changes

Tags

anxiety, divorce, family, life, limits, love, moods, sleep, stress, taking my life back, the world is full of fucking idiots

I slept alone in my bed for the first time in 4 years. I suppose the actual truth is that I laid in bed alone for 5 hours, sleeping a little, for the first time in 4 years. The important thing is that I did it.

Yesterday was HARD. Josh was a significant part of my life for a considerable amount of time so there’s history, and sometimes history is difficult to walk away from. But I stuck to my convictions, spoke my piece, tried my best to fight fair, and defended myself. He showed his true colors and it wasn’t near as hard to put him out as it could have been. In all honesty, I think Evie misses him more than I do.

The rather daunting task ahead of me now is to gather all of his stuff, which doesn’t amount to a whole hell of a lot, so that he can come get it. I didn’t let him have the Honda and I insisted that he not sleep here last night. He didn’t leave until after 10 because he couldn’t find anyone willing to both let him stay the night and come fetch him. Burning bridges is not a wise thing to do.

Anyway, I wanted to let y’all know that I’m alright and that it (finally) went (mostly) according to plan.

what the hell is that smell?

Tags

anxiety, becoming me, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, divorce, family, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, sick, sleep, stress, taking back control of my life, the world is full of fucking idiots

No matter how many times you try to polish it, a turd is still just a turd. Oddly enough, it’s taken me more than 5 years to realize this. Probably more than that in all honesty, but 5 years for this particular instance.

I’m really mostly a kind, gentle soul that doesn’t like hurting anyone for any reason. As T-bone described it earlier, beneath my hard as nails exterior is a gooey marshmallow center. That is totally true, most of the time.

But we all have our limits and I’ve reached mine.

This blog wasn’t around when Josh and I started dating, which is really a good thing. There was a blog, under a different name, and it’s since been deleted. By me. I was just coming out of the worst stretch of my life in regards to my mental health and I was a little bit beyond batshit crazy.

But I did a year of DBT, I went through even more therapy after that, kept taking my meds like a good kid, and doing all the stuff the doc said to do. And because of all that hard work and the support of some amazing folks, I haven’t seen the inside of an ambulance, an ICU, or a psych ward since February 2010. Totally proud of that.

Since that time I’ve finished a Master’s degree, started and finished a graduate certificate (got a 4.0GPA on it, too), taught myself to knit sweaters and socks, learned to draw, and I’ve been ridiculously stable.

None of that actually has a fucking thing to do with Josh. Not a bit. In that same span of time he finally quit drinking every night, enrolled in some classes at the community college where he is doing the bare minimum to get by, and has maybe quit smoking. Possibly. But according to him everything good that happens is because of him and everything shitty is because of me. It’s a pretty typical mess one encounters with a pending divorce.

Fights between two people who have mental illnesses like we do and are also incredibly fucking stubborn are just nuts. We try to out-stubborn the other, we say truly shitty things, and there is not an iota of tenderness. It’s all out warfare and I’m sick of it.

I’m taking the blame for it because that seems the easiest way to just shut him the hell up. I’ve already taken some steps to take control of my life, something I haven’t entirely had in a very long time, like maybe ever. I’m reclaiming my preferred persona everywhere I can. So I will likely be making some massive overhauls here and in all areas of my life, and I might be away for a few days. Thank you for the love and support you’ve shown me, recently and always. Y’all mean oodles to me.

my tolerance for bullshit has reached an all-time low

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, choices, DBT, drama free zone, family, health, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, save the drama for yo mama, skin conditions, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

Yeah, Mondays suck. I’ve been trying my best to deal with the ridiculous quantities of bullshit going on right now and, honestly, I think I’m doing a fan-fucking-tastic job. But truly, a girl can only take so much at once.

Josh and I have both smoked what should be our last cigarettes. That happened yesterday. Remarkably it hasn’t been as hard as I remember quitting can be. Part of it is that it’s been hot as hell here lately. I hate smoking outside when it’s really hot, wet, windy, or cold. So basically there are like 6 weeks out of 52 that I find smoking outside tolerable in Nebraska.

