life through the lens – pain

Tags

cats, death, life through the lens, loss, pain

The theme this week is Pain. I had quite a few ideas for this one, actually. It seems like I’ve packed a fair amount of pain into my years. But some of the pictures I found, even though they were older, much older, were still too fresh to take out and tell their stories. So I’m going with this one…

Believe it or not, that was Evie Cat’s dad. His name was Galahad and he was an amazing little guy. We rescued him the old fashioned way – the downstairs neighbors had kittens, he kept escaping from their apartment, we lived in a terrible part of town, so I took him in. He and I became fast friends. (and the horny little bastard sired two litters of kittens)

When Rob and I separated, I couldn’t take any of the “kids” with me so he took Galahad to his sister’s to live with him. A few years later my little guy had a stroke and had to be put down. He was not the first cat I had ever had cross the Rainbow Bridge, but he was the first to do so while so far away from me. I never got to say goodbye and that was horrible.

anniversary

Tags

death, grieving

One year ago today I lost my father to cancer.  It was sudden – he went in for tests right after Thanksgiving and died right after Valentine’s Day.  He had an aggressive sarcoma in his leg that literally drained the life out of him.  It was utterly terrible to watch him die.

I miss my dad, every day.  We had kind of a weird relationship, but it was good.  I used to ride to work with him in the mornings.  Sometimes we wouldn’t even talk to each other, but it was a comfortable kind of silence.  I always knew that he was there for me and that he loved me as only a father can.

I’ll never forget the good times I had with my dad – the summer camps he went to with us, the vacations he and my mom took us on, all of the help he gave me with my math homework.  He was a great dad and I loved him very much.

You never know when life is going to take someone you love from you.  I had just enough time to tell my dad how much he meant to me and how much I loved him.  Not everyone gets that chance.

Take time today to tell those you love just how much they mean to you.  You might not get another tomorrow with them.

I love you Daddy.

his side of the story

Tags

bipolar disorder, death, divorce, family, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, quitting smoking, seasonal affective disorder, sleep, stress

It’s really not fair.  For weeks and months you’ve been listening to me bitch about how rotten Josh is.  What a terrible man, what a terrible husband, what a worthless father.

Maybe these things are true, but you’re not getting the complete picture.

I’m terrible to him sometimes.  I have mood swings that are just unbelievable in their depravity.  I’ve said things to him and about him that no self-respecting woman should ever say about her husband.  And he’s stood there and taken all of it.  He hasn’t yelled at me, or tried to correct me, or tried to defend himself at all.

I realized these things last night during a conversation with my mother.  I have well and truly broken him, broken his spirit.  This is just beyond terrible.

There are no words to adequately describe the depths of my depravity lately.  I’ve been the very worst example of what mental illness can do to an otherwise decent human being.

But I refuse to use that as an excuse.

In some way, in some locked tight part of my brain, I’ve known exactly what I was doing.  I very literally pushed – on purpose – almost every button that man has.  There are 2 left, and pushing them would be fatal.

I’ve been telling myself that I needed some kind of sign from the universe to help me make up my mind about this whole situation.  I wasn’t strong enough to do it myself so I’ve been waiting.  And while I’ve been waiting I’ve been trying to force his hand and make him leave me.  Any other man would have bolted by now.  Not Josh.

So there it is, the very definite, ultimate proof that he really and truly loves me.  There simply is no other explanation for why he would subject himself to routine torture like this.

Don’t get me wrong kids – this entire mess has not been solely my fault.  All I’m saying is that I’ve done more than my fair share of rotten lately and now I’m going to try to make amends.

At heart he’s a good guy.  He’s got oodles of potential.  He’s got a mean streak, to be sure, but he’s also a pretty gentle soul.  He’s patient with me most of the time, even when he probably shouldn’t be.

He’s got faults – but so do I.  He’s working on his, now it’s my turn to work on mine.

I did fall off the wagon with the smoking yesterday.  Nothing has tasted quite so good lately as that first drag.  I’m still going to try to quit again, and stay quit this time, but not right now.  The time simply isn’t right.

