when life hands you lemons…

Tags

bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, DBT, depression, mental health, mental illness, rebuilding my life, suicide

…freeze those fuckers and throw them at people you don’t like. Because seriously, who likes lemonade? But I digress, today is Thursday and on Thursdays we talk about mental health.

***TRIGGER WARNING***

I’m going to discuss suicide in this post. If that will bother you, stop reading now.

Something really cool happened yesterday. It’s probably only cool to me, but hey, my blog. This story actually starts back in 2010. Let’s hop in Mama’s time machine…

In February of 2010 I had a terrible breakup with a guy. That was pretty typical for me. I still hadn’t completed DBT and I wasn’t really taking care of myself. True to form I fell hard and scared him off. When he broke up with me I emptied the contents of the medicine cabinet into my stomach. That was my 4th serious attempt within two years. By the time I was found I was completely unconscious. The paramedics rushed me to the hospital, they pumped my stomach, and I spent time in the ICU.

Life was not good at that point, to say the very least.

I worked hard to get my life back together. I continued going to my therapy sessions, 3 times a week at the start, my mom locked my meds up and I only got one week worth at a time, and I learned how to think all over again. My psychiatrist wasn’t sure if I’d finally managed to cause myself permanent brain damage. (I hadn’t.)

Slowly but surely things came back together. I finished my Master’s degree and started doing better at work. My relationships improved. I learned how to not give up on myself anymore.

Back to the present…

A month or so ago my boss told me that our prescription insurance will do mail order three month med refills on generics for NOTHING. I take three prescriptions, all psych meds, and all generic. But I was concerned that my doc wouldn’t go for it because of my history.

The box came yesterday.

 

highlights since last I babbled at y’all

Tags

anxiety, divorce, friends, goals, life, limits, love, mental illness, stress, work

I did NOT get selected for a jury, thank DOG. The case involved alleged sexual assault of a young girl by her father. As soon as I heard that I had a very hard time not jumping up and ripping that guy to pieces with my bare hands. Apparently his lawyer sensed my hostility and everyone agreed that I was not an appropriate juror for that particular case.

But while I was at the court house I was able to file the papers for the divorce, at least most of them, and give the nice clerk my $157. I had neglected to have Josh sign something that said he’d been given copies of everything so I had to get him to come over this afternoon when he got done at work.

He’s still wearing his wedding ring.

In all other respects he’s still being the same shitstain I kicked out on July 2nd. So much so in fact that not even the paper towel sweatband he was wearing (because he hasn’t taken all of his shit with him which would include several way more appropriate, and comfortable, garments) made me feel bad for him. He looks bad. Really bad.

I, however, look fabulous according to all of my pals at work. I should, right? I mean, I’ve lost 250lbs since the last time they saw me. They all commented on how they’ve never seen me look this light and happy before, and the one gal has known me more than 14 years. So that was good. And I got to spend a little time redecorating a bit and rearranging some stuff.

Perhaps now life will start to settle. I’ll put the form in the mail tomorrow morning and once the court receives it my 60 day countdown clock starts. After the 60 days are up I call the clerk and find out when my court date is. On that day I’ll go back to the courthouse at my designated time with the rest of my paperwork, be sworn in, sit on the stand, answer the judge’s questions (which are just a rehash of what’s on the paperwork), and then it’ll be done. So hopefully sometime towards the end of September this will all be behind me.

On a much lighter note, I’ve been working on the shrug, I walked yesterday and today, and I’m in much better shape with the class I have scheduled for next Wednesday than I thought I’d be. Yay.

and this is why Mama is not allowed time off work very often

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, family, life, mental health, mental illness, money, skin conditions, sleep, stress, taking charge of my finances

Have I ever mentioned how much I love to shop? It really doesn’t fit with the whole minimalist thing I’m trying to embrace, I realize that. But I love a good deal. And shiny things.

