unwanted guest

Tags

happy lite, light therapy, mental health, mental illness, moods, nano poblano, SAD, seasonal affective disorder, sleep, team pepper, white noise generator

If you’re like me, living in a part of the world that now has a whole lot less sun, you may find yourself dealing with an Unwanted Guest, often referred to as Seasonal Affective Disorder. Less sunlight means our moods change, our depression kicks in harder, we want to hibernate – sound familiar? This is my SAD story.

Shortly after I started seeing shrinky-poo I mentioned to her that on the days I went to the tanning salon (yes, I tried to get rid of my Capser-ness at one time) I felt better. Quite a bit better actually. She asked more questions, in true shrinky-poo style, and sent me home with a sun lamp to try. (she doesn’t think much of tanning salons)

It made an amazing difference. AMAZING.

I was to use it for at least 30 minutes every morning. It needed to shine on my face and I needed to keep my eyes open, you know, blinking normally and stuff, but the goodness comes in through the eyes. After the first week I felt like a new woman.

But –

I had to do other things as well.

• Take a Vitamin D pill every day
• Get to bed at the same time every night
• Get my ass out of bed at the same time every morning
• No naps!
• Exercise during the day/before dinner was encouraged, but not required (I sleep so much better on those nights, regardless of the time of year)

By doing all of those things together, all winter long, I can keep my SAD at bay. I actually have two lamps now, one at home and one at work. They’re made by Verilux and called, appropriately enough, Happy Lites.

That’s the one at home, tucked behind my laptop. (Wonder Woman bottle included for scale) I got mine at Costco a few years ago, but it looks like you can order the twin pack direct from the manufacturer for less than $50. (WAY cheaper than the big unit I started with)

One of the things that I absolutely LOVE about doing the light therapy is that it’s really hard to OD on it. You can, but all that happens is you have trouble sleeping that night, and who among us hasn’t had trouble sleeping now and then?

Anyway, none of this – NONE OF THIS – is meant to be prescriptive. I am definitely Mental, but I am not a doctor. All I’m trying to do here is share my experiences with you and perhaps provide a talking point for the next time you visit with your mental health provider. These things have helped me, maybe they’d help you, and that is honestly all that I’m saying.

On a sort of related, but not really, note – does anyone have any experience with white noise apps for a phone? Josh has decided he’s really not so keen on my aging fan that I run every night so I’m looking for alternatives. I’ve installed a free one for my Droid called Sleep Ambience and downloaded a few tracks that don’t sound like animals having sex, but I’m a little leery. Thoughts? Experiences? Recommendations?

monday, again?

Tags

kids, life, limits, money, moods, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, seasonal affective disorder, sex, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

Thanks for all of the insights yesterday – that really helped.  I still don’t think Josh really understands what I’m so upset about, but it doesn’t matter.  I’ve decided that things are going to start running my way.

I still don’t feel great, but I’ll survive.  I actually thought I was going to have to take a trip to the ER last night because of my leg.  Josh pushed the sex thing again when he got home so I got naked and showed him PRECISELY how bad my leg looks.  We were both quite surprised to see it very puffy and fire engine red.  I decided that I was going to wait until after dinner and reassess.  There’s something about sitting that makes it drain better and I was pretty sure the redness was from backed up infection.  Turns out I was right.  After dinner it felt less unpleasant, wasn’t red at all, and my pants were wet.  Gross, I know.  This morning it’s not bad.  I did call and get an appointment with the dermatologist – for 2 weeks from now.  That was the soonest they could get me in.  I’m contemplating calling the regular doc to see if there’s anything he can do in the mean time.  The only thing holding me back is the money.

I spent $125 on getting Evie taken care of this weekend, $144 on my part of tuition for this semester, Josh is getting an oil change today, I’ve paid some of the bills but not all of them, and I don’t get paid again until Halloween.  There’s just not really enough money to go around these days.  That extra $20k that I’m not making would sure come in handy right about now…

I turned my sun lamp on this morning for a few hours.  It’ll take a few days to really notice a change, but I know it’ll help.  I hopefully won’t be quite so fucking tired tonight during class.

My boss is on vacation all this week, which I’m kind of looking forward to.  I should be able to get quite a bit done without her sticking her goddamn nose in everything.  I already got some things done this morning, I just need to get back on the ball.

snow day, part two and a half

Tags

knitting, life, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, seasonal affective disorder, work

The university is opening at 10am.  I won’t be there.  Our street still hasn’t had a plow and from what I’ve heard the roads are shit.  I’m staying home, in my pjs, knitting.  NYAH!

