when life hands you lemons…

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bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, DBT, depression, mental health, mental illness, rebuilding my life, suicide

…freeze those fuckers and throw them at people you don’t like. Because seriously, who likes lemonade? But I digress, today is Thursday and on Thursdays we talk about mental health.

***TRIGGER WARNING***

I’m going to discuss suicide in this post. If that will bother you, stop reading now.

Something really cool happened yesterday. It’s probably only cool to me, but hey, my blog. This story actually starts back in 2010. Let’s hop in Mama’s time machine…

In February of 2010 I had a terrible breakup with a guy. That was pretty typical for me. I still hadn’t completed DBT and I wasn’t really taking care of myself. True to form I fell hard and scared him off. When he broke up with me I emptied the contents of the medicine cabinet into my stomach. That was my 4th serious attempt within two years. By the time I was found I was completely unconscious. The paramedics rushed me to the hospital, they pumped my stomach, and I spent time in the ICU.

Life was not good at that point, to say the very least.

I worked hard to get my life back together. I continued going to my therapy sessions, 3 times a week at the start, my mom locked my meds up and I only got one week worth at a time, and I learned how to think all over again. My psychiatrist wasn’t sure if I’d finally managed to cause myself permanent brain damage. (I hadn’t.)

Slowly but surely things came back together. I finished my Master’s degree and started doing better at work. My relationships improved. I learned how to not give up on myself anymore.

Back to the present…

A month or so ago my boss told me that our prescription insurance will do mail order three month med refills on generics for NOTHING. I take three prescriptions, all psych meds, and all generic. But I was concerned that my doc wouldn’t go for it because of my history.

The box came yesterday.

 

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the (viscous and entirely rotten) cycle of mental health from the viewpoint of someone with bipolar and borderline

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anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, getting healthy, health, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress, stress management

Wow, doesn’t life just suck some turds sometimes? Honestly, things were going great in my little world and then BAM! All of a sudden I’ve quit smoking, the diet is really changing, and the old man may or may not have a serious heart condition. I feel little like I’ve been handled in a way which is sexually inappropriate and A) not offered adequate lubrication, and B) not been kissed afterwards.

This SUCKS.

And because my stress levels have rocketed through the ever-loving roof, my skin condition is flaring up. And my neck/shoulder muscles are tight again. And this afternoon my irritable bowels decided to be irritable.

Come on man, now this shit REALLY SUCKS.

But it’s like that for those of us living with a mental health condition. What effects our physical health will end up effecting our mental health, and the other way ’round. It’s like a two-fer that NO ONE WANTS. Or a buy one, get one sale on second-hand toothbrushes. Or… (insert your own icky metaphor here, and share in the comments please)

For me it’s all too easy to let the cycle get entirely out of control. Take for example this fine shitstain of a week. I haven’t walked yet at all. Not once. And the less I walk the harder it is to sleep. The harder it is to sleep, the harder it is to get up early enough to walk. You feel me, right? Dig it.

So the cycle has to stop, and I have to be the one to do it. Tomorrow morning, no matter how much I don’t want to or I hurt or I’m tired, I will be getting my fat little ass on that treadmill. (after I weigh myself) If I don’t, then the skin condition bullshit and the stress and the mental stuff, it all wins. And I am not spending my time on this little blue ball letting something other than me determine what wins.

and now for yet another installment of the Mental Girl’s Guide – Life Hacks 101

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bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, life hacks, maintaining your sanity the mental girl way, mental girl, mental girl guide, mental health, mental illness, tips for being mental

If you’re a mental girl, like me, then you’ve probably figured out that this bullshit we call Life is not always everything it’s cracked up to be. But we need to find ways to make the best of it so we can go on with our fabulousness and kick some proverbial ass. So here are Mama’s suggestions for making this Life thing a little less suck.

Lists

I’m notorious for making lists of things. There are things I need to do, things I need to get at the store, things I need to remember to tell shrinky-poo, things I need to cook… You get the idea. And lists are good, provided you can find them. I know you, you’ve made all these great lists on little scraps of paper and then promptly lost them. Am I right? Of course I am, go sit back down.

