when life hands you lemons…

Tags

bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, DBT, depression, mental health, mental illness, rebuilding my life, suicide

…freeze those fuckers and throw them at people you don’t like. Because seriously, who likes lemonade? But I digress, today is Thursday and on Thursdays we talk about mental health.

***TRIGGER WARNING***

I’m going to discuss suicide in this post. If that will bother you, stop reading now.

Something really cool happened yesterday. It’s probably only cool to me, but hey, my blog. This story actually starts back in 2010. Let’s hop in Mama’s time machine…

In February of 2010 I had a terrible breakup with a guy. That was pretty typical for me. I still hadn’t completed DBT and I wasn’t really taking care of myself. True to form I fell hard and scared him off. When he broke up with me I emptied the contents of the medicine cabinet into my stomach. That was my 4th serious attempt within two years. By the time I was found I was completely unconscious. The paramedics rushed me to the hospital, they pumped my stomach, and I spent time in the ICU.

Life was not good at that point, to say the very least.

I worked hard to get my life back together. I continued going to my therapy sessions, 3 times a week at the start, my mom locked my meds up and I only got one week worth at a time, and I learned how to think all over again. My psychiatrist wasn’t sure if I’d finally managed to cause myself permanent brain damage. (I hadn’t.)

Slowly but surely things came back together. I finished my Master’s degree and started doing better at work. My relationships improved. I learned how to not give up on myself anymore.

Back to the present…

A month or so ago my boss told me that our prescription insurance will do mail order three month med refills on generics for NOTHING. I take three prescriptions, all psych meds, and all generic. But I was concerned that my doc wouldn’t go for it because of my history.

The box came yesterday.

 

and this is why Mama is not allowed time off work very often

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, family, life, mental health, mental illness, money, skin conditions, sleep, stress, taking charge of my finances

Have I ever mentioned how much I love to shop? It really doesn’t fit with the whole minimalist thing I’m trying to embrace, I realize that. But I love a good deal. And shiny things.

Part of this whole transition to singleness has involved making over bits of my living space. I felt that I had to really make this area MINE in order to live happily down here. A lot of what I did was remove things, put my things that had been tucked away in a more prominent place, move things around – you get the idea. But I’ve done some shopping, too. And I’ve realized something…

it is entirely different shopping for myself now as an independent single woman than it was shopping for myself as his wife.

Seems a little odd, but it’s true. And I don’t know that I can explain it. So I won’t even try.

Anyway, Mom and I took Grandma shopping yesterday to get a dress for my cousin’s wedding and I scored a great dress.

It’s absolutely stunning and it looks really good on. And it was $9.99. So yeah, I’ve been doing more shopping lately, but I still shop the sales.

Fortunately my sleep situation seems to be truly sorted out. I slept nearly 8 hours last night which is phenomenal. I ate like shit yesterday but I’m hoping since it was a one time kind of thing that it won’t cause any problems. And sadly my right leg has two new lesions that are draining and irritating me. I think part of that issue is different activities lately and me not being properly attired for them.

I’m going to see T-bone this morning. I had set this appointment up when I was in there last time, mostly just thinking since I’d be on vacation it would be a good idea. I’m thinking he’ll be quiet pleasantly surprised to hear about what’s been happening.

how many pillows do you really need?

Tags

bipolar disorder, building a life worth living, creating myself, divorce, life, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, sleep, taking my life back, you need 5 pillows

That’s the best shot I could find of the north end of the room as it looked while Josh was here. It was cluttered, which you can’t too much see, and it was kind of one dimensional. I have since turned that into…

this. And this is much more me. It’s very organized and more streamlined. There are flowers everywhere but they don’t make it feel too busy. The colors are a little softer and it’s all very warm and cozy. I love being in this space now. And Evie Cat seems to love it, too.

