holy flying squirrels in super hero capes

Tags

family, friends, getting healthy, life, mental health, random shit that falls out of my brain, the world is full of fucking idiots, weight loss

Happy Thanksgiving to my American readers!  Happy Thursday to the rest of y’all.  🙂

It’s been a crazy week of “vacation.”  Do you ever really get a vacation as an adult?  I mean, you can get time away from work – but then there’s almost always stuff you’re needing to do at home.  And if you actually have money to travel somewhere, chances are you’re with someone who will completely get on your nerves by the time the trip is over.  No, I think vacations are really the realm of small people.

At any rate, my paper is nearly done.  I think at least 90% of the actual writing is done, I really just need to take a few bits and make them visual.  This is too text-heavy for my liking and these last bits are basically lists.  *yawn*  Anyway, I’m hoping to finish tomorrow so that I can start working on my presentation – which I have to give on Monday.  She said it’s “anything goes” for the presentations up to and including just getting up and talking, so I’m not overly worried.  I would like to make a totally killer presentation though, just because I have mad skillz, yo.

Mom had her special x-ray thing done yesterday and it was totally fine.  Well, hanging out in the waiting room with the unpleasant family where the small girl screamed the entire time at her brother and the dad ignored both of them pretty well sucked donkey dick, but Mom’s test came back fine.  The doc that was doing it couldn’t tell her what the specialist guy would for sure say, but he said that he suspects her tonsils will be coming out as they also saw how freakishly large they are.  And that’s kind of funny – my tonsils never really bothered me but my GP noticed when I went in for something else that they were big, sent to a specialist, she said they were huge, and I had them out 2 weeks later.

I don’t know how y’all feel about second-hand clothes, but I happen to love them.  Sadly, finding stuff in my size at the thrift shops isn’t easy.  Josh usually has better luck, but he’s kind of a big guy and the selection for him isn’t always great either.  However, my brother in law – who has too much money and loves clothes more than most women – is the same size as Josh, and he cleaned out part of his closet the other day.  Mom brought home THREE full size garbage bags full of nothing but shirts and light jackets.  We sorted through it, Josh tried on stuff, and we added a quite sizable chunk to his winter wardrobe.  And then we went through our clothes to see what we didn’t need anymore.  Some of what Josh didn’t want will go to work with him so that the guys there can see if there’s something they can use.  The rest will go to the thrift shop up the street so that hopefully someone else can make use of it.

So I mentioned the other day that I’m going to start trying to lose a little weight.  Merbear and I are contemplating doing some kind of “bloggers biggest loser” something or other – possibly with teams, possibly with prizes – who knows at this point.  At any rate, is anyone else out there interested in jumping on this crazy train?  We wouldn’t start until Jan 1 so we have a little time to think about this and plan.  Just let me know what you think.

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totally not related

Tags

getting healthy, healthy, quality of life, weight loss

So I think I’ve mentioned that I’m walking at least a mile every evening to help with my sleep and that I’m trying to eat better food to make myself feel better.  Less chocolate, not so many fried things, more fruits and veggies, lean proteins – good stuff.  My body feels pretty terrific, I must say.  Just for giggles I decided to weigh myself on Saturday to get a baseline.  I should mention that I generally hate scales.  I know what I’m worth as a person and it has nothing to do with my mass.  I’ve been essentially the same size since I was 19 years old – I’ve very comfortable with this ass.  But this morning I thought to myself, “what the hell, let’s see if anything has happened.”  So I got back on the scale.

I’m down a pound and a half in 4 days.

And it really sort of disgusts me that I’m so pleased by this.  I really do like my body and I’m not out to radically change it.  I well and truly set out on this journey to get healthier and feel better – period.  But hey, what woman doesn’t like the prospect of buying smaller pants?

So, for the sake of posterity, I’m going to try to document my progress.  Perhaps I can help provide a little hope for others who are struggling to get healthy.

