part of the story of Mama

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, DBT, life, mental health, mental illness, sex, stress, suicide, therapy

Y’all know by now that I’m living with a dual Dx – bipolar II and borderline. I’ve spent time inpatient more times than I can clearly remember. I’ve also done a few different kinds of therapy, an outpatient program at the hospital, and I’ve taken lots of different meds. Over the course of the last 9 years I’ve gotten pretty good at the whole “being mental” thing. But lately I’ve been wondering if I really have. Let me attempt to explain…

I am not the least bit ashamed to “out” myself about the bipolar. I don’t really care who knows or what they think. It’s part of who I am and it’s shaped me to be the person I am – a strong, intelligent woman who doesn’t take shit from anyone.

But I damn near never say anything about the borderline.

It’s a piece of me, for sure, but it’s a piece that embarrasses me. I think back on all of the asinine things I’ve done and wonder if that could have really been me. I’m so much smarter than that, aren’t I? Did I really buy a $30,000 sports car for a guy I had just met because I thought it would make him like me? How many guys did I sleep with immediately after meeting them because I just knew that was how they’d show me they loved me? How many times did someone go from an angel to a devil in my mind within a span of seconds all because I have no concept of “gray?”

Yes, I have done all of those things and a million more. Am I proud of any of it? Nope. Would I rather the world never had to witness the destruction that is me in a shitty mood? Yup. But am I still here, and still me, and still willing to fight for my sanity? You had better fucking believe it.

So yes, I’m embarrassed about the borderline, but I’m working on it. Going through two rounds of DBT has helped immensely. I’m not that same confused little girl that I was when I did those things. I have more effective skills in my arsenal of tools these days. But sometimes, sometimes she comes out again, and it scares me.

on having a broken brain that is fully aware of the fact that it’s broken

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, normal, therapy

One of my potential topics yesterday was the stresses of being “brilliant” and “mentally ill” at the same time.  Maybe I’m not brilliant, but I’m definitely mentally ill, and these two things do not seem to play well together in the same brain.

I often wonder if it would be easier for me to deal with all of this mentally ill bullshit were I not so damn smart.  If I was ignorant maybe it would be easier – maybe I wouldn’t realize how sick I am.  Maybe I wouldn’t be so aware – painfully aware – of my limitations.  Maybe I’d find myself content to work a menial job at the WalMart stocking shelves.

But no, I haz the smarts and my brain insists on using them, broken as it is.

I’ve always been smart.  I’m not like off the charts smart or anything, just smarter than your average bear.  My mom got me enrolled in special schools that catered to smart kids so I’ve always been challenged and encouraged to develop my brain muscle.  Heaven knows I had no interest in developing any physical muscles.  Anyway, I’ve also always known that there was something different about me, something that set me apart from the other kids.  I was always super sensitive to any kind of criticism or harsh words.  To this day the worst punishment my mom can dish out is to tell me that she’s disappointed in me.

So I knew I was smart and I knew I was different, what I didn’t know was just how different I am.

When I finally got diagnosed with the Bipolar at age 29 I was full tilt out of control.  I was sleeping 2 – 3 hours a night, eating just enough to keep myself going, having an affair with my husband’s best friend, and drinking every chance I got.  I didn’t even realize there was anything wrong with me – I thought my behavior was normal.  Not that I knew of anyone else who behaved like I did, but I figured it was just a phase I was going through.

When they admitted me to the psych ward and gave me the diagnosis the pieces finally started fitting together.  My sleep patterns were explainable.  There was a reason for the drinking.  Every shitty thing I’d been doing could be explained away as a symptom of an illness, a disease.  They weren’t character flaws anymore – they were symptoms and they could be treated.

I started a pharmacological regimen and therapy.  Lots of therapy.  As everything started to work I became painfully aware of the limitations my mental health was placing on me.  Gone were the days of staying up until 2am knitting.  Gone were the days of tossing back an entire 6 pack of beer by myself.  Gone were the days of enjoying sex.