I didn’t end up working on Josh’s slipper last night because I was just fried.  I was tired from having gotten so much done and I wanted to rest.  So I made dinner, we watched tv on the sofa, and then I went to bed.  I know, real exciting life.  Today I’m debating the merits of taking a shower and getting dressed.  What I’ll probably do is take a shower and put my pjs back on.  And I’ll knit.  I haven’t decided what yet, but something.

I need to make the most of these 4 days off, I know this.  I need to make sure I take care of myself and do all of the things I know I need to as part of my self care routine.  I’ve already taken my pills this morning and I’ve got my light on.  I’m off to a pretty decent start.

Josh and I have been getting along SPLENDIDLY lately and I’m loving it.  No real fights or upsets over the course of the last week at all.  It’s like heaven.  I’m hoping today and the rest of the weekend is equally awesome.

The mood is really pretty good right now.  I’ve got a bit of a headache but I’m hoping a little mocha will chase it away.  I feel like I’ve got a fair amount of energy, my body feels reasonably good, and my motivation is pretty decent.  As long as this trend continues, my weekend should be phenomenal.

For now, I leave you with gratuitous pussy…

if I fits, I sits!

boom

Tags

bipolar disorder, friends, knitting, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, projects, seasonal affective disorder, sleep, work

Just when I think the dust has settled and the smoke has cleared…

Rob updated his profile pic on Facebook this morning.  He looks good.  No, GOOD.  I think he’s wearing one of the hats I made him for christmas.  He looks fit and happy and, well, like the man I used to love.  Only, heaven help me, I think I still do.

I can’t have this right now, I simply can’t.  He’s happy with the life he has and I’m sure he doesn’t need me fucking around with it.  I’m finally getting to the point where I feel like I can be happy again and I really don’t need me fucking with that.

I just keep remembering how good he was to me and the awesome times we had together and I really want that again.  Will I ever get that with Josh?  I just don’t know.  I guess I really just need to keep trying.

After the visit with shrinky-poo yesterday I have some things to work on.

1. Keep track of the sleep.  If I have 2 bad nights in a row I need to call her and we’ll adjust my meds.
2. Keep track of the brain speed.  If I slow down too much I need to lower the dose.  I go from 160mg to 120mg and then finally back to 100mg.  My body will tell me when it’s ready for this.
3. I need to spend as much time with the sun lamp as my eyes can tolerate.  This will help with the sleep.
4. Keep track of the mood.  Feeling depressed is a bad sign – lower the dose and call her.  Feeling manic is bad – up the dose and call her.
5. Keep track of the body.  Lack of appetite, excess acheyness, difficulty concentrating, excess thirst – all bad, must call.
6. No alcohol until I’ve worked back down to 100mg.
7. Watch the caffeine.  I don’t think caffeine affects me, but she was concerned when I told her how much I typically drink in a day.

I feel like I’m getting back to a pretty decent place.  The faster I catch these things the easier it is to bounce back from them.  I’d like to hope that eventually I’ll get to the place where this doesn’t happen nearly as often.  On the bright side, I haven’t been admitted to the hospital since 2010.  That’s got to count for something.

Things with Josh are actually going fairly well right now.  Yesterday was good between us, which was nice.  All of the drama I had to deal with came from my family and there’s really nothing I can do about that except deal with it.

Josh has an interview this afternoon with a staffing company.  This company does direct placements, not day laborer jobs.  Hopefully something comes of this soon.  This is the second interview he’s been on since last week, which I find encouraging.  At least he’s making a real effort this time.  I just hope something comes of it.  He’s utterly miserable where he is.

My job is going really well.  I’ve been able to concentrate and get loads of stuff done.  I’m probably still going a little fast, but I’m making it work.  I’ve got another project to dive into this morning and I’ve already been thinking about how to attack it.  I’m hoping to make some real progress today.

The sleep is still not perfect, but it’s been getting better.  I was asleep before Josh got home last night and didn’t really wake up when he got there.  I did wake up at 11:30 to use the bathroom, but I fell right back asleep.  I got up around 5 this morning and got my stuff done.

