the best laid plans of Mama OR why Tuesday kind of sucked as bad as Monday, but maybe only on the level of sucking tadpole nuts

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adventures in cooking, bipolar disorder, crochet, getting creative, getting healthy, goals, health, husbands are like large children who still don't listen, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, recipes, skin conditions, stress, stress management, the world is full of fucking idiots

Holy fucking flying squirrels, TIME OUT!

I will spare you some of the gory details because I’m polite like that, but dammit, what a day. Josh still doesn’t have everything taken care of for his pre-op crap and somehow that was my fault, even though I’ve been nagging him about it since we found out it needed to be done. Evidently I was supposed to completely plan out all of it to ensure that he got to class, got the supplies he needs for class (that place closes at 5pm and is on the other side of town), got all of his homework done on time, and got the pre-op stuff done (had to be at the doc’s office before 6pm) AND all of this had to be done this week.

Needless to say he’s at home today because the goddamn EKG didn’t go well and this way he not only gets a day off work but can do all of that other shit plus have time to fuck around. Apparently life is good when you’re an idiot.

I met with shrinky-poo yesterday and that, fortunately, went really well. I mentioned to her this glorious rash I developed after setting up the garden with Mom a few weeks ago and evidently, get this, I am ALLERGIC TO THE SUN. Long term lithium usage apparently makes you sensitive to natural sunlight so it’s likely that any time I’m outside for any length of time I’ll turn bright red, bumpy/blistery, and itch like mad. Ah yes, you’re jealous, I get it.

Last night after all the excitement I though to myself, “self, we should totally work on that crocheted vest. Fucking thing is damn near done. Let’s get on that right now!” And so I did. Then this happened…

that’s one of the “sleeves” and there is a 360 degree twist in it

that’s what it looks like all laid out; notice how incredibly ruffly the sleeve bits are? ick

and that is one of my man-hands laying on top of it to show how ridiculously too fucking big it is

I put it in time out and started working on the knit shrug instead while I decided the fate of this monstrosity. The yarn is phenomenal and it deserves to be turned into something truly lovely. So I really think that it’s going to be frogged (ripped out so that the yarn can be reused, for those of you who aren’t knitters/crocheters). Right now I just can’t hardly bear to look at it.

One of the other things I decided to do last night was try some new recipes involving chia seeds. (yes, I am 100% jumping on the healthy hipster food bandwagon and I apparently like torturing myself) I made a really good smoothie that I will absolutely make again, probably tonight. And then I decided to try this breakfast thing. Kind of like oatmeal but made with the seeds. The recipe looked easy, sounded tasty, so off I went.

fish eyes, yummy!

surely adding more milk will help, right?

the rest of that bottle of milk PLUS some frozen blueberries! surely this is all it really needs, right?

So now I’m sitting next to a bowl of what looks remarkably like fish eyes with rabbit turds floating in it, hoping like hell that the blueberries defrost and I can maybe eat this shit. The flavor isn’t bad, honestly, it’s the texture that’s a little strange. And I’m really thinking that I may need to put a safety belt on the toilet later.

One of these days I’ll learn.

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life lessons

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goals, meds, mental health, mental illness, random shit that falls out of my brain, sleep, stress

I don’t have time for a proper post because this has been less than a proper day. I woke up quite late, so late that I didn’t have time to walk. I hadn’t made coffee last night and thought I’d just stop on the way in to work but because I was running late so was Josh and then I was really late.

Note to self:  TWO Benadryl at once, though allowable per the label on the bottle, is not cool.

Anyway, I do have worthwhile shit to share, but it’s already late and I need to get back to work on my crocheted vest. And take some pills. But only one Benadryl.

Some things have to be learned the hard way…

the excitement is just never-fucking-ending

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, family, getting creative, goals, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress

Bear with me kids, I’m unbelievably tired right now. Well, unbelievably for me considering I got a full night’s sleep and I’ve actually had time to eat some nutritious food today. I could seriously go for a margarita and a nap.