Gone was just about everything I really enjoyed in my life.

So I rebuilt, slowly, from the ground up.  I learned how to take proper care of myself.  I learned how to manage my illness.  I learned how to be an adult human.

I’ve worked my entire adult life, since the time I was 16 years old, and through the entire course of my illness.  I’ve missed some work because of it, but never more than 6 weeks at a time.  I’ve been aware this whole time of just what I can and can’t do.

I can’t drink much alcohol anymore without getting violently ill.  I can’t stay up all night and then expect to function the next day.  I can’t let my gonads get the best of me and run off to have sex with strange men.

And most importantly – I have to take each of my pills each and every day if I want to stand any chance of making it to the end of the day in one piece.

So these days I look for enjoyment and fulfillment in other ways.  I’ve gotten a Master’s degree and I’m getting ready to start a graduate certificate program.  I’ve started knitting more complicated things and designing my own patterns again.  I’ve finally really started taking proper care of myself.

But would all of this be easier if I was perhaps a little dumber?  I’ll never know.

on the road to recovery

Tags

alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, christmas, crochet, friends, hormones, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, motivation, normal, sex, sleep, stress, therapy

It’s gearing up to be a busy week.  I’ve got a special class to give today over lunch, a customer to assist tomorrow morning, a small demonstration to give Wednesday morning, and 3 medical appointments.  Can’t really say as I’m looking forward to any of it, but it must be done.

The weekend turned out pretty good, all things considered.  I got quite a bit of stuff done, kept my cool the whole time, and got to spend some really good time with Josh.  It was definitely a win.

I finished a batch of peanut brittle, a batch of toffee brittle, dipped pretzels, shortbread cookies, a bunny, all of the chores, and made the soaps to finish the christmas presents for the ladies.  I feel really good about getting all of that done.  I wish I’d been able to make more progress on the second bunny, but I do still have a little time.  I’m thinking maybe tonight I can get back to her.  I am still going to try to get 4 more done by next Monday.  Since Josh will be at school tomorrow night I should have adequate time to make some good progress.

I’m really looking forward to next weekend.  Gemma and I finalized our plans for our christmas gathering.  Josh and I are heading to her house on Saturday for dinner and presents and I’m thinking maybe games or something.  At any rate, it’s been far too long since I’ve had that kind of social gathering and I’m really more than ready for it.

I’ve got to say, I’m also really pleased that Josh talked me into taking him to the doc to see about the testosterone supplements.  It’s made a huge difference in our love life, and I’m very much enjoying it.  Things have been so good lately that I find myself really looking forward to the next time we get to spend that kind of time together.  Not entirely sure if I’d say my sex drive has fully returned, but it’s definitely getting there.  I am going to ask my GYN on Wednesday is there’s something that can easily be done to boost my drive, but I’m encouraged that it’s kind of coming back on its own.

I’ve got a therapy appointment scheduled for this afternoon and I have to say, I really don’t want to go.  I can’t really afford it and I’m not sure what all we’d talk about.  Things with Josh seem to be going quite well right now.  I suppose I really should go and tell him that I feel like things are better and that I probably will stop going again for awhile.  I know I can always call him if I need him, and that’s comforting.  I just have so many other things I’d rather be doing with that time right now.

The one appointment I’m really not looking forward to this week is Friday – shrinky-poo.  I’m really kind of concerned that she’s going to try to push another med, and I definitely don’t want that right now.  I feel like I’ve finally figured out how to appropriately deal with all of this mess that’s going on and I don’t need more chemicals in the mix to potentially fuck things up again.  Plus I know she’s going to harass me about why I’m still with Josh.  What can I say, I really do still love him.  And now that I’ve figured out how to deal with him, things are going much smoother.