Part of this whole transition to singleness has involved making over bits of my living space. I felt that I had to really make this area MINE in order to live happily down here. A lot of what I did was remove things, put my things that had been tucked away in a more prominent place, move things around – you get the idea. But I’ve done some shopping, too. And I’ve realized something…

it is entirely different shopping for myself now as an independent single woman than it was shopping for myself as his wife.

Seems a little odd, but it’s true. And I don’t know that I can explain it. So I won’t even try.

Anyway, Mom and I took Grandma shopping yesterday to get a dress for my cousin’s wedding and I scored a great dress.

It’s absolutely stunning and it looks really good on. And it was $9.99. So yeah, I’ve been doing more shopping lately, but I still shop the sales.

Fortunately my sleep situation seems to be truly sorted out. I slept nearly 8 hours last night which is phenomenal. I ate like shit yesterday but I’m hoping since it was a one time kind of thing that it won’t cause any problems. And sadly my right leg has two new lesions that are draining and irritating me. I think part of that issue is different activities lately and me not being properly attired for them.

I’m going to see T-bone this morning. I had set this appointment up when I was in there last time, mostly just thinking since I’d be on vacation it would be a good idea. I’m thinking he’ll be quiet pleasantly surprised to hear about what’s been happening.

how many pillows do you really need?

Tags

bipolar disorder, building a life worth living, creating myself, divorce, life, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, sleep, taking my life back, you need 5 pillows

That’s the best shot I could find of the north end of the room as it looked while Josh was here. It was cluttered, which you can’t too much see, and it was kind of one dimensional. I have since turned that into…

this. And this is much more me. It’s very organized and more streamlined. There are flowers everywhere but they don’t make it feel too busy. The colors are a little softer and it’s all very warm and cozy. I love being in this space now. And Evie Cat seems to love it, too.

Things are still going really well. I’ve lost another 1.5lbs since Friday and that really excites me. I slept good again, about the same as the night before, so I think that’s really good. And Mom and I are getting some things done we had wanted to. Maybe not the vacation I had thought I would have but it’s certainly not turning out bad at all.

creating myself

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, family, friends, health, hypomania, kids, life, love, mental illness, moods, normal, sleep, stress

I’m not going to lie and say that this process I’m going through has been entirely easy. There’s been one hell of a lot of hard work getting the traces of him out of here so that I could start building my nest. It’s been a little difficult for me to get used to being able to make my own decisions again. But I haven’t had a single doubt that I did, and am doing, the right thing.

I chose the day I did because I knew that he would have a long weekend to try to start finding a place to stay, get some things, arrange transportation. That same span of time allowed me and Mom to do the overhaul in my living space. And now I have my week off work to get my sleep schedule back under control.

The first night I have no clue how I slept, other than like shit. Since then I’ve been having my Fitbit track my sleep. The second and third nights weren’t great either, and I was starting to get worried. Too many nights with no sleep can spell utter disaster for someone with Bipolar. Lack of sleep isn’t always a symptom of mania, it can also be a trigger. And I fucking HATE being manic.

But, praise the Almighty Ceiling Cat, I slept for 7 hours and 20 minutes last night.

So I think I’m going to be really alright. I’m finishing one of the last little projects I wanted to get done this morning. Yesterday Mom and I took my nieces to a natural history museum and hung out with some dinosaur bones, which they thought was super cool. And today we’re doing crafts. So yeah, I’m doing better. Loads better. Thanks for all the support kids, y’all rock.

who could I be today?

Tags

anxiety, divorce, family, friends, I have the best friends ever, life, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, sleep, starting over, stress, taking back my life

This has gone remarkably well, really. There are only a few of Josh’s things left in the house and those are only still here mostly because I’ve run out of room in the garage. I’ve spent the last two days removing his entire presence, including anything that reminded me of him in a way that hurt. I’ve gone to the Goodwill three times (all my stuff that he had been using but was never his) and I’ve cleaned out pretty well everything in my living area. I’ve also been able to rearrange things in a way that feels significant. I have a knitting / reading corner now that’s tucked out of the way but still quite convenient. There’s one piece of furniture left to remove and I’ve got someone coming for it later today.