Things are still going really well. I’ve lost another 1.5lbs since Friday and that really excites me. I slept good again, about the same as the night before, so I think that’s really good. And Mom and I are getting some things done we had wanted to. Maybe not the vacation I had thought I would have but it’s certainly not turning out bad at all.

creating myself

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, family, friends, health, hypomania, kids, life, love, mental illness, moods, normal, sleep, stress

I’m not going to lie and say that this process I’m going through has been entirely easy. There’s been one hell of a lot of hard work getting the traces of him out of here so that I could start building my nest. It’s been a little difficult for me to get used to being able to make my own decisions again. But I haven’t had a single doubt that I did, and am doing, the right thing.

I chose the day I did because I knew that he would have a long weekend to try to start finding a place to stay, get some things, arrange transportation. That same span of time allowed me and Mom to do the overhaul in my living space. And now I have my week off work to get my sleep schedule back under control.

The first night I have no clue how I slept, other than like shit. Since then I’ve been having my Fitbit track my sleep. The second and third nights weren’t great either, and I was starting to get worried. Too many nights with no sleep can spell utter disaster for someone with Bipolar. Lack of sleep isn’t always a symptom of mania, it can also be a trigger. And I fucking HATE being manic.

But, praise the Almighty Ceiling Cat, I slept for 7 hours and 20 minutes last night.

So I think I’m going to be really alright. I’m finishing one of the last little projects I wanted to get done this morning. Yesterday Mom and I took my nieces to a natural history museum and hung out with some dinosaur bones, which they thought was super cool. And today we’re doing crafts. So yeah, I’m doing better. Loads better. Thanks for all the support kids, y’all rock.

what the hell is that smell?

Tags

anxiety, becoming me, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, divorce, family, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, sick, sleep, stress, taking back control of my life, the world is full of fucking idiots

No matter how many times you try to polish it, a turd is still just a turd. Oddly enough, it’s taken me more than 5 years to realize this. Probably more than that in all honesty, but 5 years for this particular instance.

I’m really mostly a kind, gentle soul that doesn’t like hurting anyone for any reason. As T-bone described it earlier, beneath my hard as nails exterior is a gooey marshmallow center. That is totally true, most of the time.

But we all have our limits and I’ve reached mine.

This blog wasn’t around when Josh and I started dating, which is really a good thing. There was a blog, under a different name, and it’s since been deleted. By me. I was just coming out of the worst stretch of my life in regards to my mental health and I was a little bit beyond batshit crazy.

But I did a year of DBT, I went through even more therapy after that, kept taking my meds like a good kid, and doing all the stuff the doc said to do. And because of all that hard work and the support of some amazing folks, I haven’t seen the inside of an ambulance, an ICU, or a psych ward since February 2010. Totally proud of that.

Since that time I’ve finished a Master’s degree, started and finished a graduate certificate (got a 4.0GPA on it, too), taught myself to knit sweaters and socks, learned to draw, and I’ve been ridiculously stable.

None of that actually has a fucking thing to do with Josh. Not a bit. In that same span of time he finally quit drinking every night, enrolled in some classes at the community college where he is doing the bare minimum to get by, and has maybe quit smoking. Possibly. But according to him everything good that happens is because of him and everything shitty is because of me. It’s a pretty typical mess one encounters with a pending divorce.

Fights between two people who have mental illnesses like we do and are also incredibly fucking stubborn are just nuts. We try to out-stubborn the other, we say truly shitty things, and there is not an iota of tenderness. It’s all out warfare and I’m sick of it.

I’m taking the blame for it because that seems the easiest way to just shut him the hell up. I’ve already taken some steps to take control of my life, something I haven’t entirely had in a very long time, like maybe ever. I’m reclaiming my preferred persona everywhere I can. So I will likely be making some massive overhauls here and in all areas of my life, and I might be away for a few days. Thank you for the love and support you’ve shown me, recently and always. Y’all mean oodles to me.

so much to tell you

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, divorce, goals, health, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, stress

I’m not really even sure where to begin, which isn’t like me. So let’s see…

I did walk on Friday, only 10 minutes, but still. And my total for the week in terms of weight loss was one pound. I’ll take it.

