Mental in the Midwest

Tag Archives: alcohol

relationship advice with Mama

30 Saturday May 2015

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, random shit that falls out of my brain, relationships

I’m 39 years old and I’m on husband #3. Sadly, none of them are below ground yet, at least I don’t think so. No really, the only one who deserves that is Michael. He was an asshole and then some.

1545048_273432496162232_4387054602328838715_nI honestly don’t remember. It was a very long time ago now. We married when I was 18 and signed the divorce papers on my 21st birthday. Good riddance.

skull-danger-cross-bones-2-1-1My second was Rob. We married when I was 22 and stopped living together when I was 32. Our divorce was final when I was 34, if memory serves. He was a good guy. He took care of me and helped me hide my massive mental issues from the world. I was just a total fucking train wreck.

bitchOh sweet jesus, was I ever. I cheated on him – twice. I got us close to $50k in debt – just with shopping. I was as terrible a woman as you can get. But he got back at me. Anyway, then I moved on to Josh.

We met when I was 34 and married when I was 35.

2014-07-04 20.55.29What a catch…

983707_684201938317581_2383926700384212443_nHe’s not every gal’s cup of tea, but he suits my taste just fine. Most of the time.

10459887_277673525738129_7375711357447174427_nActually it’s usually me doing the farting, but he doesn’t seem to care. That’s part of a healthy relationship – pick your battles. If the farting doesn’t bother you, awesome, make a stand on something else, like being alcoholic.

2014-07-04 00.31.50Ice cream always helps, ALWAYS. Although honestly, show up earlier than that, for fuck sake – I’m asleep at 3am.

10294284_10152556303019523_4289388473332799404_nIf you really want Mama’s advice, here it is…

Do NOT marry the one you can live with. There are lots of fools I could live with if I had to. Marry the one you CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT. Think about it for a minute – who is that one person that feels like so much a part of your soul that you wouldn’t know what to do without them? That person you think of when you first wake up and the last one you think about before falling asleep? THAT is the person you should marry.

And that’s what has saved Josh’s sorry ass on numerous occasions – I still can’t completely imagine what my life would look like, for better or for worse, without him in it. I’m kind of an idiot, what can I say?

dear drama llama…

21 Thursday May 2015

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, depression, getting creative, health, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sleep, stress

mental healthStress effects everyone differently, but you can rest assured that it effects us all. Stress can be good, like the kind that drives us to do our best on a project. It can also be bad, like the kind that emotionally cripples us and leaves us in a heap on the floor. But we don’t have to let bad stress make us it’s bitch. Here are some of the ways that I help to combat my stress.

Humor

Dear Drama Llama,
We’ve spent a lot of time together lately, so much in fact that my dear friends Productivity and Sleep are getting concerned. I think they’re right, it’s time for you and I to take a break from each other. Let’s just reschedule. Does the Tuesday after NEVER work for you? Let me know. Kthxbai.

It’s a lot harder to cry when you’re busy laughing.

Exercise

Physical activity releases good chemicals into our bodies that make us feel good and when we feel good it’s easier to deal with stress. I also find that when I’m stressed I have nervous energy that makes it hard to sleep and exercising helps to burn that off. My preferred form of exercise is walking. I have a treadmill at home and I love it. The days I make time to walk I feel noticeably better.

Nutrition

Food is fuel for our bodies and the higher quality fuel we put in, the better our bodies run. This is never more true than when we’re stressed. I know how tempting it is to reach for the junk food and chocolate, but try to resist. If you need something crunchy to work out a little aggression, go for raw veggies like carrots or fresh apples. Fruit can take the place of something sweet like chocolate and is extra treat-like if you freeze it (cherries are my favorite for this). Tempting as it may be, do your best to stay away from alcohol. Stress and alcohol do not mix.

Make time for something you enjoy

Even when we have so much going on that it seems like time to relax is a luxury we really need to make time for ourselves. Our brains need time to unwind and chew on something other than what’s stressing us out. I take an hour every evening right before bed to draw or knit or play with nanoblocks. It really does make a difference. And it leads me to another biggie…

Sleep

I know first-hand how hard it is to get enough sleep when you’re stressed, and how sometimes it’s hard because all you want to do is sleep, but a good balance is what we all need. Most folks need somewhere between 7 and 9 hours every night. I fall right in the middle, happiest with about 8. Getting some physical activity every day, before dinner, helps. Staying away from caffeine or other things that stimulate you helps. Doing something relaxing for awhile before bedtime helps. And turning off the electronics for an hour before you lay down helps.

