highlights since last I babbled at y’all

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anxiety, divorce, friends, goals, life, limits, love, mental illness, stress, work

I did NOT get selected for a jury, thank DOG. The case involved alleged sexual assault of a young girl by her father. As soon as I heard that I had a very hard time not jumping up and ripping that guy to pieces with my bare hands. Apparently his lawyer sensed my hostility and everyone agreed that I was not an appropriate juror for that particular case.

But while I was at the court house I was able to file the papers for the divorce, at least most of them, and give the nice clerk my $157. I had neglected to have Josh sign something that said he’d been given copies of everything so I had to get him to come over this afternoon when he got done at work.

He’s still wearing his wedding ring.

In all other respects he’s still being the same shitstain I kicked out on July 2nd. So much so in fact that not even the paper towel sweatband he was wearing (because he hasn’t taken all of his shit with him which would include several way more appropriate, and comfortable, garments) made me feel bad for him. He looks bad. Really bad.

I, however, look fabulous according to all of my pals at work. I should, right? I mean, I’ve lost 250lbs since the last time they saw me. They all commented on how they’ve never seen me look this light and happy before, and the one gal has known me more than 14 years. So that was good. And I got to spend a little time redecorating a bit and rearranging some stuff.

Perhaps now life will start to settle. I’ll put the form in the mail tomorrow morning and once the court receives it my 60 day countdown clock starts. After the 60 days are up I call the clerk and find out when my court date is. On that day I’ll go back to the courthouse at my designated time with the rest of my paperwork, be sworn in, sit on the stand, answer the judge’s questions (which are just a rehash of what’s on the paperwork), and then it’ll be done. So hopefully sometime towards the end of September this will all be behind me.

On a much lighter note, I’ve been working on the shrug, I walked yesterday and today, and I’m in much better shape with the class I have scheduled for next Wednesday than I thought I’d be. Yay.

happy happy joy joy

Tags

divorce, family, friends, getting creative, life, limits, mental health, money, moods, stress

What a wonderful week it’s been! (no, oddly enough, that is NOT sarcasm)

Here’s a quick break down of what all has gone on, just in case you’ve been in a cave:

• got all of Josh’s stuff (well, at least 95%) moved out to the garage; he came and got a little more yesterday
• the divorce papers got ordered and delivered, I just need to take some stuff to a notary and sign them and then find time to get down to the court house to file
• the title for the Honda came and it will be sold, one way or another, TODAY
• me, who does not wear dresses as a rule, purchased 2 new dresses this week
• Mom and I saw “Inside Out” yesterday; lovely flick but definitely not a kid movie in my mind
• Mom helped me do a quick detail job on the Jeep and it looks tons better
• we went to 2 bead stores and a yarn shop
• I actually have strawberries on my plants in the garden and I’ve eaten 2 of them!!!
• we’re going to a bridal shower for my cousin today, should be fun
• I made myself new fridge magnets

That’s about it I guess. I’ve had a good time being off work but I’m pretty well ready to go back. I just hope I’m able to. I have to call tomorrow night to see if my group has been selected to actually report for jury duty Monday morning. I know it’s really not a big deal but I have a ton of stuff to do at work and I’d really like to just get back to it.

creating myself

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anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, family, friends, health, hypomania, kids, life, love, mental illness, moods, normal, sleep, stress

I’m not going to lie and say that this process I’m going through has been entirely easy. There’s been one hell of a lot of hard work getting the traces of him out of here so that I could start building my nest. It’s been a little difficult for me to get used to being able to make my own decisions again. But I haven’t had a single doubt that I did, and am doing, the right thing.

I chose the day I did because I knew that he would have a long weekend to try to start finding a place to stay, get some things, arrange transportation. That same span of time allowed me and Mom to do the overhaul in my living space. And now I have my week off work to get my sleep schedule back under control.

The first night I have no clue how I slept, other than like shit. Since then I’ve been having my Fitbit track my sleep. The second and third nights weren’t great either, and I was starting to get worried. Too many nights with no sleep can spell utter disaster for someone with Bipolar. Lack of sleep isn’t always a symptom of mania, it can also be a trigger. And I fucking HATE being manic.

But, praise the Almighty Ceiling Cat, I slept for 7 hours and 20 minutes last night.

So I think I’m going to be really alright. I’m finishing one of the last little projects I wanted to get done this morning. Yesterday Mom and I took my nieces to a natural history museum and hung out with some dinosaur bones, which they thought was super cool. And today we’re doing crafts. So yeah, I’m doing better. Loads better. Thanks for all the support kids, y’all rock.

who could I be today?