Josh had the appointment with the cardiologist Friday afternoon. He almost certainly has blockages in his heart and his legs. On Monday he goes in for a scan of his legs and then on Wednesday they’ll do an angiogram. Not sure what they’ll find or when he’ll come home. I honestly don’t think it matters. He isn’t taking any of this seriously and I’ve decided I really don’t care. If he doesn’t love me enough to take care of himself then there’s no point in worrying about any of this.

Mom and I went shopping today, as per our usual Saturday morning fun. We did the big farmer’s market downtown, Kohl’s, Barnes & Noble, and Hallmark. She had some wicked good coupons at Kohl’s and gave them to me so I ended up with a swimming outfit for $1.06. It’s really workout shorts and a tank top that should be alright in the water and will cover the truly unsightly bits on my legs.

This afternoon I got the sewing done on the black and white vest. WOOT! I still need to trim the threads and clean up a few rough edges, but it’s essentially done. I am so fucking excited to see the ass end of that project. The knit shrug is coming along nicely as well, I’m thinking maybe tonight I’ll get to spend a little time with it. Although, maybe not, because…

MENTALTOASTER is a thing! My friend got the URL registered, WordPress is installed, and now we’re working on some final details and what it should look like. My intention is for it to be a positive place where anyone wanting to get or give support on nutritional/health type issues can go, particularly if that person also has mental health issues. I will definitely let y’all know when everything is live and ready to roll.

the (viscous and entirely rotten) cycle of mental health from the viewpoint of someone with bipolar and borderline

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, getting healthy, health, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress, stress management

Wow, doesn’t life just suck some turds sometimes? Honestly, things were going great in my little world and then BAM! All of a sudden I’ve quit smoking, the diet is really changing, and the old man may or may not have a serious heart condition. I feel little like I’ve been handled in a way which is sexually inappropriate and A) not offered adequate lubrication, and B) not been kissed afterwards.

This SUCKS.

And because my stress levels have rocketed through the ever-loving roof, my skin condition is flaring up. And my neck/shoulder muscles are tight again. And this afternoon my irritable bowels decided to be irritable.

Come on man, now this shit REALLY SUCKS.

But it’s like that for those of us living with a mental health condition. What effects our physical health will end up effecting our mental health, and the other way ’round. It’s like a two-fer that NO ONE WANTS. Or a buy one, get one sale on second-hand toothbrushes. Or… (insert your own icky metaphor here, and share in the comments please)

For me it’s all too easy to let the cycle get entirely out of control. Take for example this fine shitstain of a week. I haven’t walked yet at all. Not once. And the less I walk the harder it is to sleep. The harder it is to sleep, the harder it is to get up early enough to walk. You feel me, right? Dig it.

So the cycle has to stop, and I have to be the one to do it. Tomorrow morning, no matter how much I don’t want to or I hurt or I’m tired, I will be getting my fat little ass on that treadmill. (after I weigh myself) If I don’t, then the skin condition bullshit and the stress and the mental stuff, it all wins. And I am not spending my time on this little blue ball letting something other than me determine what wins.

my tolerance for bullshit has reached an all-time low

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, choices, DBT, drama free zone, family, health, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, save the drama for yo mama, skin conditions, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

Yeah, Mondays suck. I’ve been trying my best to deal with the ridiculous quantities of bullshit going on right now and, honestly, I think I’m doing a fan-fucking-tastic job. But truly, a girl can only take so much at once.

Josh and I have both smoked what should be our last cigarettes. That happened yesterday. Remarkably it hasn’t been as hard as I remember quitting can be. Part of it is that it’s been hot as hell here lately. I hate smoking outside when it’s really hot, wet, windy, or cold. So basically there are like 6 weeks out of 52 that I find smoking outside tolerable in Nebraska.