I wish I hadn’t been so incredibly stubborn these last few months.  All it really took was adjusting my frame of mind and now everything seems easier.  And the better I am about my responses to Josh, the better he responds back and the easier it is to be decent.  I really wish y’all could have been flies on the wall this weekend – it was amazing the difference between us.  He speaks more gently, flirts all the time, and is quite affectionate.  And he’s funny, oh my god, is that man ever funny!  I’ve been so uptight for so long that I had been ignoring how much fun he is to be with when he’s relaxed.  And the more relaxed I am, the more relaxed he is, and the better the time we have together is.  It’s truly amazing.

And he’s sober.  Well and truly, SOBER.  He’s not hiding it, he didn’t joke about it this weekend, he hasn’t asked for it since last week.  He admitted to me yesterday that he really does feel better now that he’s not drinking anymore.  He doesn’t complain about his body aching all the time because it isn’t anymore.  He did say he’s looking forward to New Year’s Eve, but in all honesty, so am I.

The mood has been entirely unremarkable other than I’d have to say it’s been level.  I haven’t really had anything other than normal fluctuations since I had the panic attack last week.  And not having to deal with all of that drama has made me feel better.  I’m still getting random headaches now and then, but I’m not too worried about it as they don’t ever seem to get as severe as they used to.  And, probably the best part – I only took 1 Melatonin last night and slept pretty damn well.  I got up once to use the bathroom but then fell right back asleep.  It was wonderful.

 

nevermind

Tags

bipolar disorder, divorce, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, quitting smoking, stress, therapy

After lunch yesterday I spent the entire rest of the day kissing Josh’s ass.  I lied to him about everything I could think of and said every sickeningly sweet thing I could come up with.  When I got home he told me what a great day we’d had together and how good it was to “have his wife back.”

Seriously?

All of my beautiful sarcasm was completely wasted.  But that’s ok.  I’m lulling him into that false sense of security just like I told you I want to.  He started kissing my ass last night, even going so far as to stop at the campus bookstore and buy me a card last night.  Really, a card?  Ever heard of “too little, too late?”  That’s alright, let him think he’s winning me back.  It’ll make my leaving him that much sweeter.

I even went so far as to tell him that the reason I’m still going to go to therapy is so that I can learn to be a better wife.  Do you believe that shit?  Apparently he did.

So after doing all of that yesterday, and having a fairly pleasant day for a change, I learned some important things about this relationship.

1. He will never be the one to make an effort first.  If I make an effort, he’ll follow.  He’ll never lead.
2. He EXPECTS this kind of treatment, all the time.  He thought we had a great day and that it was because of him.
3. Making him happy takes a colossal effort, one I am not willing to put forth on a regular basis.
4. I really and truly do not find ANYTHING about him attractive anymore, including his blue eyes.
5. I don’t trust a single fucking thing that comes out of his mouth.

I’m done.  I looked at the calendar again and realized that we don’t have the brat Thanksgiving weekend, it would be the weekend before.  So I’m trying to figure out how to make myself scarce that weekend and then kick him out over Thanksgiving.  Seems like the perfect time.  I just have to be patient and wait to get there.

There is a part of me, a really tiny part, that thinks maybe he really would be able to keep up with taking better care of me and maybe he deserves yet another chance.  I keep trying to remind that part about all of the times he’s lied and the times he’s hit me.  I’m all about second chances, but this is getting ridiculous.  I don’t know.  I guess I kind of feel like in some way I owe him one more shot since he’s probably given me way more chances than I deserve.  But really, at what point do you draw the line and say enough is well and truly enough?

And THIS is why I’m going to therapy.  I need help sorting all of this shit out.  One minute I hate him and want to hurt him, the next minute I think he’s the best thing since sliced bread and I’m the luckiest woman alive to have him.  It’s like the very worst case of not being able to make up your fucking mind ever.  I tell myself that he has NO REDEEMING QUALITIES and then the brain kicks in with “yeah, but what about the time…”  Seriously, it’s killing me.