Because of all the drama going on with Josh’s health I’ve been trying to take care of myself as best I can and not make a fuss about not really feeling great myself. I know it’s stress and that this stress will pass, I really do get that. But my skin crap is flaring up on both legs now and draining like that cheap old car we all had that leaked oil like some kind of freak mechanical miscarriage. It ain’t pretty in my special long-legged drawers right now kids, not pretty at all.

So I called the dermatologist’s office to get an appointment to try the phototherapy whatever. She’s on vacation this week so I’ll see her PA, her dude PA. Keep in mind that my problem area is my inner thighs, right up next to where all my junk is. The nurse explained that they’ll “paint” the area, let it sit (to give it time to think about what it’s done to me???), then I’ll sit under the light. The whole process is supposed to take about two hours. And then, get this, I cannot expose the affected area to sunlight for 48 hours. She told me that and I’m all, “honey, that part of this body hasn’t seen the actual light of day in YEARS.”

Oh sweet jezuz, what the fuck am I getting myself into now…

My appointment is at 12:30, if it runs 2 hours I’ll be done at 2:30. Josh’s appointment with the anesthesia people is at 3:30. I know where we’re going but he doesn’t and I’m not entirely sure how to work all of this because he and I will be coming from complete opposite sides of town. Righty-o.

Alright, I’ve had my 15 minutes of bitching, time to suck it up and get on with kicking ass and taking names.

It’s certainly not a popular opinion that I hold, but I will tell you that it is my heart-felt belief that each of us is faced with choices every day and how we choose shapes the remainder of our days. I said something to this effect to someone the other day and was met with utter resistance. I was told that I couldn’t possibly say that everyone can choose.

I’m here to tell you that they can and they do. There are no excuses. Maybe you aren’t in a state of mind to make a reasonable choice today but I would suggest that it likely has to do with a choice you made on a different day. And don’t for one minute think that not making a choice gets your ass off the hook. Not choosing is a form of choosing, rather a coward’s way.

I’m choosing not to put up with whiny ass bullshit drama anymore. I have better things to do with my time.

my life isn’t always funny

Tags

anxiety, health, life, limits, skin conditions, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

I’ve probably mentioned that Josh was going to have the surgery to remove some damaged tissue from the big infection he had. He had until today to get all of his medical clearances which means he waited until Tuesday to start doing anything about it. They tried to do an EKG but the readings weren’t good, so he went back yesterday. Still not good, so they sent him for a stress test this morning.

The cardiologist did another EKG, which he said was good enough I guess, but he didn’t like the way the stress test came out so Josh goes back on Wednesday to see if he has a blockage.

He’s 42 years old and may well have a blocked artery.

And he isn’t taking any of this seriously, to him it’s no big deal. He doesn’t get why I’m upset and I’m fairly sure he’s pissed that I haven’t paid his medical bills. But he’s done this to himself and I just can’t stand idly by and watch him slowly kill himself like this.

the best laid plans of Mama OR why Tuesday kind of sucked as bad as Monday, but maybe only on the level of sucking tadpole nuts

Tags

adventures in cooking, bipolar disorder, crochet, getting creative, getting healthy, goals, health, husbands are like large children who still don't listen, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, recipes, skin conditions, stress, stress management, the world is full of fucking idiots

Holy fucking flying squirrels, TIME OUT!

I will spare you some of the gory details because I’m polite like that, but dammit, what a day. Josh still doesn’t have everything taken care of for his pre-op crap and somehow that was my fault, even though I’ve been nagging him about it since we found out it needed to be done. Evidently I was supposed to completely plan out all of it to ensure that he got to class, got the supplies he needs for class (that place closes at 5pm and is on the other side of town), got all of his homework done on time, and got the pre-op stuff done (had to be at the doc’s office before 6pm) AND all of this had to be done this week.