It was about this time last year that my dad got sick.  He went into the hospital right after Thanksgiving and died in February.  It was a rare, aggressive form of cancer.  Watching someone you love die is an utterly terrible thing, and it changes you.  The winter holidays will never be the same for me.  I miss my daddy, a lot.

Bear with me kids, it may get rough for a bit, but I’m fairly sure it’s going to get better.

I took the Lamictal last night at the same time I took my Melatonin and I slept pretty good.  I feel more rested this morning and like I actually have some energy for a change.  The sun lamp is on, the coffee cup is full, and I’m about to go smoke.  I’m not going to be so brazen as to say that life is good right now – I fucked things up pretty good and it’s going to take time.  But I feel like now I have a better sense of the direction I need to go and what I need to do.

is it friday yet?

Tags

bipolar disorder, death, knitting, life, love, mental illness, sleep

The tea thing had been working, until last night.  Not sure if it’s being worried about the cat or the massive thunderstorm we had.  At any rate, I slept like shit again and I feel like death warmed over this morning.

I’m pretty well convinced that the cat is dead.  If she was still alive she’d have come home by now.  My mom thinks maybe she got attacked by an animal.  I’m not sure.  Whatever the case, I’m sure she won’t be coming back.  And that sucks.  She wasn’t a great cat, but she was company.

Josh and I had a really rough day yesterday, mainly because of my anxiety.  I was all kinds of moody and bitchy and I totally took it out on him.  He was moody and bitchy back, which didn’t help.  We finally got things straightened out though and it would appear that we’re back to normal.

I wish the mood was back to normal.  I feel totally wiped today.  I don’t really feel like doing anything or talking to anyone.  I’m hoping I can hide in my office most of the day.  We’ll see how that goes.

I didn’t even bring any knitting with me today.  I need to do a gauge swatch for the next pair of socks and I didn’t really feel like doing that today.  I probably should have brought a hat with to finish, but my heart just wasn’t in it.

If I can just make it through the next few days I’ll be rewarded with a weekend.  I need to go get a pedicure on Saturday and maybe get the oil changed in the car.  There’s also an art festival on Saturday that I think I’d like to hit.

happy birthday to me

Tags

bipolar disorder, death, family, grateful, life, love, mental illness

Yes kids, today is the day.  I’m old.  Well, older anyway.  I won’t be well and truly old for a few more years.  Today I guess I just feel old.

Josh did remember this morning, so that was nice.  And my grandma called and sang to me like always.  The only thing missing is a birthday greeting from my dad.  I’m really going to miss that this year.

Not much in the way of excitement going on today so far.  I’m at work as per usual, just kind of waiting for my co-workers to show up and see if any of them remembered.  I had dropped a hint to one of them that I didn’t really want a big fuss made this year.  I’m just hoping they do a little something.

Mom is supposed to be taking me out for lunch on Friday.  She gave me a gift certificate to the nail salon for pedicures.  Josh ended up buying me a new dress for work, a pair of pale green pajamas, and a new silver rose bead for my charm bracelet.  Not a bad birthday so far.

I’m 36 years old, I lost my father a month ago, I’ve been married 3 times, and I’ve got a dual mental health diagnosis.  My life has the potential to suck ass hardcore.  But I don’t think it does, at least not most days.  Sure, there’s a lot of crummy shit going on, but there’s a lot of good as well.  I think too many of us take the good things for granted too often.  I would challenge all of you today to stop for a moment and reflect on the good in your life.  We all have at least one thing to be thankful or grateful for.  I’ll share mine later.

What’s yours?

 

tgif

Tags

bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, death, goals, grief, knitting, life, love, mental illness, normal

So much to talk about, where to start…

I do indeed have bruises on my hips.  Not bad, but still.  I’m starting to feel a little better but I’m still pretty stiff.  I’ve pretty well decided that this is the new way my body is going to deal with stress.  Ah yes, piss off the system and the system will bite you in the ass.  Literally.