Because of all the drama going on with Josh’s health I’ve been trying to take care of myself as best I can and not make a fuss about not really feeling great myself. I know it’s stress and that this stress will pass, I really do get that. But my skin crap is flaring up on both legs now and draining like that cheap old car we all had that leaked oil like some kind of freak mechanical miscarriage. It ain’t pretty in my special long-legged drawers right now kids, not pretty at all.

So I called the dermatologist’s office to get an appointment to try the phototherapy whatever. She’s on vacation this week so I’ll see her PA, her dude PA. Keep in mind that my problem area is my inner thighs, right up next to where all my junk is. The nurse explained that they’ll “paint” the area, let it sit (to give it time to think about what it’s done to me???), then I’ll sit under the light. The whole process is supposed to take about two hours. And then, get this, I cannot expose the affected area to sunlight for 48 hours. She told me that and I’m all, “honey, that part of this body hasn’t seen the actual light of day in YEARS.”

Oh sweet jezuz, what the fuck am I getting myself into now…

My appointment is at 12:30, if it runs 2 hours I’ll be done at 2:30. Josh’s appointment with the anesthesia people is at 3:30. I know where we’re going but he doesn’t and I’m not entirely sure how to work all of this because he and I will be coming from complete opposite sides of town. Righty-o.

Alright, I’ve had my 15 minutes of bitching, time to suck it up and get on with kicking ass and taking names.

It’s certainly not a popular opinion that I hold, but I will tell you that it is my heart-felt belief that each of us is faced with choices every day and how we choose shapes the remainder of our days. I said something to this effect to someone the other day and was met with utter resistance. I was told that I couldn’t possibly say that everyone can choose.

I’m here to tell you that they can and they do. There are no excuses. Maybe you aren’t in a state of mind to make a reasonable choice today but I would suggest that it likely has to do with a choice you made on a different day. And don’t for one minute think that not making a choice gets your ass off the hook. Not choosing is a form of choosing, rather a coward’s way.

I’m choosing not to put up with whiny ass bullshit drama anymore. I have better things to do with my time.

a glimpse of friday

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, cat watching television, cleaning is a coping skill, Elsa riding a T-rex, family, kids, life, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, nothing like nieces, stress

I took yesterday off work (mostly) so that I could get a few things done before the kid comes this weekend and so that I could spend the afternoon with my nieces. Thursday night I was kind of strung out from all the medical shit going on so I fell back on one of my favorite coping skills – cleaning. Between Thursday late evening and this morning I’ve managed to get all of this shit done.

• All 3 bathrooms cleaned (in all fairness only 1 is a full bath)
• I brewed my coffee for iced coffees next week
• Cleaned out and organized both fridges
• Did 2 loads of laundry
• Changed the sheets and made the bed
• Watered the plants
• Refilled my pill trays, all 3 of them (those are just mine, Josh has 3 of his own)
• Emptied the cat box, 2x
• Finished putting together my binders of printed patterns – I had started that project Thursday night
• Shredded some paper crap that came out of the file drawer – weeded the drawer out Thursday night as well
• Revised/updated a budget I started ages ago and printed it so that Josh and I can go over it this weekend
• Ran to the one grocery store with Mom

Aunt Erin and E, my 7 year old niece, playing dolls

at some point a T-rex got involved

at the end of a long day it’s nice to relax with a little TV

The most exciting news yesterday is that, somehow, I lost 3.5lbs. I’m quite pleased with that and I’m going to credit eating that bowl of mushy seeds and then damn near shitting myself to death with my success. So yay.

This morning Mom and I will be running to the farmer’s market and one other store, and then I believe we’re going to try to finish getting the house stuff taken care of. There’s truly no rest for the wicked.

and now for yet another installment of the Mental Girl’s Guide – Life Hacks 101

Tags

bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, life hacks, maintaining your sanity the mental girl way, mental girl, mental girl guide, mental health, mental illness, tips for being mental

If you’re a mental girl, like me, then you’ve probably figured out that this bullshit we call Life is not always everything it’s cracked up to be. But we need to find ways to make the best of it so we can go on with our fabulousness and kick some proverbial ass. So here are Mama’s suggestions for making this Life thing a little less suck.