Mom’s sock is at the bind off stage.  I actually started that this morning but didn’t have enough time to finish.  It should only take another 20 minutes or so tonight.  I’m thinking I might dive into another pair of socks, I just haven’t decided if they’ll be for me or Josh.  What I should probably do is make him another pair of slippers – he’s worn holes in the bottoms of the others.  Now that we know where to get leather I’m thinking I’ll have him make soles for these.  That should make them last longer.

I really need to make another list of the things I want to get done and start attacking it.  I know I posted a list awhile back, maybe I should go see if I can find that and see what else needs to be done.  I’m still waiting to hear from Wendy about her color preference so I can’t start on her gift.  And I’m still completely clueless as to what to make for Gemma.  Maybe Gemma needs socks as well…

I mailed WeeGee’s package yesterday.  I can’t wait until she gets it.  I really hope the socks fit properly and that she likes the other bits I tossed in.  I really like making gifts for people.

The mood is pretty decent right now.  I’m a little confused in the heart about seeing the pic of Rob this morning, but I know I can’t go back down that road.  Josh is just finally starting to become the man I want and it wouldn’t be fair to just up and leave him for someone else who most likely doesn’t want me anymore anyway.

 

busy busy busy

Tags

knitting, life, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, normal, seasonal affective disorder, sleep

I got the shrug finished yesterday afternoon, right after I finished the baby doll dress.  And then I started a new sweater.

sweater in progress

This is the same “shrug” sweater pattern I used for the pink/green/purple striped sweater I made in the fall.  This yarn is Cherry Tree Hill “Oceania” – a Merino wool/metallic blend.  I’ve had it in my stash since I first went into the hospital when I was 29.  I had tried making a shawl with it, but it just didn’t seem right.  This is working up really nicely and I’m positive I’m going to be delighted with it.  I’ve got enough yarn to make the sweater full length this time and make the sleeves long as well.  I’m so excited!!!

The weekend has been going quite well.  I’m getting all kinds of things done and that always makes me feels good.  I’ve got one more load of laundry to run, I need to run the vacuum, clean the bathroom, and Josh needs to run to the pharmacy.  I love productive weekends.

The mood seems to be holding fairly steady.  I’ve gotten good sleep and yesterday I got to spend some time with the sun lamp, which I know helps.  I’ve got it on again now and I plan to sit here and knit while I soak up the rays.

Oh, if anyone is interested, I posted the pattern for the beaded shrug on the Patterns page.  It’s a fairly easy knit once you get used to the mohair.  Or it could be done with a different yarn if you don’t want to mess with it.  Anyway, simple pattern – lovely results.

ugh

Tags

bipolar disorder, christmas, goals, kids, life, love, mental health, mental illness, normal, seasonal affective disorder, sleep

The holiday decorations are all put away and the house is basically put back together.  My back is not so good because of this.  I’ve taken some Tylenol to try and help.

I finally got Rob’s hat started properly, I just hope he likes it.  I used to do his hats with all single crochet, but I can’t for the life of me get that to come out right this time.  I’ve resorted to doing this one like I did the ones for the guys for christmas – all double crochet.  It’s looking much better.  I’m hoping to get it and the other one done soon.

Josh and I had kind of a rough time yesterday, and this morning hasn’t started great either.  He’s kind of moody because of the holidays and I don’t seem to have a whole lot of patience for it.  I’m hoping today ends up better.  I know part of this is me making a choice about how I’ll deal with him, I just don’t seem to be in the mood for it right now.  I’m sore and I didn’t sleep well and that’s just not a very good combination.

We have to get the brat again this weekend and I’m not looking forward to it.  We won’t pick her up until after she goes to church on Sunday since Josh and I are going to a wedding Saturday night.  We’ll get her Sunday and drop her off at her mom’s office Monday afternoon.  I have no idea yet what we’ll end up doing with her.  I’d really rather not have her at all.  Josh is a terrible father and I just really have no desire to be a mom.

I’m trying to spend more time with the sun lamp this morning, hoping it helps me sleep better tonight.  The moods still seem to be fairly normal, which is good.  I know I’m a little crabby because I don’t feel well, and I’m trying to compensate for that.  I just need a little time to decompress on my own I think.  I know if I can get some more stuff done that I’ll feel better.

