cocktail, anyone?

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, sick, sleep, stress, tardive dyskinesia, when good meds go bad

One of the many delightful things those of us living with mental illnesses get to deal with is medication, or medicationS. My doc has always referred to this combination of meds as a cocktail, and I’ve heard that term used by many others. Unlike your typical margarita, a mental health med cocktail will normally be made up of a group of meds that work together to manage a person’s symptoms. The trick is finding the right combination.

Since being diagnosed almost 10 years ago, I’ve taken a whole host of medications. Some did nothing, some did things entirely too well even at the lowest dose, some didn’t interact with the core meds right, one left me with a really rotten ass facial tic, and one damn near killed me. Good times.

The thing that I find fascinating is how two people who have very similar or even the same Dx will end up on different – successful – cocktails. This is always, in my experience, due to the different ways the symptoms of the illness manifest. Let me see if I can illustrate this using Josh and myself.

We both have Bipolar Disorder type 2. I have an additional Dx of Borderline Personality Disorder, he has an additional Dx of Attention Deficit Disorder. We both have trouble sleeping. We both have highly addictive personalities.

I don’t remember back to the very beginning of my freshly diagnosed days that well. (too much booze and too many pills will do that to you) I remember being tried on a different anti-depressant while in the hospital and getting extremely suicidal. I think I was put on Lithium pretty early. I also remember having been on Seroquel, Topomax, Abilify, Geodon, Klonopin, Xanax, and Lamictal. There are almost certainly some that I don’t remember.

• Seroquel turned me into a fucking zombie and is in the same chemical family as Geodon which produced a side effect called Tardive Dyskinesia. It’s rotten. That’s where the facial tic came from. No more of either of those, or any of the other meds in that family.
• Topomax made anything carbonated taste like sewer water. That was it.
• Abilify stopped working after awhile, though I think it was supposed to help with the mood stabilization.
• Klonopin was entirely too addictive, as was Xanax. They were both prescribed for anxiety, something I have a lot of trouble with.
• Lamictal damn near killed me. It was supposed to end up as a replacement for Lithium. Sadly, I started to develop Stevens-Johnson Syndrome. Nothing quite like hives in your mucous membranes – all of them.

Lithium has been my constant companion through all of this. Additionally right now I take Depakote, Gabapentin, Melatonin, and Benadryl. I know – Melatonin and Benadryl are not strictly psych meds, but they’re essential for knocking my ass out every night.

Josh was diagnosed earlier this year. He takes Seroquel XR for the Bipolar and Adderall XR for the ADD. To handle his sleep issues he takes Ambien. That’s it. Right now his symptoms are well controlled with just that.

The Adderall goes in first thing in the morning and is pretty much what gets him moving. He also drinks roughly 3 quarts of coffee before noon. Yes, he does vibrate.

The Seroquel goes in with dinner and makes him act a little drunk. The Ambien goes in around 9:30 and, in combination with the Seroquel, produces wicked munchies right before passing out. The Ambien also makes him act drunk since it works on the same reactors in the brain that alcohol does.

Am I a little jealous? You bet your ass I am. But my body chemistry is so incredibly fucked up that it’s really nothing short of a miracle that anything works for me.

blog for mental health 2014

Tags

bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2014, borderline personality disorder, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, tardive dyskinesia, when good meds go bad

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”

Greetings and salutations.  This is my first post for Blog for Mental Health 2014.  Welcome to my little world.

My name is Erin, I’m 37 years old.  I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II when I was 29 and then with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was 31.  I’ve attempted suicide 4 times, 2 of which landed me in the ICU.  The last time my doc wasn’t sure if I’d caused myself permanent brain damage.  That was in 2010.  I have since completed my first Master’s degree, gotten married for the 3rd time, advanced in my job as an instructional designer at a highly respected university, and started a second Master’s degree.

I am way more that my diagnoses.

I’ve taken a wide array of meds to control my symptoms – so many that I’ve forgotten most of them.  My long term memory is kind of shot and my short term memory is temperamental at best.  If I need to really remember something I write it down.  I have a 4ft x 6ft white board in my office at work so I can keep track of what I’m working on.  At home I use steno pads.

