the best laid plans of Mama OR why Tuesday kind of sucked as bad as Monday, but maybe only on the level of sucking tadpole nuts

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adventures in cooking, bipolar disorder, crochet, getting creative, getting healthy, goals, health, husbands are like large children who still don't listen, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, recipes, skin conditions, stress, stress management, the world is full of fucking idiots

Holy fucking flying squirrels, TIME OUT!

I will spare you some of the gory details because I’m polite like that, but dammit, what a day. Josh still doesn’t have everything taken care of for his pre-op crap and somehow that was my fault, even though I’ve been nagging him about it since we found out it needed to be done. Evidently I was supposed to completely plan out all of it to ensure that he got to class, got the supplies he needs for class (that place closes at 5pm and is on the other side of town), got all of his homework done on time, and got the pre-op stuff done (had to be at the doc’s office before 6pm) AND all of this had to be done this week.

Needless to say he’s at home today because the goddamn EKG didn’t go well and this way he not only gets a day off work but can do all of that other shit plus have time to fuck around. Apparently life is good when you’re an idiot.

I met with shrinky-poo yesterday and that, fortunately, went really well. I mentioned to her this glorious rash I developed after setting up the garden with Mom a few weeks ago and evidently, get this, I am ALLERGIC TO THE SUN. Long term lithium usage apparently makes you sensitive to natural sunlight so it’s likely that any time I’m outside for any length of time I’ll turn bright red, bumpy/blistery, and itch like mad. Ah yes, you’re jealous, I get it.

Last night after all the excitement I though to myself, “self, we should totally work on that crocheted vest. Fucking thing is damn near done. Let’s get on that right now!” And so I did. Then this happened…

that’s one of the “sleeves” and there is a 360 degree twist in it

that’s what it looks like all laid out; notice how incredibly ruffly the sleeve bits are? ick

and that is one of my man-hands laying on top of it to show how ridiculously too fucking big it is

I put it in time out and started working on the knit shrug instead while I decided the fate of this monstrosity. The yarn is phenomenal and it deserves to be turned into something truly lovely. So I really think that it’s going to be frogged (ripped out so that the yarn can be reused, for those of you who aren’t knitters/crocheters). Right now I just can’t hardly bear to look at it.

One of the other things I decided to do last night was try some new recipes involving chia seeds. (yes, I am 100% jumping on the healthy hipster food bandwagon and I apparently like torturing myself) I made a really good smoothie that I will absolutely make again, probably tonight. And then I decided to try this breakfast thing. Kind of like oatmeal but made with the seeds. The recipe looked easy, sounded tasty, so off I went.

fish eyes, yummy!

surely adding more milk will help, right?

the rest of that bottle of milk PLUS some frozen blueberries! surely this is all it really needs, right?

So now I’m sitting next to a bowl of what looks remarkably like fish eyes with rabbit turds floating in it, hoping like hell that the blueberries defrost and I can maybe eat this shit. The flavor isn’t bad, honestly, it’s the texture that’s a little strange. And I’m really thinking that I may need to put a safety belt on the toilet later.

One of these days I’ll learn.

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I have survived (so far)

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anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, crochet, getting creative, getting healthy, health, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress

Here’s an update on the week that isn’t exactly the weekly goals update…

Since last Friday Josh has seen the GP 6 times (including today). The infection still isn’t really clearing up like it should be. Now you can actually feel the tunnel that runs beneath the skin and links the two sites. It’s disgusting to say the least. All of the stress from this has been causing difficulties between us that finally came to a head last night. In retrospect I feel like I handled things pretty well. I smoked a little, walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes, and just focused on taking care of me for a little while. Things are, for now, better.

I was off work at 10am yesterday and make really good use of my time. Mom and I got a bunch of stuff loaded in my jeep and hauled it to Goodwill, had lunch, made grocery lists, ran to Kohl’s, and went to two grocery stores. I got two of the bathrooms cleaned, all of my laundry done including the bedding, cleaned out my backpack, organized the linen cupboard in the upstairs bathroom, filled all 3 of my pill trays for the week, and had time to spend on my butt on the sofa crocheting in front of the new TV. Not a bad day at all.

Yesterday I walked 4.18 miles which is 9,711 steps. And no, not all of that was from the treadmill. A significant portion had to do with going to 3 stores and walking up and down all the steps in this joint while cleaning yesterday. But I must say, I love the Fitbit. Oh, and I lost another 1.5lbs. So yay.

Amazingly enough there’s still a ton to do. I hope y’all are having a good weekend and are enjoying whatever you’re doing to relax.

Love, Mama

well that didn’t last

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anxiety, bipolar disorder, crochet, getting creative, knitting, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

Some experiments go great and you learn amazing things that propel you forward in wonderful ways. Other experiments leave you a crying mess and beg to not be repeated for a really long time. Anyone care to guess which direction my experiment went?

