quickie update

Tags

divorce, getting healthy, goals, health, life, limits, love, moods, motivation, not gonna go there anymore, recipes, smoothie recipe, stress

Josh has known about this blog for a very long time but, I had thought, didn’t read it unless I asked him to. Apparently since I kicked him out he’s been reading. Last night I got a super nasty little text from him about some things I said in last night’s post. (immediately after one where he sent me a text kiss) Anyway, because of that there will be no more talk of him. No sense adding fuel to the fire.

Moving on…

Day three of getting up and on the treadmill and I’m drinking a healthy little smoothie for breakfast. Here’s my standard recipe:

• 1 C frozen fruit
• 1 single serving container of yogurt, I tend to go for either Greek or low carb in a flavor that goes well with the fruit
• 1 C lowfat milk, you could use a non-dairy milk if you prefer

Toss all of that in a blender and kill it. This makes the perfect size serving for me and in this terrible heat we’re having right now it’s a lovely light way to start the day.

What’s your favorite quick healthy breakfast?

 

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highlights since last I babbled at y’all

Tags

anxiety, divorce, friends, goals, life, limits, love, mental illness, stress, work

I did NOT get selected for a jury, thank DOG. The case involved alleged sexual assault of a young girl by her father. As soon as I heard that I had a very hard time not jumping up and ripping that guy to pieces with my bare hands. Apparently his lawyer sensed my hostility and everyone agreed that I was not an appropriate juror for that particular case.

But while I was at the court house I was able to file the papers for the divorce, at least most of them, and give the nice clerk my $157. I had neglected to have Josh sign something that said he’d been given copies of everything so I had to get him to come over this afternoon when he got done at work.

He’s still wearing his wedding ring.

In all other respects he’s still being the same shitstain I kicked out on July 2nd. So much so in fact that not even the paper towel sweatband he was wearing (because he hasn’t taken all of his shit with him which would include several way more appropriate, and comfortable, garments) made me feel bad for him. He looks bad. Really bad.

I, however, look fabulous according to all of my pals at work. I should, right? I mean, I’ve lost 250lbs since the last time they saw me. They all commented on how they’ve never seen me look this light and happy before, and the one gal has known me more than 14 years. So that was good. And I got to spend a little time redecorating a bit and rearranging some stuff.

Perhaps now life will start to settle. I’ll put the form in the mail tomorrow morning and once the court receives it my 60 day countdown clock starts. After the 60 days are up I call the clerk and find out when my court date is. On that day I’ll go back to the courthouse at my designated time with the rest of my paperwork, be sworn in, sit on the stand, answer the judge’s questions (which are just a rehash of what’s on the paperwork), and then it’ll be done. So hopefully sometime towards the end of September this will all be behind me.

On a much lighter note, I’ve been working on the shrug, I walked yesterday and today, and I’m in much better shape with the class I have scheduled for next Wednesday than I thought I’d be. Yay.

creating myself

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, family, friends, health, hypomania, kids, life, love, mental illness, moods, normal, sleep, stress

I’m not going to lie and say that this process I’m going through has been entirely easy. There’s been one hell of a lot of hard work getting the traces of him out of here so that I could start building my nest. It’s been a little difficult for me to get used to being able to make my own decisions again. But I haven’t had a single doubt that I did, and am doing, the right thing.

I chose the day I did because I knew that he would have a long weekend to try to start finding a place to stay, get some things, arrange transportation. That same span of time allowed me and Mom to do the overhaul in my living space. And now I have my week off work to get my sleep schedule back under control.

The first night I have no clue how I slept, other than like shit. Since then I’ve been having my Fitbit track my sleep. The second and third nights weren’t great either, and I was starting to get worried. Too many nights with no sleep can spell utter disaster for someone with Bipolar. Lack of sleep isn’t always a symptom of mania, it can also be a trigger. And I fucking HATE being manic.

But, praise the Almighty Ceiling Cat, I slept for 7 hours and 20 minutes last night.