But let’s see what I can remember.

• Lithium – been a constant since day one; the dose changes sometimes but I’ve never been off it – currently at 1500mg/day
• Depakote – got on this last year when Geodon caused me to have tardive dyskinesia and I had to get off it – started at 1500mg, down to 1000mg right now to try to get rid of an annoying tremor in my hands
• Gabapentin – picked this up for anxiety and found it was great for the shit that seems to hit me right before bed; taking 900mg at night
• Benadryl and Melatonin – not really psych meds, but they’re part of my bed time cocktail – I take one Benadryl (25mg) and one Melatonin (5mg) along with the Depakote and Gabapentin – and then I pray that those 10 pills work and I get some sleep
• Geodon – took that for ages in different doses, finally had to get off because of the TD (nasty shit that TD)
• Seroquel – taken as little as 25mg/day all the way up to 800mg/day – still not sure how I managed to function at that high of a dose, but I did – kept working my full time job, too – it’s off the table now since it’s in the same drug class as Geodon
• Xanax – love that shit but I’m only allowed to have it in very specific circumstances; doc says I have a “highly addictive personality” and Xanax is highly addictive – it’s an absolute must for me if I have to get on an airplane
• Topomax – this was quite awhile ago so I don’t recall the dose or really why I was on it, all I remember is that it made any drink with carbonation taste like sewer water – to this day I’m still not fond of carbonated beverages because of that
• Abilify – pretty sure this was used as a supplemental mood stabilizer, but again, it’s been awhile – got to the point where it just really didn’t seem to do anything
• Lamictal – touted as a wonderful replacement for Lithium, but it never worked that way for me – I “challenged” it 3 times (take it for awhile and see if you have any nasty side effects) and the last time I got the start of Stevens-Johnson syndrome (hives inside your nose and girl bits suck) – fortunately I caught it in time and didn’t have the full blown experience, but I will NEVER try that shit again

I’m sure there have been others, but that’s all the brain is pulling up right now.

I’m fortunate to have a wonderful psychiatrist that I fondly refer to as shrinky-poo.  When I was first diagnosed I had this grumpy ass-hat of a doc that kept me so doped up on the Seroquel that I was really just a zombie version of myself.  It was so bad that I had lost all of my facial affect.  Fortunately the therapist I was seeing at the time knew of shrinky-poo and gave me the recommendation.  She’s been awesome.

I did see a whole slew of therapists when I first started this adventure.  There was the new age gal to start with (super nice, but totally not equipped for someone like me), the gal I found through United Way that got me the referral to shrinky-poo and then told me that she had Bipolar as well (at which time my sessions turned into bitchfests and I didn’t really feel I was getting good treatment anymore), the weird guy with the office downtown who kept asking me for the same exact background information each of the 6 times I saw him, and then the last one was in the same practice as shrinky-poo and was – in my mind – the best equipped to take me on.  I haven’t seen him in over 2 years now.  I felt like I got what I needed and moved on.

I did go through an entire year’s worth of DBT to help manage the Borderline.  I would actually recommend that for anyone with a mental health diagnosis.  When I first started I was incredibly resistant and actually pretty bitchy about having to go.  Shrinky-poo and my therapist blind-sided me and said if I didn’t do the DBT they were both terminating my treatment.  In hindsight, they saved my life.  I learned incredibly valuable skills that continue to help me handle emotionally difficult situations in an effective way.  Really good stuff.

But I feel like – most days – I’m at the point in my recovery where my mental health doesn’t play the lead role in my life anymore.  My meds are mostly stable, my moods fluctuate but much more like a person who doesn’t have a mood disorder, I’m able to do all of self-care on a regular basis, I’m not acting out on the Borderline urges much at all anymore…  I wouldn’t say that I’m “cured” – not by any means – but I would say that with the help of an awesome support network (doc, family, hubs, friends, co-workers) I feel like your average stranger would never know I’ve got a diagnosis unless I open up and tell them.

And really, I think that’s just pretty fucking awesome.