Follow doc’s orders

I have an Rx from shrinky-poo for anxiety meds that help with stress. I’m allowed 2100mg per day but usually only take 1200. It helps knowing that I have room to increase safely but I really do find that handling at least some of it with diet, exercise, and relaxing activities works much better for me. But I really can’t encourage y’all enough to talk to your mental health care provider about the kinds of stress you normally have and what the best ways are for you to help address it.

top 10 Tuesday – mental health style

05 Tuesday May 2015

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, family, friends, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, money, moods, motivation, sick, stress, top 10 tuesday

top 10 tuesdayI haven’t done a Top 10 Tuesday in awhile now, and I realized that it’s high past time. So, for today’s Mental Health style list I present for you my Top 10 Stupid Things I Did While Manic.

  1. Had an affair with my husband’s best friend.
  2. Bought an Infinity G35 for a guy I had met once.
  3. Moved in with a guy I met in the Special Care Ward.
  4. Had that schmuck’s name tattooed on my back.
  5. Racked up $20k in credit card debt buying random crap. (I don’t have any of it anymore)
  6. Became obsessed with a guy who lived in a different country and when shit didn’t go good with him I OD’d.
  7. Pushed away damn near everyone who cared about me.
  8. Had sex with any guy who was even remotely nice to me because in my mind (back then) sex = love.
  9. Drank so much I honestly pickled my liver. (it has since recovered)
  10. Made a 2 hour round trip twice a week for several weeks to visit another schmuck who was in the regional mental health facility. I was his chewing tobacco mule.

My life has not always been glorious or glamorous or even all that worth living. But I’ve been working on all of this for quite a while now, at least 5 years, and life is dramatically different. The majority of my debt these days is student loans from my Master’s degree. The name got covered up. The car got sold. I have a group of people who love me and, for some unknown reason, continue to put up with my bullshit.

All of that to say this…

Just because life sucks today doesn’t mean it will still suck tomorrow. Hang in there, keep fighting, keep pushing, you can totally do this. You will totally do this. I believe in you.

sing along with Mama

27 Friday Feb 2015

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

alcohol, friends, getting creative, life, limits, meds, money, motivation, random shit that falls out of my brain, school

Tonight was Mexican night. I made chicken enchiladas and we finished off a bottle of margaritas. Jose is not much of a friend right now. But I thought I’d pop in with a tiny update.

2015-02-26 20.46.38Voila, the finished drawing. I’m pleased with how it came out. It will be uploaded soon to both Redbubble and Cafe Press.

This is technically the 4th new design this month which means my 28 Day Challenge was quite the success. I was very happy that the challenge gave me a kick in the ass to finally get everything setup on Cafe Press. I’m also quite pleased that I seem to be able to do a new design about once a week.

I ordered my birthday present this afternoon. I’m getting the Dressed to Kill skull design on a purple t-shirt from Redbubble. I thought that would be most fitting for me. Josh got me two new Lego mini-figs last night on his way home from school. And when I got to work this morning, Miss K had brought this for me…

2015-02-27 17.15.10She went to the Lego store in KC and put this little gal together just for me. She’s awesome.

There’s still much homework to be done in addition to all of the normal weekend crud, so I should probably go find myself some pills and call it a night.

homework and housework and anything else unpleasant I can think of that starts with an H

18 Sunday Jan 2015

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

alcohol, family, getting creative, kids, life, motivation, normal, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, stress, work

10345838_10152266938063716_3632053316661914603_nMom decided to have our kitchen and dining room/sun room painted, which was a really great idea in my mind. We picked two complimentary shades of a bluish green, one darker and one lighter. But both rooms were torn apart for over a week while we took things off the walls, the one guy patched holes in the walls and sanded them, and then the other guys actually painted. Yesterday we were finally able to put it all back together. But we hadn’t really been able to do much cleaning while that stuff was going on so yesterday we had a launch a Full Attack. I am pleased to report that this joint is back up to our very exacting standards and looks phenomenal. If it wasn’t still o-dark-thirty I’d take some pics to show you.

We also ran errands yesterday which included getting ever so slightly lost trying to find “our” post office because the woman who was married to my grandfather, V, had shipped the old man’s ashes up to my mom so that he can finally be buried next to my grandmother. Well, some of him anyway. Evidently she had his ashes split so that some are here (in the back of my jeep right now) and some of them will be buried with her. I find this a little odd myself, but I guess it’s better than the previous arrangement which was her keeping his urn on the floor next to her side of the bed.