Yeah, back to my previous daily allotment of gabapentin, at least for now. Stress is a BITCH, yo.

Anyway, what seems to have helped immensely was having today off work. Mom and I did oodles of stuff together and had a wonderful time. One of my friends on campus who is also a knitter told me about two new yarn shops in town so we went and visited one of them. It was lovely, simply lovely. I went in with the idea that I would just check it out, see what they had and whether it would be worth going back sometime. I came out with this…

this ball is enough for a pair of socks, or in my case, a crocheted shrug

better look at some of the gorgeous colors

I’ve made this pattern twice before in different colorways and love it. When it’s finished it looks like this…

Sonata Shrug

Single row repeat that uses a size K hook so it works up fast and looks like a million bucks.

Tonight we went to the community playhouse to see a musical version of Little Women. We walked out during intermission, it was just awful. It was campy and way too condensed and really just terrible. I don’t understand how anyone thought that would ever be a suitable story to make into a musical.

Tomorrow will be spent doing housework and other assorted chores and then Sunday will be a big ol’ mess of homework. I’ve got a sizable piece I need to have ready to turn in on Tuesday. Yee-haw.

you just never know

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bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, crochet, getting creative, knitting, life, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain

It always amazes me that some stuff I post on here generates cricket noises and some explodes in a glorious way. Yesterday’s post about wearing the pretties I’ve made exploded to such an extent that I felt compelled (read:  guilted into by a certain nameless someone) to create a whole separate page to showcase the Stuff I’ve Made. I was shocked and amazed to realize that since starting this blog I’ve put up more than 72 pictures of various projects. (72 was the final number that made the cut) So even though I’ve got my laptop today and access to all of my photos I didn’t have to upload anything additional. Whew.

But that really wasn’t what I had intended to blog about today. Here goes…

My mental health is actually pretty stable right now, and it has been for a good while. The last time I was hospitalized was in February of 2010, and that was the worst damage I’d done to myself. As in it was so bad that shrinky-poo wasn’t sure if I’d done myself permanent brain damage or not.

But since then I have completed my Master’s degree, completed a full year of DBT, gotten married again, made huge strides at work, started more grad school, handled the death of my father fairly well, and really come into my own as a grown woman. (given that I’m 38 3/4 it’s about fucking time!)

So I’m quite proud of myself for being more than just a diagnosis. But I work at that, every day. Bipolar and Borderline are diseases, just like diabetes is a disease, and they require management, just like any other disease. I have to be mindful of what I’m eating, if I’m drinking or putting other chemicals in my body that could be problematic, how much sleep I’m getting, whether I’m leaving myself enough time for recreational activities, etc.

Having a mental health diagnosis means having a full time job, usually on top of our regular jobs. But for me it’s rewarding to know that I’m keeping all of my proverbial balls in the air like my “normal” friends do even though a lot of the time it’s harder for me to do so.

Here’s to you, my mental brothers and sisters, and all the hard work you do. May we ever find a little peace of mind and a cozy place to relax.

remember that you are tasty, especially with ketchup

Tags

crochet, family, getting creative, kids, love, motivation, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, sick

There is ICK going around and it would seem that all three of us might have it. I’m just not sure what else would explain why my eyeballs are itching like this given that I took my contacts out yesterday. And there is snot, lots and LOTS of snot. But it takes more than a little snot and itchiness to slow this Mama down.

Yesterday I was able to finish a washcloth, make a very small hat for a small stuffed dog, several bits of origami with the older niece, clean out one of the drawers down here that had been a catchall for stuff, straightened up the crap under the basement bathroom sink, rearranged the crap on the big shelf in the bathroom, run two loads of laundry, tidy the basement, start teaching E how to crochet, and make this…

It needs something yet, I’m just not sure what. In case you’re wondering, that was done with Sharpies on a small artists canvas, 5×7 I think. Super fun.

So determined to learn, so damn cute.

Today is supposed to be colder than a well digger’s ass in the middle of a blizzard. We’re talking about taking the kids to a movie, but I’m not sure yet if I’m going to feel up to that or not. I’m coughing and sneezing quite a bit yet. Josh actually took today off work because he felt so shitty yesterday. Not good.

I need to get everything ready for the simplifying stuff to start on January 1st. In case you hadn’t noticed I created a new page with the whole wonkin-big plan. There are some other things I want to get posted out in the open and I think I’ll work on that this morning.

Mom and Josh and I will be having a quiet New Year’s Eve at home. Mom got a prime rib that we’ll cook along with some baked potatoes and some sort of veg. I need to come up with an interesting dessert I think, and I’ve been informed that there will be whine wine. We might find a movie to watch or she might try to get Josh to help with the new 1000 piece puzzle we got her for Christmas. Rather sounds like heaven to me.