So, a lot of what you’ll find here is me talking about what it looks like to be me.  Some days that’s a whole lot of mental health, and some days none at all.  My diagnoses always color my interpretations of the world, but it doesn’t always come out in my writing.  I am going to try to start writing specifically about mental health more because it seems like perhaps I’ve been neglecting that lately.

Anyway, thanks for visiting and reading.

Lots of love,

Mental Mama aka Erin

i cannot even be bothered to come up with a catchy title

Tags

bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, normal, school, sleep, stress, tardive dyskinesia, the world is full of fucking idiots, when good meds go bad, work

Wow, I am so far gone right now…

I’ve been doing a few things around the office to deal with stuff.  Not necessarily the important stuff I really ought to be doing, but stuff nonetheless.  I’ve been chatting with folks here through comments and having interesting discussions on Facebook.  But the inside of my brain feels rather like a pinball game right now.

Here’s some things you might actually be interested in since shoes are really just sort of boring…

The tardive dyskinesia is nearly gone.  I still find my face doing the random odd thing when I’m trying to fall asleep, but that’s really about the only time I notice it anymore.  Zero weird twitches with the arm.  This is wonderful progress.

My body seems to have figured out how to deal with the whole balancing act that is “sleep” these days.  I pretty well only get the full 8 that I’d like on the weekends, closer to 6 during the week.  This doesn’t seem to be much of a problem anymore.  However, I am pretty well having to jump start my brain in the morning with an energy drink.  In my defense, that’s just about the only caffeine I consume in the average day.

The moods seem to be mostly stable.  Josh and I do still jump on each others shit now and then, but it’s not bad.  Our relationship seems to keep evolving and growing and I take those as good things.  It seems to take a whole lot less these days to really piss me off (unless you won’t listen to what you’re being told or blow your fucking nose) and the “flare ups” seem to pass a lot quicker.  I don’t feel as though I’ve had what I would characterize as a true “Borderline episode” in ages now.  (thank you Mom for forcing me to do the DBT thing)

The med thing seems to be good.  I’m still at 1500mg of Lithium and 1500mg of Depakote with the 5mg Melatonin thrown in for good measure.  Most of the time I’m able to focus on the task at hand, demonstrate motivation, think appropriately, and behave like the normies.  I’ve got an appointment with shrinky-poo coming up on Friday but it’s our usual garden variety “just gotta make sure you aren’t having trouble, here, have some more pills” kind of thing.

I am delighted that I took this class this summer, though not delighted that I still have to write a 10 page paper.  I’ve scored incredibly well on everything that’s been graded so far.  I have no doubt that I’ll earn an A.  I also have no doubt that I will think twice about taking a 5 week class next summer.  It’s really just too much shit crammed in too short a span of time.

awesome weekend update

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, kids, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, school, tardive dyskinesia, work

Wow, that was incredibly awesome…

The visit with shrinky-poo went pretty well as I’d expected it would.  She was very pleased to see how well I was doing and reassured me that things should continue to stay good.  She said my blood work had all come back right where she wanted it to.  I told her I’m a little less than motivated and she said that will probably sort itself out in the next few weeks, but if it doesn’t, there’s wiggle room with the Lithium.  I did remember to tell her about the twitch in my arm and she said that is still the Geodon and that it should go away soon.

Josh spent good amounts of time just relaxing together and getting things done.  All of the chores got taken care of, all but one of the errands got run, we went to a graduation party, had a few appropriate drinks together, watched some great movies, and had a delightful time.  We haven’t had a fight now in ages.  It’s been glorious.

Saturday morning Mom and I went for pedicures.  Since we rarely get time to go out and just do things together we turned it into a girls’ morning out and did a little shopping.  I got 2 great new outfits, compliments of Mom.  The best part?  While she and I were out doing our thing, Josh took it upon himself to handle most of the chores at home – without being asked.  Amazing.

I managed to get my homework done yesterday afternoon while Josh was taking some rental movies back.  I hope it’s alright.  It’s been a few years since I’ve done any academic writing.  This wasn’t really formal, just answering some questions about expectations and such.  It does seem like it’s going to be nice to have something to occupy a little of my time with.  And the more I think about what’s supposed to happen in this class, the more I’m looking forward to it.  It just feels kind of perfect.