I’m still not smoking and I’ve taken I think 1 Klonipin this week.  It’s hard, but I’m doing it.  I’m really kind of glad that I quit smoking when I did – I think if I hadn’t I may well be up to 2 packs a day by now.  And the smoking really is a crutch.  He doesn’t see it that way I don’t think, but it is.

I am starting to feel stronger, like I really could go this on my own.  My mom and I talk about it in the evenings while he’s at school.  She’s told me that *I* am welcome to keep living there with her as long as I like.  If I intend to keep Josh, we’ll need to move out as soon as we’re able to afford it.  I really do enjoy her company and could see living there with her for awhile, particularly while I’m working on my degree.  I’m sure eventually I’d want to get my own apartment or house, just because I’m fairly sure eventually I’d want to get a boyfriend again.

I really do think if I do get rid of Josh, WHEN I get rid of Josh, that I should stay single for awhile.  As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve never really been single.  There’s always been some guy that I’ve been involved with that’s had a hand in shaping who I was at the time.  I need to figure out who I am on my own and what the real Erin looks like.  Who knows, maybe under all of these layers of protection I’ll find I’m a skinny blonde who likes to jog.  I’ll never know if I don’t try.

The mood is so fucking weird lately that I don’t know if I could even put any kind of labels on it.  I’m confused, I’m hurt a lot of the time, I’m mentally exhausted, I don’t really feel like my emotions could possibly be my own, and even though I am often literally surrounded by people who love me and want to help me I have never felt more alone in my entire life.  No one can make up my mind for me, and right now that’s really what I need – to simply make up my fucking mind.  But this is big, life altering stuff.  How do you simply make up your mind on a decision that will impact the rest of your life?

My first divorce was easy – it was his idea.  All I had to do was sign some papers and it was done.  My second divorce was a mutual decision – we both came to the realization that we weren’t really good for each other anymore and it was time to move on.  No hard feelings what so ever.  This?  I just don’t know.

Josh keeps insisting that things will be better soon.  What if he’s right?  Does he even deserve a chance to be right?  After all of the bullshit he’s pulled and the terrible things he’s done to me over the last few years, do he deserve an opportunity to win this war?

I just don’t know anymore.

of temper tantrums

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, knitting, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, money, sex, stress, therapy

I mentioned yesterday that I wasn’t going to tell Josh anymore that I love him.  It’s a total lie, so why should I?  I did that to him again at last break and he freaked out on me, completely.  I finally said it just to shut him the fuck up.  Now I’ve decided that since it’s so easy for him to lie to me about the drinking, it’s going to be easy for me to lie to him about loving him.  It’s cruel, which is probably why I like it.

Last night was interesting.  He left before my mom and I had dinner because he wanted to talk to his math teacher about getting more help.  Mom and I had dinner and did the evening chores and then she went to my sister’s house to watch my nieces while my sis went to something at church.  I ran a load of laundry and got a sock started for myself.  When Josh told me he was on his way home I got into bed and started reading.

As soon as he got there he started in on me about having sex.  I told him I really wasn’t in the mood, particularly not after what had happened Sunday night.  He insisted it would be better and that I just HAD to give him a chance.  Whatever.  To avoid another temper tantrum I gave in.  And of course it wasn’t working yet again.  He blamed me and told me I wasn’t into it enough.  So we tried something else and it finally worked.  I am so sick of him doing this to me though.  Tonight there will be no sex.  I find nothing about him attractive anymore.  I have to either close my eyes or look somewhere else while we’re actually doing it.  If I look at him I feel ill.

He’s got 2 weeks of school left, counting this week.  I think he gets a short break the week of Thanksgiving.  I’m starting to think that perhaps Thanksgiving weekend would be a good time to get rid of him.  He’ll have gotten the rest of his financial aid money by then so I’ll have my money back, he asked for Friday off work so he’d have a 3 day weekend to get his shit out of my house, and my uncle will be in town so if I need an enforcer, I’ll have one.  Yes, sounds like an awesome idea to me.  Plus, that’s the next time we’d normally get the brat and really, the very last thing I want is to have to ever see that kid again.

