It’s been a weird day, but I can’t even really blame that for this mood. I think this has been brewing for awhile and it finally has time to come to a head. Bear with me, this could get weird…
I’ve been completely broken so many times over the last 7 years that I’ve lost count. Every time I break I try to gather up the pieces and put them back together as best I’m able to. The problem is, every time I break it feels like I lose some of the pieces. So now instead of being the whole human I was at 29, I’m most of a human. On your average day this is no big deal.
Today I feel every one of my missing pieces.
Perhaps this is a Bipolar thing, perhaps just a mental thing. I just feel like something is missing and I’m not sure what. Some would say I need to reaffirm my connection to the great spirit. Some would say it’s because I’ve never known the love a mother feels for her children. I would say that it feels like it’s time to make some sort of grand statement in my life.
I just have no idea what I need to say.
Josh has to go to school tonight, I know this. Part of me is pissed at him – how dare he go off and leave me like this? Yeah, never mind the fact that I started telling him he should be going to school from damn near the day we met. He’s getting an education and I’m sitting at home making fucking bunnies. It’s just not fair.
I can start my PhD program just about whenever I want to. I’ve got the program picked out, I know what needs to be done to get the ball rolling, I’m just not sure that’s it. And I’m really not sure I want to go another $50k in debt to find out I won’t get any more money at work.
In the past when I’ve gotten this “missing piece” feeling I’ve made a physical statement. I’ve done wild things with my hair and gotten new tattoos. That doesn’t necessarily feel right this time either.
I’m pretty sure Josh isn’t the problem. He and I were getting along fine until this morning when I chose to start shit. I take full responsibility for today being a tad more difficult than absolutely necessary. He’s going to school, I need to deal with that. Period.
So what to do… As soon as I finish the christmas crafting I can start something for myself, something interesting. I’ve got several patterns queued up that I’d love to get started on. Maybe a new piece for my wardrobe would make me feel better. There’s also some other craft stuff I’d like to try my hand at. Learning a new skill is always good.
I could also check out what kind of certificate programs I could work on at the community college Josh is attending. There’s bound to be some kind of computer something that would be interesting and worth the investment. That would get me out of the house on a regular basis, teach me something new, get me some more education at a price that’s manageable. I’m thinking maybe after my 1pm appointment this afternoon I’ll look into that.
I really am open to suggestions kids. What can I do that would help fill in the missing pieces? I know that some of those pieces I don’t want back – the constant need to have sex with random strangers, the cravings for alcohol, the need to spend money I don’t actually have – all of those things can stay in the trash where they belong. But I need to fill those holes with something worthwhile, something constructive, something meaningful.