The moods lately seem pretty perfect, too.  I don’t get overly grumpy or bitchy hardly at all any more.  I do seem to be able to push myself when there’s something that needs to be done.  And, maybe most remarkable of all, I’ve finally learned how to relax.  Sounds kind of weird, but I always used to feel like I constantly had to be in motion, doing something productive.  I’ve finally learned to appreciate the value of slowing down and enjoying doing nothing.  That, possibly more than anything else, has really helped my marriage.

Not so perfect right now is Josh’s ex wife.  We had made plans to have the brat and my nieces all over this weekend for a massive slumber party.  We got a shit-ton of craft supplies for the girls and were going to start doing stuff early in the afternoon and then all day on Sunday.  I got an email from the ex yesterday morning saying the brat has street hockey play offs this weekend and we might not be able to pick her up until late in the day on Saturday, depending on whether or not her team wins.  Of course, the one weekend we actually have plans.  I’d really like to just slap that bitch.

I’ve saved the best for last…

JOSH GOT HIRED PERMANENT THIS MORNING!!!

He sent me a text just a few minutes after he started telling me that today is orientation day.  I asked, to make sure, that he’d been hired and he said yes.  Not entirely sure if this means any real changes for us, but it definitely makes me proud of him.

not much to say

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, school, stress, tardive dyskinesia, when good meds go bad, work

I’m trying really hard to just wrap up this week and then relax.  And unfortunately that makes for really boring posts.  Sorry kids.

Things at home are going well.  Josh and I just hung out together last night watching tv.  It was boring and nice all at the same time.  We’ve been getting along really well for awhile now and it’s nice.

I started the work for my class already.  I got the reading done and I’ve been going back over the first assignment to make sure I understand it before I start working on it.  It shouldn’t be too hard – just a one page synopsis of a reading, and it’s all opinion.  I just need to figure out when I’m going to do it.  I’d like to have it done this weekend before I go back to work on Tuesday.

This degree will be a lot different than my first Master’s.  This will be in person classes, a lot more assignments, and I know a lot of the people who will be teaching the classes so they know good and well just what kind of work I’m capable of.  Kind of puts the pressure on.

I don’t seem to be minding pressure these days.  I don’t seem to mind too much of anything really.  I’m still incredibly mellow and really enjoying it.  Even this morning – Josh’s alarm clock was just annoying the fuck out of me.  I just got up and away from it and then when he came up to smoke I was able to sort of joke about it.  It was good.

I’ve got the appointment with shrinky-poo this afternoon, which I’m sure will go just fine.  This is just a check in to make sure the meds are still working right.  I think everything is pretty good except for not having a whole lot of extra energy.  And that seems to be coming back a little bit, so I’m guessing maybe it’s still just my body adjusting to the new chemicals and routines.  Overall I’d say I’ve been very happy with the Depakote.

I do still have twitches of the tardive dyskinesia from the Geodon.  It actually spread to my right arm.  It’s only noticeable when I’m standing with my arms at my sides.  I’ll try to remember to tell her about it today, but it doesn’t really bother me.  My face is getting better, slowly, which is good.  Just kind of makes me wonder how long this is going to last.

I’m hoping to be able to get a lot of stuff done over this long weekend.  I’ve got quite a few chores to catch up on, the ever present laundry and errands, a graduation party to go to, and a lot of time to spend with Josh.  I’ve missed him quite a bit lately.

keeping hope alive

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, quitting smoking, rapid cycling, sleep, stress, tardive dyskinesia, when good meds go bad

Hi kids, did you miss me?

Sorry I was gone a few days, I had some things I needed to sort in my broken little brain.  And really, the only thing I wanted to talk about was how I haven’t been sleeping and was really nervous about the appointment yesterday.  Quite frankly, I decided I was tired of hearing myself whine so I just shut up for a few days.  I’m back now.

