit from more meds.

like I need another reason to prattle on

Tags

nano poblano, team pepper

Nano Poblano here I come, baby!

I’ve had a couple of folks ask me if I was doing this and I figured, eh, what the fuck, might as well. It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do.

insomnia, party of one

Tags

bipolar disorder, knitting, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, random shit that falls out of my brain, skin conditions, sleep, stress

Sorry kids, I’ve been awake – WIDE AWAKE – since 3:30am. I laid there for awhile and tried to go back to sleep but my brain was having no fucking part of it. So I got to business.

I started and finished one of the knitting projects for a care package. I made myself a to do list for the rest of the week. And I’ve started thinking about what my goals should be for next week.

That damn brain of mine just won’t shut the fuck up sometimes.

Anyway, I saw the dermatologist yesterday. When I got to her office there was not a single fucking parking spot left. Can you say “pissed off?” And she was running late again. But since I was running late because of the parking spot fiasco I left my bag of knitting in the jeep. Fortunately she wasn’t running too late. She looked at my legs and asked me about my new routine and said that I’m making good progress. For now we aren’t going to change anything, except she’s encouraging me to get back on the treadmill. (I asked about it) And before I left I scheduled a follow up appointment for December. So yay.

Back to this morning…

When I got to the office I started working on tearing the place apart again. For some reason (re:  broken brain) I’ve decided I don’t like how it looks. So I’m jacking with the lighting and with the placement of decorative bits and I’m removing some bits, you know, crazy shit like that. Sadly I am in the hinterlands all day today and only had a short bit to work on it. Hopefully tomorrow I can finish my grand plan. Of course that means I’ll have to devise a grand plan…

building rome / life worth living weekly update

Tags

building rome, goals

If you’re just joining me for the first time, I’ve got a list of 10 Major Goals I want to accomplish before I turn 40 in 2016. That’s what I refer to as my Life Worth Living; it’s a DBT thing. If you don’t want to stay stuck where you’ve been in life, you have to figure out where you want to go and what it would take to truly make your life worth living.

To get there, I’m using the Building Rome setup from Green Embers to break those major goals into smaller, more manageable pieces that I tackle on a weekly basis. Every week I do a Creative, Stress Management, Health, Financial, and School goal that tie back to my personal Building a Life Worth Living project.

I would strongly encourage anyone who wants a little boost in helping achieve goals to join Green Embers and the rest of the Building Rome crew as we reach for the stars.

Update from last week:

Creative – I still have some of my Christmas money from Mom left and I have the day off work today, so I’m going to the bead store. I got a book on our trip about making wire jewelry and I had found a pattern on Pinterest for making rings a bit ago so I really want to go get the supplies I need for that. I did make it to the bead store and then made an assload of jewelry, including the ring I mentioned. I wasn’t able to find a proper ring mandrel so I had to kind of cheat that part which means to make a ring a certain size I have to have one that fits the finger I’m making the new ring for and then see where it fits on the jig I got.

Stress Management – I need to get on top of the chaos that’s crept back in lately, both at home and at work. I tried to do some of that before we left on Friday, but it seems like I always kind of let my stuff explode when I get home from a trip. That’s a huge part of why I’m home today. I need to make a concerted effort to get myself organized again. This is going to include getting my ass in gear and working on those care packages. YES!!! For the most part I was able to get the chaos under control by Wednesday. Yesterday we got completely caught up on housework and even did some extra bits to help with the organization and whatnot. And the care packages got some much needed love.

Health – Time to get back into the full hygiene routine.

• Brush and floss 2x/day
• Shower every day
• Use special soap stuff at least once a week

Well, mostly I did this. I did take a shower every day and I did use the Hibiclens. What I was not so great about was the brushing and flossing.

Financial – I need to look at numbers this week. I’m really concerned that the Honda is going to be totaled, so that means buying a car again. Hopefully I’ll get enough out of it to pay off the balance of the loan. I won’t really know anything for several days yet. The claims adjuster is coming this afternoon to look at it. Anyway, I need to be prepared. I now know what the payoff amount is and I have an idea of what the blue book value is likely to be. Fortunately, the blue book is not quite twice the payoff. I’m hoping to know more about the whole car mess later today or tomorrow.

School – I want to get my homework done today if possible. There are only 2 discussion posts to do, and some replies that can’t be done until other people post, so that shouldn’t be too bad. If I can, I want to try to work ahead. We won’t have Josh’s daughter here for a visit until November 1, but that week is going to suck for homework. I didn’t get my homework done last Monday, but it did all get done on time and I was able to work ahead. There’s only really one piece that I could do early for this week and that’s taken care of. Now I just sit back and wait.

Goals for this week:

Creative – There’s some knitting to be done for the care packages and I’d like to get all of that done this week. Earlier this morning I scanned the dragonfly and lotus blossom I sketched awhile back so now I just need to manipulate the image and hopefully upload it to Redbubble. I also really need to get back to sketching.

Stress Management – I’d really like to get back on the treadmill because that helps a ton with my sleep. Provided everything goes alright at the dermatologist’s this afternoon and I can find a pair of pants that don’t rub funny, I’m going to try walking at least two nights this week for at least 15 minutes each time.

Health – I will figure out how to brush AND floss twice a day this week if it fucking kills me!!!

Financial – Friday is payday so I need to sit down and get the money for the month worked out.

School – I need to apply for the other certificate I’m going to be working on and apply for the actual Master’s degree. I’m really leaning towards doing a creative non-fiction course in the spring and I want to make sure it counts.

I will likely be spamming you today and you will likely love the hell out of it

Tags

life, love, motivation, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

That has nothing to do with anything, but it’s funny as fuck. You’re welcome.

We did actually get every single thing I wanted us to done yesterday. That may well be a first. I don’t know, but it definitely felt GOOD. All of the chores, all of the errands, some re-organization because of the trip, all of our homework… Every last fucking bit of that shit got DONE.

I even managed to kind of get ahead with my homework for the week. Well, I would be ahead if that cunt of a prof would open up the discussion board so I could post this shit. Whatevs, I’m ready when she does. I have my little response all typed up and I’ll just have to copy and paste.

I have a Building Rome post all ready to go, but it seems that our friend Green Embers is MIA right now. I’ll put it out as soon as I can put in the right link.

Anyway, it should be an interesting day. Lord knows I’m ready for it. I’ve got stuff to do – asses to kick and names to take. YEEHAW!

help a brother out

Tags

art, up and coming artists

That video/drawing was done by the older brother of one of the young men Josh works with. He’s pretty fucking talented if you ask me.

I’ll be back later with a slightly more robust post…