Needless to say he’s at home today because the goddamn EKG didn’t go well and this way he not only gets a day off work but can do all of that other shit plus have time to fuck around. Apparently life is good when you’re an idiot.

I met with shrinky-poo yesterday and that, fortunately, went really well. I mentioned to her this glorious rash I developed after setting up the garden with Mom a few weeks ago and evidently, get this, I am ALLERGIC TO THE SUN. Long term lithium usage apparently makes you sensitive to natural sunlight so it’s likely that any time I’m outside for any length of time I’ll turn bright red, bumpy/blistery, and itch like mad. Ah yes, you’re jealous, I get it.

Last night after all the excitement I though to myself, “self, we should totally work on that crocheted vest. Fucking thing is damn near done. Let’s get on that right now!” And so I did. Then this happened…

that’s one of the “sleeves” and there is a 360 degree twist in it

that’s what it looks like all laid out; notice how incredibly ruffly the sleeve bits are? ick

and that is one of my man-hands laying on top of it to show how ridiculously too fucking big it is

I put it in time out and started working on the knit shrug instead while I decided the fate of this monstrosity. The yarn is phenomenal and it deserves to be turned into something truly lovely. So I really think that it’s going to be frogged (ripped out so that the yarn can be reused, for those of you who aren’t knitters/crocheters). Right now I just can’t hardly bear to look at it.

One of the other things I decided to do last night was try some new recipes involving chia seeds. (yes, I am 100% jumping on the healthy hipster food bandwagon and I apparently like torturing myself) I made a really good smoothie that I will absolutely make again, probably tonight. And then I decided to try this breakfast thing. Kind of like oatmeal but made with the seeds. The recipe looked easy, sounded tasty, so off I went.

fish eyes, yummy!

surely adding more milk will help, right?

the rest of that bottle of milk PLUS some frozen blueberries! surely this is all it really needs, right?

So now I’m sitting next to a bowl of what looks remarkably like fish eyes with rabbit turds floating in it, hoping like hell that the blueberries defrost and I can maybe eat this shit. The flavor isn’t bad, honestly, it’s the texture that’s a little strange. And I’m really thinking that I may need to put a safety belt on the toilet later.

One of these days I’ll learn.

turn the other cheek

Tags

anxiety, life, moods, skin conditions, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

I’m probably the only woman ever to have a husband with 4 ass holes. They’re not all assholes, he still only has one of those, but does indeed have 3 extra holes in his ass cheeks that shouldn’t be there. And I find it funny in that sick way that only I could because right now it’s easier to laugh about this than it is to cry about it.

I called this afternoon to get an appointment with a surgeon. I got it all set up, the receptionist was very nice, he was going in on Thursday afternoon. Not an hour later (NOT EVEN A FUCKING HOUR) she called back and said the surgeon refused to see him and was referring him on to a plastic surgeon. Seriously? IT’S HIS FUCKING ASS, NO ONE LOOKS AT THAT!!!

So I called the plastic surgeon’s office and had to go through the whole speech again. This receptionist didn’t think they could help me at all and had to put me on hold while she consulted with someone else. Then she didn’t think she could get him in until the middle of June. Sweetheart, this ain’t some Botox injections we’re talking about here!!! I finally lined up an appointment for next Tuesday.

To say that I am less than pleased with the medical providers involved thus far would be a SERIOUS FUCKING UNDERSTATEMENT, to say the very least. I’m pissed. And I intend to let someone know about it.

In the meantime, here, have a flower…

it really should be “CDO” cuz that’s alphabetical, yo

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, getting healthy, goals, health, life, limits, motivation, random shit that falls out of my brain, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

Much as I feared, I’m having one of those weeks. Yes, I know it’s only Tuesday. It can only get worse, right?

I found out this morning that there are NINETY-TWO people signed up for my presentation on Thursday. That was enough to totally shake me until Rhio mentioned that she’s got 300 for hers. She wins, hands down. And I know she’ll do fine, she’s awesome like that. But me? I’m me, and me is not always so awesome. Take tin foil, for example. Where shall we take the tin foil? Anywhere, just away from me. Fucking shit hates me.