Tags

anxiety, divorce, family, friends, I have the best friends ever, life, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, sleep, starting over, stress, taking back my life

This has gone remarkably well, really. There are only a few of Josh’s things left in the house and those are only still here mostly because I’ve run out of room in the garage. I’ve spent the last two days removing his entire presence, including anything that reminded me of him in a way that hurt. I’ve gone to the Goodwill three times (all my stuff that he had been using but was never his) and I’ve cleaned out pretty well everything in my living area. I’ve also been able to rearrange things in a way that feels significant. I have a knitting / reading corner now that’s tucked out of the way but still quite convenient. There’s one piece of furniture left to remove and I’ve got someone coming for it later today.

Progress is a beautiful thing.

Josh never seemed to understand that he had choices, even right up to the end. He continues to be incredibly cruel about all of this. I’m trying not to play that game and Mom is helping immensely. He needed to come get some clean clothes on Friday because he didn’t take really anything with on Thursday. I told him that I would let Mom know he and his dad were coming, he asked if I’d be there, I said I hadn’t planned to because I didn’t want to upset him. His response? “It’s fine.” So I stayed in the house and Mom went and met them in the garage. I have no interest in that passive aggressive bullshit anymore.

She said he was amazed that I had done so much and taken obvious care with his possessions. I had washed all of his dirty laundry, folded everything, put things neatly in hampers or storage bins, anything I could find really. I have no desire to make this any more unpleasant for him that necessary and he just doesn’t seem to get that.

At any rate, sleeping was almost impossible the first two nights. Last night I decided to have the Fitbit track it for me and I got 5 1/2 hours. I know that’s an improvement. Still not as good as I really need, but an improvement. And I’m still trying to make healthy choices. I haven’t been exercising, per se, but I’ve definitely been active. By moving all of his things to the garage it feels like there’s been a huge emotional purge. The negative energy that surrounded the way he lived here with me is gone. This is truly my space now and I love it.

That’s not quite how it looks this morning, I ended up switching out the lamp for my Ikea star one, but close. That’s the knitting / reading corner. And the fireplace I haven’t been able use since I moved in. There is so much more room down here and the vibe is just totally different. It’s me.

I want to thank all of you for being so supportive through this. Mom and Wendy are keeping a pretty close eye on me to make sure I stay out of trouble, so don’t worry so much about that. The good vibes and prayers everyone has been sending really have helped. I am the strong woman you see before you because all of you are sharing your strength, and I love you for that. ❤

mental health thursday – a post in pictures

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anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, depression, family, friends, hypomania, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, normal, stress, stress management

top 10 Tuesday – mental health style

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alcohol, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, family, friends, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, money, moods, motivation, sick, stress, top 10 tuesday

I haven’t done a Top 10 Tuesday in awhile now, and I realized that it’s high past time. So, for today’s Mental Health style list I present for you my Top 10 Stupid Things I Did While Manic.

1. Had an affair with my husband’s best friend.
2. Bought an Infinity G35 for a guy I had met once.
3. Moved in with a guy I met in the Special Care Ward.
4. Had that schmuck’s name tattooed on my back.
5. Racked up $20k in credit card debt buying random crap. (I don’t have any of it anymore)
6. Became obsessed with a guy who lived in a different country and when shit didn’t go good with him I OD’d.
7. Pushed away damn near everyone who cared about me.
8. Had sex with any guy who was even remotely nice to me because in my mind (back then) sex = love.
9. Drank so much I honestly pickled my liver. (it has since recovered)
10. Made a 2 hour round trip twice a week for several weeks to visit another schmuck who was in the regional mental health facility. I was his chewing tobacco mule.

My life has not always been glorious or glamorous or even all that worth living. But I’ve been working on all of this for quite a while now, at least 5 years, and life is dramatically different. The majority of my debt these days is student loans from my Master’s degree. The name got covered up. The car got sold. I have a group of people who love me and, for some unknown reason, continue to put up with my bullshit.

All of that to say this…

Just because life sucks today doesn’t mean it will still suck tomorrow. Hang in there, keep fighting, keep pushing, you can totally do this. You will totally do this. I believe in you.

doing what I must (and not feeling all that good about it)

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, friends, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

This may (or may not) surprise you to learn but I don’t have a whole lot of real live friends who live near me. There are a few women I work with that are friends in a sense, but they aren’t people I hang out with outside of work. I have the girls from class, and one of them is an employee in another department so I think she and I will stay in contact past the semester, but no guarantees. Again, not really “hanging out” type friends. Most of my time gets spent with family when it gets spent with anyone.