Things with Josh have settled down, I think.  Yesterday was strained, but I was expecting that.  When I got home we kind of talked about what had happened and got things straightened out.  The problem is when we fight, he finds the nastiest thing to say to me knowing full well how much it’s going to hurt my feelings.  I don’t fight like that.  I know that once I say something I can’t take it back.  Anyway, I guess we’re back to normal.  And of course that means he’s being uncommunicative again this morning.  I’m finding that I just can’t win with him.  I’m just about to be done trying.

The moods for the most part are holding stable.  I have what I think are probably normal fluctuations during the day.  I go up a little, I go down a little, but I seem to be coming back to the middle fairly quickly and pretty regularly.  I’m thinking this is a good thing.  Perhaps I’m really at the “normal” place again.  It’s really hard to say with me.  All I know for sure is that I don’t feel much of anything too strongly for too long, so I’m considering that a good thing.

I brought my to do list with me today so that I could evaluate and make a plan of attack.  There’s 12 things now and I’m thinking I should be able to get damn near everything done this weekend if I manage my time right.  I kind of already started a little this morning so that’s good.  I just have this feeling that if I can get this stuff done it will lift some of the weight off my shoulders and perhaps help my back feel a little better.  I know it will make the brain feel better, so it’s worth a try.

I am indeed going to try the goals things.  What I posted earlier this week is the official list.

1. Finish the scarf for the kid.
2. Find the missing picture of me and Dad and print it.
3. Finish my to do list.
4. Start reading Game of Thrones with Josh.
5. Start my Christmas list.

I did start the Christmas list, so I’m already ahead of the game.  We’ll see how long I can keep this going.

I also found the perfect pattern this morning for a ball of sock yarn I have at home.  It’s this shawl from Knitty.  I’ve got enough yarn with the one ball and it looks pretty easy.  I’d like to try to start it soon.  The yarn is Dream in Color “Starry” in the Wisterious colorway, which means it’s kind of pinky and purpley with a little thread of silver running through it.  I think it will be perfect for this pattern because the color changes are very subtle.  I’m looking forward to it.

My boss has the day off today so I’m not sure what I’m going to do.  I’ve got plenty I could do to stay busy, just not sure what I’ll be able to concentrate on.  My brain still doesn’t feel quite right so sometimes it’s hard to think straight.  My psych doc said that might take awhile to come back after losing my dad.  Usually I bounce back fairly quickly from these kinds of things, but maybe not this time.  I’ve been trying to stretch my mental muscles a little every day, but not push myself so hard that it hurts.  I’m also still trying to be patient with myself.  I did suffer an injury of sorts so I should be willing to accept that it’s going to take some time to heal.

I’m really just hoping that today goes smoothly and that the weekend does as well.  No drama, no fights, no problems.  It’s probably too much to ask for, but it doesn’t hurt to hope.  I haven’t had a real borderline episode in awhile now and I’d like to keep it that way.  I’d be perfectly ok just dealing with the bipolar – I know how to manage that pretty well.  The borderline is like a whole different creature.  It comes on suddenly, lasts an indeterminate amount of time, and drains me.  I’ve told Josh before that I’m like a live hand grenade, and that’s really how I feel sometimes.  The pin has already been pulled, all it’s going to take is a slight upset to make me explode.  I hate it.  The DBT stuff I went through helps some, but it’s not a cure.  And it takes effort, real concerted effort, and there’s times I just don’t have it in me to do that kind of work.  I try, really I do.  It’s just that sometimes it’s too fucking hard.

I’m not a believer in the Christian god, but I’ve always liked the Serenity Prayer.  I actually have the word serenity tattooed on my right wrist.  It seems fitting.

god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

oh the pain

Tags

bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, death, family, goals, grief, knitting, life, love, mental illness, sleep

Had a visit with the chiropractor yesterday and now I feel worse.  Go figure.  I’m going back this afternoon.  I’ll give him 3 tries to make this better, then I’m resorting to a regular doc.  This shit sucks.

Things with Josh seem to be going pretty well.  He’s been doing a good job of taking care of me while I whimper and whine about my back.  Haven’t necessarily gotten much done since I got hurt, but I’m not too concerned about it.  All things in time.