Do y’all have any big plans for tomorrow night? Any goals for the coming year? Dessert suggestions?

 

for crimsonowl63

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crochet

Fantasm Shawl, crochet

Sonata Shrug

Sonata Shrug, crochet

These are some pieces I crocheted, probably close to 2 years ago now. The shrugs are the same pattern just done in different yarns – both sock weight that would stripe. The shawl was a lace weight yarn that I dyed myself. Both patterns were free and I think I found them through Ravelry. The shrug is super easy, just one row repeated until it was deep enough and then you tacked the corners together. The shawl was a little more involved and was done mostly from a chart if I remember right.

chaos, BE GONE!!!

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anxiety, crochet, getting healthy, life, mental health, moods, music, normal, quitting smoking, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

Ok so, um, I did not exercise this weekend.  I was busy cleaning shit.  Not literally, more like tearing apart the coat closet and reorganizing it, cleaning out my car – all the way this time, organizing some stuff in the garage, cleaning out the fridge…  I’ve come to the realization that if I’m surrounded by chaos and clutter, my brain gets very unhappy and refuses to work properly.  And honest to squirrels, part of me getting healthy is taking care of the mental health stuff.  Getting rid of unnecessary stress falls squarely into that category.

Anyway, the house looks super.  We finally unpacked a little battery operated fountain Josh’s sister gave us for Christmas and set it up on the long dresser.

isn’t it cute?

About a million years ago I crocheted the doily it’s sitting on.  It had been living on my nightstand until I knocked over a cup of red fizzy water last week.  Fortunately we had a stash of Oxyclean on hand and it really did work to get the whole stain out.  Praise the almighty ceiling cat for truth in advertising.

This morning I’ve been trying to get ahead on the stuff I know needs to be done for the coming weeks.  I’ve sent class notices for my next 4 sessions, gotten the flyer for those updated and printed, got the flyer for the 2 after that updated and a copy printed as a proof, cleaned up some old files, downloaded all of the files I need to print for my grad class, cleaned up my inbox, cleaned out my mini-fridge, eaten lunch, and handled various issues that have come in.

I’ve only smoked 2 cigarettes since I’ve been here.  I am contemplating going out again, especially since it’s so nice out today, but I don’t feel as though it’s an urgent need.  Thinking this is really good.

So I’m getting ready for my next class which starts on Wednesday.  This is Information Design and it’s taught by the same wingnut that taught the class last summer.  Some of the readings are even the same, which is pissing me off.  I didn’t think it was necessary to keep that shit, so now I get to print it all over again.  (it kills my eyes to read long docs on a computer screen)  So now I’m printing what will probably amount to half a ream of paper.  (yeah, pretty fucking close)  And it will have to be 3-hole punched, put in order of when I’ll have to read it, dividers inserted, and all of it put in my awesomely rockin’ purple binder with the sugar skull drawing that Josh did on the front.  Why be a boring grad student when you can totally rock that shit?

I’ve been listening to some tunes today, and that’s been playing a part in keeping my head from exploding.

I dare you to watch this and not smile.  But if that’s not your style, perhaps this is…

***

One “tip” I’d like to offer for those of us doing the “getting healthy” thing.  I’ve taken to drinking either hot cocoa or mocha in the mornings, using the pods for the Keurig machines.  I make mine in a double-size mug and fill the rest with low fat milk.  I’ve also been adding one of these…

International Delight Almond Joy in a single serving package

These are only 30 calories, shelf stable, and not ungodly expensive.  The coffee shop I like to go to makes candy bar mochas and Almond Joy is my fav.  This stuff plus a mocha pod and the milk makes a much cheaper and much healthier version – and won’t make me late for work.  I found them in the coffee aisle at the grocery store.

moving on

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anxiety, bipolar disorder, crochet, kids, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sleep, stress, work

No sense giving someone more than their fair 15 seconds of fame.  Onward and upward kids…

I managed to walk an even TWO MILES last night, with the incline set at 2.  By the time I was done I was DONE.  I had told myself that I’d walk until Josh got home, and when he did I was at 1.92 miles.  I couldn’t just leave it at that, I had to push on.  Walking that far took me right about 45 minutes.  It felt awesome.  Not sure I’ll be able to pull that off again today, but I’m going to try.  The walking really does help me clear my head and get everything sorted back out, not that I ever find myself all anxious and worked up these days.  It’s really better than any drug I’ve ever tried.

Most of the chores are already done.  I got sneaky this week.  I threw the towels in the wash Thursday morning and then the sheets and whites yesterday morning, so that knocked 3 loads out without really trying.  When I got home from work I tossed the jeans in and just now put that load away.  All that’s left is my cold water load.  Also need to get Josh to run the vacuum, empty the cat boxes, clean the bathroom, and make a quick run to the grocery store.  Should all be easily done by the time he needs to leave to get the brat.