I got my new Fitbit thingy yesterday, which is good I guess. I’m still getting used to wearing it. I haven’t worn any type of bracelet in ages. And since you’re supposed to sleep with it on if you want to track your sleep, which is half the reason I bought the damn thing, I’m trying to get used to that. But so far it seems to work and it is motivating me to walk more. Odd that, but I’ll take it.

The healthier eating stuff is going fairly well. Lots more salads, lots of fresh fruit, I’ve been drinking water instead of tea all the time, and a lot more protein.

I’ve been stocking up when raspberries and other delicate bits are on sale and freezing it myself as it’s SO much cheaper.

I’ve been trying to find healthier things for all the meals and stuff I eat at work. I did master the art of smoothie making with the Nutri Ninja we have there (big reason for 5 containers of frozen raspberries) and how best to pack a salad that will not only fill me up but also still taste worth eating by the time I get to it. (having a fridge in my office helps a TON!) And tonight I made one of my all-time favorite Pinterest recipe finds…

3 ingredient energy bites!

Yeah, I know, they look like cat shit. You’ll just have to take my word for how yummy they are, that or make a batch for yourself. They are super easy. In a food processor you combine 1C of nuts (I use almonds), 1C of dried fruit (I use cherries), and 1C of pitted dates. Process until it forms a sticky sort of dough. The original instructions called for flattening it and then cutting it into bars but I’m partial to these little balls, you go ahead and make yours however you want. They don’t require refrigeration, but they are tasty cold.

Energy is something I’m lacking right now, though Mom tells me that’s entirely typical when making these sorts of eating changes. My body doesn’t have all that extra fat and sugar to play with so I’m a little more tired than I used to be. She’s reassured me that this will get better.

Anyway, that’s mostly been me lately. Tonight I’m debating finishing my illuminated letter or working on a new construction kit.

why I’m not allowed to go to Barnes & Noble (this wasn’t even all of it)

doing what I must (and not feeling all that good about it)

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, friends, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

This may (or may not) surprise you to learn but I don’t have a whole lot of real live friends who live near me. There are a few women I work with that are friends in a sense, but they aren’t people I hang out with outside of work. I have the girls from class, and one of them is an employee in another department so I think she and I will stay in contact past the semester, but no guarantees. Again, not really “hanging out” type friends. Most of my time gets spent with family when it gets spent with anyone.

But I do have F. I’ve known her for years and she’s currently the only other person I know who lives with similar mental illnesses. Her flavors are a little different and she’s on a completely different med regime, but there’s enough similarity to empathize. Sounds pretty awesome, yeah?

Not so much.

I haven’t said anything about it because, well, I guess because I figured there was nothing to say. We don’t hang out all that much because she lives about an hour from me, also works full time, and has kids. But I’ve been noticing a pattern that I guess I just don’t like.

She’s most likely to get in touch when she needs help and doesn’t want to be embarrassed in front of her other friends, when something goes wrong with her mental health, when she’s gotten shit on by the latest love interest (who’s name I never do get to know), and in general when I’m the last possible option.

I got a text yesterday around lunch saying that she’ll be in town seeing a musical on Saturday and really wanted to meet for dinner. I’ll be out of town doing a bus trip with Mom that day so then she wanted to know about last night. Nope, already had dinner plans. She wouldn’t say what was so urgent only that she just had to talk to me because I’m the only one who will understand. We made plans for tomorrow, plans that I’ve just cancelled.

I’ve got that big presentation to give in May and there’s no time to handle it at work now. Josh is at school tomorrow night and Mom is getting home late which means prime work time for me. I know if I met her, not until 6pm of course, that I’d never get home in time to take my meds and unwind so I could sleep. All I need right now is for my sleep schedule to get fucked up.