I got up at 5am, got on the treadmill, worked on the black & white vest for a few minutes, and got on with my day. For some reason when I got to work it just sort of all went downhill, but not in a bad way. More in a “holy fuck, is there actually a brain in my skull or did someone sneak in and replace it with Folgers?” kind of way. I got shit done but it was slow and painful and probably funny to watch.

So we went and saw the dermatologist this afternoon. She was delightful as always. I told her that Josh has been doing the same kinds of preventative shit that I do and what happened with this latest flare. She looked at his ass-crater and offered some more intensive options. She also said she would 100% endorse going ahead with the surgery.

As of June 22 Josh will truly be a half-assed husband.

Ok, not quite, but it’s funny. Sort of. Between now and then we each have a psych appointment and I have a therapy appointment. Oy.

Anyway, just wanted to pop in with a small update. My 28 day challenge stuff is going well, I’ve got a box of stuff to take to Goodwill, goals for the week are going well, and for the most part I feel swell.

top 10 tuesday returns

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anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, DBT, depression, effective coping skills, goals, life, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sleep, stress, stress management, top 10, top 10 tuesday

Hiya kids! Welcome to another installment of Top 10 Tuesday. This week I’ve decided to share some effective coping skills / tips & tricks I’ve picked up over the last 9ish years. I need to point out right about now that yours truly has a dual diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder II and Borderline Personality Disorder, so I’ve gone through DBT and that’s where I picked up a good chunk of this.

I’m not trained in delivering DBT and I’m sure as fuck not a medical professional so what I’m offering here are just suggestions for things that I find effective. Your mileage may vary.

M’kay, let’s roll…

1. Control:  First and foremost I would like to remind you, gentle reader, that you are human. (shocking, I know) As humans we are imperfect creatures. We do not always make the most effective decisions when faced with a choice. I would encourage you to strive for gentleness in all things but in particular when dealing with yourself. And do your best not to judge, others or yourself. Judgements can lead to emotional pain and that’s not very effective. Learn to recognize the difference between the things you can control and things you can’t. Do your best to make informed choices when you have control and to roll with it when you don’t. Acknowledge it, learn from it, and move on.
2. Staying Organized:  I thrive on structure and routine. My keys are always hung on the hook in the entryway when I’m at home, in the small outer pocket of my purse when I’m carrying that, or in the top flap pocket of my backpack when I’m carrying it. If I don’t do things the same way every time I confuse myself. By doing the small things like that the same way consistently I’ve found that I can free up some of my limited brain power for other, more interesting to me, things. It also minimizes the stress I would feel should I have to hunt for stuff.
3. Put it on Paper:  This kind of goes with staying organized I guess. Anything I need to remember is immediately documented otherwise it’s gone. I have an app on my phone that allows me to keep a to do list with reminder notifications, I keep a small notebook in my purse and another in my backpack, and I use the Tasks feature in Outlook for my work stuff. This is another stress minimizer. If I don’t feel the stress in the first place then I don’t have to spend time trying to reduce the impact of it on my day.
4. Set Goals:  The weekly goals thing I do really does help me to not only get things done but also challenge myself. I set them to be just a little on the difficult side, but not all of them and not always. I’ve learned that nothing breeds success for me like success. (say wha…?) No, really. If you’re able to set yourself up to succeed you are more likely to succeed again. Start small and build your way up. Try it, you might like it. And I have faith in you.
5. Get Active:  I have learned over the years that few things will help level my mood, reduce anxiety, and help me sleep more than getting a little exercise. My preference is to walk on the treadmill for at least 15 minutes. Lately I’ve been increasing my speed and adding a little incline to make it slightly more challenging and I’m trying to 5x a week. But it is utterly amazing what a difference a brisk walk will make for me.
6. Good Nutrition:  There is a saying in the tech world, “garbage in, garbage out” and it holds true for fuck near everything. If you put garbage (junk food) in your body then you really shouldn’t expect it to perform well. Aim for a balanced diet that includes a variety of stuff including whole grains, fruits, veggies, lean meats, and a little chocolate. Seriously, don’t tell yourself that there are things you can’t have (unless you’re allergic, then totally don’t eat that shit) but try to be aware of serving sizes and exercise a little moderation.
7. Relax:  Make time every day to do something that you enjoy and that you’re good at. (success breeds success, remember?) Your brain and body need some time to unwind and just hang loose. For me this is an every evening thing. At 8pm I take my bedtime meds, turn off the electronics, turn on the stereo, and do something creative. I need that time to feel like me.
8. Know When to Retreat:  Some days you’re the dog and some days you’re the hydrant, that’s just life. There will be times when going back to bed and hiding under the covers feels like the best option. So do it. But then tomorrow you need to get back up and start kicking ass again. It’s a tactical thing really. You retreat, rally the troops, build your strength back up, and come out swinging.
9. Make the Most of What You’ve Got:  My assumption is that we all have tools available to us that could help make our lives a little easier, we just need to identify them and utilize them in the most effective ways possible. The #1 tool in my arsenal is my phone. I have a Motorola Droid Ultra smartphone and I make that little fucker do everything. I have a white noise app to help me sleep, the Fitbit app so I can see my progress during the day and help track my sleep and food intake (when I can be bothered to log that shit), an app so I can listen to audio books while I walk, my task app (with a reminder setup for every night at 8pm so that I don’t forget my pills), email apps for my personal and work accounts, a calendar app that ties in my personal and work info, every mailing address I could possibly need entered with my contacts… You get the idea. I also use pill trays, 3 of them, to keep track of my pills which makes it super easy to see if I forgot a dose of something. It doesn’t have to be electronic/expensive/or fancy, but I bet you’ve got something you can turn into your little personal assistant.
10. Chaos:  I’ve learned the hard way that physical chaos in my surroundings leads to an almost complete inability to be productive. I pick up after myself every night before bed, I put all of my shit at the office away when I leave for the day, and I’m trying to keep the crap in my immediate line of sight at my work areas to a minimum. You might not be bothered by this, but I sure as fuck am. Clutter is an evil thing in my world and I’m trying to eliminate as much of it as possible.

