Tags
anxiety, becoming me, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, divorce, family, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, sick, sleep, stress, taking back control of my life, the world is full of fucking idiots
No matter how many times you try to polish it, a turd is still just a turd. Oddly enough, it’s taken me more than 5 years to realize this. Probably more than that in all honesty, but 5 years for this particular instance.
I’m really mostly a kind, gentle soul that doesn’t like hurting anyone for any reason. As T-bone described it earlier, beneath my hard as nails exterior is a gooey marshmallow center. That is totally true, most of the time.
But we all have our limits and I’ve reached mine.
This blog wasn’t around when Josh and I started dating, which is really a good thing. There was a blog, under a different name, and it’s since been deleted. By me. I was just coming out of the worst stretch of my life in regards to my mental health and I was a little bit beyond batshit crazy.
But I did a year of DBT, I went through even more therapy after that, kept taking my meds like a good kid, and doing all the stuff the doc said to do. And because of all that hard work and the support of some amazing folks, I haven’t seen the inside of an ambulance, an ICU, or a psych ward since February 2010. Totally proud of that.
Since that time I’ve finished a Master’s degree, started and finished a graduate certificate (got a 4.0GPA on it, too), taught myself to knit sweaters and socks, learned to draw, and I’ve been ridiculously stable.
None of that actually has a fucking thing to do with Josh. Not a bit. In that same span of time he finally quit drinking every night, enrolled in some classes at the community college where he is doing the bare minimum to get by, and has maybe quit smoking. Possibly. But according to him everything good that happens is because of him and everything shitty is because of me. It’s a pretty typical mess one encounters with a pending divorce.
Fights between two people who have mental illnesses like we do and are also incredibly fucking stubborn are just nuts. We try to out-stubborn the other, we say truly shitty things, and there is not an iota of tenderness. It’s all out warfare and I’m sick of it.
I’m taking the blame for it because that seems the easiest way to just shut him the hell up. I’ve already taken some steps to take control of my life, something I haven’t entirely had in a very long time, like maybe ever. I’m reclaiming my preferred persona everywhere I can. So I will likely be making some massive overhauls here and in all areas of my life, and I might be away for a few days. Thank you for the love and support you’ve shown me, recently and always. Y’all mean oodles to me.
garym6059 said:
Congratulations on the progress, sorry about the spat.
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Mental Mama said:
Thanks. This has been going on in some form or fashion the entire time we’ve been together. I used to figure that as long as there were longer stretches of good than bad that it all balanced. These days there is no balance.
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Daydreams said:
It sucks that you’re going through this, but I’m glad you realize this is not your fault. Us depressed nuts tend to blame everything on ourselves. You have my support, overhaul or not. Here or away. I disappear at times but I care about so many of you, because you’ve all helped me too. Xoxox
Don’t ever let anyone make you feel less.
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Mental Mama said:
This one, of all the relationships I’ve ever had, is definitely not my fault. But it’s easier to let him think that than to keep arguing with him. He’s a small child most times. And thank you. ❤
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Daydreams said:
Relationships can really suck. Especially when they reach the tipping point between sucking & “I’ve had enough”
Sigh. *hug*
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JackieP said:
I’m here for you Erin, anytime. I’m so sorry you are going through this, but as you stated, you are taking control of your life. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. I know, been there, did it and never again. Big hugs girl. You need anything let me know and if I can do it, I will.
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Mental Mama said:
Thanks. We went round and round for close to two hours. I refused to budge. And I told him he needs to find a place to stay tonight as I am NOT sleeping with him in this house. He’s finding out right now just how many bridges he’s burned in the past. No one is willing to take him in.
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JackieP said:
Oh oh….hang in there.
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Merbear74 said:
Sorry you are going through this right now. *hugs*
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Mental Mama said:
Thanks sweetie. It is definitely the suck.
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lunatique77 said:
You are standing up for yourself, keep doing it! Hope the shitty times turn into a good result!
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Mental Mama said:
Thanks, I hope so too. Right now I’m faced with the task of rebuilding. It’s exciting and frightening as hell, both at the same time.
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insearchofitall said:
You will be very surprised at how much energy you have when someone isn’t sucking the life out of you. I had to be treated for PTSD after the last husband. Lots of Gaba to rebuild the adrenals. Be prepared for that rebound feeling after the sucking stops. I sent the last one all the love I had to give and let him go with love. It made the whole thing so much more peaceful. It took him years to figure out what hit him and still hasn’t figure out why. You owe it to yourself and what gave you life to live it fully and joyfully. It’s so much easier when someone isn’t dragging you in the mud. Go without guilt.
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Mental Mama said:
I tried explaining to him that it’s entirely possible to love someone but not be able to live with them but I’m not sure he gets it yet. I don’t really wish him ill, I just wish him out of my life. So I’m doing everything within reason to be as decent to him through this as possible. But I’ve got to get on with my life.
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Chris Dean said:
I’m so sorry sweetie. Whichever direction you’re heading, I’m sending all the happy, peaceful vibes I can muster your way. *hugs*
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Mental Mama said:
Thanks honey, y’all are the best for being so supportive. ❤
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Rhio said:
Hey lovely, sorry I’m late reading this.
I hope you soon find your relief, believe me, it will come.
Love and hugs xx
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Mental Mama said:
No worries, I haven’t been on the internet much the last few days. The relief started Friday morning when I woke up and realized that I am finally the master of my own domain/life. Thank you for being so supportive, y’all are making this suck less for me. ❤
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