afternoon update

Tags

knitting

almost done

I’ve got a few more inches to go and then I think I’ll be done with the first of this pair.  They’re going really quick – quicker than any other pair I’ve worked on like this.  I’m really pleased with my progress.  I’ve worked on them for at least an hour every night since I started them.  That’s HUGE for me.  For awhile I wasn’t able to knit in the evenings at all.  Now it seems like I’m making super good progress and all I want to do is knit.  As long as everything at home goes alright I should have these finished tomorrow.

finally friday

Tags

bipolar disorder, family, kids, knitting, life, love, mental illness, motivation, sleep, work

So apparently everything is ok now.  Seriously?

We had another discussion when I got home.  I told him I’m done fighting with him.  From now on when he does something to hurt me or piss me off I’m just going to keep my mouth shut.  I told him I wasn’t sure how long it would take for all of that to explode, but I’m going to try my best.  It just does no good to even talk to him anymore.  I’m done.

My niece came over again last night and I’m exhausted because of it.  She hardly eats anything so I tried to make a dinner just for her.  She rejected all of it.  She ran screaming around the house until almost 9, chasing the cats.  I did manage to get a little knitting done, but not much.  Josh was so frustrated that he refused to look for a job and actually had the nerve to ask me to go get him a bottle of whiskey.  I refused of course.

I have no idea what to expect from this weekend.  He doesn’t have to work, so I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get the chores done.  I’m actually thinking that the laundry and grocery shopping will be the only things that get done.  I just don’t really see when I’d have time to do the rest of it.  I guess that’s not necessarily a bad thing, just frustrating.  I need to make my to do list this morning so I know what all really needs to get accomplished.

I’m not looking forward to this weekend at all.  I’ve gotten to the point where I damn near hate seeing that kid.  Josh never wants to do anything with her so it always falls on me to find things to do with her.  I’m sick of it.  If I had my way, he’d give up his parental rights and let her step dad adopt her.  I really don’t see that ever happening though.

You know what, fuck it.  I’m going to make my regular list and I’m going to get every last fucking thing on it done, regardless of what the two of them want to do.  There’s no reason I have to live in filth just because she’s coming over.  It’s my life, I’m going to do what I need to do to live it happily.  Fuck the both of them.

The mood is actually hanging out in the neutral place this morning.  I got good enough sleep, I’m just wore out from the drama with my niece.  I’ve already been getting things done this morning – I washed some dishes and cleaned up the basement and made the bed before work and then when I got here I mailed off some bills and faxed a letter to someone who claims Josh owes them money.  I’m striving for a very productive day today and by christ I aim to get it.

I’ll try to be back after lunch with a progress pic of the sock.  This afternoon I’m doing a practice run for that new class I’m developing, which should be interesting.  Catch ya then.

too much to handle

Tags

life, love

He’s not supposed to be on the phone at work, so I’ve been trying to be really good about not texting him between breaks.  This morning I noticed that he had posted something on Facebook, from work.  I got upset.  If he’s got time to do that, why doesn’t he have time to say something to me?  So I flipped.

He called at lunch and it did not go well at all.  We basically spent the entire time yelling at each other.  He was bitching about his job again and accusing me of making his days harder.  Just what I wanted to hear.  I actually cried while we were on the phone.

I really think it’s time.

I want a divorce.

thursday thrills

Tags

bipolar disorder, knitting, life, love, meds, mental illness, motivation, sleep, work

wow, look, a sock – almost

I got the heel turned last night and a little bit of progress made on the leg.  I had hoped to do more, but it was a busy night.  Josh wanted to spend our usual time together after work and I agreed, provided he helped me with the evening chores.  He did, which amazed me.  We made the lunches, breakfasts, coffee, tea (2 kinds), my mocha, and snacks.  Then after dinner (chicken legs and macaroni salad Mom made the day before) he cleaned strawberries for tonight and I cleaned corn.  After that it was down to our room to start looking for a new job for him.