The more interesting errand was running to the grocery store and mostly that was only more interesting because I got Mom to go into the attached liquor store area. She and Josh had a bottle of margaritas at home that they like but I find too tart, and I knew with the day we’d be having that beverages would be consumed so I wanted something that I could enjoy. What I found was Jose Cuervo Light White Peach Margaritas.

10375Definitely a chick drink, but quite tasty. I had two normal-ish sized drinks, though larger than the 4 oz they say is a serving size. Honest to jezuz, who the fuck drinks a 4 oz margarita? The Mexican restaurant we really like to go to serves them in fish bowls with stems for fuck sake. Anyway, quite tasty and a nice way to relax at the end of a hard day.

So, homework. Y’all probably recall that I’m in the last class for the first of the grad certificates I’ve decided to work on. That meant I could take my elective course, and there weren’t a whole hell of a lot to pick from. But, one of them is a class that focuses on training techniques, which is totally perfect for me. And it meets mostly during the day, Tuesdays from 2:30 – 5:10, so I’m home in time to have dinner with Mom and Josh and still get to bed at a decent time.

The books are interesting (though a little expensive), my classmates seem like really interesting people, and the prof is enthusiastic about the subject and really seems to know her stuff. I’ve worked with her before in a professional capacity so I kind of figured she’d be really good and it looks like I was right. And the projects we’re doing are so practical and applicable to what I do at work, I just love that.

I was able to talk to my boss for a bit last week about whether or not to pursue the full Master’s degree and she agrees with me that it’s almost certainly not worth it. The university won’t give me any more pay just because of it, there isn’t really a way to promote me for it, and the stress from having to deal with comps and the woman who runs all of the stuff I’ve been involved in just isn’t worth it for me. So I’ll get the two certificates I had planned on and then call it good for that. I’m sure I’ll find something else interesting to get into when I’m done.

The other project I need to get my ass in gear for is a presentation for the system-wide symposium thing in May. Some of you may remember having a world class freak out about doing a presentation there last year and then having it turn out pretty damn decent. With that positive experience under my belt I’ve decided to submit a proposal to present again this year on a topic that will blend something from school with something we do at work and turn into something super useful for both realms. I need to get started on the research to make sure that it really is as feasible as I think, but when I bounced the idea off Miss K she thought it was a good thing to pursue as well. So yay.

Picture1I have a three day weekend because of MLK Day on Monday, which is rather nice. It sucks ass that our next official holiday isn’t until Memorial Day, but I’ll be taking some bits of time off before then. I’ve already been approved to have Feb 13 off since the kids are out of school and my brother in law is taking them on a weekend trip, which means Mom and I will have an entire day for big girl stuff. I’m also contemplating taking some time off in March which is when our spring break will be. I have an embarrassing amount of vacation time available because I never go anywhere so I figure I might as well use it.

Anyway, Monday the girls will also be off school so I’m going to go to the dentist and then head to my sister’s house so that we can all go to lunch together and do some craft projects before they have to go to their dance class. It should be a lot of fun.

Anyone else off work tomorrow? Any big plans?

I feel icky, oh so icky… I feel icky, and shitty, and cray-cray…

04 Sunday Jan 2015

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

alcohol, being sick sucks, life, limits, moods, motivation, sick, sinus cold from HELL, the world is full of fucking idiots, wtf?

I gave in yesterday and went to the doctor’s office. At 1am I got up because I was coughing so hard I figured I was either going to pass out or puke. I finally made enough noise to get Josh’s attention and he made sure I didn’t hurt myself. When it happened again at 3:30 I went and woke Mom up. (there are amazing advantages to being nearly 40 and living with your mother) She made me hot tea and then we both went to the couch to try to get more sleep, her thought being that maybe I’d do better sleeping more upright. At 7 something I took another Mucinex pill and waited for the doc’s office to open.

The office here is interesting. They won’t schedule you an appointment for a Saturday until Saturday morning. This is really kind of awesome – people like me who aren’t actually sick enough to need an ER can get in to see a doc without having to fight for appointment slots with people who would just prefer to do routine crap on a weekend. But it’s not the usual docs and they have a skeleton crew and they totally decide when you call if you warrant an appointment or not. Fortunately I did, and I was so special because of my symptoms that I got to wear a face mask while I was there.

Yay me.