The appointment with shrinky-poo went well.  Both Mom and Josh were able to be there for it, which was nice.  We’re going to try Depakote and see if that doesn’t do the trick.  She said it’s just about the last of the “regular” psych meds we can try.  It’s in the same class as Lithium and can be taken with it safely.  I’m starting at 1000mg a night for the first three nights and then I’ll go up to 1500mg.

I started last night and already I can feel a difference.  I slept better than I have in a few weeks and this morning I feel pretty calm.  Granted, the day has barely begun, but I’ve been waking up feeling anxious lately and I don’t have that today which is a blessed relief.  She said there is something we can add into the mix if the anxiety doesn’t start to get better, which was reassuring.

If the Depakote doesn’t work as she wants it to, then we have to get really creative.  She didn’t really elaborate on what exactly that meant, but it told me that she’s got a contingency plan and that made me feel better.

And really, not having a plan has been a huge part of my problem lately.  For the last few weeks I haven’t known what was going on with my situation.  I knew that I was doing everything I possibly could to help make things better, but it wasn’t working well enough.  I needed her help and guidance, but I had to give her time to get there.  Now that we have a plan I feel better.

My only real complaint about the Depakote so far is that the pills are HUGE and I’m taking 2 of them until Thursday and then I’ll start taking 3 of them.  I’m not that great about swallowing pills anyway because of all the overdoses I’ve had, but big pills are even more problematic.  And they’re extended release tablets, so it’s not as though I can break them in half to make them smaller.  Oh well, it’s a small price to pay for getting some sleep.

I asked her about the tardive dyskinesia and she said it shouldn’t get any worse, but it’ll take awhile yet to completely clear up.  She’s pretty confident that we caught it early enough that it didn’t become permanent, but I guess the Geodon lingers in your system for quite some time and continues to cause this.  Once my body is free of it, it should clear up on it’s own.  I’m doing a rapid taper on the Geodon right now – 2 more nights of 40mg and then 7 nights of 20mg and I’m done.  She wants me off it as fast, but as safe, as possible.

I’ve been keeping up with the walking.  I’ve upped it to at least 1.25 miles per day, which is roughly 30 minutes.  I’m going to see if I can push it a little further tonight since Josh will be at school again.  I’m making Portabello stuffed ravioli with a mushroom sauce for dinner, which shouldn’t take long, so I should be able to walk at least 45 minutes I’m thinking.  The walking really does seem to be the best thing for my anxiety lately.  If I can just make it to the treadmill I can get my head right again.

I’m also really working on the whole healthier eating thing.  I’ve started eating my dinner off a smaller plate, I’m drinking protein shakes every now and then, and I discovered that my beloved lemon tea has less caffeine in the entire 2 quarts I drink than in a single 8 oz serving of Josh’s coffee.  I think I can swing that.  It’s the little things that are going to add up to a big difference for me.

One little thing that’s about to become big – I think – is the smoking.  I’m starting to get signs from my body that it’s about ready to give up the habit.  I rarely smoke a full cigarette anymore, unless I’m in the car, I only smoke one on the rides to and from work, and the one I smoke on the way home from work is always the last anymore.  On average I’d say I’m probably only smoking 12 or 13 cigarettes a day, compared to the full pack plus I used to smoke.  This is big for me.  I’m not pushing it though.  This is my last crutch and I don’t really feel like mentally I’m in a place where I can safely take this away.

The moods have been interesting lately.  When I talked to shrinky-poo yesterday we came to the conclusion that I’m probably rapid cycling right now.  I got from one extreme to the other in the span of minutes sometimes.  That in and of itself is exhausting.  But Josh said I haven’t been any more difficult to live with lately than I ever am, which is good.  He’s also taken to calling me his Wonder Woman, which I think is very sweet.  And yesterday when we got home from fetching pills after my appointment, he made both lunches, his coffee, and my tea – without being asked.  I had planned to do all of that after my walk, but he just jumped right in and did it.  Awesome.

petrified

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, meds, mental health, mental illness, tardive dyskinesia, when good meds go bad

I just got back from my visit with shrinky-poo.  It did not go as well as I’d hoped it would.