Speaking of money, I knew about when he’d be going to the bank yesterday so I logged into his account and the very minute I saw that money get deposited, I yanked what he owed me for books out of there.  I plan to pull the deductible money the same way when he deposits the next check.

He’s still kissing ass, and I’m still not believing that this is legitimate change.  I told him on Sunday that while I appreciate the things he’s been doing, if he can’t keep up with doing things to help me then he might as well not even bother.  I don’t want someone to kiss my ass every now and again, I want someone who’s willing to help me out on a regular basis and share the burden of running a marriage with me.  I really don’t think he is.

I have my next therapy appointment tomorrow afternoon.  I need to talk to T-bone about the best way to get Josh out.  I’ve tried, kind of half assed, and it just isn’t working.  I need to figure out the best strategy for this.  Plus I need to figure out how to not bring another loser into my life.  All of the guys I’ve been with since I left my second husband have been complete wastes of space.  I need to figure out why I keep doing this to myself and start doing something different.  And I need to learn to recognize the losers earlier, like before I decide to sleep with them.

I really do think I’ll enroll in my PhD program once I get Josh out of the picture.  For one, I’ve been saying for awhile now that I want to do that before I turn 40.  For another reason, it should help keep me busy enough that I don’t go looking for another loser.  And finally, the best revenge you can get on an ex is to live your life just the way you want to and be happy doing it.

The mood is still really weird.  I’m pretty well feeling like I’m over Josh.  The annoying things he does don’t really bother me anymore.  I’m betting he sees this as him winning the battle.  What he doesn’t realize is that it means he’s completely lost the war.  I just very literally don’t give a shit about him anymore.  I’m being pleasant to him most of the time because it simply takes less energy, not because I want to be nice to him.  And I’m not starting fights anymore not because I’m trying to keep the peace, but rather because I’ve finally learned that fighting with him does absolutely no good.  He’s simply not worth the effort anymore.

He keeps thinking that everything will just magically be better when he gets done with these classes, and I’m still failing to see the logic of that.  He’ll start another set of classes a week or so after that, which means a whole new set of issues to deal with.  He claims that these classes won’t have as much homework, so he’ll have more time to spend with me.  Whatever.  I really am sorry I talked him into going to school.  He obviously doesn’t have what it takes to do a whole certificate program, let alone a degree.

I really am going to try to go it solo for awhile.  I need to figure out who I really am on my own and what I want to do with my life.  I’ve been with some guy since I was 13 years old.  I’ve never been truly on my own before.  I need to give myself some time to grow into being my own person.  Maybe I really don’t need a guy at all.  I’ll never know if I don’t try.

update from therapy

Tags

alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, family, kids, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, quitting smoking, sex, stress, therapy, work

Now I’m really wondering why I ever stopped going.  That was well and truly awesome.

We caught up from when I’d last been in and I got him up to speed on what’s been going on.  He agrees that it’s time to eliminate Josh from the picture.  I told him I’m just not sure I’m strong enough right now to do this.  He suggested that I keep seeing him for regular therapy appointments and we’ll work on getting me strong.

When I got home I told Josh I was done with his shit.  I told him I realize I’m at least partly to blame for what’s been going on but that I really just can’t do it anymore.  Things either get better, fast, or I file for divorce.  He looked like someone had just killed his puppy in front of him.  I’m done though, I can’t take any more of this stress.  We ended up “talking” off and on all fucking night.  He pretty well insisted we have sex even though I told him I wasn’t interested.  I got the last laugh though – the lousy sonofabitch wasn’t able to get an erection.  I really do think the end is coming sooner rather than later.