He’s bitching about his job again and I’m tired of it.  I told him the only way something is going to change is for him to get off his ass and make it happen.  So I sat in the chair next to him and knit while he looked online.  I think he applied for 4 or 5 jobs.  Not sure if he’ll hear anything, but at least now he’s trying.  I think I might make him do this again tonight to see what else he can find.  I’m a firm believer in the idea that if you don’t like something about your life, FIX IT.

It was pretty lonely yesterday not being able to talk to him much.  I told him this is his fault – he’s spoiled me over the last year and I’m used to being able to talk to him pretty much whenever.  I guess I’m just going to have to figure out how to stay busy and not think about it.  He’s told me in the past (before we got married) that he had every intention of ruining me for other men.  He goes out of his way sometimes to do really nice things for me knowing full well that no one else would do them.  I just wish he’d do stuff like that more often.  I know I’ve ruined him for other women – there’s no way in hell that anyone else would ever take as good of care of him as I do.

Again this morning I tidied the basement and made the bed.  I’m trying to make that a habit.  For some reason I think it feels better to get into a bed at night that’s been made all day.  The sheets seem cooler and almost softer for some reason.  Anyway, I guess I’ve finally figured out why my mom always makes her bed in the morning.  Only took me 36 years to figure this out.

I had hoped I’d be able to get started on my new web project this morning, but it looks like I’ve got 2 meetings to suffer through first.  I hate meetings.  They damn near always run long and it seems like virtually nothing gets accomplished in them.  And it just totally throws off my morning.  Yuck.

The mood is doing alright.  My tummy is a little off this morning, but not too bad.  I think I handled the stuff with Josh yesterday pretty well.  We didn’t actually fight and things were fairly close to normal.  Today hasn’t started off too bad, I’m just wishing he could still talk between breaks.  I think my med cocktail really is working pretty well these days.  I’ve been sleeping decent and my motivation seems to be pretty good most days.  I don’t see shrinky-poo until the end of July.

getting the creative juices flowing

Tags

borderline personality disorder, kids, knitting, life, love, mental illness, motivation, work

I love knitting.  I love everything about it – the feel of yarn through my fingers, the texture of the needles in my hands, the fact that I can take one long piece of yarn and make something lovely and useful.  I also really love the zen state that I get into when I knit.  I have some of my most awesome ideas while knitting.

Take today for example.  I’ve been having trouble with a website I want to work on.  I needed to put some files into a test environment so I can manipulate them without disrupting service on our live site.  Not ordinarily a problem, but for some reason Dreamweaver kept puking when I tried to move the files up to the server.  This baffled me.  My live site would move fine, the test site kept crashing the software.  I rebooted my computer to see if that would help, but it didn’t.  So I went to lunch and let it sit.  While I was knitting on Mom’s sock it hit me – the space allocation on the live site is 4x that of the test site so of course it was puking, there was too much stuff to fit.  Since I didn’t need all of those files to be able to do what I need to, I just deleted the extraneous stuff and now it works great.

I got the foot of the sock done today so I can turn the heel tonight.  I might actually finish this sock quicker than I thought.  The yarn is awesome and I’m back to using my favorite wooden needles, which I think makes a big difference.  Anyway, I’m guessing I’ll finish by the end of the weekend, depending on how things with the kid turn out.

I did finally hear from the ex and we’re supposed to be picking her up from ice skating lessons Saturday morning at 11, assuming her foot feels better by then.  Don’t ask – I didn’t want to know.

Josh is being Josh.  Apparently he got in trouble yesterday afternoon for using his phone when he was supposed to be working, so he hasn’t been talking to me except on breaks.  When I talked to him this morning he said that he’d save up all his conversation for lunch time.  When lunch time came he of course had nothing to say.  Typical.  I’m trying not to let it get me down – really hoping I can manage to pull off another “really great in spite of your shit” day.