I’ve been trying to think about setting some goals for next year.  I didn’t really achieve all of my goals for this year but I think I made fairly good progress.  This is what the current year looked like:

1. Get my finances back in order.  – Still working on this one, but it’s getting better.
2. Rip out all of the half started projects I have laying about and reclaim the yarn for something else.  DONE
3. Perform a “stuff” purge.  DONE
4. Read a book.  – I started a book, so this counts as DONE.
5. Get better at documenting my knitting/crocheting projects.  DONE
6. Organize my photos. DONE
7. Take more pictures with the camera, not just my phone. DONE

All told I think I did alright.  I’m not sure what next year’s goals should be, but I’m going to think on that for a day or two and see what I can come up with.

I surrender

Tags

alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, christmas, family, kids, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, seasonal affective disorder, sex, skin conditions, stress, work

Oh lord, where to start…

The generic testosterone therapy I found is an injectible and the doc won’t approve it.  The nurse finally told me she has some samples of patch things that he can try.  Seriously?  Don’t you think you could have maybe offered that the first time you called me back?  Anyway, she said she’d leave them at the front counter and Josh could pick them up before 6pm.  NOW he’s not in a big rush to get them.  *face palm*

We got my niece to her dance practice and my sister showed up about half way through.  Mom and I left and went home and actually made it there shortly before 7.  We all hung out on the couch watching tv until 8.  The rest of the night was quiet, but torturous.  The rash continues to spread and it pretty well all itches.  It’s almost all the way up my legs now, covers most of my back up to my neck, is on my left ear lobe, and up both arms.  I’m fucking miserable.

The only reason I didn’t take vacation today was because I have to teach at 9am.  This is only the second time I’ve taught this class and it’s pretty intense.  I was hoping to have one of my colleagues there to assist, just in case more people show up than have signed up.  As I was sitting in the parking garage finishing my smoke this morning my boss texted me that she’s going to be out ill today.  When I got in and checked email I learned that my other colleague who had talked about assisting is going to be busy with another appointment.  So I’m stuck doing this by myself.  How lovely.

About halfway to work this morning the low fuel light kicked on.  Fortunately I hadn’t already passed the one gas station that’s kind of close to my route in.  Not a stop I had planned to make this morning.

Ah yes, when the shit hits the fan it really fucking flies.

My room reservation didn’t go through so I’m having to change locations at the last minute.  The room I’m in doesn’t have regular computers, so we’re using laptops.  Not all of the laptops have the right software.  Fortunately only one person who didn’t sign up showed up, and one who did didn’t, so it all worked out.  The only “technical” difficulty we experienced was one person’s pen ran out of ink.

However…

I’m on the 5th floor of this building.  To smoke I have to go to either 1 or 2.  Both of the elevators are currently out of service.  I am far too old and fat to walk up 5 flights of stairs, so I seriously doubt I’ll be smoking again for awhile.  And it’s hot in here.  It almost always is, but seems rather ridiculously so today.  My feet are sweating to bad I’ve had to take off my shoes.

And I’ve found out that my sister is bringing the girls over again tonight so that she and her husband can go to his company holiday party.  You have got to be fucking kidding me.  So yeah, probably no sex, AGAIN.

I’m really rather ready for a break from all this bullshit.

There’s pretty well no way in hell that I’m going to finish the Christmas gifts, especially not now.  It seems like I damn near never have time for myself anymore.  And that really pisses me off.

The mood right now – do you really want to know?  I’m tired, frustrated, itchy, crabby, hungry, and I have a monster headache.  There are people here right now installing the last of the furniture and their tools are LOUD.  No light this morning, no breakfast because I didn’t have time with all the bullshit going on, haven’t really been able to talk to Josh, I itch like mad, and there is no break in my foreseeable future.  I’m really rather ready to take a very long walk off a particularly short pier.

I’d like to say there’s something going on this weekend that I’m looking forward to, but there isn’t.  More chores, more errands, probably more bullshit with my sister.  And I’m guessing since I’m dealing with the staggering amounts of stress still that the rash won’t go away for awhile.  I’ve already scratched myself bloody a few times, now I’m just waiting to pick up some kind of infection.

Here’s the really suck ass part – I’d like to have a few drinks this weekend to help relax, but since Josh isn’t allowed to drink, neither am I.

FUCK MY LIFE

change of plans

Tags

bipolar disorder, christmas, family, kids, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, motivation, seasonal affective disorder, sleep, stress, work

Fortunately yesterday didn’t suck quite as much as I’d feared it would.  My two appointments only took 15 minutes each but my meeting ran almost 30 minutes long.  Can’t win them all I guess.  I cancelled the hair appointment because I was just too unbelievably tired.  The therapy session went well.  And Josh and I kind of talked.  We’ll call it a win I guess.