Progress is a beautiful thing.

Josh never seemed to understand that he had choices, even right up to the end. He continues to be incredibly cruel about all of this. I’m trying not to play that game and Mom is helping immensely. He needed to come get some clean clothes on Friday because he didn’t take really anything with on Thursday. I told him that I would let Mom know he and his dad were coming, he asked if I’d be there, I said I hadn’t planned to because I didn’t want to upset him. His response? “It’s fine.” So I stayed in the house and Mom went and met them in the garage. I have no interest in that passive aggressive bullshit anymore.

She said he was amazed that I had done so much and taken obvious care with his possessions. I had washed all of his dirty laundry, folded everything, put things neatly in hampers or storage bins, anything I could find really. I have no desire to make this any more unpleasant for him that necessary and he just doesn’t seem to get that.

At any rate, sleeping was almost impossible the first two nights. Last night I decided to have the Fitbit track it for me and I got 5 1/2 hours. I know that’s an improvement. Still not as good as I really need, but an improvement. And I’m still trying to make healthy choices. I haven’t been exercising, per se, but I’ve definitely been active. By moving all of his things to the garage it feels like there’s been a huge emotional purge. The negative energy that surrounded the way he lived here with me is gone. This is truly my space now and I love it.

That’s not quite how it looks this morning, I ended up switching out the lamp for my Ikea star one, but close. That’s the knitting / reading corner. And the fireplace I haven’t been able use since I moved in. There is so much more room down here and the vibe is just totally different. It’s me.

I want to thank all of you for being so supportive through this. Mom and Wendy are keeping a pretty close eye on me to make sure I stay out of trouble, so don’t worry so much about that. The good vibes and prayers everyone has been sending really have helped. I am the strong woman you see before you because all of you are sharing your strength, and I love you for that. ❤

what the hell is that smell?

Tags

anxiety, becoming me, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, divorce, family, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, sick, sleep, stress, taking back control of my life, the world is full of fucking idiots

No matter how many times you try to polish it, a turd is still just a turd. Oddly enough, it’s taken me more than 5 years to realize this. Probably more than that in all honesty, but 5 years for this particular instance.

I’m really mostly a kind, gentle soul that doesn’t like hurting anyone for any reason. As T-bone described it earlier, beneath my hard as nails exterior is a gooey marshmallow center. That is totally true, most of the time.

But we all have our limits and I’ve reached mine.

This blog wasn’t around when Josh and I started dating, which is really a good thing. There was a blog, under a different name, and it’s since been deleted. By me. I was just coming out of the worst stretch of my life in regards to my mental health and I was a little bit beyond batshit crazy.

But I did a year of DBT, I went through even more therapy after that, kept taking my meds like a good kid, and doing all the stuff the doc said to do. And because of all that hard work and the support of some amazing folks, I haven’t seen the inside of an ambulance, an ICU, or a psych ward since February 2010. Totally proud of that.

Since that time I’ve finished a Master’s degree, started and finished a graduate certificate (got a 4.0GPA on it, too), taught myself to knit sweaters and socks, learned to draw, and I’ve been ridiculously stable.

None of that actually has a fucking thing to do with Josh. Not a bit. In that same span of time he finally quit drinking every night, enrolled in some classes at the community college where he is doing the bare minimum to get by, and has maybe quit smoking. Possibly. But according to him everything good that happens is because of him and everything shitty is because of me. It’s a pretty typical mess one encounters with a pending divorce.

Fights between two people who have mental illnesses like we do and are also incredibly fucking stubborn are just nuts. We try to out-stubborn the other, we say truly shitty things, and there is not an iota of tenderness. It’s all out warfare and I’m sick of it.