The website thing I need to work on should be fun, I’m just not sure I’m ready to tackle it this afternoon or not.  I think it needs some good creativity and that usually happens in the morning.  I may try making some notes on my whiteboard and plan, but I don’t think I’ll actually get to the coding this afternoon.

It’s just too fucking hot to really think.  We’re in the middle of some kind of fucked up heatwave and the temp is supposed to get up to 104 today with a heat index of at least 108.  I’m keeping my office cool with a big tower fan, but when I go out to smoke I damn near melt.  I’m just really glad my jeep is in a covered parking structure during the day.  I can’t imagine how awful the ride home would be if it was sitting out in the sun all day.  I kind of feel bad for Josh – the Honda is dark grey with a dark grey leather interior and he just parks in a surface lot all day.  And of course most of the time he forgets to put the sun shade in the windshield.

The mood is actually not too bad.  I’m trying to figure out what I can do to keep myself (and my boss) happy the rest of the afternoon while not taxing my poor brain.  I’m also thinking ahead to what I want to do after work tonight.  That’s actually the trickier part.  Josh and I usually spend about an hour together right after work – no electronics, just us.  This is when we do most of our talking.  Sometimes we have sex, sometimes not.  I usually end up taking a shower with him after that, before dinner.  I like this time together, it seems to be when we really connect with each other.  The problem today is that I’m really in a “doing” mood, not a laying down, resting mood.  I’ve got a million things I want to get done.  Maybe I can get out of taking the shower with him tonight – I did that last night and he didn’t seem too upset.  I used that time to get the lunches made and dinner preparations started.  Guess we’ll just have to see how things go.

go for the gold

Tags

bipolar disorder, family, kids, knitting, life, love, mental illness, sleep

sock progress

Yesterday ended up being a decent day afterall.  I made a conscious decision not to let Josh’s bullshit bring me down and, for once, I was able to accomplish that.  I got a ton of stuff done at work and then proceeded to get a ton more done at home.  WIN.

Last night at home I ended up making snacks for us before dinner, two lunches, a snack for him to take to work, boiled some eggs for his breakfast, cooked dinner, made mocha milkshakes, made some special tea for him, cleaned up from all of that, and got about 2″ of knitting done.  Oh, and I helped my mom setup Netflix on her new DVD player.  Yes, a VERY productive evening.  This morning before I left for work I tidied the basement up again and made the bed.  Josh did comment that it was nice coming home to a clean house yesterday.  I just wish I didn’t feel like I had to constantly wait on him hand and foot.  It’s getting old.

The mood is pretty good this morning.  My sleep wasn’t that great, but I got up when he did this morning and made it here almost 30 minutes early.  That’s usually a good thing.  I’ll still do my regular morning routine, just earlier, which means I’ll get into the work part of my day earlier.  That always makes me happy.

What is not making me happy is the weekend arrangements with the brat.  I still have no idea when or where we’re picking her up.  I emailed the ex yesterday morning and still haven’t heard anything.  She’s notorious for this and it just irritates the fuck out of me.  I realize they just got back from their own vacation and she might be busy getting back into the swing of things, but seriously, it would take all of 2 minutes to send me a reply.  Fuck her.

I think I’m in good shape to get this first sock done by next week.  Since my mom’s feet are smaller than mine I don’t have to make them as long so that should make it go a little faster.  Part of it will depend on what we do end up doing with the brat this weekend.  I got stuff to make t-shirts, just need to get the shirts, but I doubt that will take all day.  Although maybe it’ll take her awhile to pick out her design, I don’t know.  I’m all ready to go – I found an awesome squirrel pic I want to put on mine.  It should be epic.

unforseen drama

Tags

bipolar disorder, knitting, life, love, mental illness, work

When Josh’s phone came up for an upgrade he just couldn’t get a new one fast enough.  And the free upgrades weren’t good enough for him.  We paid good money for a shiny new phone that he just insisted he had to have.  This is the second time the fucking thing has stopped sending text messages for no apparent reason.  And of course it only refuses to send messages to ME.

