if only

Tags

bipolar disorder, divorce, family, hormones, kids, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, random shit that falls out of my brain, sex, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

When I was a younger person I really looked forward to the weekends.  Time away from school, then time away from work, time to party, time to catch up on rest…

Now, not so much.

Two weekends a month it’s just us – me and Mom and Josh.  Those weekends aren’t bad usually.  We run some errands, pick up the house, take care of the laundry, cook food that requires more than just heating up – good things.

But the other two weekends we have that infernal child and I’d really rather have dental work done without Novocaine.

A few minutes ago I got an email from the ex.  Apparently the brat has homework that’s to be done every fucking day – reading and math.  She’s getting terrible grades in math because she’s slow at it.  No clue what’s going on with her reading, it kind of sounds like this is something all of the kids have to do.  But since it’s “ever day” she’ll be having to do it while she’s with us this weekend.

I really don’t care.  I’ve got my own homework to do and my own things around the house to do and it sounds like Mom and I might go shopping a bit.  As far as I’m concerned, she and Josh can just do whatever the hell they want – I want no part of it.

It frustrates me to no end that Josh can admit to me that he doesn’t want her coming over anymore, yet he won’t say anything to anyone else.  He thinks people will think he’s a terrible father.  Dude, you’re not a “father” at all – you were a damn sperm donor!

Here’s how this works – if you aren’t fully prepared to be tethered to another human being for a MINIMUM of 18 years, you shouldn’t fucking reproduce.  Because of the brat he’ll have to deal with the ex until she’s 18.  And the brat herself will likely be in his life the rest of the time he’s on this planet, assuming of course he doesn’t find some way to completely fuck up and she walks away from him.

But Josh had no business having kids.  He and his ex were almost entirely irresponsible when the brat was born and they were both 30 already.  His parents divorced when he was 7 and neither were ever good to him.  His step parents weren’t good to him.  He never had any good role models for what parents are supposed to be like.  He just figured that kids were a good idea and the only way the ex would have kids was to get married, so they got married and within weeks they found out she was pregnant.  And within a year they got divorced.

The brat has never been cognizant of what it was like to have her mother and father live together.  Think about that for a minute.  Of course, up until the last year or so, she never knew her father sober.

Some people have NO BUSINESS breeding.

I was one of them.  I can’t hardly take care of myself sometimes.  I don’t like to pay my bills, I sometimes don’t want to eat, I’d rather hide out in my own little world than face reality.  Me, a mommy?  Fuck no.  So as soon as I got diagnosed, and had a “legitimate” reason, I had my tubes tied.  And then as soon as I had to come off the pill to control my cycles because I was old and liked to smoke, I had a partial hysterectomy.  No babies coming out of here.

I LOVE being an aunt.  The girls come over, we do stuff, we have sleep overs – and then they go home.  Grandma and Mommy can deal with temper tantrums and school work and not wanting to go to bed.  That ain’t my thing.

Where the hell was I going with all this?

Oh, weekends…

Here’s hoping I get through this one unscathed.

old dog, old tricks

Tags

alcohol, divorce, hormones, life, limits, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

I think I’ve mentioned that my mom has been on a kick to find the “perfect” Moscato wine.  She likes sweet wines, but can usually only drink about a glass out of the whole bottle.  Anymore I can’t even drink that much.  I’ve tried convincing Josh that wine really can be put back in the fridge to be enjoyed another day, but he usually doesn’t go for that.  So we keep these tasting events to the weekends and rarely does it happen both Friday and Saturday night.

Josh has been acting weird lately.  He ran out of his testosterone gel and didn’t tell me – because he doesn’t think it does anything.  We haven’t had sex for a few days so I don’t know if it’s impacting that yet, but he has been moody like a PMSing woman.  Friday it was really bad.  He and Mom had some wine, we watched some tv, I went to bed.

Yesterday we got up and decided we’d just run errands.  We had breakfast, hit the farmer’s market, went to Bed, Bath, & Beyond and got him some coffee pods, over to Kohl’s for a sweatshirt for Mom and some new clothes for Josh, Culver’s for lunch…  The whole day was full of that kind of stuff.  When we got home Josh ran back out to get Melatonin since we were out.  Mom and I were cleaning up some stuff in the back yard and found an empty wine bottle that shouldn’t have been there.