So part of me feels bad about this, but mostly not. She was all anxious to meet yesterday and now today it’s “no worries.” You’re right, totally not worrying about this any more.

not well

Tags

bipolar disorder, depression, family, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

I’m waiting for a call back from the dermatologist so that I can hopefully get in for an appointment today or, at the very least, have her call out an Rx for an antibiotic. I have one of those cysts further around towards the back of my leg and it’s draining, a lot. This is good because at least the infection isn’t building up under the surface and making a big painful lump. It’s bad because as it drains the fluid dries on my special shorts and when I get up or move around the fabric moves independent of the skin and rips the scab off.

Wow, that’s really gross just to write it out.

Anyway, it’s making walking and sitting and laying down all kind of painful. And I still have this glorious cold. I was awake most of the night last night thanks to an unpleasant combination of:

• Leg scab thingy
• Cold = coughing non-stop for an hour in the middle of the night
• Josh is an asshole

Evidently I’m not allowed to get sick, or take a day off work, or deviate in any way from a rigid schedule that I allegedly set for myself because when I do, I turn into the World’s Biggest Bitch. I actually expect him to perhaps look at me while he talks to me instead of playing with something electronic or watching the television over my shoulder while I’m trying to tell him that I feel like I’m being replaced by shit with screens. And we can’t actually have something that resembles a normal adult conversation, he has to snap and say the shittiest possible thing at every opportunity. Oh, and it’s gotta happen right when I’m trying to go to bed.

So I’m not feeling great today. Being sick always sucks, but I think being sick when you have a mental health issue sucks even more. There are only a few over the counter meds I can take to help with the cold issues and I’ve been taking that shit pretty religiously for more than a week now. I’m in a holding pattern until I hear from the dermatologist about my skin, but I’m trying to do what I know I’m supposed to. (did you know that you can get Hibiclens in a 32oz bottle? so much cheaper than the little ones)

The only thing I really don’t know what to do about is Josh. While Mom and I worked in the yard on Saturday he took care of most of the inside stuff, which was good. It was a critical tactical error on his part, but it was good for me. (now that he’s proven he can do this shit he’s going to get to do it more often!) And I really didn’t criticize the differences between how he does stuff and how I normally do it. But allegedly I spend 20 minutes out of every 60 being mad at him, giving him dirty looks, and saying mean things to him. If this is true, I don’t understand why he stays. But if I ask him that, I’m starting the next round of shit.

ah spring… the line at the DQ drive-thru fucked up traffic and the smell of vinegar is everywhere

Tags

douchenozzles, Evie Cat, getting creative, goals, Lego, life, moods, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

It was rather a rough day, at least the part preceding my arrival home. (the vinegar reference is because of all the fucking douchenozzles I ran into while trying to leave campus and get home this afternoon) But when I got here Miss Evie Cat was waiting for me and we snuggled and now all is right with my world again.

I finally managed to get the assignment that absolutely has to be turned in tomorrow done and I got my e-learning piece done. Time was getting tight on that because I’m using a trial version of the damn software and my 30 days were nearly up. But it’s done and I’m satisfied with how it turned out.

I am finding myself a wee bit obsessed with plants lately. It started with Fernidad, who is doing quite well in his swanky little Green Man pot. Then I spent some time on Pinterest (oh time suck of time sucks) looking at various gardening/growing fruit in containers/what will grow in a dim basement and/or bathroom kind of shit. I have a philodendron rooting right now up in the sunroom that I haven’t decided if he’ll live in the bathroom or on the window ledge with Fernidad. I have another philodendron rooting in a beautiful vase at my office. And I’m contemplating getting – GASP! – an African Violet.

Don’t ask, it’s probably a sickness.

Anywho, my new co-worker Miss J went to KC this weekend and brought me more Lego mini-figs. I got the archaeologist and then she made me 3 custom ones.

Yeah, apparently “homicide” was the name of the game that day.

And last but certainly not least, a look at my latest completed drawing…

I told you – obsessed.