I spent the whole morning happily working.  He called for a very brief minute on his first break to tell me about the phone issues so I wouldn’t worry.  Then he called at lunch.  He had next to nothing to say, which I guess isn’t too surprising – he rarely talks to me anymore except when we’re fighting.  So I decided I didn’t want to deal with the 60 second phone call at his last break and I told him not to call.  His phone miraculously started working again.  And now, he’s still not talking.

I’ve got a fuckload of stuff done today.  I’ve been working on our website quite a bit, got some more stuff lined up for my next round of classes, edited and sent off 5 newsletter articles…  I’ve been busy.  It feels good.

I also made some decent progress on the sock, but not enough that I felt it warranted another photo.

So now I’m kind of stuck.  Josh has told me that we’ll have a great night and that everything will be alright.  I don’t buy it, not for a minute, but what the hell am I supposed to do now?  I’ve been busting hump all morning so that I could relax and talk to him this afternoon and now he’s not talking and all I really want to do is yell at him.

My mood is pretty crappy.  I’m trying to finish doing a few things for my boss so that I can kick back the last hour.  I just don’t feel like doing anything or talking to anyone.  And that really sucks because I was in a great mood this morning.

welcome to tuesday

Tags

bipolar disorder, family, kids, knitting, life, love, mental illness, motivation, sleep, work

mom’s birthday sock

Yesterday was…interesting.  I got home and we kind of had a go around for a few minutes.  Things finally settled down and the rest of the evening was alright.  I was tired from the drama, but I pushed myself.  I got mom’s birthday sock started and I’m really kind of liking the way this yarn is coming out.  I figured I should probably get this pair done before I start the socks for my uncle, just in case.  I wouldn’t want to disappoint my mom.

This morning before I left the house I made the bed and tidied up the basement.  Josh is a fucking slob.  His dresser routinely looks trashed and it just irritates the fuck out of me.  I think when you’re done using something you should put it away.  He apparently thinks you should just leave it where you drop it.  Bitching at him does no good.  And I’m kind of picky about how I want things to look so I figure it’s just easier for me to do it myself.  Boyz.

I’m trying to get back on track with work today.  I managed to get a few things done yesterday, but I didn’t make the kind of progress I had been making last week.  I really want to get back in that groove.  About the most interesting thing I did yesterday was clean.  Pathetic, I know.

The mood right now is pretty decent.  I was having some kind of weird ass nightmare about huge bugs when Josh was leaving this morning.  When he bent down to give me a kiss I thought he was a bug trying to bite me and I jumped.  Anyway, I think I slept pretty good and I feel like I have a good amount of energy this morning, so barring any unforeseen drama, it should be a good day.

If I manage to get good sock progress done at lunch I might pop back in then, just not sure what kind of roll I’ll be able to get myself on.  I’d really like to have this first sock done by this time next week.  It’s all going to depend on how much brat drama I have to deal with this weekend I guess.  We got supplies to make iron on transfers for t-shirts the other day and I thought we’d try that as one of our activities.  She mentioned something about wanting to go see Brave, just have to see if her mom hasn’t already taken her by then.

utterly downhill

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, love, meds, mental illness, motivation

Ah yes, here we go again…

It started because I wasn’t in a mood to answer his texts.  Rather than assume I was busy – I am at work, afterall – he assumed that I was being a bitch and proceeded to yell at me.  It has gone steadily downhill from there.  So far downhill in fact that I’m entertaining the possibility of not being here anymore.  Nothing serious, nothing like a plan, just that all to familiar twinge of “the world would be a better place without me.”  This fucking sucks.

I’m not going to take a Xanax today.  I’m afraid it would slow me down way too much to function.  Not that I’m really functioning that well right now anyway, but when the work phone rings or someone drops in my office I’m able to fake like everything is normal right now.  Not so sure I could do that with the Xanax on board.

