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I’m 39 years old and I’m on husband #3. Sadly, none of them are below ground yet, at least I don’t think so. No really, the only one who deserves that is Michael. He was an asshole and then some.

1545048_273432496162232_4387054602328838715_nI honestly don’t remember. It was a very long time ago now. We married when I was 18 and signed the divorce papers on my 21st birthday. Good riddance.

skull-danger-cross-bones-2-1-1My second was Rob. We married when I was 22 and stopped living together when I was 32. Our divorce was final when I was 34, if memory serves. He was a good guy. He took care of me and helped me hide my massive mental issues from the world. I was just a total fucking train wreck.

bitchOh sweet jesus, was I ever. I cheated on him – twice. I got us close to $50k in debt – just with shopping. I was as terrible a woman as you can get. But he got back at me. Anyway, then I moved on to Josh.

We met when I was 34 and married when I was 35.

2014-07-04 20.55.29What a catch…

983707_684201938317581_2383926700384212443_nHe’s not every gal’s cup of tea, but he suits my taste just fine. Most of the time.

10459887_277673525738129_7375711357447174427_nActually it’s usually me doing the farting, but he doesn’t seem to care. That’s part of a healthy relationship – pick your battles. If the farting doesn’t bother you, awesome, make a stand on something else, like being alcoholic.

2014-07-04 00.31.50Ice cream always helps, ALWAYS. Although honestly, show up earlier than that, for fuck sake – I’m asleep at 3am.

10294284_10152556303019523_4289388473332799404_nIf you really want Mama’s advice, here it is…

Do NOT marry the one you can live with. There are lots of fools I could live with if I had to. Marry the one you CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT. Think about it for a minute – who is that one person that feels like so much a part of your soul that you wouldn’t know what to do without them? That person you think of when you first wake up and the last one you think about before falling asleep? THAT is the person you should marry.

And that’s what has saved Josh’s sorry ass on numerous occasions – I still can’t completely imagine what my life would look like, for better or for worse, without him in it. I’m kind of an idiot, what can I say?