I told Josh that because my sex drive is virtually non-existent he’ll need to do more to get me ready to be in the mood.  I made some suggestions of things he could do that would help.  I told him that I realize there’s not a whole lot he can do while we’re not physically with each other, but that if he says things and drops hints through the day that I’ll be more likely to come home receptive to physical advances.  He suggested that we make a “date” for tonight and I told him that was fine.  Now I guess we’ll just have to see if he was actually listening last night.

I definitely need to talk to shrinky-poo about the sex drive and the almost constant feeling tired.  Today is going to be a little worse than usual since I’m in the lab and I don’t have my light.  I do have my mocha and some good black tea to drink, so I’m hoping the caffeine helps.

Today should be fairly calm.  I’ve got a few phone calls to make and one person has told me she’ll drop by this morning for some help.  Nothing else really scheduled until I leave.  I brought my special notebook from home so I can work on my lists – to do and grocery.  I probably could have brought the bunny with me but I figured if I did that would just guarantee that my day would get crazy.  I think I’d just as soon be too bored today as opposed to too busy.

The to do list looks like this right now:

• laundry
• clean bathroom
• vacuum
• clean up garage
• take aluminum cans to recycle center
• wash knitting bag
• go to the grocery store
• go to Costco
• go to Michael’s
• pay bills
• get the oil changed
• get Josh’s blood work done
• go to Hobby Lobby
• go to Teavana
• go to the Body Shop

Will I get it all done?  Probably not.  But I plan to start tonight so hopefully I’ll be able to at least make a dent in it.  Josh and I decided that we won’t go out tonight, but we will go out with the brat tomorrow night.  We’re going to celebrate his good grades at school.  He managed to get an A in English and a C in math.  I am thinking we might pick up a fast food dinner on the way home from his ultrasound tonight so that I don’t have to cook and clean up the kitchen before I can start my list.

I really don’t understand how people who have kids get anything done.  It’s bad enough for me to try to work around Josh and the brat when she’s here for the 2 weekends a month we have to have her, how do women who have children at home full time do it?  I really don’t want to ever have to find out.  Like I said, I’ll try to start tonight and see how much I can accomplish before we get her.

I made a revised gift list this morning and I still have 9 gifts to finish.  I have no delusions that I’ll get the bunnies for my nieces done in time for the party on Sunday.  I got them these cute animal hats that I think I’ll give them instead and try to have the bunnies done for Christmas.  I need to make a total of 5 bunnies, 2 butterfly mobiles, 1 mitten, and a hat.  I really, really, REALLY need to get myself back on track if I’m going to get everything done.  I’ll have some time next week while Mom is in surgery, which I hope helps, but I can’t possibly get all of that done in a single day.  I’m hoping that Josh’s Tuesday class goes well and that I have some quiet time that evening to work.  Not sure how much time I’ll get between now and then.

The moods still seem to be holding fairly steady.  I still have occasions when I get upset during the day, but they don’t seem to last too terribly long.  I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve realized it really just does no good to be mad at Josh.  It doesn’t hurt him and it only upsets my day.  He’s going to do whatever the hell he wants to anyway, why should I even bother trying to stop him?

I don’t get it

Tags

alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, seasonal affective disorder, sleep, stress, work

He didn’t end up getting into the class last night, for which I am very thankful.  It does mean it’ll take longer for him to complete this certificate program, but I’m just not ready to have him gone that long right now.

Anyway, he came home and we talked some more.  He still claims that he can control the drinking and that it won’t get out of hand again.  I really don’t understand this.  He pushed me, bullied me really, into have 5 drinks with him the last time we went out – where is my assurance that he won’t try that again?  He knows damn good and well that I wouldn’t make a scene in public so he can basically get away with whatever he wants to.  How fucking fair is that to me?

So now I’m not sure what to do.  I would like to go out Friday after the ultrasound.  I’m thinking I’ll be a little keyed up from having suffered through this week and I’d really rather enjoy a cocktail to help me unwind.  I just don’t know if I really can do that with him.  My gut says he’s got absolutely no self control and we’ll just have a repeat of last time.  Maybe I should just start listening to my gut.

Today is going to suck, hard core.  I’ve got an appointment at 8, meeting at 9, another appointment from noon – 2 (sweet ceiling cat I hope it doesn’t take that long!), and then I have to spend 2-3 in the other office.  At 3 I leave for my therapy appointment.  Immediately after that I have to pick Josh and my pills up, grab a quick fast food dinner, and be at the hair salon at 6.  I’m hoping to be home by 7.  I’m going to be exhausted.