Lists

I’m notorious for making lists of things. There are things I need to do, things I need to get at the store, things I need to remember to tell shrinky-poo, things I need to cook… You get the idea. And lists are good, provided you can find them. I know you, you’ve made all these great lists on little scraps of paper and then promptly lost them. Am I right? Of course I am, go sit back down.

My solution to this is to only keep my lists in 3 different places, only 3. Anything I need to keep track of for work gets turned into a Task in Outlook. Anything I need to remember to do for home gets turned into a Task in Gmail which is then linked into an app on my Droid called GTasks. And random, short term shit at home gets written on the little whiteboard on the fridge. Problem solved.

Self Care

When you’re caught in the throes of either mania or depression it’s hard to remember much of anything, let alone taking care of yourself. But it’s important. No one wants to smell your funk from not having bathed too many days in a row. That’s like inviting the cops to come check on what the neighbors suspect is a dead body. Not cool.

But since it is often hard to find the energy to do it, I say make the most of it. Because of my shitty skin that fucking hates me I can’t take baths anymore, it’s all showers for me. And I do as much in that shower as I possibly can. This includes:  shaving any of the bits I feel like shaving (mostly the chin whiskers), brushing my teeth, washing my face, grinding the dead shit off my heels and elbows, in addition to all of the “normal” things one would do in the shower.

After that it’s just a matter of throwing on some clean clothes, running a comb through your hair, and calling it good.

Housework

I won’t lie, I absolutely hate cleaning house. Some smart guy, probably a horny 16 year old kid who wants his girlfriend to finish her chores faster, needs to invent a way for my house to clean itself. Chop chop, get on that shit! Until that day I guess I’ll have to keep finding little ways to make it suck less. Except the vacuuming, that needs to suck.

I try to run a load of laundry as soon as there’s a full load to be run. For us this tends to happen every other day or so with the hot water stuff. I keep separate hampers for hot water, warm water, and my dress shirts so that it’s real easy to keep an eye on that shit and see when one of them reaches critical mass. If I can I throw the load in the washer before I leave for work in the morning, put it in the dryer when I get home, and then fold it and put it away before bed. Done. Doing it little at a time like that makes it feel not quite as wretched.

Minor maintenance stuff like tidying up and emptying the little trashcans I do every day. It takes a total of about 10 minutes. If I do that shit daily then it doesn’t have a chance to get out of control, like my hair in the humidity, and then I have less of it to do on the weekends.

Personal Organization

Let’s face it, we’re popular people. We have lots of appointments to keep track of. Places to go, people to see, shit to do. And it’s easy to let something important slip if you don’t keep track of it.

I’ve mentioned before that I am all about making my Droid be my bitch. If you must know, her name is Gertrude and she’s my personal bitch; she does it all. In one place she keeps track of both my work and my personal appointments so that when I’m visiting shrinky-poo and need to schedule my next appointment I can whip out Gertrude and figure out the most convenient time. Like. A. Boss.

If you don’t have a Gertrude (paws off dammit, this one is mine) then find a system that works for you. The kicker here is it needs to be something you’re going to remember to have with you any time you need to know what your busy social calendar looks like.

Productivity

Most of us aren’t always satisfied with how much we’re getting done. And in all honesty, I don’t think the normies are either, they just aren’t talking about it like we are. But there are a few things we can do about that.

If you’ve ever read this blog before you probably picked up on the fact that I set 5 goals for myself every week. I think goals are fucking awesome. Make them a little hard, but not impossible. Give yourself a time frame to get them done in. Make them as specific as you can. And then do your best.

If you have a goal or a project that you want to get done that seems to big or just totally beyond being doable, just break that shit down.

DJ, give me a beat…

• What are the smallest possible chunks you could do?
• Do they need to be done in order?
• Make yourself a plan – 10 minutes a day, 30 minutes, hour?
• Then, in the immortal words of some flunky at the ad agency used by Nike, JUST DO IT!