The biggest problem right now is that I’m really not sure I’m strong enough to do this.  I’m afraid that I’ll kick him out and then a week later change my mind.  And I can’t do that.  When I make my decision it has to be final.  My mom has already told me that once he leaves our house he isn’t welcome to come back.  Actually she said no one is welcome to come home with me anymore.  Looks like it’s going to be time to find my own apartment.  But without Josh in the picture I’ll actually have money to do that.

The thing that really got me last night was that almost the entire time Josh and I were talking he refused to look at me and he wouldn’t touch me – not even when I was crying.  Now I’d think if someone was telling me they wanted a divorce and I really didn’t want them to do that, I’d be reaching out and trying to hold their hand or something and trying to sneak kisses just to remind them that I really loved them.  Nope, he just sat there and stared off into space.  I don’t think he actually does love me anymore, I think he just says it.

I also told him last night that I know he loves the beer more than he loves me or his daughter.  He didn’t say anything about that.  If he wasn’t so in love with the beer he’d be able to give it up, but he won’t.  I told him when he drinks in front of me like that that it makes me feel like spending time with me isn’t important at all.  He just gave me a disgusted look.

Here’s another thing that gets me – I asked him why he really wants to stay married to me and he can’t tell me.  “I told you once already, that’s good enough.”  Oh really.  So I’m really left thinking I’m just a meal ticket.

Tonight he’ll be getting the beer again.  He made some kind of noise yesterday about “trying” not to drink while the brat is there this weekend.  I’d be willing to bet that doesn’t happen though.  I’m just waiting to see what kind of problems he can start tonight.  I’m here to tell you, I’m not putting up with it anymore.  If he starts in on me tonight or causes problems, he’s out first thing in the morning.  Too bad if he’s supposed to have a visit with the brat, that’s really just not my problem.

I’m trying to think ahead to what I can do to minimize the issues this weekend.  I’d really like to just call the ex and tell her we’ll have to reschedule.  I don’t think having the brat around is going to make any of this mess any easier to deal with.  I’m for sure that Josh would flip his shit about that though.  I’m kind of thinking I’ll just spend my time down in the basement working on butterflies.  That’s a nice non-offensive thing to do I think.  Of course I’m sure he’ll try to tell me that I can work on those upstairs where they are.  But he’ll have to be working on his English paper at some point considering he didn’t get anything done last night.  That probably was my fault this time.  But you know if he wasn’t planning on getting plastered tonight he’d have plenty of time to do it then.  But no.  I’ll be curious to see how he pulls off getting things done this weekend with the brat there.  I have absolutely no intention of playing “mom” this time.

The really fucked up part of all of this is that sometimes I am just dead sure that getting rid of him is the absolute best thing to do.  And then I talk to him and he’s just the tiniest bit sweet and I think, maybe there’s hope.  I actually asked T-bone about it yesterday, whether or not he thought Josh could change and be a better man.  He said he’s probably capable of it, but he can’t see him ever putting in the effort to make it happen.  And I think he’s right.  When you get down to it, Josh is probably the laziest person I know.  He’s also the most self-centered.  He doesn’t think there’s anything wrong, so why should he have to change?  He honestly thinks that all of our problems would be solved if I could just figure out how to wake up in a good mood every day and stay in a good mood.  As if I have a fucking choice.  Because really, it’s not as if I wake up and say to myself, “today I think I’ll just be a raging bitch all day!  Won’t that be fun!”

I’m trying to be decent this morning, more because I’m trying really hard not to take any more Klonipin than anything else.  He started to get a little snippy with me and I just decided to ignore it.  I waited about 30 minutes and then said something pleasant.  Not sure if I can make this work all day, but I suppose it’s worth a shot.  I have come to realize that he isn’t the only one who will have to put some effort into this if it’s going to work.  I just kind of feel like I do damn near everything in the relationship as it is.

