creating myself

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I’m not going to lie and say that this process I’m going through has been entirely easy. There’s been one hell of a lot of hard work getting the traces of him out of here so that I could start building my nest. It’s been a little difficult for me to get used to being able to make my own decisions again. But I haven’t had a single doubt that I did, and am doing, the right thing.

I chose the day I did because I knew that he would have a long weekend to try to start finding a place to stay, get some things, arrange transportation. That same span of time allowed me and Mom to do the overhaul in my living space. And now I have my week off work to get my sleep schedule back under control.

The first night I have no clue how I slept, other than like shit. Since then I’ve been having my Fitbit track my sleep. The second and third nights weren’t great either, and I was starting to get worried. Too many nights with no sleep can spell utter disaster for someone with Bipolar. Lack of sleep isn’t always a symptom of mania, it can also be a trigger. And I fucking HATE being manic.

But, praise the Almighty Ceiling Cat, I slept for 7 hours and 20 minutes last night.

hCCA5D34ESo I think I’m going to be really alright. I’m finishing one of the last little projects I wanted to get done this morning. Yesterday Mom and I took my nieces to a natural history museum and hung out with some dinosaur bones, which they thought was super cool. And today we’re doing crafts. So yeah, I’m doing better. Loads better. Thanks for all the support kids, y’all rock.

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life worth living weekly update – July 6th

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reach for the starsIf you’re just joining me for the first time, I’ve got a list of 10 Major Goals I want to accomplish before I turn 40 in 2016. That’s what I refer to as my Life Worth Living; it’s a DBT thing. If you don’t want to stay stuck where you’ve been in life, you have to figure out where you want to go and what it would take to truly make your life worth living.

Every week I do a Creative, Stress Management, Health, and Financial goal that tie back to my Building a Life Worth Living project. I’ve also added a Simplifying goal that ties into my plan to declutter my life this year. Bit by bit I’m reaching for the stars.

Update from last week:

It definitely wasn’t the week I thought I’d have, but it was pretty fucking awesome.

Creative:  I want to finish the knit shrug. No, but I did work on it.

Stress Management:  I really REALLY need to get back on the treadmill. I didn’t do this, but I’ve been pretty damn active the last few days.

Health: Skin again. For some reason my hands are just trashed. I sort of did this but not as well as I should have.

Financial:  Pay day is tomorrow, time to get serious. It’s amazing how much more money I have available now that I’m truly only paying MY bills.

Simplify:  ??? Not sure about this one this week. I got rid of a TON of stuff. I loaded the Jeep full 3 times with stuff we took to Goodwill.

 

flower dividerGoals for this week:

Creative:  I want to finish the knit shrug. Trying this one again.

Stress Management: I really want to start water aerobics again so I’m going to focus on finding a place. I’m also on vacation this week so I’m going to do my very best to relax.

Health: I got some new vitamins, new shampoo/conditioner, and I’m going to try to find a different moisturizer. I need to just get back into taking care of my physical health.

Financial:  I need to make sure that I can cover what’s left for this month including paying for the divorce paperwork. I’ll be selling the Honda so that’ll help.

Simplify:  I don’t think I really even need this anymore. YAY!

 

who could I be today?

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1L3APHcThis has gone remarkably well, really. There are only a few of Josh’s things left in the house and those are only still here mostly because I’ve run out of room in the garage. I’ve spent the last two days removing his entire presence, including anything that reminded me of him in a way that hurt. I’ve gone to the Goodwill three times (all my stuff that he had been using but was never his) and I’ve cleaned out pretty well everything in my living area. I’ve also been able to rearrange things in a way that feels significant. I have a knitting / reading corner now that’s tucked out of the way but still quite convenient. There’s one piece of furniture left to remove and I’ve got someone coming for it later today.

Progress is a beautiful thing.

2015-03-19 23.02.28Josh never seemed to understand that he had choices, even right up to the end. He continues to be incredibly cruel about all of this. I’m trying not to play that game and Mom is helping immensely. He needed to come get some clean clothes on Friday because he didn’t take really anything with on Thursday. I told him that I would let Mom know he and his dad were coming, he asked if I’d be there, I said I hadn’t planned to because I didn’t want to upset him. His response? “It’s fine.” So I stayed in the house and Mom went and met them in the garage. I have no interest in that passive aggressive bullshit anymore.

She said he was amazed that I had done so much and taken obvious care with his possessions. I had washed all of his dirty laundry, folded everything, put things neatly in hampers or storage bins, anything I could find really. I have no desire to make this any more unpleasant for him that necessary and he just doesn’t seem to get that.

10153936_445097682302521_67855370_nAt any rate, sleeping was almost impossible the first two nights. Last night I decided to have the Fitbit track it for me and I got 5 1/2 hours. I know that’s an improvement. Still not as good as I really need, but an improvement. And I’m still trying to make healthy choices. I haven’t been exercising, per se, but I’ve definitely been active. By moving all of his things to the garage it feels like there’s been a huge emotional purge. The negative energy that surrounded the way he lived here with me is gone. This is truly my space now and I love it.