She had me sit still for a minute and watched my face and then asked me what all was going on.  I described everything in as much detail as I could and then admitted that it’s actually been getting worse lately.  She’s insisting that I taper off the Geodon, starting tonight.  She says this will only progressively get worse and then it really will become permanent.  And by worse she meant debilitating.

And she had no answers.  At this moment she has no idea what else might work.  The entire class of drugs that Geodon is a part of is now off limits.  That includes Seroquel, Zyprexa, Abilify, and Risperdal.  I can’t take any of those.  She said over the next two weeks she’ll comb through the last five years worth of my charts and note every single med I’ve been on and why I’m no longer on it.  Then she’ll do research to find alternatives.

I’ve already talked to Mom and I’ve asked her to go with for this appointment.  She’s been with me through this entire ordeal and literally knows me better than anyone.  I want her to be a part of this decision.

I’m utterly terrified right now.  I can’t lose the parts of me I’ve just regained, I can’t.  And how fucking frightening is it for your doctor to admit that she has no idea how to treat your disease?

finally friday

Tags

bipolar disorder, kids, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, money, moods, sex, sleep, tardive dyskinesia, when good meds go bad, work

I’m sure I’ve felt this way before, but I can’t clearly recall the last time I was this ready for a week to be over.  It’s been one trial after another and I’m emotionally exhausted.  I don’t really feel like I’m in the best frame of mind to have to deal with the brat this weekend, but I’ll do my best.  Things are finally starting to look up and I hope they stay that way.

Josh and I got everything worked out yesterday when we both finally got home.  We talked and apologized and explained to each other our sides of the story.  I’m just a little overly sensitive most of the time and he’s extra thick-skinned.  We’ll make it work.  Unfortunately it was a rough evening and we didn’t make up fully as we’d intended.  It seemed like everything we did was destined to fail before we even started so we decided that trying to have sex was a really bad idea.  We talked and snuggled instead and I went to bed early.

I got up at 4:30 again this morning and fucked around with the computer for a bit.  I was trying to see if Josh had gotten paid today or not but the stupid server at the bank was offline for maintenance or something.  So I cleaned out my email and read a few blog posts instead of knitting.  I started trying to get him up around 5 but he was having no part of it.  I finally got him up at 5:50 and we got ready.  I told him yesterday that unless I’m having a really rough morning myself there’s no reason he should ever be worried about being late to work.  Either his ass will be out of bed on time or my size 11 wide foot will be lodged up it.

This morning is off to a better start though.  I’m seriously considering starting to get up at 4:30 all the time.  It gives me a little time to myself to do some things I want to do before I really have to start my day.  I like being able to ease into the day and not feel like I have to hit the ground running.  It really does make for a much smoother start.  And I do some of my best thinking first thing in the morning.

So, I got here on time and got my stuff setup for today and decided to try the bank again.  He did indeed get paid.  He had 44 hours on that check and for one week it was only $40 less than what he used to get for two weeks.  The only thing I’m not sure about is whether or not they took out child support.  I’m kind of guessing they didn’t, but I don’t know for sure.  I’m not even sure if he gets a pay stub from this place or not since they only do direct deposit.  I’ll have to have him call and check when he gets home tonight.

At any rate, we were really good last week and he still had most of the last paycheck from his other job still in his account so I’ve decided we’re going out tonight.  I might even try having a cocktail since I’ve been feeling better.  And I checked my bank account this morning and I still have more than enough to cover the one bill that hasn’t been paid without dipping into the savings account.  You probably can’t appreciate how happy this makes me.  I’m finally getting my shit back on track.  It feels really good.

The mood this morning is pretty good.  I feel rested and relaxed and ready to do some things.  I only have one meeting this afternoon and it’s with my team – I’m running through a new class with them to see if there are any kinks that need to be worked out.  It really should be a fun time I think.