When Josh got home I setup a situation so that I could “find it” again in front of him.  He refused to apologize and insisted it wasn’t a big deal.  He well and truly doesn’t get that if he go back to drinking every night, I will throw his ass out so hard and fast that he bounces to the curb.

He still wouldn’t really talk to me last night.  He’s just convinced that I treat him like a child and I’m trying to control his life.  Hmm, if you act like you’re only 12, I’m going to fucking treat you like you’re only 12.

I went to bed around 9:30.  He said he was going up for one last cigarette – which is pretty typical.  I woke up at 11:15 and he was gone – still or again, I didn’t know.  I went to the back porch and he was sitting in the chair looking at something on his Nook and smoking.  There were no cups next to him, so I didn’t say anything and just came back in.  When he got down here, he was all over me – just like he’d be if he was drunk.

He’s still sleeping.  I’m not really sure what to do.

the definition of insanity

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, hormones, kids, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, school, sex, sleep, stress

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result every time.  See also:  common practices of Josh.

I started getting on him about doing homework on Wednesday.  Technical fail on his part, didn’t want to ask for help, evening wasted.  Thursday he claimed he was too tired.  Friday he insisted on sex and then did a very little bit, but totally wrong.  Saturday the brat was there.  I had hoped to be able to take her shopping to get out of the house so he could work for a bit, but he threw a temper tantrum about how I always leave him alone at the house and he never gets to go anywhere.  (I call total bullshit on that one.)  So then I got sick and sent him and the brat out alone to shop so I could be left in peace to die.  Nothing else done that night.  Sunday after he got home from dropping her off he again wanted sex so he didn’t get started with anything until after dinner.  He wrote one paragraph.  He’s supposed to be turning in a rough draft of this 4 page paper by tomorrow night.  And he’s in class tonight until at least 8.

Yeah.

I told him that what he’s been doing obviously isn’t working so he needs to think about doing something else.  I got jumped on for that.  Actually I get jumped on for most things these days.  He has almost no patience with anyone, least of all me.  I ended up so pissed off at him and the kid Sunday afternoon that I went to the grocery store BY MYSELF while they watched some lousy ass movie together.  I had reached the point that if I didn’t physically remove myself from their presence that it was going to get ugly.

He’s been telling me more lately how uncomfortable he is around her and how he doesn’t really enjoy having her come over.  But you should have seen the look on his face when I reminded him that there’s no court order saying he has to have these visits – you’d have thought I was suggesting he bury her in a shallow grave in the desert.  Seriously dude, you’re not enjoying this, I’m pretty sure she’s not enjoying it, I sure as fuck don’t enjoy it – why in the name of all that is holy should we all be tortured like this?

Whatever, I know nothing.

And he tells me last night that every woman he’s ever had in his life has been EXACTLY the same – we all tell him we want one thing but when we get it we change our minds, nothing he does is ever good enough for any of us, and all we ever want to do is harass him about his life.  ALL OF US.  Then this morning he has the balls to tell me that I’m the best woman ever.  Right, the best.  I’m gonna call bullshit again.

I may well be starting to go through menopause.  I seem to be having issues getting my internal thermostat under control at night, and sex just really sounds like a whole lot of effort for very little return these days.  My mom was fairly young when she went through it, though not quite this young.  Having had the hysterectomy could be throwing that off, not sure.  If shit doesn’t settle in the next few days, I’m seeking help.  Actually, I’m seeking help anyway.  It’s that time of year for me to get a regular old physical with my GP.