But I do have F. I’ve known her for years and she’s currently the only other person I know who lives with similar mental illnesses. Her flavors are a little different and she’s on a completely different med regime, but there’s enough similarity to empathize. Sounds pretty awesome, yeah?

Not so much.

I haven’t said anything about it because, well, I guess because I figured there was nothing to say. We don’t hang out all that much because she lives about an hour from me, also works full time, and has kids. But I’ve been noticing a pattern that I guess I just don’t like.

She’s most likely to get in touch when she needs help and doesn’t want to be embarrassed in front of her other friends, when something goes wrong with her mental health, when she’s gotten shit on by the latest love interest (who’s name I never do get to know), and in general when I’m the last possible option.

I got a text yesterday around lunch saying that she’ll be in town seeing a musical on Saturday and really wanted to meet for dinner. I’ll be out of town doing a bus trip with Mom that day so then she wanted to know about last night. Nope, already had dinner plans. She wouldn’t say what was so urgent only that she just had to talk to me because I’m the only one who will understand. We made plans for tomorrow, plans that I’ve just cancelled.

I’ve got that big presentation to give in May and there’s no time to handle it at work now. Josh is at school tomorrow night and Mom is getting home late which means prime work time for me. I know if I met her, not until 6pm of course, that I’d never get home in time to take my meds and unwind so I could sleep. All I need right now is for my sleep schedule to get fucked up.

So part of me feels bad about this, but mostly not. She was all anxious to meet yesterday and now today it’s “no worries.” You’re right, totally not worrying about this any more.

afternoon update

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bipolar disorder, Evie Cat, family, friends, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, stress

Dr. Evie Cat prescribes two belly rubs and a box of bandaids

Just a little note to let y’all know how things have gone. I got a prescription from the dermatologist for an antibiotic that I hopefully won’t be allergic to and I went and saw T-Bone. I realized that I really did not like the way my innermost bits felt and that he’d be a good place to start. So we chatted, I bitched, and I feel a little less directionless now. Then I came home and Evie has been glued to my side, which isn’t all that odd. When she hears me cough at night she hops up on the bed to check on me. She’s a good little kitty.

Thank you all for the kind words and letting me kvetch a little this morning. Sometimes I need to whine and feel sorry for myself for a few minutes before I’m ready to kick my own ass. Tomorrow WILL be a better day.

sing along with Mama

Tags

alcohol, friends, getting creative, life, limits, meds, money, motivation, random shit that falls out of my brain, school

Tonight was Mexican night. I made chicken enchiladas and we finished off a bottle of margaritas. Jose is not much of a friend right now. But I thought I’d pop in with a tiny update.

Voila, the finished drawing. I’m pleased with how it came out. It will be uploaded soon to both Redbubble and Cafe Press.

This is technically the 4th new design this month which means my 28 Day Challenge was quite the success. I was very happy that the challenge gave me a kick in the ass to finally get everything setup on Cafe Press. I’m also quite pleased that I seem to be able to do a new design about once a week.

I ordered my birthday present this afternoon. I’m getting the Dressed to Kill skull design on a purple t-shirt from Redbubble. I thought that would be most fitting for me. Josh got me two new Lego mini-figs last night on his way home from school. And when I got to work this morning, Miss K had brought this for me…

She went to the Lego store in KC and put this little gal together just for me. She’s awesome.

There’s still much homework to be done in addition to all of the normal weekend crud, so I should probably go find myself some pills and call it a night.

the chocolate must die

Tags

friends, getting creative, life, moods, normal, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, work

Mom really and truly is the new designated Lego mini-fig procurement agent.

This has been a day almost entirely filled with goodness, rather like the dark chocolate raspberry creme I just ate. I did an interview with one of my favorite faculty friends this morning that turned out amazing, I got to spend some time going over a tool with another faculty friend, T and I did some planning for an event we’re doing together in April, and class was actually really interesting.

Oh, and my proposal to present at the tech conference thing in May was accepted.

The only bummer thing that happened was the underwire in my favorite (and only) black bra finally snapped today so I got to go around with an odd shaped boob all day. Eh, not like they’re big enough to notice.

My goal for the remainder of the evening is to see how much further I can get with my latest drawing.

I’m contemplating living dangerously – abandon the pencil and proceed with the marker. Why the hell not.