and this is why Mama is not allowed time off work very often

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anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, family, life, mental health, mental illness, money, skin conditions, sleep, stress, taking charge of my finances

Have I ever mentioned how much I love to shop? It really doesn’t fit with the whole minimalist thing I’m trying to embrace, I realize that. But I love a good deal. And shiny things.

Part of this whole transition to singleness has involved making over bits of my living space. I felt that I had to really make this area MINE in order to live happily down here. A lot of what I did was remove things, put my things that had been tucked away in a more prominent place, move things around – you get the idea. But I’ve done some shopping, too. And I’ve realized something…

it is entirely different shopping for myself now as an independent single woman than it was shopping for myself as his wife.

Seems a little odd, but it’s true. And I don’t know that I can explain it. So I won’t even try.

Anyway, Mom and I took Grandma shopping yesterday to get a dress for my cousin’s wedding and I scored a great dress.

It’s absolutely stunning and it looks really good on. And it was $9.99. So yeah, I’ve been doing more shopping lately, but I still shop the sales.

Fortunately my sleep situation seems to be truly sorted out. I slept nearly 8 hours last night which is phenomenal. I ate like shit yesterday but I’m hoping since it was a one time kind of thing that it won’t cause any problems. And sadly my right leg has two new lesions that are draining and irritating me. I think part of that issue is different activities lately and me not being properly attired for them.

I’m going to see T-bone this morning. I had set this appointment up when I was in there last time, mostly just thinking since I’d be on vacation it would be a good idea. I’m thinking he’ll be quiet pleasantly surprised to hear about what’s been happening.

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so much to tell you

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, divorce, goals, health, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, stress

I’m not really even sure where to begin, which isn’t like me. So let’s see…

I did walk on Friday, only 10 minutes, but still. And my total for the week in terms of weight loss was one pound. I’ll take it.

Josh had the appointment with the cardiologist Friday afternoon. He almost certainly has blockages in his heart and his legs. On Monday he goes in for a scan of his legs and then on Wednesday they’ll do an angiogram. Not sure what they’ll find or when he’ll come home. I honestly don’t think it matters. He isn’t taking any of this seriously and I’ve decided I really don’t care. If he doesn’t love me enough to take care of himself then there’s no point in worrying about any of this.

Mom and I went shopping today, as per our usual Saturday morning fun. We did the big farmer’s market downtown, Kohl’s, Barnes & Noble, and Hallmark. She had some wicked good coupons at Kohl’s and gave them to me so I ended up with a swimming outfit for $1.06. It’s really workout shorts and a tank top that should be alright in the water and will cover the truly unsightly bits on my legs.

This afternoon I got the sewing done on the black and white vest. WOOT! I still need to trim the threads and clean up a few rough edges, but it’s essentially done. I am so fucking excited to see the ass end of that project. The knit shrug is coming along nicely as well, I’m thinking maybe tonight I’ll get to spend a little time with it. Although, maybe not, because…

MENTALTOASTER is a thing! My friend got the URL registered, WordPress is installed, and now we’re working on some final details and what it should look like. My intention is for it to be a positive place where anyone wanting to get or give support on nutritional/health type issues can go, particularly if that person also has mental health issues. I will definitely let y’all know when everything is live and ready to roll.

the (viscous and entirely rotten) cycle of mental health from the viewpoint of someone with bipolar and borderline

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anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, getting healthy, health, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress, stress management

Wow, doesn’t life just suck some turds sometimes? Honestly, things were going great in my little world and then BAM! All of a sudden I’ve quit smoking, the diet is really changing, and the old man may or may not have a serious heart condition. I feel little like I’ve been handled in a way which is sexually inappropriate and A) not offered adequate lubrication, and B) not been kissed afterwards.

This SUCKS.

And because my stress levels have rocketed through the ever-loving roof, my skin condition is flaring up. And my neck/shoulder muscles are tight again. And this afternoon my irritable bowels decided to be irritable.

Come on man, now this shit REALLY SUCKS.

But it’s like that for those of us living with a mental health condition. What effects our physical health will end up effecting our mental health, and the other way ’round. It’s like a two-fer that NO ONE WANTS. Or a buy one, get one sale on second-hand toothbrushes. Or… (insert your own icky metaphor here, and share in the comments please)

For me it’s all too easy to let the cycle get entirely out of control. Take for example this fine shitstain of a week. I haven’t walked yet at all. Not once. And the less I walk the harder it is to sleep. The harder it is to sleep, the harder it is to get up early enough to walk. You feel me, right? Dig it.