Shrinky-poo seemed very surprised when I told her I’ll stick with the Geodon despite the tardive dyskinesia.  I just can’t imagine going back to not being myself.  It was terrible.  I didn’t have any ambition or motivation and I really had very little emotion.  I could register physical pain, but that was about it.  With the Geodon I feel like I’m alive again and really living, not just existing.  It’s a huge difference.  And if I have to live with the TD to feel like myself, so be it.

last update for the day, I promise

Tags

bipolar disorder, meds, mental health, mental illness, tardive dyskinesia, when good meds go bad

Just talked to shrinky-poo.  I told her that Mom and my boss agreed that I’m more like me on the Geodon that I ever was on anything else and that if I have to be twitchy to be myself, I guess I’ll twitch.  She sounded surprised, but agreed that it should be ok.  I stay at 80mg until I see her on 3/29.  YAY!

it would appear I never learn

Tags

bipolar disorder, divorce, kids, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, sex, stress, tardive dyskinesia, when good meds go bad

After I posted yesterday afternoon about the sexting incident I got to thinking, really thinking.  I came to the conclusion that the whole incident was my fault.  Let me explain…

I’ve never known Josh to be even remotely good at flirting.  Thinking he could make the jump from a simple flirt to an overt sexual comment was just insane.  I didn’t give him enough input or parameters and so he failed, spectacularly.

I calmed down by the time I got home and told him I wanted to try this again.  I gave him some guidelines – wanting me to make noise is totally acceptable but comparing that noise to a sound made by an injured child is not acceptable.  Children and animals have no place in sex as far as I’m concerned.  So he tried again and did better.  I ended up doing the things I had told him I would and we had the best sex we’ve had in months.

The rest of the evening was quiet.  I had a long talk with Mom about the Geodon/TD thing and she agreed that the Geodon has been the best med I’ve ever been on besides the Lithium.  So I am for sure going to tell shrinky-poo this morning that I want to be on the lowest possible therapeutic dose of it but I don’t want to go off it even if the TD never clears up.  I can’t risk losing myself again, I just fucking can’t.  If I have to be twitchy the rest of my life in order to be me, so be it.

Fast forward to this morning.  Josh and I routinely take showers together.  Now that he’s working the same shift that I am we always shower together in the morning.  We have a kind of routine for that as well and most of the time it works quite well.  This morning he decided that he was done and got out before I did.  I felt abandoned.  He never does that and I didn’t know what was going on.  So I got quiet.  When he was ready to leave for work I refused to give him a kiss.  He got pissy.  Rather than apologize for hurting my feelings yet again he just stomped off.

So now here I am, hurt and alone, again, and I’ve got a literal mountain of stuff to do today.  I’ll be working late for a meeting and won’t get home until at least an hour later than I normally would.  And this bullshit is going to drag out all fucking day, I can feel it.

He always claims that he never tries to purposely hurt my feelings, but he’s so fucking good at doing it that it really makes me wonder.  It really feels like every single day he does or says something that just totally sets me off.  I can’t live like this anymore – the drama is just killing me.  I’ve tried taking myself to a place where his words and actions just don’t matter but I can’t seem to get there.  I just don’t know how to turn my heart off and that totally sucks.

The mood is low right now, really fucking low.  I don’t know what I should really be doing at this point.  The only thing I can really think of is to just start stuffing this shit and not saying anything about it.  I know that isn’t really a healthy alternative, but I don’t know what else to do.  Every time I say something it turns into this huge shit storm that I have to fight my way out of.  I fucking hate this.

And I can only imagine what this weekend is going to be like.  Josh works until noon so I have to go pick the brat up by myself and then go pick him up from work.  I’m hoping to have enough time between when I drop him off in the morning and when I have to leave to pick her up to get the chores done.  I have no idea what he plans to do with her this weekend and I really want no part of it.  I literally want to crawl in a hole and hide for 2 days.

He just finally apologized, but it was one of his usual snotty apologies.  “I’m sorry sorry sorry.”  He claims he got out of the shower because he was cold.  That really makes no sense to me – it sounds like a lame excuse and not a reason.  It’s quite a bit warmer in the shower than out of it.  Whatever.  I guess I really just don’t care anymore.  He’s going to continue to do and say whatever the fuck he wants to and keep stomping on my heart in the process.  Day by day he’s slowly breaking my spirit.