When I started on Saturday I checked in at 257lbs.  Today I’m down to 255.5lbs.  I’m not planning to weigh every day like my Mom does, probably more like once a week.  And please, don’t expect any spandex-laden full body progress shots.  Just when it seems appropriate I’ll pop in with how I’m doing.  And when I come across good recipes, I’ll make sure to share them.

This is NOT about body image.  I’m quite pleased with my rolls, thanks very much.  It’s about getting healthy and living a long life.  I’ve got far too many things to get done yet to check out at an early age.  And I’d really prefer to feel good in my own skin for a very long time.  There will be no radical changes in diet or activity – no boot camps or sweating until I pass out.  No starving myself or only eating broccoli for a week.  This is about lifestyle modifications that will make me feel better as a whole person.  If I’m not completely happy the entire time I do this, it just won’t happen – I know me.  But I also know that the little easy things will add up to a big difference.

It’s all about the quality of life, and I intend to get 5 star performance out of my body.

about being fat

Tags

bipolar disorder, knitting, life, limits, love, mental illness, sleep, weight loss, work

When Josh and I started dating he weighed 205lbs.  He was fairly slender with just a bit of a belly on him.  At that point he hardly ate, smoked like a damn chimney, and drank beer every night.  He also worked a driving job and was out in the heat for nearly 12 hours a day.  When we moved in with my mom he started eating better.  Then he stopped drinking every night.  And now the pounds are just packing on.  At last check he was up to 255lbs.  That’s a 50lb gain in just over a year.

He always bitches about his back bothering him.  I finally suggested to him last night that perhaps it’s because of all the weight he’s carrying in front.  He looks 10 months pregnant and his belly button has gone almost flat.  It’s really kind of disgusting.  And in true dude fashion, all of this extra weight is in his belly.

I’m fat, don’t let me try to tell you I’m not.  Last time I weighed myself I checked in at 265lbs, and I’m a good 6″ shorter than he is.  The difference is that this is the same size I’ve been since I was about 20 years old and I carry my weight all over my body.  I look big, but I look proportional.  I’d definitely like to lose some weight, it’s just hard with him constantly eating in front of me.

My biggest problem with Josh being as big as he is is that I’m not finding him attractive anymore, particularly when he’s naked.  When we first started going out I wanted to have sex all the time, like every time I saw him.  When we moved in together I wanted it every day, and for a long time we did just that.  Now, I don’t really want it at all anymore.

I don’t want to say something to him about it because I don’t want to hurt his feelings.  My first husband told me once that the reason we hardly ever had sex was because I was fat and that just killed me.  I don’t want to do that to Josh, but I’d really like to go back to wanting sex more often.

I’ve been trying to provide more nutritious food in his lunch so that he doesn’t come home so hungry.  When that happens all he does is eat everything in sight until it’s time for dinner and then he eats some more.  It’s not healthy.  So I’ve been trying to send stuff with him to eat throughout the day so that he never gets too hungry.  Not sure yet if it’s helping, but I hope so.

I want my sexy husband back.

*****

Yesterday turned out to be a decent day.  I didn’t get nearly as much done at work as I’d have liked, but I did enough to keep my boss off my back.  At home I managed to get some more progress made on my tote bag and I got all of the evening chores done.  Josh and I didn’t fight at all, but I was pretty quiet.  I had hoped I’d be in the mood to have sex when I got home but then I got a good look at him naked and it just kind of vanished.  Maybe tonight.

The mood is holding fairly steady.  I seem to be hovering around the up side of neutral most of the time, so that helps.  My sleep was a little better last night, though not as good as it had been last week.  Not sure what’s going on with that, but I hope the good stuff comes back soon.  I need a solid night’s rest, soon.

of moods and foods

Tags

bipolar disorder, random shit that falls out of my brain, weight loss

My stomach and my brain seem to have a closer connection than they should.  My moods very directly effect my appetite and my ability to process food.  So now it would seem that my ENTIRE FUCKING BODY is out to get me.