So the cycle has to stop, and I have to be the one to do it. Tomorrow morning, no matter how much I don’t want to or I hurt or I’m tired, I will be getting my fat little ass on that treadmill. (after I weigh myself) If I don’t, then the skin condition bullshit and the stress and the mental stuff, it all wins. And I am not spending my time on this little blue ball letting something other than me determine what wins.

wherein Mama becomes the Blue Light Special at your local K-Mart

Tags

random shit that falls out of my brain, skin conditions, stress

Alright, not much time for a post tonight but I need to get something out because some of this is really just too interesting not to share.

The nice dermatologist PA dude said a low carb diet is the way to go with this shit. If the treatment he did today works as intended I shouldn’t need to have this done again for at least 3 months, and that’s good because he used a laser instead of just a light and it really rather fucking hurts. He also said that once the openings heal he wants me to start water aerobics again because, get this, chlorine pools are like taking a bleach bath and that’s totally awesome for this particular kind of bacterial nuisance.

Anyway, it does hurt a little. It’s kind of like if you crossed getting a tattoo with getting burned by bacon grease, at the same time, and on your inner thighs. Not something I want to do again any time soon.

So tonight we did Mama’s Last Supper. That’s where I sent Josh to Culver’s for a Reuben sandwich, fries, and sweet tea made with real sugar. I’m contemplating having dessert. Because tomorrow we are back on the low carb / mushy seed breakfast bandwagon.

my tolerance for bullshit has reached an all-time low

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, choices, DBT, drama free zone, family, health, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, save the drama for yo mama, skin conditions, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

Yeah, Mondays suck. I’ve been trying my best to deal with the ridiculous quantities of bullshit going on right now and, honestly, I think I’m doing a fan-fucking-tastic job. But truly, a girl can only take so much at once.

Josh and I have both smoked what should be our last cigarettes. That happened yesterday. Remarkably it hasn’t been as hard as I remember quitting can be. Part of it is that it’s been hot as hell here lately. I hate smoking outside when it’s really hot, wet, windy, or cold. So basically there are like 6 weeks out of 52 that I find smoking outside tolerable in Nebraska.

Because of all the drama going on with Josh’s health I’ve been trying to take care of myself as best I can and not make a fuss about not really feeling great myself. I know it’s stress and that this stress will pass, I really do get that. But my skin crap is flaring up on both legs now and draining like that cheap old car we all had that leaked oil like some kind of freak mechanical miscarriage. It ain’t pretty in my special long-legged drawers right now kids, not pretty at all.

So I called the dermatologist’s office to get an appointment to try the phototherapy whatever. She’s on vacation this week so I’ll see her PA, her dude PA. Keep in mind that my problem area is my inner thighs, right up next to where all my junk is. The nurse explained that they’ll “paint” the area, let it sit (to give it time to think about what it’s done to me???), then I’ll sit under the light. The whole process is supposed to take about two hours. And then, get this, I cannot expose the affected area to sunlight for 48 hours. She told me that and I’m all, “honey, that part of this body hasn’t seen the actual light of day in YEARS.”

Oh sweet jezuz, what the fuck am I getting myself into now…

My appointment is at 12:30, if it runs 2 hours I’ll be done at 2:30. Josh’s appointment with the anesthesia people is at 3:30. I know where we’re going but he doesn’t and I’m not entirely sure how to work all of this because he and I will be coming from complete opposite sides of town. Righty-o.

Alright, I’ve had my 15 minutes of bitching, time to suck it up and get on with kicking ass and taking names.

It’s certainly not a popular opinion that I hold, but I will tell you that it is my heart-felt belief that each of us is faced with choices every day and how we choose shapes the remainder of our days. I said something to this effect to someone the other day and was met with utter resistance. I was told that I couldn’t possibly say that everyone can choose.

I’m here to tell you that they can and they do. There are no excuses. Maybe you aren’t in a state of mind to make a reasonable choice today but I would suggest that it likely has to do with a choice you made on a different day. And don’t for one minute think that not making a choice gets your ass off the hook. Not choosing is a form of choosing, rather a coward’s way.

I’m choosing not to put up with whiny ass bullshit drama anymore. I have better things to do with my time.

my life isn’t always funny

Tags

anxiety, health, life, limits, skin conditions, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

I’ve probably mentioned that Josh was going to have the surgery to remove some damaged tissue from the big infection he had. He had until today to get all of his medical clearances which means he waited until Tuesday to start doing anything about it. They tried to do an EKG but the readings weren’t good, so he went back yesterday. Still not good, so they sent him for a stress test this morning.