Anyway, I’m tired.  We had a rough time last night getting the tiny bit of shit done.  He’s fighting this all the way and I’m sick of it.  I agree with him that the class is bunk, but he needs it for the degree.  His best bet is to suck it up and just do it, but that’s not how he works.  So we had harsh words, right before bed.  Then he left the light on.  Apparently he couldn’t get comfortable because I kept getting woke up to an elbow in the face.  At 5am when the THREE alarms went off – one of them the fucking dueling banjos from Deliverance – I got up.  I got myself ready for work, said goodbye, and left.  I’m not in the mood for this today.

let’s try this again

Tags

bipolar disorder, hormones, kids, knitting, life, limits, love, mania, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, sex, sleep, stress, work

I survived the weekend.  Only barely, but I survived.  We’ll count that as a win.

Shrinky-poo had me increase my Geodon by 60mg/night, putting me at a total of 160mg.  Like an idiot I thought I’d help that along Friday night by having a jumbo margarita when we went out for dinner.  Belly full of tequila and Mexican food does not make for a restful evening.  Saturday was strained.  I kind of slept better Saturday night, but still not super.  Last night I finally got a respectable amount of sleep and I finally feel mostly human again.

Friday was just a really odd day.  Josh and I finally got moving and took our shower and then ran to the mall to pick up the new battery for his phone.  The phone is shot.  The battery worked until it was drained and now he can’t get it to charge again.  I think he’s considering taking the whole damn thing apart to attempt to fix it.  It’s toast anyway so why not.

After the mall we went to a leather craft shop and got a starter kit.  Josh has been talking about doing this for awhile and since we had the time we thought we’d go look.  I’m very intrigued.  He did 2 small projects yesterday and they turned out pretty good.  I’m thinking this will be a nice hobby for him to have.

In the afternoon Josh got called to do some paperwork for a potential new job.  I went to see the GYN.  She said there’s nothing that can be done about my utter lack of sex drive as I’m way too young to go on hormone replacement therapy.  Delightful.  She said Josh will just have to work harder if he really wants it.

So Saturday morning we tried and it lasted all of 30 seconds.  Truly terrible.  I was in a pretty foul mood all day because of it.  We had to go out to dinner with his mom in the evening.  I really don’t care for her.  She doesn’t seem to be interested in anyone but herself.  I tried telling her about going to school and she wasn’t interested in hearing about it at all.

Sunday I spent almost the entire morning in front of my sun lamp, and I think that’s what got me to sleep last night finally.  I moved the lamp up to our sun room and sat in the chair and knit on Mom’s sock while Josh and the brat did their stuff at the dining room table.  It worked pretty well.  The sock is just about done – maybe another 2″ to go.

I need to figure out what project is up next.  I didn’t end up making any lists the other day, I just couldn’t be bothered to do much.  That’s the thing that really sucks about getting manic – you get all of these great ideas but you can’t follow through on any of them.  It’s very frustrating.

So anyway, I’m back at work this morning.  I’m trying to go through all of my email and stuff and figure out what needs to be addressed first.  I’m hoping for a fairly normal day with no drama.  The only icky thing I have to do is go to the dentist this afternoon for another filling.  I’m just hoping that goes well and doesn’t hurt too much.

Josh is still pretty sure he’s going to get fired.  This last time they wrote him up the paper said that it was a final warning.  Hopefully this other place he’s trying to get on with will call him today with an offer.  I can’t really handle any more drama for awhile.

all about the sex – AGAIN

Tags

bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, hormones, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, sex, stress

I never should have answered the phone when he called at lunch.  WHEN WILL I LEARN????

He’s wanting sex again, as soon as I come home from work.  He says he “owes” it to me since he couldn’t get it up Monday night.  No, you don’t owe me anything and I’d just as soon take a pass, thanks anyway.  But no, I’m supposed to come home horny and get right to it.

Nevermind that I didn’t get enough sleep last night and am grumpy.  Nevermind that he’s barely talked to me today.  Nevermind that I just don’t get horny anymore.  Nevermind that I have absolutely no interest in even seeing him naked let alone in touching him.  No, nevermind all of that and let’s just fuck.

I don’t get it.  He knows I’m not that into sex anymore.  He knows I don’t get horny like I used to – hell, I don’t get horny at all.  He knows I’m not having a very good day.  But what he thinks he knows is that sex will cheer me up faster than any drug out there.  And he’s right – if he can badger me into doing it the sex will bring me out of this funk.