The last several days I’ve had almost no appetite at all.  I’ve eaten bits here and there because I know I need to, but pretty well just the bare minimum to keep my body from thinking it’s starving.  I have to eat something at night with my pills otherwise they don’t work at all, but the last few days that’s about all I’ve eaten.  I didn’t really think much of this as I would really like to lose some weight, I just don’t necessarily think this is the best way to go about doing it.

Anyway, this morning I had to stop and get smokes on the way to work so while I was at the gas station I picked up a pastry and a bottle of milk.  Didn’t eat it until after I’d been here about an hour.  Didn’t get hungry again until just a few minutes ago.  I finally ate some Cheetos.  I know, high quality food there.  Anyway, now I’m thinking maybe I am a little hungry and should perhaps nosh on something before I go home and empty the fridge into my gullet.

Does anyone else have the mood/food connection?

do over

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, crochet, knitting, life, love, meds, mental illness, money, normal, sleep, weight loss

I ended up talking to him yesterday afterall and I guess things are alright again.  He agreed that he won’t hide the drinking from me and I agreed to start paying the bills on time.  Seemed like a fair deal to me.

Today I’m trying to start fresh.  I’m doing things to try to keep myself in a good mood and actually get things done.  I brought my knitting to work with me so perhaps I can make some progress at lunch.  I also managed to find an extra power cord for my phone so that I don’t have to worry about the battery fizzling out in the afternoon.  And I had a few dollars in my purse this morning so I stopped and got a mocha.  Here’s hoping that all helps.

I’m loving my new phone.  It does everything I need it to, lots of things I don’t need but enjoy, and it keeps a charge for almost two full days.  The only reason the battery gave out on me the other day is because I was using it way more than usual.  I figure since I’ve brought the cord to work I won’t ever need it.  Ain’t that the way it always goes.

My mood has been doing some interesting things the last few days.  I think mostly I’ve been depressed.  I haven’t been wanting to get up in the mornings and my appetite has almost disappeared.  The only thing I’ve really been able to keep up with is my appearance.  I know that if I can present a “normal” facade to the world that I am more likely to feel the normal.  Sounds stupid perhaps, but it seems to help me.

I’ve got an appointment with the psych doc next month and I’m considering asking for a change in my cocktail.  The Geodon doesn’t always work as intended and I’m getting a little frustrated with it.  Some days it works fine, some days not at all, and some days it works all too well.  I need something a little more reliable.  I wish I could remember some of the things I’ve tried in the past, but the only ones that come to mind are Seroquel and Zyprexa and I’d really rather not go back to either of those.  There’s no way in hell I’d be able to lose weight on either of them.  I really just don’t know what my options are at this point and that’s frustrating.

I have to tell you kids that I’ve found this awesome thing and I just have to share it with you.  It’s a website called Reddit.  The address is http://www.reddit.com.  They have communities for EVERYTHING, including Bipolar and Borderline.  There’s also communities for just about any interest.  Lately I’ve been cruising the crochet and knitting areas.  Anyway, it’s awesome.  I realize that I’m probably not telling you anything you didn’t already know because I am not one of the cool kids and hence am always the very last to find out about the good stuff, but seriously, go check it out.  It’s AWESOME.

lament of the fat chick

Tags

bipolar disorder, fat, life, meds, mental illness, weight loss

It is apparently a REALLY BAD IDEA to be thinking about picking up the Rx for your sleeping pills whilst assembling your morning pills.  I sucked down a Geodon without even blinking.  By the time I realized what I’d done it was too late to do anything.  Well, that’s not quite true.  I could have stuck something down my throat to make myself puke, but really, who wants to do that?  So anyway, here I am, hoping like hell that since there’s no food in my belly the damn thing doesn’t kick in.