2015-07-04 13.28.14That’s not quite how it looks this morning, I ended up switching out the lamp for my Ikea star one, but close. That’s the knitting / reading corner. And the fireplace I haven’t been able use since I moved in. There is so much more room down here and the vibe is just totally different. It’s me.

I want to thank all of you for being so supportive through this. Mom and Wendy are keeping a pretty close eye on me to make sure I stay out of trouble, so don’t worry so much about that. The good vibes and prayers everyone has been sending really have helped. I am the strong woman you see before you because all of you are sharing your strength, and I love you for that. ❤

changes

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I slept alone in my bed for the first time in 4 years. I suppose the actual truth is that I laid in bed alone for 5 hours, sleeping a little, for the first time in 4 years. The important thing is that I did it.

Yesterday was HARD. Josh was a significant part of my life for a considerable amount of time so there’s history, and sometimes history is difficult to walk away from. But I stuck to my convictions, spoke my piece, tried my best to fight fair, and defended myself. He showed his true colors and it wasn’t near as hard to put him out as it could have been. In all honesty, I think Evie misses him more than I do.

The rather daunting task ahead of me now is to gather all of his stuff, which doesn’t amount to a whole hell of a lot, so that he can come get it. I didn’t let him have the Honda and I insisted that he not sleep here last night. He didn’t leave until after 10 because he couldn’t find anyone willing to both let him stay the night and come fetch him. Burning bridges is not a wise thing to do.

Anyway, I wanted to let y’all know that I’m alright and that it (finally) went (mostly) according to plan.

what the hell is that smell?

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Polished-TurdNo matter how many times you try to polish it, a turd is still just a turd. Oddly enough, it’s taken me more than 5 years to realize this. Probably more than that in all honesty, but 5 years for this particular instance.

I’m really mostly a kind, gentle soul that doesn’t like hurting anyone for any reason. As T-bone described it earlier, beneath my hard as nails exterior is a gooey marshmallow center. That is totally true, most of the time.

But we all have our limits and I’ve reached mine.

This blog wasn’t around when Josh and I started dating, which is really a good thing. There was a blog, under a different name, and it’s since been deleted. By me. I was just coming out of the worst stretch of my life in regards to my mental health and I was a little bit beyond batshit crazy.

2015-06-21 14.22.58But I did a year of DBT, I went through even more therapy after that, kept taking my meds like a good kid, and doing all the stuff the doc said to do. And because of all that hard work and the support of some amazing folks, I haven’t seen the inside of an ambulance, an ICU, or a psych ward since February 2010. Totally proud of that.

Since that time I’ve finished a Master’s degree, started and finished a graduate certificate (got a 4.0GPA on it, too), taught myself to knit sweaters and socks, learned to draw, and I’ve been ridiculously stable.

None of that actually has a fucking thing to do with Josh. Not a bit. In that same span of time he finally quit drinking every night, enrolled in some classes at the community college where he is doing the bare minimum to get by, and has maybe quit smoking. Possibly. But according to him everything good that happens is because of him and everything shitty is because of me. It’s a pretty typical mess one encounters with a pending divorce.

11150334_747882685324363_2251048074435226942_nFights between two people who have mental illnesses like we do and are also incredibly fucking stubborn are just nuts. We try to out-stubborn the other, we say truly shitty things, and there is not an iota of tenderness. It’s all out warfare and I’m sick of it.

twilicorn_broke_everything__by_blackhole12-d68h8pfI’m taking the blame for it because that seems the easiest way to just shut him the hell up. I’ve already taken some steps to take control of my life, something I haven’t entirely had in a very long time, like maybe ever. I’m reclaiming my preferred persona everywhere I can. So I will likely be making some massive overhauls here and in all areas of my life, and I might be away for a few days. Thank you for the love and support you’ve shown me, recently and always. Y’all mean oodles to me.

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quick picture post

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2015-06-30 11.54.52That’s the black and white vest that plagued me for so long. It’s done and I wore it to work this morning. I was teaching a brand new class, my third of the summer, and wanted a little something to make me feel pretty. You can’t really see it but I also made the necklace and earrings I have on. Hopefully I’ll be back later with a slightly longer post. ❤

life worth living weekly update – June 29th

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reach for the starsIf you’re just joining me for the first time, I’ve got a list of 10 Major Goals I want to accomplish before I turn 40 in 2016. That’s what I refer to as my Life Worth Living; it’s a DBT thing. If you don’t want to stay stuck where you’ve been in life, you have to figure out where you want to go and what it would take to truly make your life worth living.

Every week I do a Creative, Stress Management, Health, and Financial goal that tie back to my Building a Life Worth Living project. I’ve also added a Simplifying goal that ties into my plan to declutter my life this year. Bit by bit I’m reaching for the stars.

Update from last week:

The nicest thing I can say about last week is that it’s over. (I think I said that last week, too.)

Creative:  I need to start, and keep, cranking away at my 28 Day Challenge projects. I FINALLY finished the black and white vest and I did make good progress on the knit shrug.

Stress Management:  Continue walking on the treadmill as often as possible, at least 5 sessions of 25 minutes minimum. Nope. Because of the severe issues with my legs I only managed one time and only for 10 minutes.