What if I like this funk?  What if I’d prefer to let my moods run their course without external alterations?  What if I’m tired of him constantly thinking he has to fix this shit?

I don’t want to run the risk of another spectacular failure.  It just fucking kills me when that happens.  I feel utterly undesirable and worthless and fat and disgusting and like I have no sex appeal at all.  It isn’t usually my fault and I know this in hindsight, but when it happens I just *know* that it’s all because of me and if I was more of a woman it wouldn’t happen.  If I was skinny and pretty and sexy it wouldn’t happen.

I quite literally dread sex anymore.  Even with the fucking Androgel it’s still a crap shoot as to whether or not he’ll be able to get an erection.  Even if he does get the erection he doesn’t always get an orgasm.  And then I feel like a total failure.  I don’t need that right now.  But there are no guarantees in this life and so if I do it I take a chance of having it fail.  I’d rather just not take the chance anymore.

And the fact that he’s barely talked to me today is just killing me.  He’s working on the floor and can’t text between breaks at all.  I get like 5 minutes of his time when he has a break and that’s it.  He generally uses that time to bitch about his job or the weather.  Lunch was more of the same.  The only thing different there was me making the mistake of asking what he wants to do tonight and thus starting the whole unpleasant sex discussion.  Which of course went nowhere.

I don’t even want to go home, and that’s happening more and more often these days.  I just don’t want to deal with it.  And if I don’t want to have sex he makes me feel guilty about it so it’s like it’s just easier to pretend and go along with it than try to tell him no.  But I don’t enjoy it anymore, not at all.  It’s a chore.  I try to get it done and over with as quickly as possible.  But then he pulls this “you gotta have one before I do” bullshit so I end up having to fake an orgasm just to get him to finish and leave me alone.  And then I have to pretend that it was really good and that I’m in this super good mood because of it.

Sex used to be just about the only thing I ever thought about.  Josh and I had sex damn near every day, right after work.  But then I had my hysterectomy and we had to go an entire 6 weeks without sex and I kind of lost my taste for it.  I guess I got him trained to want it every day back before the surgery.  I don’t know.  All I know is that I’m not anywhere near as into it as I once was and he doesn’t seem to understand that.

I really wish he hadn’t talked me into getting him the Androgel.  I know that’s part of what’s making him horny all the time.  In some ways he feels like a teenager again and wants to be able to fuck like one.  Only his dick doesn’t always work and that just fucking kills me.

I don’t know what to do.  He’s off work in 10 minutes and will likely start texting me.  The last thing I told him was to be naked when I got home so that we could hurry up and get this over.  I guess we’ll see how it goes.

Any advice on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated.

on the road to recovery

Tags

alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, christmas, crochet, friends, hormones, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, motivation, normal, sex, sleep, stress, therapy

It’s gearing up to be a busy week.  I’ve got a special class to give today over lunch, a customer to assist tomorrow morning, a small demonstration to give Wednesday morning, and 3 medical appointments.  Can’t really say as I’m looking forward to any of it, but it must be done.

The weekend turned out pretty good, all things considered.  I got quite a bit of stuff done, kept my cool the whole time, and got to spend some really good time with Josh.  It was definitely a win.

I finished a batch of peanut brittle, a batch of toffee brittle, dipped pretzels, shortbread cookies, a bunny, all of the chores, and made the soaps to finish the christmas presents for the ladies.  I feel really good about getting all of that done.  I wish I’d been able to make more progress on the second bunny, but I do still have a little time.  I’m thinking maybe tonight I can get back to her.  I am still going to try to get 4 more done by next Monday.  Since Josh will be at school tomorrow night I should have adequate time to make some good progress.

I’m really looking forward to next weekend.  Gemma and I finalized our plans for our christmas gathering.  Josh and I are heading to her house on Saturday for dinner and presents and I’m thinking maybe games or something.  At any rate, it’s been far too long since I’ve had that kind of social gathering and I’m really more than ready for it.