Speaking of food and bellies, I’ve decided I’m fat.  Well, that’s not quite true either.  I’ve known I’m fat for quite a while now.  It’s just that last night Josh was lamenting the fact that the brand new jeans we bought him, which are a size larger than he used to wear, are really just too tight.  So he got on the scale to see just how bad it is.  Me, being the world’s biggest DUMBASS, decided I would also get on the scale.  HOLY SHIT WHEN DID I GET FAT?!?!?!

Ah yes, the scale.  The fat girl’s arch nemesis.  I have a rule, which I broke obviously, but here it is – I only weigh myself at the shrink’s office on her scale.  She’s the only one who ever really cares what I weigh, so why should I concern myself with it at home?  But I did, and now I’m pissed.  Well, slightly less pissed this morning because after having a nice bowel movement and not wearing any clothes I weigh less than I did last night.  But still, I’m 5’6″ and I weigh 265lbs.  I’m FAT.

The thing that’s funny, if you’re the sick sort like me that can find gross obesity amusing, is that while this is the heaviest I’ve ever been, my clothes pretty well still fit just fine.  Oh sure, there’s a few pairs of pants that are a little more snug than I’d prefer and there’s a shirt or two that are a tad tight, but I can still wear all of my clothes.  And it’s still the same size I’ve been wearing for the last 10 years.

I know I need to lose some weight.  I’d feel better, I’d look better, Josh would perhaps find me even more irresistible…  I’m just trying to figure out a plan of attack, identify my problem areas, and start doing something.

I drink tea, all day every day.  If it was just regular tea it would be fine, but I like the sweet stuff – which is full of empty calories.  I do like the Mio stuff, but Josh keeps buying me these big cans of the good stuff.  The can I’m drinking right now has 100 calories in it and I drink at least 2 of those a day, sometimes as many as 4.  That might not seem like a lot, but it adds up.  Gotta see if I can get him to stop getting me the tea.

I also tend to snack a lot at work.  I get bored during the day, or frustrated, and I reach for the snacks.  I do try to keep some healthy snacks around, but let’s face it – if given the choice between chocolate and granola, I’m almost always going to choose the chocolate.  I need to try to purge this office of all the junk food and then not bring any more in.

I’ve heard that people who eat breakfast every day have an easier time losing weight.  I’m considering this.  Not this morning – I think putting food in my belly right now could very well activate the Geodon and then it’d be lights out for the Mama.  I do sometimes have a little fruit for breakfast.  Perhaps I need to get better at that.

The big thing I need to start doing is getting more activity.  I’m really kind of lazy and I don’t like to sweat, so exercising is like completely at the bottom of my list.  I do have access to a treadmill and walking isn’t too bad.  Just need to figure out when in my already overloaded day I’d have time to fit that in.  I guess maybe if I got up when Josh left the house I could walk for a little bit before getting ready for work.  Must try.

Ideally I’d like to lose 100lbs.  Realistically I’m shooting for 50lbs.  We’re supposed to take the kid on vacation at the end of May.  I’d like to have lost at least 10lbs by then.  We’re going to Florida – doing the Disney thing – so there’ll be a ton of walking involved and I don’t want to be the old fat broad who can’t keep up.  There’s 8 weeks before we leave – so I think 10lbs is very reasonable.  Actually, 20lbs would be better.  We’ll see.

The birthday was decent.  Josh sang to me and gave me the best gift of all – some uninterrupted time together.  All in all, not a bad day.  Just wish I could have talked to my dad.

The mood seems to be ok.  I had a few times yesterday when I could sense that things had the potential to get ugly, but I managed to keep my shit together just fine and it all worked out well.  The mood this morning is ok, I just feel stupid about the whole pill situation.  That is so me though.

This morning I’m going to try to see if I can’t get some things lined up for the next few days.  There’s a lot to be done yet to get ready for the party and I want to get all of that stuff organized.  I’d say I’m going to try getting some real work done, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to concentrate with the Geodon in my system.  Only time will tell I guess.