So I think I’m going to be really alright. I’m finishing one of the last little projects I wanted to get done this morning. Yesterday Mom and I took my nieces to a natural history museum and hung out with some dinosaur bones, which they thought was super cool. And today we’re doing crafts. So yeah, I’m doing better. Loads better. Thanks for all the support kids, y’all rock.

who could I be today?

Tags

anxiety, divorce, family, friends, I have the best friends ever, life, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, sleep, starting over, stress, taking back my life

This has gone remarkably well, really. There are only a few of Josh’s things left in the house and those are only still here mostly because I’ve run out of room in the garage. I’ve spent the last two days removing his entire presence, including anything that reminded me of him in a way that hurt. I’ve gone to the Goodwill three times (all my stuff that he had been using but was never his) and I’ve cleaned out pretty well everything in my living area. I’ve also been able to rearrange things in a way that feels significant. I have a knitting / reading corner now that’s tucked out of the way but still quite convenient. There’s one piece of furniture left to remove and I’ve got someone coming for it later today.

Progress is a beautiful thing.

Josh never seemed to understand that he had choices, even right up to the end. He continues to be incredibly cruel about all of this. I’m trying not to play that game and Mom is helping immensely. He needed to come get some clean clothes on Friday because he didn’t take really anything with on Thursday. I told him that I would let Mom know he and his dad were coming, he asked if I’d be there, I said I hadn’t planned to because I didn’t want to upset him. His response? “It’s fine.” So I stayed in the house and Mom went and met them in the garage. I have no interest in that passive aggressive bullshit anymore.

She said he was amazed that I had done so much and taken obvious care with his possessions. I had washed all of his dirty laundry, folded everything, put things neatly in hampers or storage bins, anything I could find really. I have no desire to make this any more unpleasant for him that necessary and he just doesn’t seem to get that.

At any rate, sleeping was almost impossible the first two nights. Last night I decided to have the Fitbit track it for me and I got 5 1/2 hours. I know that’s an improvement. Still not as good as I really need, but an improvement. And I’m still trying to make healthy choices. I haven’t been exercising, per se, but I’ve definitely been active. By moving all of his things to the garage it feels like there’s been a huge emotional purge. The negative energy that surrounded the way he lived here with me is gone. This is truly my space now and I love it.

That’s not quite how it looks this morning, I ended up switching out the lamp for my Ikea star one, but close. That’s the knitting / reading corner. And the fireplace I haven’t been able use since I moved in. There is so much more room down here and the vibe is just totally different. It’s me.

I want to thank all of you for being so supportive through this. Mom and Wendy are keeping a pretty close eye on me to make sure I stay out of trouble, so don’t worry so much about that. The good vibes and prayers everyone has been sending really have helped. I am the strong woman you see before you because all of you are sharing your strength, and I love you for that. ❤

changes

Tags

anxiety, divorce, family, life, limits, love, moods, sleep, stress, taking my life back, the world is full of fucking idiots

I slept alone in my bed for the first time in 4 years. I suppose the actual truth is that I laid in bed alone for 5 hours, sleeping a little, for the first time in 4 years. The important thing is that I did it.

Yesterday was HARD. Josh was a significant part of my life for a considerable amount of time so there’s history, and sometimes history is difficult to walk away from. But I stuck to my convictions, spoke my piece, tried my best to fight fair, and defended myself. He showed his true colors and it wasn’t near as hard to put him out as it could have been. In all honesty, I think Evie misses him more than I do.

The rather daunting task ahead of me now is to gather all of his stuff, which doesn’t amount to a whole hell of a lot, so that he can come get it. I didn’t let him have the Honda and I insisted that he not sleep here last night. He didn’t leave until after 10 because he couldn’t find anyone willing to both let him stay the night and come fetch him. Burning bridges is not a wise thing to do.

Anyway, I wanted to let y’all know that I’m alright and that it (finally) went (mostly) according to plan.

what the hell is that smell?

Tags

anxiety, becoming me, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, divorce, family, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, sick, sleep, stress, taking back control of my life, the world is full of fucking idiots

No matter how many times you try to polish it, a turd is still just a turd. Oddly enough, it’s taken me more than 5 years to realize this. Probably more than that in all honesty, but 5 years for this particular instance.