And really, exhausted seems to be my default state anymore.  No matter how much sleep I get I’m not feeling rested.  I’m using the light every morning as much as I can be at my desk, I’m taking all of my pills in the precise manner they were prescribed, I haven’t had a drink in nearly 2 weeks now…  What the fuck?

I’ve got an appointment with shrinky-poo tomorrow afternoon before Josh’s ultrasound.  Not sure if she’ll be able to shed any light on this or not.  I know I’m not up to the full therapeutic dose of the Lamictal yet which could be part of it.  I just don’t really know anymore and it’s frustrating.  I’m really trying my hardest to do all the right things and yet it still feels like a colossal FAIL.

If I can get through today without going completely off the deep end I should be alright.  I’ve got one person dropping in tomorrow morning sometime but no other scheduled appointments and I’m leaving at 2 for my appointment.  Tomorrow should be quiet, and I really need that right now.

I wish I could say that my weekend will be nice and quiet, but there’s no way in hell.  I’ve got a 7am appointment Saturday to get an oil change, Josh needs to have his blood test between 8 – 9, at 11:15 we pick up the brat, and I’ve got about a million errands to run and chores to do.  And then Sunday afternoon is my nieces’ birthday party.

Life around here is just bat shit crazy right now.

back to the grind

Tags

bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, christmas, crochet, knitting, life, love, mental health, mental illness, seasonal affective disorder, sleep, work

Ah work…

I’m back in my cozy little office trying to clean up from having been gone for a week.  My email is all taken care of I just haven’t cleared my phone messages yet.  Of course I just realized that my phone was still being forwarded to the lab…

I’m actually happy to be back at work.  I’ve got fairly well established routines here that I’ve missed.  Routines are good for me, they keep me sane.  Well, as sane as something who has Bipolar and Borderline can ever be.  It wasn’t great having to get up so early this morning, but I think I’m doing fairly well.  The coffee cup has been filled a few times and the sun lamp is on.  Depending on what all happens today it should be fairly quiet.  I’ve only got one scheduled appointment so far and that’s not until 2.

I decided that the butterflies were just too labor intensive to try to get done by next weekend so I started a bunny instead.  The pattern absolutely sucks.  I’m kind of just using it as a reference now and winging it.  I’ve got it a little better than half way done.  I should (hopefully) be able to crank out the rest tonight and then make the other one starting tomorrow.  For lunch today I have the sock with me.  Yes, I’m still working on the sock.  I wasn’t able to make much progress on it over vacation either.

Things with Josh seem to be going alright.  Yesterday was probably the best Sunday we’ve had together in a long time.  We both slept until almost 9 which was totally weird for me.  It felt like I’d slept half my day away which bothered me, but we just kind of relaxed all day so it wasn’t too bad.  I sent Josh and my uncle to the grocery store to get supplies for dinner so that Mom and I could have a few quiet moments in the house.  Otherwise we didn’t do much of anything.

I’m really glad I took that week off.  I feel much more centered and relaxed than I would have otherwise been.  I feel like Josh and I were able to get back to level ground with each other and that MAYBE now we stand a chance of getting things back to where they should be.  A lot of it will depend on how this week plays out.  We’ll get the brat next weekend and have my nieces’ birthday party to contend with.  If we can get through all of that unscathed, things should be good.

I really am tempted not to take him with for Christmas.  Being over at my sister’s for Thanksgiving just showed me how much he doesn’t like being around people when he isn’t drunk.  I don’t want to have to put up with that again.  I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how things go.

Since it seems like we probably will still be together I really need to get going on the rest of the Christmas gifts.  I still don’t think I’ll make anything for the brat, but Josh has an adopted little sister and 2 nieces that will need bunnies.  Or monkeys.  Or something, who knows.  And I really should finish that other mitten for him, even though I’m pretty sure I’m not going to get the rose painting he promised me.  Typical Josh, full of empty promises.

The mood isn’t too bad right now.  I’m a little tired still – I did my usual Sunday night insomnia thing again.  Hopefully between the nicotine and the caffeine I can stay awake.  Josh is already talking about having sex this afternoon, so I guess I shouldn’t show up at home exhausted.  Although he only mentioned it once and hasn’t really been doing any flirting, so maybe I can get off the hook after all.