I’ve got to say, I’m also really pleased that Josh talked me into taking him to the doc to see about the testosterone supplements.  It’s made a huge difference in our love life, and I’m very much enjoying it.  Things have been so good lately that I find myself really looking forward to the next time we get to spend that kind of time together.  Not entirely sure if I’d say my sex drive has fully returned, but it’s definitely getting there.  I am going to ask my GYN on Wednesday is there’s something that can easily be done to boost my drive, but I’m encouraged that it’s kind of coming back on its own.

I’ve got a therapy appointment scheduled for this afternoon and I have to say, I really don’t want to go.  I can’t really afford it and I’m not sure what all we’d talk about.  Things with Josh seem to be going quite well right now.  I suppose I really should go and tell him that I feel like things are better and that I probably will stop going again for awhile.  I know I can always call him if I need him, and that’s comforting.  I just have so many other things I’d rather be doing with that time right now.

The one appointment I’m really not looking forward to this week is Friday – shrinky-poo.  I’m really kind of concerned that she’s going to try to push another med, and I definitely don’t want that right now.  I feel like I’ve finally figured out how to appropriately deal with all of this mess that’s going on and I don’t need more chemicals in the mix to potentially fuck things up again.  Plus I know she’s going to harass me about why I’m still with Josh.  What can I say, I really do still love him.  And now that I’ve figured out how to deal with him, things are going much smoother.

I wish I hadn’t been so incredibly stubborn these last few months.  All it really took was adjusting my frame of mind and now everything seems easier.  And the better I am about my responses to Josh, the better he responds back and the easier it is to be decent.  I really wish y’all could have been flies on the wall this weekend – it was amazing the difference between us.  He speaks more gently, flirts all the time, and is quite affectionate.  And he’s funny, oh my god, is that man ever funny!  I’ve been so uptight for so long that I had been ignoring how much fun he is to be with when he’s relaxed.  And the more relaxed I am, the more relaxed he is, and the better the time we have together is.  It’s truly amazing.

And he’s sober.  Well and truly, SOBER.  He’s not hiding it, he didn’t joke about it this weekend, he hasn’t asked for it since last week.  He admitted to me yesterday that he really does feel better now that he’s not drinking anymore.  He doesn’t complain about his body aching all the time because it isn’t anymore.  He did say he’s looking forward to New Year’s Eve, but in all honesty, so am I.

The mood has been entirely unremarkable other than I’d have to say it’s been level.  I haven’t really had anything other than normal fluctuations since I had the panic attack last week.  And not having to deal with all of that drama has made me feel better.  I’m still getting random headaches now and then, but I’m not too worried about it as they don’t ever seem to get as severe as they used to.  And, probably the best part – I only took 1 Melatonin last night and slept pretty damn well.  I got up once to use the bathroom but then fell right back asleep.  It was wonderful.

 

consequences

Tags

bipolar disorder, choices, hormones, kids, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, motivation, normal, sleep, stress, work

For every action, there is a reaction.  For every choice, there is a consequence.  Choose wisely and you will be rewarded.

I chose not to be bitchy yesterday.  I’m not going to lie and say that it was all easy – it wasn’t.  But every time something happened where I had to make a choice, I chose to take the high road and be pleasant.  I was richly rewarded because of this.

The day ended up being superb.  I had a great time at work, things with Josh went smoothly, and I felt awesome.  When I got home Josh asked me again about having sex.  I pointed out that he’d made the choice not to give me what I had asked for, so there was no reason to think I would give him what he asked for.  Since this is the first time I’ve done this I felt as though the “good girl” thing to do was give him another chance.  He chose better and we were both rewarded.  The testosterone has definitely made an improvement and I enjoyed myself immensely.

This morning there are more choices.  He is not really choosing well, but I’m doing my best to be patient again.  He’ll either learn how to do this appropriately or I will choose to remove him from the situation.  It really is just as simple as that.

I feel much more in control of my life right now than I have in a very long time, and that’s a wonderful feeling.  I finally feel like I’m starting to really live again and not just exist.  It may seem like a very subtle difference, but for me it’s significant.