The doc was incredibly dismissive. He told me that I wasn’t sick enough to warrant testing for influenza (which is actually good because it means I can go back to work tomorrow) and the only things he was willing to offer as prescriptions were shit I couldn’t or wouldn’t take anyway. He actually offered me hydrocodone to deal with the back spasms from coughing so hard. WHAT? Uh no, thanks, I don’t need your fancy little tic-tacs. So he said to keep up with my current regime of:

  • Mucinex DM every 12 hours
  • Tessalon cough perles every 8 hours (the ONLY Rx I’m taking and they don’t really work)
  • humidifier running by the bed at night
  • plenty of fluids
  • Vick’s vaporub
  • hot showers
  • hot tea with honey
  • no smoking
  • throat lozenges if I want them

And the real kicker?

HOT TODDIES

Because booze is totally a cough suppressant doncha know.

unnamed

i love you

15 Tuesday Jul 2014

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

a poem for my husband, alcohol, bipolar disorder, family, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, sick

I saw it in your eyes the first night we met

He’ll be a lot of work, the head said

Yes, but he’ll be worth it, the heart said

It wasn’t long before you realized that I could be good for you

And for me to realize that the heart was right

 

We’ve been through hell together

You getting sick

My dad getting sick

My dad dying

Your diagnosis

But here we are

 

I’m more stable now than I’ve maybe ever been

And you are too

 

We live, we love, we grow

Together

I am more ME because you are more YOU

And we are more US than ever

2014-06-28 20.00.15For my love, my one, my only, Josh – Love, your Sexy Mama

P.S. I am SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU for doing so well on your midterm!!! 

hot damn that was good

29 Sunday Jun 2014

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, friends, goals, life, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, projects

2014-06-28 20.00.15I kind of suck at the whole “selfie” thing apparently. We were not actually drunk when this was taken. I didn’t drink last night at all, I played the role of the DGU – Designated Grown Up. This is just the only picture I managed to take the included me or Josh last night. I was way too busy having fun. And so was Josh.

We didn’t crash until almost 2am. I haven’t been awake and outside to see stars and lightning bugs in ages. It was amazing. And we all came through unscathed. One person had to have her keys (gently) removed from her hand and given a ride home by my BFF’s 19 year old daughter because she was just too drunk. (part of my DGU duties involve monitoring such things and then sitting on people who insist on trying to leave)

1044693_10152574866047053_8435568820285039318_nThat was us this morning after getting up, returning our drunken pal’s car, and tracking down food. We weren’t pretty, but we were pretty happy.

I’m headed back down Wednesday after work so that she and I can spend Thursday getting her spare room cleaned out. She’s gotten a little overwhelmed with life and needs help getting some shit back on track. That’s what besties are for.

Friday afternoon Josh and I are headed back for Fourth of July food and fireworks. It’s been awhile since we’ve done that kind of picnic and I’m really looking forward to it. Many of the same folks we met last night will be there and I gotta tell ya kids, that was an amazing crowd of people. I’ve never felt such an instant sense of acceptance and brotherly love, NEVER. And not a one of these people knew that my connection to her is through our mental health diagnoses. Because it didn’t matter. So fucking awesome.

Happy-Squirrel-DrikingThis is undoubtedly going to be a very busy week, but I want to get back on track here. I’m going to do my best to squeeze in a Building Rome/goals post, Top 10 Tuesday, we’ll kick off 7 Weeks of Weird on Wednesday, I’ll drop in something for Mental Health Thursday, and hopefully a 4th of July themed pretty/shitty on Friday. For the time being I think that the “organizing with Mama” and “10 things of thankful” will likely get moved to the back burner, but I don’t know that for sure. Right now I’m just going to try to take this one post at a time.

10169223_10152057938863030_851700442_n

well that sucked

22 Sunday Jun 2014

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, family, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, sick, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

Things have continued to be “not swell” the last few days. I got my computer back on Friday right as I was headed out the door to go to the other office. I had to spend time with one of the tech guys getting a printer setup on my laptop so I could print stuff I needed to work on in the afternoon. And while I did get a first go at a project submitted, I didn’t manage to get a handout done that I need for a meeting tomorrow morning – which means I’ll be doing that today.

And things with Josh has proceeded to go almost entirely down the shitter.

He got home Friday and started bitching about his job and about school. I get that – we all need to vent sometimes. But it was ugly and it upset me. I ended up making tacos for dinner and then he and I watched a movie together while it stormed. He’d made mention about wanting to go out sometime this weekend for cocktails, which is generally never a good sign.

Yesterday morning we all got up and headed for the farmer’s market closest to us. Josh had mentioned wanting to fry some zucchini and the stuff you get at the grocery is terrible. So we got that and some snap peas and some funky goat cheese. And then Mom decided she really wanted to go to the big farmer’s market downtown, so off we went. That one has booths from a couple of bakeries and lots of craft/artisan stuff. I got an awesome canoli, a t-shirt, a stunning pair of purple earrings, a necklace for the kid, and Mom got a bottle of delightful blackberry wine from a local vineyard.