T-bone says I’m too fucking nice – his words.  He also told me I need to figure out how to get out of this situation before something bad happens to Josh and I end up being stuck pushing his grumpy ass around in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.  Apparently he has another patient who was in a similar kind of marriage and that’s exactly what happened to her.  And now she really won’t leave the bastard because he “needs” her.  I really don’t want to see that happening to me.

I told Josh last night that I really wish he’d just go ahead and beat me.  Beat me so bad I end up in the hospital.  Because then I’d finally feel 100% justified in filing for divorce.  He just kind of looked at me.  I know the thought has crossed his mind before.  He’s laid hands on me in the past.  I just think that if he could get off his lazy ass and do something utterly terrible that I’d have no problem leaving him.  Right now I’m stuck in that place where the marriage is too bad to stay, but not bad enough to leave.

The mood continues to do really weird things.  I was pretty well in control for most of the conversations with Josh.  I kept myself very rational and calm.  Once we started having the sex debate and all of that mess I got kind of heated.  I just couldn’t understand why if I said I didn’t want to he’d keep pushing the issue.  I’ll be curious to see what happens today.

I teach this morning, in just a few hours.  It’s an old class, one I’ve taught several times before.  I think I have a whole 4 people signed up.  I was tempted to cancel it – we normally require 5 to hold a session – but I figured this was pretty close.  The interesting thing will be to see how many of them actually bother to show up.  I’m kind of hoping I’ll be done in time to talk to Josh at lunch, but only kind of.

This afternoon we have some other training thing going on.  Doesn’t sound like it should be too difficult.  I think we’re more just on hand for a group of faculty to ask questions about the one system I support.

After I get off work this afternoon I’m going to get my hair trimmed and my eyebrows waxed.  That’s pretty well the only “beauty” stuff I ever spend money on.  Well, that and pedicures.  I really like my hairdresser.  My mom has started seeing her, too.  I look forward to our visits.

I’d like to say that I’m looking forward to the weekend and some time to relax, but I don’t like to be a liar.  I plan to just try to keep myself busy and attempt to stay out of trouble.  I’m going to focus on the chores and making those butterflies and staying the hell out of Josh’s way.  Wish me luck.

ps – Even with all of this unbelievable bullshit, I STILL haven’t smoked.

just go

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, therapy

I’m so sick of all this.  I really am ready to just tell him to pack up his shit and get the fuck out of my house.  But I can’t.  As my mom just pointed out to me, he owes me money, and he won’t get his financial aid for another week.  If I can wait until after he pays me what he owes me then I’ll be better off.  And really, what’s another week?

He’s just terrible.  When I talked to him on his last break he told me that he’s hurt his back at work.  I told him I was sorry to hear that.  He came back with, “but you don’t have to rub it for me.”  Oh, that’s nice, I wasn’t going to.  And by the way I’ll never ask you for anything else.  Ok, BYE!!!

He fucking does this to me all the time.  He’ll start a conversation and then abruptly end it because his break is over and then we never get back to it.  Earlier today he was texting me a little between breaks, but not anymore.  I told him I understand that he’s just too busy for me, but that’s ok, I’ll just find someone who isn’t too busy.

Fuck him.  Oh wait, I don’t wanna do that.  I’m not going to do that tonight.  No way.

I’m still a little nervous about going to this therapy appointment, but I know I need to do it.  It should help.  Talking to T-bone always does help.  I really just shouldn’t have ever stopped seeing him.  I got lazy and I got to stingy with my money.  I really should have just told Josh that he wasn’t welcome at the appointments anymore and taken care of it that way.  Alas, I didn’t, and now I have to pick up the pieces.  But I’m going.  I really am.  Might have to take a Klonipin before I go, but I’m going.

I would say that I’ll give you an update tonight when I get home but Josh made some noise at lunch about working on his English paper tonight, which means he’d be using the computer again.  We’ll see.  If nothing else you can expect a full report first thing tomorrow morning.