My solution to this is to only keep my lists in 3 different places, only 3. Anything I need to keep track of for work gets turned into a Task in Outlook. Anything I need to remember to do for home gets turned into a Task in Gmail which is then linked into an app on my Droid called GTasks. And random, short term shit at home gets written on the little whiteboard on the fridge. Problem solved.

Self Care

When you’re caught in the throes of either mania or depression it’s hard to remember much of anything, let alone taking care of yourself. But it’s important. No one wants to smell your funk from not having bathed too many days in a row. That’s like inviting the cops to come check on what the neighbors suspect is a dead body. Not cool.

But since it is often hard to find the energy to do it, I say make the most of it. Because of my shitty skin that fucking hates me I can’t take baths anymore, it’s all showers for me. And I do as much in that shower as I possibly can. This includes:  shaving any of the bits I feel like shaving (mostly the chin whiskers), brushing my teeth, washing my face, grinding the dead shit off my heels and elbows, in addition to all of the “normal” things one would do in the shower.

After that it’s just a matter of throwing on some clean clothes, running a comb through your hair, and calling it good.

Housework

I won’t lie, I absolutely hate cleaning house. Some smart guy, probably a horny 16 year old kid who wants his girlfriend to finish her chores faster, needs to invent a way for my house to clean itself. Chop chop, get on that shit! Until that day I guess I’ll have to keep finding little ways to make it suck less. Except the vacuuming, that needs to suck.

I try to run a load of laundry as soon as there’s a full load to be run. For us this tends to happen every other day or so with the hot water stuff. I keep separate hampers for hot water, warm water, and my dress shirts so that it’s real easy to keep an eye on that shit and see when one of them reaches critical mass. If I can I throw the load in the washer before I leave for work in the morning, put it in the dryer when I get home, and then fold it and put it away before bed. Done. Doing it little at a time like that makes it feel not quite as wretched.

Minor maintenance stuff like tidying up and emptying the little trashcans I do every day. It takes a total of about 10 minutes. If I do that shit daily then it doesn’t have a chance to get out of control, like my hair in the humidity, and then I have less of it to do on the weekends.

Personal Organization

Let’s face it, we’re popular people. We have lots of appointments to keep track of. Places to go, people to see, shit to do. And it’s easy to let something important slip if you don’t keep track of it.

I’ve mentioned before that I am all about making my Droid be my bitch. If you must know, her name is Gertrude and she’s my personal bitch; she does it all. In one place she keeps track of both my work and my personal appointments so that when I’m visiting shrinky-poo and need to schedule my next appointment I can whip out Gertrude and figure out the most convenient time. Like. A. Boss.

If you don’t have a Gertrude (paws off dammit, this one is mine) then find a system that works for you. The kicker here is it needs to be something you’re going to remember to have with you any time you need to know what your busy social calendar looks like.

Productivity

Most of us aren’t always satisfied with how much we’re getting done. And in all honesty, I don’t think the normies are either, they just aren’t talking about it like we are. But there are a few things we can do about that.

If you’ve ever read this blog before you probably picked up on the fact that I set 5 goals for myself every week. I think goals are fucking awesome. Make them a little hard, but not impossible. Give yourself a time frame to get them done in. Make them as specific as you can. And then do your best.

If you have a goal or a project that you want to get done that seems to big or just totally beyond being doable, just break that shit down.

DJ, give me a beat…

• What are the smallest possible chunks you could do?
• Do they need to be done in order?
• Make yourself a plan – 10 minutes a day, 30 minutes, hour?
• Then, in the immortal words of some flunky at the ad agency used by Nike, JUST DO IT!

mental health thursday – a post in pictures

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, depression, family, friends, hypomania, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, normal, stress, stress management

dear drama llama…

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alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, depression, getting creative, health, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sleep, stress

Stress effects everyone differently, but you can rest assured that it effects us all. Stress can be good, like the kind that drives us to do our best on a project. It can also be bad, like the kind that emotionally cripples us and leaves us in a heap on the floor. But we don’t have to let bad stress make us it’s bitch. Here are some of the ways that I help to combat my stress.