I’m really mostly a kind, gentle soul that doesn’t like hurting anyone for any reason. As T-bone described it earlier, beneath my hard as nails exterior is a gooey marshmallow center. That is totally true, most of the time.

But we all have our limits and I’ve reached mine.

This blog wasn’t around when Josh and I started dating, which is really a good thing. There was a blog, under a different name, and it’s since been deleted. By me. I was just coming out of the worst stretch of my life in regards to my mental health and I was a little bit beyond batshit crazy.

But I did a year of DBT, I went through even more therapy after that, kept taking my meds like a good kid, and doing all the stuff the doc said to do. And because of all that hard work and the support of some amazing folks, I haven’t seen the inside of an ambulance, an ICU, or a psych ward since February 2010. Totally proud of that.

Since that time I’ve finished a Master’s degree, started and finished a graduate certificate (got a 4.0GPA on it, too), taught myself to knit sweaters and socks, learned to draw, and I’ve been ridiculously stable.

None of that actually has a fucking thing to do with Josh. Not a bit. In that same span of time he finally quit drinking every night, enrolled in some classes at the community college where he is doing the bare minimum to get by, and has maybe quit smoking. Possibly. But according to him everything good that happens is because of him and everything shitty is because of me. It’s a pretty typical mess one encounters with a pending divorce.

Fights between two people who have mental illnesses like we do and are also incredibly fucking stubborn are just nuts. We try to out-stubborn the other, we say truly shitty things, and there is not an iota of tenderness. It’s all out warfare and I’m sick of it.

I’m taking the blame for it because that seems the easiest way to just shut him the hell up. I’ve already taken some steps to take control of my life, something I haven’t entirely had in a very long time, like maybe ever. I’m reclaiming my preferred persona everywhere I can. So I will likely be making some massive overhauls here and in all areas of my life, and I might be away for a few days. Thank you for the love and support you’ve shown me, recently and always. Y’all mean oodles to me.

so much to tell you

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, divorce, goals, health, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, stress

I’m not really even sure where to begin, which isn’t like me. So let’s see…

I did walk on Friday, only 10 minutes, but still. And my total for the week in terms of weight loss was one pound. I’ll take it.

Josh had the appointment with the cardiologist Friday afternoon. He almost certainly has blockages in his heart and his legs. On Monday he goes in for a scan of his legs and then on Wednesday they’ll do an angiogram. Not sure what they’ll find or when he’ll come home. I honestly don’t think it matters. He isn’t taking any of this seriously and I’ve decided I really don’t care. If he doesn’t love me enough to take care of himself then there’s no point in worrying about any of this.

Mom and I went shopping today, as per our usual Saturday morning fun. We did the big farmer’s market downtown, Kohl’s, Barnes & Noble, and Hallmark. She had some wicked good coupons at Kohl’s and gave them to me so I ended up with a swimming outfit for $1.06. It’s really workout shorts and a tank top that should be alright in the water and will cover the truly unsightly bits on my legs.

This afternoon I got the sewing done on the black and white vest. WOOT! I still need to trim the threads and clean up a few rough edges, but it’s essentially done. I am so fucking excited to see the ass end of that project. The knit shrug is coming along nicely as well, I’m thinking maybe tonight I’ll get to spend a little time with it. Although, maybe not, because…

MENTALTOASTER is a thing! My friend got the URL registered, WordPress is installed, and now we’re working on some final details and what it should look like. My intention is for it to be a positive place where anyone wanting to get or give support on nutritional/health type issues can go, particularly if that person also has mental health issues. I will definitely let y’all know when everything is live and ready to roll.

a glimpse of friday

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, cat watching television, cleaning is a coping skill, Elsa riding a T-rex, family, kids, life, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, nothing like nieces, stress

I took yesterday off work (mostly) so that I could get a few things done before the kid comes this weekend and so that I could spend the afternoon with my nieces. Thursday night I was kind of strung out from all the medical shit going on so I fell back on one of my favorite coping skills – cleaning. Between Thursday late evening and this morning I’ve managed to get all of this shit done.