My health is still a little shaky, but I’m working on it.  I only took 2 prednisone yesterday and again this morning.  Last night I was able to sleep with just 2 Benadryl and 1 Melatonin.  I’m hoping to be able to get back to only needing 1 Melatonin by next week.  Sleep is crucial for me so I’m being very careful about it.  The rash has not returned at all, though I do have a few spots that itch a bit.  I’m thinking those spots are now legitimately just dry skin and nothing to be concerned about.  I am still experiencing the sweaty hands and feet, but I feel confident that once I’m completely off the prednisone that this will go away.

I’m still not entirely sure what to make of the mood situation.  I feel alright, just not particularly great or terrible.  I think I’ve been so accustomed to the extremes lately that spending time in the middle ranges feels like nothing.  I’m going to take this as good – having normal moods is something I’ve worked towards for a very long time now.  I figure I might as well get used to it and enjoy it while I’m able to.  While I miss the elated feelings of hypomania, I definitely do not miss the depths of the depression.  Being just a little happy or a little sad during the day is a very good thing I think.

We’re having our team holiday celebration today.  I’d like to say I’m looking forward to it, but if I’m to be honest, I’d rather just stay here and relax by myself.  I’m not terribly good at making small talk and, even though I enjoy my colleagues, I’m not feeling very sociable today.  I know it’ll be alright and that I’ll make it through just fine, I just wish I could have a legitimate reason to take a pass this time.

I’m really hoping that I can continue to make the good choices and have a good weekend.  We’re getting Josh’s daughter tomorrow morning and I’m not exactly looking forward to it.  She really does know how to try my patience and I’m not sure at this point what my reserves really hold.  Fortunately this will be a short visit since we have to drop her off early on Sunday for her skating practice.  I’m just not really looking forward to any visit at all.  I’ve got things I’d rather do tomorrow than babysit a mouthy child.

I have come to the conclusion that I feel better when I have little goals I’m working towards.  I think the fact that I have kept up with making the weekly to do lists has been one of the few things to save me lately.  While I was waiting to talk to Josh before getting in the shower this morning I started the list for this weekend.  It’s not much yet, but I think it should help.

is it over yet?

Tags

divorce, hormones, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, sex, sleep, stress, when good meds go bad, work

I told Josh I’m leaving him.

I don’t really think he believes me as all he’s saying is “stop.”  Not quite sure what that means, but I’m done.  We had a thoroughly nasty fight over lunch and I’m just tired of all this.  He says I’m treating him like shit and that it’s all my fault.  Seriously?  Yeah, it’s my fault he can’t get an erection and that this upsets me.  Totally my fault.

I know I’m probably not behaving the best right now, but come on – I’m sort of sick and I’ve got the whole not sleeping thing going on, plus I’ve got the hormones to deal with, and he hasn’t exactly been nice to me lately.  I think maybe I’m at least a tiny bit justified in being bitchy.  Maybe?

Anyway, I have no idea what’s going to happen now.  I really am ready for this all to be over.  At lunch he just kept telling me that tonight everything will be fine – his junk will work, we’ll have good sex, it’ll be a good night.  But he can’t give any kind of guarantees for any of that and so I want no part of it.

I’m tired of feeling like a goddamn yo-yo, with all the up and then down and then up and then down bullshit.  It’s fucking exhausting.  I need to be concentrating on my job and my health right now, neither of which I really can concentrate on because of all the fucking drama with him.

I’ve got a call in to the doc’s office to find out just how to taper off the prednisone faster.  I need this shit out of my system as soon as possible.  I’ve reached the conclusion that there is NO WAY IN HELL I can survive 12 days of this shit.

I’ve been trying to do some things around the office to keep myself busy.  This morning I’ve gone through the last year’s worth of a training trade magazine and marked articles that I want to scan and share with my colleagues.  There’s also one that I think might be good to share with the faculty.  It was kind of mindless but still semi-productive, so I figured it was a worthwhile thing to do.  Not sure how I’ll spend the afternoon yet.