I’ve got an hour before I can leave and it’s an hour until Josh gets off work.  Not sure if I’ll hear anything from him between now and then, or between when he gets off and when my appointment is, or what.  His last text said that he’d see me at home – quite possibly he has no intention of saying anything else until he physically sees me.  That would be pretty typical of him, namely because it’s mean.

of therapy

Tags

bipolar disorder, christmas, kids, knitting, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, money, sex, stress, therapy

I saw a therapist pretty well non-stop from the time I started getting treated for depression until about 18 months ago.  In that span I saw 4 different therapists.  I liked 2 of them really well, the other 2 not so much.  The last therapist I really liked.  I stopped seeing him because Josh had started insisting on going with and then we never actually talked about what was going on.  The guys would just kind of shoot the shit while I sat there and stewed.

I’m going back to see that therapist today.  By myself.

I kind of have mixed feelings about this.  I realize it’s time to start getting help again and that they only way I can do that is on my own.  However, I’m a little scared that he’s going to have unpleasant things to say to me about how I stopped coming all those months ago.  He never tried to get in touch with me or check to see how I was doing, so I really don’t know what I should think.  All I know is when I left we were on good terms so I’m hoping we still are when I get there this afternoon.

I don’t know how often I’ll start going again.  It probably depends on how things go today.  It’s also going to depend on what my insurance ends up paying for.  It’s been quite awhile since I’ve paid for therapy, I have no idea what the co pay is like these days and I really can’t afford a whole lot.

I really want him to help me try to sort out this mess I have going on with Josh.  I need to be able to think rationally about it before I make any decisions, and I’m pretty sure he can help me with that.  I know he’s never been overly fond of Josh, and I guess I can’t blame him.  In some ways Josh has been just terrible for me.  However, I have managed to stay out of the hospital since I met him, so I think that counts for something.

We’re still kind of fighting.  He got home last night and I really didn’t want to have anything to do with him.  I laid down and we talked for awhile and I told him I had absolutely no interest in having sex.  He went and took his shower and then turned the tv on.  When I woke up at 2:45 to go to the bathroom the tv was still on.  I’ve hidden the remote control.

This morning he was running really late.  He was still there when my alarm went off.  Usually he’s texting me that he’s at work before that alarm goes off.  Anyway, he got there and told me he loves me and that he’s looking forward to our weekend.  I told him I hope he enjoys it.  He’s trying to assure me that I will, too.  Yeah, there’s just nothing I enjoy more than trying to do my chores around the two of them and being cooped up in that house while he does homework and she watches shit on her kindle.  Oh yeah, totally my idea of a wonderful weekend.  The only thing decent about this weekend is that the ex is supposed to pick the brat up at 1:30 Sunday afternoon so they can go to a play downtown.  Of course I’m sure she’ll be late, she always is.  Not my problem.

I haven’t touched the knitting pretty well all week.  I’ve felt exhausted by the time I’ve gotten home and I’ve basically been fighting with Josh over lunch, so that doesn’t really leave me with much motivation to be working on this stuff.  This weekend I’ll have to figure out how to get myself back in gear.  I really need to get the butterfly things done soon so that I can figure out how I’m assembling them.  I think I need to go buy some beads for this, but I’m not sure.  They’re not coming out quite as big as I had thought they would, but I think they look ok.  I’m still debating about doing the stuff for Josh and his family – I really just don’t know that we’ll still be together, so why should I go to all that trouble for people I might not even be seeing?  I know I need to get Gemma’s hubby’s gift done yet, but that shouldn’t take more than a few days.  I also need to make some toys for the nieces.  I’m just really hoping that this weekend I get my mojo back and I can power through some of this stuff.

The mood is still pretty low.  Every time I think things with Josh will start to look up, something happens and we’re right back to fighting with each other.  I’m really sick and tired of it.  But of course it’s all my fault.  If I’d just keep my mouth shut everything would be fine.  Maybe that really is what I need to do, just not talk to him anymore.  Maybe that would solve all the problems.