Health: Back to working on a healthier diet. Tomorrow morning I’m trying the soaked chia seed breakfast again with some tweaks. I got the chia breakfast thing figured out and it’s amazing. My diet did some up and down things last week but I managed to lose one pound. So yay.

Financial:  I need to look at the budget again, closer, and see where I can make changes. I want to get things paid off. This didn’t happen because of all the medical shit with Josh. I simply didn’t have the energy or inclination.

Simplify:  I actually went through my printed patterns last night and got rid of the ones I knew I wouldn’t ever actually make. I think going through the craft supplies is probably my next stop. I don’t have too much excess of anything, except maybe yarn, but if nothing else it’ll refresh my memory of what I’ve got. I didn’t get rid of anything but I was able to straighten up the yarn storage and figure out what all I’ve got.

28daychallenge

 

The challenge is officially over and I officially did not do well. I’m going to keep plugging away at finishing the other two projects. I’m thinking the next time I do this sort of challenge that it’ll be just a little easier, like maybe not shopping for anything but groceries or something.

flower dividerGoals for this week:

Creative:  I want to finish the knit shrug.

Stress Management:  I really REALLY need to get back on the treadmill.

Health: Skin again. For some reason my hands are just trashed.

Financial:  Pay day is tomorrow, time to get serious.

Simplify:  ??? Not sure about this one this week.

 

so much to tell you

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I’m not really even sure where to begin, which isn’t like me. So let’s see…

I did walk on Friday, only 10 minutes, but still. And my total for the week in terms of weight loss was one pound. I’ll take it.

Josh had the appointment with the cardiologist Friday afternoon. He almost certainly has blockages in his heart and his legs. On Monday he goes in for a scan of his legs and then on Wednesday they’ll do an angiogram. Not sure what they’ll find or when he’ll come home. I honestly don’t think it matters. He isn’t taking any of this seriously and I’ve decided I really don’t care. If he doesn’t love me enough to take care of himself then there’s no point in worrying about any of this.

Mom and I went shopping today, as per our usual Saturday morning fun. We did the big farmer’s market downtown, Kohl’s, Barnes & Noble, and Hallmark. She had some wicked good coupons at Kohl’s and gave them to me so I ended up with a swimming outfit for $1.06. It’s really workout shorts and a tank top that should be alright in the water and will cover the truly unsightly bits on my legs.

This afternoon I got the sewing done on the black and white vest. WOOT! I still need to trim the threads and clean up a few rough edges, but it’s essentially done. I am so fucking excited to see the ass end of that project. The knit shrug is coming along nicely as well, I’m thinking maybe tonight I’ll get to spend a little time with it. Although, maybe not, because…

MENTALTOASTER is a thing! My friend got the URL registered, WordPress is installed, and now we’re working on some final details and what it should look like. My intention is for it to be a positive place where anyone wanting to get or give support on nutritional/health type issues can go, particularly if that person also has mental health issues. I will definitely let y’all know when everything is live and ready to roll.

a proposal of sorts

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I’ve been trying to figure out how we handle this whole need for a support group online stuff. I have a very dear friend who has graciously offered to slice out a little space on her server, setup a wordpress theme on that space, and then act as our hostess. She says she can take care of posting info that folks pass along such as updates on progress, recipes, whatever. It would actually be good for her, keep her out of trouble so to speak. Also, the URL mentaltoaster.com is available and for some reason that strikes me as both hilarious and appropriate.

So, what do y’all think?

the (viscous and entirely rotten) cycle of mental health from the viewpoint of someone with bipolar and borderline

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mental healthWow, doesn’t life just suck some turds sometimes? Honestly, things were going great in my little world and then BAM! All of a sudden I’ve quit smoking, the diet is really changing, and the old man may or may not have a serious heart condition. I feel little like I’ve been handled in a way which is sexually inappropriate and A) not offered adequate lubrication, and B) not been kissed afterwards.

This SUCKS.

And because my stress levels have rocketed through the ever-loving roof, my skin condition is flaring up. And my neck/shoulder muscles are tight again. And this afternoon my irritable bowels decided to be irritable.

Come on man, now this shit REALLY SUCKS.

But it’s like that for those of us living with a mental health condition. What effects our physical health will end up effecting our mental health, and the other way ’round. It’s like a two-fer that NO ONE WANTS. Or a buy one, get one sale on second-hand toothbrushes. Or… (insert your own icky metaphor here, and share in the comments please)

For me it’s all too easy to let the cycle get entirely out of control. Take for example this fine shitstain of a week. I haven’t walked yet at all. Not once. And the less I walk the harder it is to sleep. The harder it is to sleep, the harder it is to get up early enough to walk. You feel me, right? Dig it.

So the cycle has to stop, and I have to be the one to do it. Tomorrow morning, no matter how much I don’t want to or I hurt or I’m tired, I will be getting my fat little ass on that treadmill. (after I weigh myself) If I don’t, then the skin condition bullshit and the stress and the mental stuff, it all wins. And I am not spending my time on this little blue ball letting something other than me determine what wins.

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