• All 3 bathrooms cleaned (in all fairness only 1 is a full bath)
• I brewed my coffee for iced coffees next week
• Cleaned out and organized both fridges
• Did 2 loads of laundry
• Changed the sheets and made the bed
• Watered the plants
• Refilled my pill trays, all 3 of them (those are just mine, Josh has 3 of his own)
• Emptied the cat box, 2x
• Finished putting together my binders of printed patterns – I had started that project Thursday night
• Shredded some paper crap that came out of the file drawer – weeded the drawer out Thursday night as well
• Revised/updated a budget I started ages ago and printed it so that Josh and I can go over it this weekend
• Ran to the one grocery store with Mom

Aunt Erin and E, my 7 year old niece, playing dolls

at some point a T-rex got involved

at the end of a long day it’s nice to relax with a little TV

The most exciting news yesterday is that, somehow, I lost 3.5lbs. I’m quite pleased with that and I’m going to credit eating that bowl of mushy seeds and then damn near shitting myself to death with my success. So yay.

This morning Mom and I will be running to the farmer’s market and one other store, and then I believe we’re going to try to finish getting the house stuff taken care of. There’s truly no rest for the wicked.

the excitement is just never-fucking-ending

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, family, getting creative, goals, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress

Bear with me kids, I’m unbelievably tired right now. Well, unbelievably for me considering I got a full night’s sleep and I’ve actually had time to eat some nutritious food today. I could seriously go for a margarita and a nap.

I got up at 5am, got on the treadmill, worked on the black & white vest for a few minutes, and got on with my day. For some reason when I got to work it just sort of all went downhill, but not in a bad way. More in a “holy fuck, is there actually a brain in my skull or did someone sneak in and replace it with Folgers?” kind of way. I got shit done but it was slow and painful and probably funny to watch.

So we went and saw the dermatologist this afternoon. She was delightful as always. I told her that Josh has been doing the same kinds of preventative shit that I do and what happened with this latest flare. She looked at his ass-crater and offered some more intensive options. She also said she would 100% endorse going ahead with the surgery.

As of June 22 Josh will truly be a half-assed husband.

Ok, not quite, but it’s funny. Sort of. Between now and then we each have a psych appointment and I have a therapy appointment. Oy.

Anyway, just wanted to pop in with a small update. My 28 day challenge stuff is going well, I’ve got a box of stuff to take to Goodwill, goals for the week are going well, and for the most part I feel swell.

relationship advice with Mama

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, random shit that falls out of my brain, relationships

I’m 39 years old and I’m on husband #3. Sadly, none of them are below ground yet, at least I don’t think so. No really, the only one who deserves that is Michael. He was an asshole and then some.

I honestly don’t remember. It was a very long time ago now. We married when I was 18 and signed the divorce papers on my 21st birthday. Good riddance.

My second was Rob. We married when I was 22 and stopped living together when I was 32. Our divorce was final when I was 34, if memory serves. He was a good guy. He took care of me and helped me hide my massive mental issues from the world. I was just a total fucking train wreck.

Oh sweet jesus, was I ever. I cheated on him – twice. I got us close to $50k in debt – just with shopping. I was as terrible a woman as you can get. But he got back at me. Anyway, then I moved on to Josh.

We met when I was 34 and married when I was 35.

What a catch…

He’s not every gal’s cup of tea, but he suits my taste just fine. Most of the time.

Actually it’s usually me doing the farting, but he doesn’t seem to care. That’s part of a healthy relationship – pick your battles. If the farting doesn’t bother you, awesome, make a stand on something else, like being alcoholic.

Ice cream always helps, ALWAYS. Although honestly, show up earlier than that, for fuck sake – I’m asleep at 3am.

If you really want Mama’s advice, here it is…

Do NOT marry the one you can live with. There are lots of fools I could live with if I had to. Marry the one you CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT. Think about it for a minute – who is that one person that feels like so much a part of your soul that you wouldn’t know what to do without them? That person you think of when you first wake up and the last one you think about before falling asleep? THAT is the person you should marry.

And that’s what has saved Josh’s sorry ass on numerous occasions – I still can’t completely imagine what my life would look like, for better or for worse, without him in it. I’m kind of an idiot, what can I say?