dear drama llama…

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alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, depression, getting creative, health, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sleep, stress

Stress effects everyone differently, but you can rest assured that it effects us all. Stress can be good, like the kind that drives us to do our best on a project. It can also be bad, like the kind that emotionally cripples us and leaves us in a heap on the floor. But we don’t have to let bad stress make us it’s bitch. Here are some of the ways that I help to combat my stress.

Humor

Dear Drama Llama,
We’ve spent a lot of time together lately, so much in fact that my dear friends Productivity and Sleep are getting concerned. I think they’re right, it’s time for you and I to take a break from each other. Let’s just reschedule. Does the Tuesday after NEVER work for you? Let me know. Kthxbai.

It’s a lot harder to cry when you’re busy laughing.

Exercise

Physical activity releases good chemicals into our bodies that make us feel good and when we feel good it’s easier to deal with stress. I also find that when I’m stressed I have nervous energy that makes it hard to sleep and exercising helps to burn that off. My preferred form of exercise is walking. I have a treadmill at home and I love it. The days I make time to walk I feel noticeably better.

Nutrition

Food is fuel for our bodies and the higher quality fuel we put in, the better our bodies run. This is never more true than when we’re stressed. I know how tempting it is to reach for the junk food and chocolate, but try to resist. If you need something crunchy to work out a little aggression, go for raw veggies like carrots or fresh apples. Fruit can take the place of something sweet like chocolate and is extra treat-like if you freeze it (cherries are my favorite for this). Tempting as it may be, do your best to stay away from alcohol. Stress and alcohol do not mix.