I’m still not at all looking forward to this weekend, though I’m feeling a little better about it.  When Josh got home last night he told me that Friday night is Mama time – we could do whatever I wanted and needed to relax and get ready for the visit.  I thought that was just wonderful.  So we ate dinner a little early, made the bed, messed up the bed, then sat on the sofa and watched a comedy special on Netflix.  It was a lovely evening.  Now he and Evie Cat are snuggling and snoring together in bed.

I really enjoyed doing the guest post on Knocked Over By A Feather yesterday, so much that I’m going to start doing a regular piece for merbear.  It’ll be The Mental Girl’s Guide To…  different topics.  I’m trying to figure out now where to start.  I’m definitely open to suggestions kids – if you’ve got an idea, drop me a comment.  I’ve decided I like purposely being funny sometimes.  Who knew?

The Depakote still seems to be working quite well.  I got all 3 pills down last night without any problems.  I took them around 9, was asleep by 10 I think, and then popped out of bed at 5 this morning.  I feel very well rested and not the least bit anxious, which is well and truly awesome.  I’m also very much enjoying that I don’t have to take it with dinner, so I’m not tied to a specific meal time anymore.  I know that probably seems silly, but it’s amazingly liberating.  It’s the little things that keep me happy these days.

The moods seem to be settling down again.  I’m still rapid cycling, though not as rapid as it was earlier in the week.  I figured once the sleep situation got sorted out the rest of it would start to fall back in place.  I really am starting to feel like my old self again, so much so that I’m going to try to crochet some today.  I haven’t touched it in awhile now and that kind of makes me sad.  I’d like to get this piece finished and figure out what to move on to next.  So many projects, about to be so little time.  Summer school starts for me at the end of May.  I really probably should start figuring out christmas gift ideas and get to work on those.

time for tuesday

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bipolar disorder, crochet, life, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sleep, work

Morning kids, let’s get to it…

Yesterday turned out to be a fairly reasonable day.  I got a little frustrated with work and took it out on Josh for a few minutes, but it didn’t get too terrible.  We got everything straight and by the time he got home from work we were able to have a nice conversation and share a snack together.  He ended up getting done with class around 8 and was home in time to put me to bed.  That was quite nice.

Work is still kind of stressful, though getting better.  I’ve got most of the critical stuff done and out of the way and I’m moving on to things I need for the summer.  The last time sensitive thing I need to do is record a presentation for posting later this month.  I’m going to try to work on that this morning.  Then it’s time to see if I can get a new class put together.  I’m going to teach how to create infographics using PowerPoint.  Should be interesting.

I called shrinky-poo yesterday because the quality of my sleep is starting to suffer.  She suggested cutting off the caffeine even earlier in the day and then taking my Melatonin at 7 instead of 8.  I tried that last night and was asleep probably by 9, which was reasonable.  I’m just really hoping that she’s got some better answers for me next Tuesday.  This shit is getting tedious.

In other respects I feel pretty good.  Things are progressing at work, Josh and I are getting along most of the time, I got both of us registered for classes yesterday, and I’m staying on top of things at home.  I had to get him in summer classes and me in one for the fall semester.  I think he’s pissed though – I didn’t realize summer registration had already opened for him and by the time yesterday came all of the welding classes were completely full.  So I checked his catalog and found 2 other classes he needs for his degree and got him signed up for those.  It’s not really my responsibility to have to do this bullshit, so I don’t feel bad about it at all.

The crochet project is coming along nicely.  It’s been a long time since I’ve done this, but it’s coming back.  Filet crochet is just a method of making pictures with blocks of stitches.  It’s kind of like cross stitch but with crochet.  It’s actually really easy once you learn how to read the charts and you can do amazing things with it.  You almost always use thread and steel hooks for this – it’s kind of tiny.  I’m using size 10 thread – think kite string – and a size 7 hook.  Like I said – tiny.  But it should be beautiful once it’s finished and blocked.  I’ll try to take a picture soon now that it’s starting to look like something.  I went and left it at home today by mistake so I probably won’t get back to it until this evening while Josh is doing homework.

The moods seem to be fairly reasonable most of the time.  I seem to get frustrated super easy right now, but I suppose that’s to be expected.  I am able to work through my issues fairly easily right now which is a very good thing.  I’m really looking forward to my long weekend to get some time to really relax.  Mom and I are going for pedicures Friday morning which should be awesome.  I need to start working on my to do list for this weekend – there’s a ton of stuff I’d like to get done.

sick

Tags

crochet, knitting, sick

I started running a fever so bad this morning at work that my boss sent me home.  I was also sounding like the next time I coughed a lung was going to come up.  I’ve taken some cough syrup and spent my day on the sofa knitting and crocheting.  The shrug for the brat is almost done and I got good sweater progress made.

For Pen…