By this time we had decided that we were going to have a “vacation” day and just bop around town doing fun things. We stopped at home to drop everything off and then headed out for lunch at Pizza Ranch. After that it was off to the newly remodeled outlet mall outside town. I’m not a fan of the open air malls, particularly not when it’s hot as hell with high humidity, but they did have several stores we were interested in.

Two things to note – I was having my usual stomach issues throughout the entire day and Josh was mostly an ass.

We finally got home so I could rest. We decided we’d have hot dogs for dinner, since that required minimal effort, and I sent Josh off to the store for buns. He came back with that, a 4-pack of a local beer that’s potent enough they don’t put the percentage of alcohol on the bottles, and a 4-pack of wine coolers for me.

I have every intention of letting him sleep all fucking day because right now that is 100% more appealing than having to look at him. There’s a ton of stuff that needs to get done around here but apparently I can’t rely on him to do any of it unless I write it down on a fucking piece of paper, so I’m just going to do it all myself – it’s easier that way.

Part of what’s really pissing me off right now is that he JUST saw his psych doc last Wednesday and he didn’t say anything to her about being stressed out more than usual or being depressed or anything. And when I told her about how he fights going to sleep, all she did was mention sleep hygiene to him – that was it.

Whatever, not my circus, not my monkeys.

sorting shit out

17 Tuesday Jun 2014

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

≈ 28 Comments

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, depression, friends, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, sleep, stress, suicide, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

drunk barneyYou’ll be pleased to know that this is not what’s really been going on, more just how I’ve been feeling lately. (and that picture is funny as fuck and now you’re singing the song in your head, I know you are) Kind of like a cross between “chewing gum on the bottom of your shoe” and “food poisoning from McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets” (that’s a true story actually, about the nuggets – I didn’t eat them for a solid 20 years).

Anyway, I’m not quite feeling like an utter mess anymore, just still not like the polished turd I normally am. (do I dare do a Google Image search for “polished turd?” sure…)

Polished-TurdWow, who knew? And, interestingly enough, no pictures of tits this time! Though there was one of Steven Tyler, so make of that what you will.

Things at work still mostly suck and I’m not really sure if that will get better or worse any time soon, or if it’ll stay the same. Gawd love consistency, I just wish it wasn’t that things have been so consistently shitty lately. I do have to say that I lost ANY remaining tatter of respect for S today when she tossed off a joke about the suicide hotline.

Turd_YardSomeone needs to make me this sign for my birthday

At any rate, I plan to get revenge when the time is right. My motto – “give ’em enough rope, let ’em hang themselves.” Works damn near every time.

1601379_10152095668751176_2794257431156217694_nAnd we’re getting busy, ridiculously busy. If I’m going to be providing y’all with the wit and wisdom that you’ve grown accustomed to, I’m going to have to schedule it ahead. There’s next to no time in my days anymore to do it on the fly, and that kind of sucks. I’m not sure when precisely I’ll be able to get back at it full-tilt, but hopefully soon. Josh goes to school on Tuesday and Thursday nights now so I have a bit of time between when he leaves and Mom gets home to tackle such things. Eventually I’d like to use that time to hit the treadmill, but not right now. My left leg is flaring up awful right now so there will be no extra ambulation in the near future.

midgetsNope, no running for me

Things with Josh are improving. Having bipolar and being married is hard. Having bipolar and being married to someone who also has bipolar is quite likely the definition of insanity.

mr rogersMr. Rogers was one smart fella

We finally got to the point of being able to talk and get some things said which needed saying. Most importantly we remembered that we really do love each other and we choose to be together, not because we have to, but because we want to.

This really has nothing to do with anything, but I do wish the heat would kindly fuck off for a bit. The heat index (a “feels like” number consisting of some formula that involves the actual air temp and the humidity and is BIG SHIT in these parts) got close to 100F today I believe. I’m a fat little pale girl with curly hair who gets heat stroke incredibly easy. This kind of weather is damn near enough to put me in the ground. The only real upside this afternoon was that as I came around the corner onto our street I was greeted by the sight of several shirtless and very nicely toned and tanned young men taking down some trees in a neighbor’s yard.

eye-candy-tattoo-boys-6Yes, kind of like this… Several of them…

There are some parts of summer in the Midwest that are good. Very Good.

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