The cardiologist did another EKG, which he said was good enough I guess, but he didn’t like the way the stress test came out so Josh goes back on Wednesday to see if he has a blockage.

He’s 42 years old and may well have a blocked artery.

And he isn’t taking any of this seriously, to him it’s no big deal. He doesn’t get why I’m upset and I’m fairly sure he’s pissed that I haven’t paid his medical bills. But he’s done this to himself and I just can’t stand idly by and watch him slowly kill himself like this.

the best laid plans of Mama OR why Tuesday kind of sucked as bad as Monday, but maybe only on the level of sucking tadpole nuts

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adventures in cooking, bipolar disorder, crochet, getting creative, getting healthy, goals, health, husbands are like large children who still don't listen, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, recipes, skin conditions, stress, stress management, the world is full of fucking idiots

Holy fucking flying squirrels, TIME OUT!

I will spare you some of the gory details because I’m polite like that, but dammit, what a day. Josh still doesn’t have everything taken care of for his pre-op crap and somehow that was my fault, even though I’ve been nagging him about it since we found out it needed to be done. Evidently I was supposed to completely plan out all of it to ensure that he got to class, got the supplies he needs for class (that place closes at 5pm and is on the other side of town), got all of his homework done on time, and got the pre-op stuff done (had to be at the doc’s office before 6pm) AND all of this had to be done this week.

Needless to say he’s at home today because the goddamn EKG didn’t go well and this way he not only gets a day off work but can do all of that other shit plus have time to fuck around. Apparently life is good when you’re an idiot.

I met with shrinky-poo yesterday and that, fortunately, went really well. I mentioned to her this glorious rash I developed after setting up the garden with Mom a few weeks ago and evidently, get this, I am ALLERGIC TO THE SUN. Long term lithium usage apparently makes you sensitive to natural sunlight so it’s likely that any time I’m outside for any length of time I’ll turn bright red, bumpy/blistery, and itch like mad. Ah yes, you’re jealous, I get it.

Last night after all the excitement I though to myself, “self, we should totally work on that crocheted vest. Fucking thing is damn near done. Let’s get on that right now!” And so I did. Then this happened…

that’s one of the “sleeves” and there is a 360 degree twist in it

that’s what it looks like all laid out; notice how incredibly ruffly the sleeve bits are? ick

and that is one of my man-hands laying on top of it to show how ridiculously too fucking big it is

I put it in time out and started working on the knit shrug instead while I decided the fate of this monstrosity. The yarn is phenomenal and it deserves to be turned into something truly lovely. So I really think that it’s going to be frogged (ripped out so that the yarn can be reused, for those of you who aren’t knitters/crocheters). Right now I just can’t hardly bear to look at it.

One of the other things I decided to do last night was try some new recipes involving chia seeds. (yes, I am 100% jumping on the healthy hipster food bandwagon and I apparently like torturing myself) I made a really good smoothie that I will absolutely make again, probably tonight. And then I decided to try this breakfast thing. Kind of like oatmeal but made with the seeds. The recipe looked easy, sounded tasty, so off I went.

fish eyes, yummy!

surely adding more milk will help, right?

the rest of that bottle of milk PLUS some frozen blueberries! surely this is all it really needs, right?

So now I’m sitting next to a bowl of what looks remarkably like fish eyes with rabbit turds floating in it, hoping like hell that the blueberries defrost and I can maybe eat this shit. The flavor isn’t bad, honestly, it’s the texture that’s a little strange. And I’m really thinking that I may need to put a safety belt on the toilet later.

One of these days I’ll learn.

the excitement is just never-fucking-ending

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, family, getting creative, goals, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress

Bear with me kids, I’m unbelievably tired right now. Well, unbelievably for me considering I got a full night’s sleep and I’ve actually had time to eat some nutritious food today. I could seriously go for a margarita and a nap.

I got up at 5am, got on the treadmill, worked on the black & white vest for a few minutes, and got on with my day. For some reason when I got to work it just sort of all went downhill, but not in a bad way. More in a “holy fuck, is there actually a brain in my skull or did someone sneak in and replace it with Folgers?” kind of way. I got shit done but it was slow and painful and probably funny to watch.

So we went and saw the dermatologist this afternoon. She was delightful as always. I told her that Josh has been doing the same kinds of preventative shit that I do and what happened with this latest flare. She looked at his ass-crater and offered some more intensive options. She also said she would 100% endorse going ahead with the surgery.