Humor

Dear Drama Llama,
We’ve spent a lot of time together lately, so much in fact that my dear friends Productivity and Sleep are getting concerned. I think they’re right, it’s time for you and I to take a break from each other. Let’s just reschedule. Does the Tuesday after NEVER work for you? Let me know. Kthxbai.

It’s a lot harder to cry when you’re busy laughing.

Exercise

Physical activity releases good chemicals into our bodies that make us feel good and when we feel good it’s easier to deal with stress. I also find that when I’m stressed I have nervous energy that makes it hard to sleep and exercising helps to burn that off. My preferred form of exercise is walking. I have a treadmill at home and I love it. The days I make time to walk I feel noticeably better.

Nutrition

Food is fuel for our bodies and the higher quality fuel we put in, the better our bodies run. This is never more true than when we’re stressed. I know how tempting it is to reach for the junk food and chocolate, but try to resist. If you need something crunchy to work out a little aggression, go for raw veggies like carrots or fresh apples. Fruit can take the place of something sweet like chocolate and is extra treat-like if you freeze it (cherries are my favorite for this). Tempting as it may be, do your best to stay away from alcohol. Stress and alcohol do not mix.

Make time for something you enjoy

Even when we have so much going on that it seems like time to relax is a luxury we really need to make time for ourselves. Our brains need time to unwind and chew on something other than what’s stressing us out. I take an hour every evening right before bed to draw or knit or play with nanoblocks. It really does make a difference. And it leads me to another biggie…

Sleep

I know first-hand how hard it is to get enough sleep when you’re stressed, and how sometimes it’s hard because all you want to do is sleep, but a good balance is what we all need. Most folks need somewhere between 7 and 9 hours every night. I fall right in the middle, happiest with about 8. Getting some physical activity every day, before dinner, helps. Staying away from caffeine or other things that stimulate you helps. Doing something relaxing for awhile before bedtime helps. And turning off the electronics for an hour before you lay down helps.

Follow doc’s orders

I have an Rx from shrinky-poo for anxiety meds that help with stress. I’m allowed 2100mg per day but usually only take 1200. It helps knowing that I have room to increase safely but I really do find that handling at least some of it with diet, exercise, and relaxing activities works much better for me. But I really can’t encourage y’all enough to talk to your mental health care provider about the kinds of stress you normally have and what the best ways are for you to help address it.

mental health thursday

Tags

bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, hope, life, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, normal, sick, sleep, stress

We haven’t done this in awhile, so I thought maybe we should revisit our little talks about mental health. I have a tendency to get wrapped up in my own little world to the point that I forget that part of what I need to do is spread the word about how “normal” those of us with mental illness really are. Mostly I forget because I’m too busy being normal I guess.

But I want y’all to know that you are not alone. Let me say this again…

Y’ALL AIN’T ALONE.

Even though I don’t often talk about my diagnoses these days that does not mean that I don’t still have issues. I do. HELL YES I do. My diseases have reached what I consider to be the equivalent of remission for someone fighting cancer. They’re still there, they still color my world, but I’m not having to seek crisis intervention on a regular basis. And that feels nice.

My name is Erin and I have Bipolar Disorder II and Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve attempted suicide four times. I’ve been hospitalized more times than I care to recall. I’ve lost friends. I’ve lost the ability to do some of the recreational activities I used to love. I’ve had allergic reactions to meds so severe I was almost hospitalized. I’ve stared down the beast that is depression and I’ve stayed up for 6 days solid, dancing with the beast that is mania.

I have been there, done that, and got the free t-shirt to prove it.

I’ve also started and completed both a Master’s degree and a graduate certificate since being diagnosed. I’ve maintained my full-time job and advanced in my career. I’ve learned to be financially responsible. And I’ve learned that I will feel better if I can help make someone else feel better.

These days I do a whole lot of taking care of me so that I can take care of those I love. I take my meds like a good kid. I eat mostly healthy food and I stay mostly away from alcohol. I try to get good sleep every night. I see my psych doc when I’m supposed to and I make an appointment with my therapist when I feel I need to. And I try to focus on the good stuff. I spend more time with the good things I can still do and less time missing the things I used to do.