Fortunately I don’t have any meetings today and no one is expecting any large amounts of progress from me.  This is why being ahead of schedule is such a beautiful thing – when I have a bad day I can basically just let it ride.  I’m just hoping that tomorrow goes back to something closer to normal so that I don’t lose my entire buffer this week.

When someone makes you feel like nothing you ever do for them is good enough, you eventually stop trying.  That’s the point I’m at right now.  All of the hard work I did to make sure that Josh could relax this weekend was wasted.  He didn’t appreciate it and he didn’t really do anything to help me make sure I could relax.  He takes and takes and takes and almost never gives anything back.  He’s a fucking leech.

So much for having any hope of a decent day.  I’ll be doing my best just to keep from crying all day.  I have no idea what will await me at home tonight, and quite frankly, I don’t want to go home.  I don’t want to be anywhere near him.  Ever again.  I’m tired of the way he always makes me feel inferior.  I’m the one who has the good job and makes the money, I pay for both of the cars, I pay all of the bills, I provide the roof over our heads, I do all of the chores, I cook all of the meals – I do it ALL.  He does NOTHING.  We don’t even have sex very often anymore.  He’s gotten so fat that I can barely stand to look at him naked.  And he just keeps eating.  It’s disgusting.  But heaven forbid I say anything about any of this!  He’s perfect, don’t you know.

Seriously, I want to fucking die.

hanging by a thread

Tags

bipolar disorder, friends, knitting, life, love, mental illness, motivation, recipes

For most of the weekend things went great.  We got along, we got stuff done, we had a really nice time.  Yesterday afternoon it started going downhill.  Sundays are always hard for Josh.  He spends most of the day dreading the fact that he has to go back to work in the morning.  He gets kind of sullen, quiet, and grumpy.  I had hoped that maybe having our friends over yesterday would help.  Not so much.

Dinner was good.  The spaghetti and meatballs turned out awesome.  I’ve got the recipe ready to share.  We watched Sherlock Holmes:  A Game of Shadows and that was also awesome.  Josh barely spoke and kept his head buried in his nook almost the entire time.  After they left he wanted virtually nothing to do with me.  I asked him what was wrong and he refused to talk to me.  I finally gave up and did my own thing the rest of the evening.  He’s not talking to me this morning either.  I’m pretty confused right now and hurting.  But I don’t dare say anything to him – it would for sure start a fight.

I’m hoping to find a way to recapture some of my energy and motivation.  I got so much done this last week that I’d really like to keep that going.  I know it’s going to take some effort, but I’m willing to do that.  I just hope the pay off is worthwhile.

The mood right now is kind of iffy.  I’m not in a bad mood necessarily, just not sure what the day has in store for me and that’s a little troubling.  I’ve really enjoyed being in a good mood and I’d like to find a way to keep that rolling.  I’m just not sure what I need to do right now to make that happen.

I was very pleased by how much knitting progress I made over the weekend.  I finished Josh’s socks, the scarf for the brat, and I made excellent headway on the felted tote.  I decided to rip out the shawl I’d started.  Shawls just aren’t very practical for me and that yarn would make a lovely pair of socks.  Speaking of socks, I divided the yarn for my mom’s next pair last night and I’m hoping to get her foot measure tonight so I can get her birthday pair started soon.  Her birthday isn’t until August so I have plenty of time, I just really want to get moving on them.

Here’s the recipe…

Spaghetti and Meatballs

1 lb ground beef
1 lb ground pork
1/2 small onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
4 tbsp Italian seasoning
2 eggs
1 c shredded Parmesan
1 tsp fine ground black pepper

Mix well and form into balls.  Brown in a large skillet on all sides.  Do this in batches if your pan isn’t large enough.  When all meatballs are browned, reduce heat and add enough sauce to cover.  Allow to simmer at least an hour.

6 cans tomato sauce
2 cans diced tomatoes
1 c sugar
4 tbsp Italian seasoning
2 cloves garlic, minced

Combine all ingredients in a large sauce pot.  Allow to simmer at least an hour.