I’m taking the blame for it because that seems the easiest way to just shut him the hell up. I’ve already taken some steps to take control of my life, something I haven’t entirely had in a very long time, like maybe ever. I’m reclaiming my preferred persona everywhere I can. So I will likely be making some massive overhauls here and in all areas of my life, and I might be away for a few days. Thank you for the love and support you’ve shown me, recently and always. Y’all mean oodles to me.

quick picture post

Tags

building a life worth living, getting back my mojo, getting creative, goals, life, mental health, mental illness, motivation, normal, projects

That’s the black and white vest that plagued me for so long. It’s done and I wore it to work this morning. I was teaching a brand new class, my third of the summer, and wanted a little something to make me feel pretty. You can’t really see it but I also made the necklace and earrings I have on. Hopefully I’ll be back later with a slightly longer post. ❤

so much to tell you

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, divorce, goals, health, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, stress

I’m not really even sure where to begin, which isn’t like me. So let’s see…

I did walk on Friday, only 10 minutes, but still. And my total for the week in terms of weight loss was one pound. I’ll take it.

Josh had the appointment with the cardiologist Friday afternoon. He almost certainly has blockages in his heart and his legs. On Monday he goes in for a scan of his legs and then on Wednesday they’ll do an angiogram. Not sure what they’ll find or when he’ll come home. I honestly don’t think it matters. He isn’t taking any of this seriously and I’ve decided I really don’t care. If he doesn’t love me enough to take care of himself then there’s no point in worrying about any of this.

Mom and I went shopping today, as per our usual Saturday morning fun. We did the big farmer’s market downtown, Kohl’s, Barnes & Noble, and Hallmark. She had some wicked good coupons at Kohl’s and gave them to me so I ended up with a swimming outfit for $1.06. It’s really workout shorts and a tank top that should be alright in the water and will cover the truly unsightly bits on my legs.

This afternoon I got the sewing done on the black and white vest. WOOT! I still need to trim the threads and clean up a few rough edges, but it’s essentially done. I am so fucking excited to see the ass end of that project. The knit shrug is coming along nicely as well, I’m thinking maybe tonight I’ll get to spend a little time with it. Although, maybe not, because…

MENTALTOASTER is a thing! My friend got the URL registered, WordPress is installed, and now we’re working on some final details and what it should look like. My intention is for it to be a positive place where anyone wanting to get or give support on nutritional/health type issues can go, particularly if that person also has mental health issues. I will definitely let y’all know when everything is live and ready to roll.

the (viscous and entirely rotten) cycle of mental health from the viewpoint of someone with bipolar and borderline

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, getting healthy, health, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress, stress management

Wow, doesn’t life just suck some turds sometimes? Honestly, things were going great in my little world and then BAM! All of a sudden I’ve quit smoking, the diet is really changing, and the old man may or may not have a serious heart condition. I feel little like I’ve been handled in a way which is sexually inappropriate and A) not offered adequate lubrication, and B) not been kissed afterwards.

This SUCKS.

And because my stress levels have rocketed through the ever-loving roof, my skin condition is flaring up. And my neck/shoulder muscles are tight again. And this afternoon my irritable bowels decided to be irritable.

Come on man, now this shit REALLY SUCKS.

But it’s like that for those of us living with a mental health condition. What effects our physical health will end up effecting our mental health, and the other way ’round. It’s like a two-fer that NO ONE WANTS. Or a buy one, get one sale on second-hand toothbrushes. Or… (insert your own icky metaphor here, and share in the comments please)

For me it’s all too easy to let the cycle get entirely out of control. Take for example this fine shitstain of a week. I haven’t walked yet at all. Not once. And the less I walk the harder it is to sleep. The harder it is to sleep, the harder it is to get up early enough to walk. You feel me, right? Dig it.

So the cycle has to stop, and I have to be the one to do it. Tomorrow morning, no matter how much I don’t want to or I hurt or I’m tired, I will be getting my fat little ass on that treadmill. (after I weigh myself) If I don’t, then the skin condition bullshit and the stress and the mental stuff, it all wins. And I am not spending my time on this little blue ball letting something other than me determine what wins.