Make time for something you enjoy

Even when we have so much going on that it seems like time to relax is a luxury we really need to make time for ourselves. Our brains need time to unwind and chew on something other than what’s stressing us out. I take an hour every evening right before bed to draw or knit or play with nanoblocks. It really does make a difference. And it leads me to another biggie…

Sleep

I know first-hand how hard it is to get enough sleep when you’re stressed, and how sometimes it’s hard because all you want to do is sleep, but a good balance is what we all need. Most folks need somewhere between 7 and 9 hours every night. I fall right in the middle, happiest with about 8. Getting some physical activity every day, before dinner, helps. Staying away from caffeine or other things that stimulate you helps. Doing something relaxing for awhile before bedtime helps. And turning off the electronics for an hour before you lay down helps.

Follow doc’s orders

I have an Rx from shrinky-poo for anxiety meds that help with stress. I’m allowed 2100mg per day but usually only take 1200. It helps knowing that I have room to increase safely but I really do find that handling at least some of it with diet, exercise, and relaxing activities works much better for me. But I really can’t encourage y’all enough to talk to your mental health care provider about the kinds of stress you normally have and what the best ways are for you to help address it.

mental health thursday

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bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, hope, life, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, normal, sick, sleep, stress

We haven’t done this in awhile, so I thought maybe we should revisit our little talks about mental health. I have a tendency to get wrapped up in my own little world to the point that I forget that part of what I need to do is spread the word about how “normal” those of us with mental illness really are. Mostly I forget because I’m too busy being normal I guess.

But I want y’all to know that you are not alone. Let me say this again…

Y’ALL AIN’T ALONE.

Even though I don’t often talk about my diagnoses these days that does not mean that I don’t still have issues. I do. HELL YES I do. My diseases have reached what I consider to be the equivalent of remission for someone fighting cancer. They’re still there, they still color my world, but I’m not having to seek crisis intervention on a regular basis. And that feels nice.

My name is Erin and I have Bipolar Disorder II and Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve attempted suicide four times. I’ve been hospitalized more times than I care to recall. I’ve lost friends. I’ve lost the ability to do some of the recreational activities I used to love. I’ve had allergic reactions to meds so severe I was almost hospitalized. I’ve stared down the beast that is depression and I’ve stayed up for 6 days solid, dancing with the beast that is mania.

I have been there, done that, and got the free t-shirt to prove it.

I’ve also started and completed both a Master’s degree and a graduate certificate since being diagnosed. I’ve maintained my full-time job and advanced in my career. I’ve learned to be financially responsible. And I’ve learned that I will feel better if I can help make someone else feel better.

These days I do a whole lot of taking care of me so that I can take care of those I love. I take my meds like a good kid. I eat mostly healthy food and I stay mostly away from alcohol. I try to get good sleep every night. I see my psych doc when I’m supposed to and I make an appointment with my therapist when I feel I need to. And I try to focus on the good stuff. I spend more time with the good things I can still do and less time missing the things I used to do.

We’ll get through this together, we really will. I promise.

top 10 Tuesday – mental health style

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alcohol, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, family, friends, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, money, moods, motivation, sick, stress, top 10 tuesday

I haven’t done a Top 10 Tuesday in awhile now, and I realized that it’s high past time. So, for today’s Mental Health style list I present for you my Top 10 Stupid Things I Did While Manic.

1. Had an affair with my husband’s best friend.
2. Bought an Infinity G35 for a guy I had met once.
3. Moved in with a guy I met in the Special Care Ward.
4. Had that schmuck’s name tattooed on my back.
5. Racked up $20k in credit card debt buying random crap. (I don’t have any of it anymore)
6. Became obsessed with a guy who lived in a different country and when shit didn’t go good with him I OD’d.
7. Pushed away damn near everyone who cared about me.
8. Had sex with any guy who was even remotely nice to me because in my mind (back then) sex = love.
9. Drank so much I honestly pickled my liver. (it has since recovered)
10. Made a 2 hour round trip twice a week for several weeks to visit another schmuck who was in the regional mental health facility. I was his chewing tobacco mule.

My life has not always been glorious or glamorous or even all that worth living. But I’ve been working on all of this for quite a while now, at least 5 years, and life is dramatically different. The majority of my debt these days is student loans from my Master’s degree. The name got covered up. The car got sold. I have a group of people who love me and, for some unknown reason, continue to put up with my bullshit.