As of June 22 Josh will truly be a half-assed husband.

Ok, not quite, but it’s funny. Sort of. Between now and then we each have a psych appointment and I have a therapy appointment. Oy.

Anyway, just wanted to pop in with a small update. My 28 day challenge stuff is going well, I’ve got a box of stuff to take to Goodwill, goals for the week are going well, and for the most part I feel swell.

well that was not as useful as expected

Tags

28 day challenge, anxiety, getting creative, goals, motivation, skin conditions, stress

Apparently y’all are just as noncommittal about what I should do for the June challenge as I am. I guess I’ll just have to make up my mind for myself. Oh the horror!

Part of why I want to embark on this little journey right now is because I really kind of feel like I’ve lost my mojo when it comes to taking charge. I’m a little behind with some rather important tasks at work, I’m kind of half-assing it with the whole getting healthy thing, and I honestly haven’t really been finishing things lately. I find all of this frustrating and I want to do something about it. So I’ve decided.

The theme for my 28 Day Challenge will be finishing the craft projects that I have started. Those projects will include:

• a knit shrug (almost half done)
• the black and white vest (probably about 1/3 done)
• the crocheted vest (not even 1/4 done)
• small dragon cross stitch (about 1/3 done)

That gives me one week to finish each project. I’m committing a minimum of one hour per day. If I finish a project in less than a week I will almost certainly start on the next. And I might cheat by getting back to the black and white vest before Monday since I had said I wanted to try to finish that for this week’s regular goals. Hey, it’s my party and I will cheat on myself all I want. I plan to post my official plan on Sunday and then start in earnest on Monday. Progress reports, complete with photos, will be made on Sundays. (last time it was Fridays, but this feels more right somehow, so I’m just going with it)

We had the appointment with the plastic surgeon yesterday to discuss options for Josh’s ass. It’s finally starting to heal but now that the swelling from the infection is mostly gone it’s a lot easier to see where it tunneled under the skin from one site to another. It actually changed the contour of his ass. Weird, to say the least.

Anyway, the surgeon said that Josh is definitely a candidate for surgical intervention for this shit. He explained what he’d need to do, that it would be an outpatient procedure, and that Josh would be off work for about a week recovering. Insurance would cover this since it’s medically necessary and not at all cosmetic.

Here’s the crap part; there’s no guarantee that the infection wouldn’t come back in another location and then that could potentially require surgery as well.

So next week we’re going to see my dermatologist to see what she can offer. We’re already doing all of the preventative things at home that are possible, the surgeon confirmed that yesterday. The dermatologist had mentioned antibiotic therapy as a possibility and Josh is probably more of a candidate for that than I am given that I’m allergic to damn near all antibiotics. There’s also some kind of blue light thing that she’s mentioned before, but I can’t remember if that’s only really effective during flare ups.

At this point we really don’t have quite enough information to make a decision, hopefully the visit with the dermatologist will give us that. I know that I don’t want to see him have to go through this again if we can possibly avoid it. Beyond that, I don’t know much of anything.

 

I have survived (so far)

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, crochet, getting creative, getting healthy, health, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress

Here’s an update on the week that isn’t exactly the weekly goals update…

Since last Friday Josh has seen the GP 6 times (including today). The infection still isn’t really clearing up like it should be. Now you can actually feel the tunnel that runs beneath the skin and links the two sites. It’s disgusting to say the least. All of the stress from this has been causing difficulties between us that finally came to a head last night. In retrospect I feel like I handled things pretty well. I smoked a little, walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes, and just focused on taking care of me for a little while. Things are, for now, better.

I was off work at 10am yesterday and make really good use of my time. Mom and I got a bunch of stuff loaded in my jeep and hauled it to Goodwill, had lunch, made grocery lists, ran to Kohl’s, and went to two grocery stores. I got two of the bathrooms cleaned, all of my laundry done including the bedding, cleaned out my backpack, organized the linen cupboard in the upstairs bathroom, filled all 3 of my pill trays for the week, and had time to spend on my butt on the sofa crocheting in front of the new TV. Not a bad day at all.

Yesterday I walked 4.18 miles which is 9,711 steps. And no, not all of that was from the treadmill. A significant portion had to do with going to 3 stores and walking up and down all the steps in this joint while cleaning yesterday. But I must say, I love the Fitbit. Oh, and I lost another 1.5lbs. So yay.

Amazingly enough there’s still a ton to do. I hope y’all are having a good weekend and are enjoying whatever you’re doing to relax.

Love, Mama