We’ll get through this together, we really will. I promise.

mental health awareness month

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bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, meds, mental health, mental health awareness month, mental illness

I realize I haven’t been talking about my mental health too much lately. I’m extremely fortunate in that I’ve managed, with a lot of help from some truly amazing people, to reach a place where my mental health isn’t sitting squarely at the top of my list of waking thoughts. Odd as this is going to sound I have just recently had to set an alarm for myself so that I remember to take my bedtime meds because I had actually forgotten a few times. (not entirely, but didn’t remember until about an hour late) I’m kind of sort of maybe finally normal-ish, sometimes. It’s a little freaky to be honest.

But I want to make sure that I don’t lose sight of how I got here and I damn sure don’t want to ever forget how important it is to take care of myself. So this month in particular I’m going to be talking about mental health, my mental health, more regularly. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, so let’s talk.

explaining what it feels like to have bipolar disorder

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anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, depression, hypomania, life, limits, meds, mental health, moods, sleep, stress

Anyone with an invisible illness can tell you just how hard it is to tell you what it’s like living with that illness. There are some bits that are maybe easy to relate to, but most of it? Not so much. When you’re dealing with a mental illness that just seems to add another layer of “no way, what?” to the party.

Throw in that no two people will experience the same diagnosis in exactly the same way and you essentially get Klingons trying to speak Midwestern English while the Midwesterners are speaking Ancient Sumerian.

In other words, what the fuck did you just say?

But there do seem to be some areas where we share common ground. For example, most folks who have bipolar have issues with sleep and need a little help making it happen on a regular basis. Describing what a typical night without sleepytime meds is like is the hard part.

All of this fascinating lead-in to say that I came across an article that I think really nicely describes a bipolar experience quite similar to my own. And by “really nicely” I mean this poor woman has apparently suffered through similar bullshit as I have and was able to find words to describe it.

So if you’re lucky enough to not have bipolar and you’d like to know more about it by reading someone’s description of their personal experiences with it, that would be the article to read.

benefits?

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bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, depression, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, stress

I read this article the other day about “The Benefits of Bipolar Disorder” by Gabe Howard. It really made me think. So let’s discuss…

Gabe’s position is that there really aren’t any benefits of having bipolar. Bipolar sucks, and it can suck the life right out of you. It’s a rotten ass disease to live with and many of us don’t make it that long.

Totally agreeing with him. Sounds like one hell of a downer article, doesn’t it? But it’s really not.

He goes on to say that the so called benefits are in spite of all our suffering, not because of it. “The silver lining is spun entirely from the amazing people living with the disease.”

Think about that for just a minute…

Our silver linings happen because WE make them. All of the terrible shit we go through, the side effects of medications, the hospitalizations, the lost friends and lovers, the scars we accumulate; all of those things combine with our strength of spirit to make the most beautiful silver linings imaginable.

Bipolar is a shitty disease, but by being strong and doing what we know we need to, we can turn that shit into compost and grow beautiful things.

But please, don’t give bipolar the credit for how beautiful your garden is. You did that, and you earned it.

let’s talk about rage

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anger, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, honestly borderline, let's talk about mental health, limits, mental health, mental illness, rage

Chris Dean of pixie c.d. wrote today about the struggles those of us with borderline personality disorder deal with when it comes to our anger. For many of us, well, for me, that anger can be expressed as rage. Well, more like RAGE. And I’ve never felt that my descriptions of those feelings were accurate or adequate. It truly is like nothing else I’ve ever experienced.

It’s terrifying. The aftermath is often shameful. It feels like not only have you lost control but that you’ll never EVER get it back.

Borderline is a wicked scary disorder. Until you learn ways to get it under control, it owns you. You are it’s bitch. And you will honestly do damn near anything to get your life back.

And yet…

NO ONE FUCKING TALKS ABOUT IT.

Anyway, please, go read Chris’s post. I’ll warn you that it’s very brutally honest, but we need that. If we’re going to bust the stigma that surrounds so many mental illnesses we’re going to have to start talking and having frank and honest discussions about what we truly go through.

Most importantly, we need to talk about how we can get some control back and go on to live good lives.