All of that to say this…

Just because life sucks today doesn’t mean it will still suck tomorrow. Hang in there, keep fighting, keep pushing, you can totally do this. You will totally do this. I believe in you.

mental health awareness month

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bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, meds, mental health, mental health awareness month, mental illness

I realize I haven’t been talking about my mental health too much lately. I’m extremely fortunate in that I’ve managed, with a lot of help from some truly amazing people, to reach a place where my mental health isn’t sitting squarely at the top of my list of waking thoughts. Odd as this is going to sound I have just recently had to set an alarm for myself so that I remember to take my bedtime meds because I had actually forgotten a few times. (not entirely, but didn’t remember until about an hour late) I’m kind of sort of maybe finally normal-ish, sometimes. It’s a little freaky to be honest.

But I want to make sure that I don’t lose sight of how I got here and I damn sure don’t want to ever forget how important it is to take care of myself. So this month in particular I’m going to be talking about mental health, my mental health, more regularly. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, so let’s talk.

she’s baaaaaack!

Tags

life, love, meds, mental health, money, moods, motivation, school, sleep

It’s currently WTF-o’clock and I am wide awake. I’ve actually been up since about 4:30 local time. I had to pee, then I got Josh to snuggle, then I realized that I was not actually going to fall asleep so why not take advantage of some found quiet time. Since I’ve been up I have:

• Paid all the bills that were sitting here, both the online ones and the paper ones
• Played the feather game with Evie
• Shuffled money around online between bank accounts
• Ordered the ottoman I wanted from Amazon; the fabric is not my first choice but that’s easy enough to fix
• Took my antibiotic so that hopefully I can get the whole “I feel like my insides are going to explode” feeling over with before I go to work
• Sorted and filed all of the miscellaneous shit in the mail rack

Not bad for about an hour’s worth of work.

So anyway, the presentation for class yesterday went really well. I was not at all prepared when I got to work but by the time I left for class I had everything as ready as I could. They seemed to really enjoy the origami activity I had prepared and the graphic designer kept nodding her head in agreement while I was doing the short lecture portion. I haven’t actually looked at the evaluations from my classmates yet, but I’m like that when I teach a real class. Even if I know it went well I just can’t bring myself to be open to any kind of criticism for a day or so. But I know what all I have left to do now to wrap things up and I don’t feel like that should be a problem.

This afternoon I’m meeting with my adviser to hopefully find out what, if anything, I still need to do to complete this certificate. I know I’ll need to finish my portfolio but once I have everything from this class written up I’ll be able to do that. The big question yet is about the required class swap. It’s tying me up in knots not knowing that’s going on. I honestly think she should have at least given me some kind of indication in her email but that’s not her style I guess. I will be incredibly relieved to be done with this so that my potential interactions with her will go back to being absolutely minimal.

Things with Josh seem to be getting better. I realized that neither of us has been making the other a priority lately. We’ve been doing our own separate things and not really spending much time together reconnecting. Hopefully that will continue to get better. We also need to work on how we communicate. We’ve been jumping to the absolute worst assumption any time the other says something that could be taken two different ways. So hopefully we’ll put in some effort and things really will get better.

afternoon update

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bipolar disorder, Evie Cat, family, friends, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, stress

Dr. Evie Cat prescribes two belly rubs and a box of bandaids

Just a little note to let y’all know how things have gone. I got a prescription from the dermatologist for an antibiotic that I hopefully won’t be allergic to and I went and saw T-Bone. I realized that I really did not like the way my innermost bits felt and that he’d be a good place to start. So we chatted, I bitched, and I feel a little less directionless now. Then I came home and Evie has been glued to my side, which isn’t all that odd. When she hears me cough at night she hops up on the bed to check on me. She’s a good little kitty.

Thank you all for the kind words and letting me kvetch a little this morning. Sometimes I need to whine and feel sorry for myself for a few minutes before I’m ready to kick my own ass. Tomorrow WILL be a better day.