The secretary for my therapist is totally worth her weight in gold – she called this morning to let me know that T-bone had an opening on Wednesday after work that she thought I might want.  Absolutely!  I had one scheduled for next week already, just nothing this week so far.  I might feel like it would be ok to cancel the one next week, just not sure yet.  I told her to leave both on the books for now.

swiftly going downhill

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, hormones, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, sleep, stress, when good meds go bad

None of the things I tried to help me sleep worked.  I was awake almost all night and I feel like shit.  And on top of everything else, it appears I’m having my monthly hormone cycle.  Kill me now.

I’d actually gotten myself to the point where I was looking forward to having sex.  Josh did flirt a little when he got home and we took a shower together.  And then he couldn’t keep an erection.  Seriously?  Isn’t that part of why I went through all the trouble to get him the testosterone?  I realize it takes awhile to work, but it had been a week since we’d had sex, so I guess I just figured it should work even better than usual.  Apparently not.

So now we’re fighting.  Just what I didn’t need on a Monday morning.

I kept crying yesterday, apparently because of the hormones.  I know I’m bitchier than usual, but I don’t really feel like I can control that.  Josh is being super nasty and that never helps.  I’m not sure what to do now.  I sent one last nasty text and now I bet I don’t hear anything the rest of the day.  That’s fine, I don’t really want to deal with that shit anyway.

I don’t seem to itch anymore, which is good.  I just wish I knew if it was because of the allergy pill or because of the steroids.  I’d really like to taper myself off the steroids, but I don’t want to run the risk of this getting worse again.  I just took today’s dose, hoping against hope that taking it earlier will make it a little easier tonight.  I’ve got a total of 12 days of this and I’m not entirely sure I can make it that long.

It seems like all I ever do is talk to Josh and try to explain to him how I feel and what’s going on, but he never really listens to me and he never talks back to me.  I have no idea how he feels or what’s going on his head.  He just doesn’t share those things.  About the only thing he’ll tell me is when I’m really annoying him.  That’s not good.

I’m back to the place where I feel like the best thing to do is remove him from the picture.  And that’s sad because this weekend I had been feeling like we were finally making some progress and getting our relationship back to a good place.  Now…  Now I just don’t know if it’s really worth the continued effort.  It felt like I was finally starting to see a return on the investment I’ve been making the last 3 years, but now I feel like it’s just all going to blow up in my face again.

The mood is terrible.  I kind of feel like I want to cry again, but since I’m at work I don’t really feel like that’s a good idea.  Not really sure what I should do.  I already smoked, and I’ll probably go do that again in just a bit, but I can’t keep hiding out on the dock.  There are things I should be doing, I just don’t really have any energy or motivation.  And I’m already dreading going home.  Tonight will likely be another waste of time for me.  More time spent trying to stuff my feelings and be a good girl when all I really want to do is cry and yell and hit things.

I’m getting really frustrated by ALL of this.  Just when I think things with Josh will get better, something happens with my health to throw us into a tail spin.  When my health gets better, something happens with the relationship.  When something happens with the relationship, my health deteriorates.  It’s a viscous cycle that never seems to end.  I can’t get to the place where I’m both healthy and happy at the same time anymore.

And he never seems to do the “right” thing for me.  Even when I was crying yesterday, he just looked at the tears running down my face and did NOTHING.  He barely touched me, hardly kissed me, and only when I said something did he try to hold me.  I know I’m not all that interested in sex most of the time anymore, but I’d been talking to him about it all day and had seriously gotten myself to the point where I was very much looking forward to it.  And then it failed, spectacularly.  I know I was rotten to him this morning, but I’m hurting.  He knows goddamn good and well that I’m hurting and yet he does NOTHING to make me feel better.

So here I sit, waiting and wondering.  Was the last message I sent harsh enough to finally push him away for good?  Will he even try to contact me again today?  Will I arrive home to an empty room?  Do I even really care anymore?

but wait, there’s MORE

Tags

hormones, incompetent nurses, meds, stupid husbands

I guess my husband is dumber than I thought.  He went to the bookstore without his schedule and was shocked to find he couldn’t get his book.  SERIOUSLY?!?!?

AND, there’s a generic testosterone replacement med that runs TWENTY DOLLARS a month and that’s the price without any insurance.

I really quite literally cannot wait to go back to work tomorrow.