I put up a new page, in case you didn’t notice.  It’s called Randomly Yours and it’s a big ol’ list of random shit about me.  I had something like this on one of my other blogs and really kind of enjoyed doing it, so I thought I’d do it again.  Some stuff is just too interesting to only do once.

I guess I’d have to say that I’m handling the loss of my dad pretty well.  I haven’t cried since the service and there’s been several times when I thought I might.  Like last night, I came across an old photo of him.  I just smiled and set it in a safe place for later.  I think perhaps since he was in the hospital for so long that I got used to not seeing him all the time and that made the transition easier.  Who knows.

I told Josh last night that I don’t want to do anything for my birthday but I don’t think he took me seriously.  I really just don’t see any need to do anything special for it.  Last year he sent me flowers, but I’d really rather he didn’t this year.  I just want to move on and put it past me I guess.  We’ll see what happens.

I’m starting to think that maybe I’m getting to the “normal” place again.  My sleep has pretty well returned to being decent, my appetite has come back, and my concentration is slowly getting better.  I’m giving myself one more week to be weird and then I’ll expect myself to be back to as good as I get.

I haven’t been knitting lately and it’s kind of taking a toll.  Nothing just seems all that interesting.  I still haven’t finished the scarf for the kid or touched any of the other stuff I have started.  Perhaps it’s because the weather is getting warmer and I don’t feel like having a pile of yarn in my lap, hard to say.  Maybe I’ll pick up a blackwork sampler I started last year.  I just feel like it would be a good idea to be doing something right now.  If I get really ambitious I’ll start working on the coming year’s Christmas presents.  I’ve got some ideas, just need to work them out and see if I have the right supplies on hand.  I really do enjoy making things for people.  Last year I made almost all of my gifts.

I used to do this weekly goals thing to try to keep myself organized and I’m entertaining the possibility of doing it again.  It’s kind of like a to do list, but not really.  Not sure if I should take that on again or what.  I’m all about the organization.

Today I’m wearing the outfit I had on in that picture I posted of myself, and I’m remembering why I don’t wear it very often.  The black tank is a little short and the shrug is a little itchy.  I look good though, damn good.

goodbye

Tags

death, family, grief, life, love

You died on a Wednesday.  It was sunny and pleasant for February in Nebraska.  You were alone with your wife.  It was peaceful.  You were 65 years old.

I don’t know how to tell you how much I already miss you, and how much I know I’m going to keep missing you in the days to come.  I know I said everything that I needed to the last time I saw you, it’s just that now it seems like maybe I forgot some stuff.

You were an awesome dad.  I know you never wanted us girls but you did a good job of faking it.  You went to summer camps with us, taught us how to defend ourselves, taught us how to drive, how to swear…  Anything you knew how to do, you’d show us.  I remember sitting at the kitchen table, struggling with math homework, and how patient you were in trying to explain it to me.

I’m crying now.  Feels like I could cry forever.  My doc says this is normal and that it will pass.  Liar.

You and mom were married almost 45 years.  That’s virtually unheard of anymore.  I was the only kid I knew who grew up in a normal family with both parents.  And once we settled in our house, you never moved.  Mom always said she wanted to die in that house, maybe she’ll get her wish.

You always stuck by me.  Even when everyone else gave up on me, you never did.  You were always there when I needed you.  I could not have asked for a better father.

If I could have traded places with you, I would have in a heartbeat.  You didn’t deserve to die, especially not like this.  If there’s something I could do even now to trade places and bring you back, I would happily do it.  If I had thought it would have done any good, I’d have figured out how to make a deal with the devil to trade my soul for yours.  Except I know you won’t have any dealings with the devil.  I don’t know for sure where you are right now, but I know it’s got to be somewhere good.  I hope you’re grandma and your sister, reunited at last.  I hope grandpa isn’t there.

I miss you so much Daddy.

Your memorial service is tonight.  I know I need to go, for the closure and to show respect, but I really don’t want to.  There will be people there I’d rather not deal with.  I know you understand.  I’ll go and do my best to make you proud, it’s what you would want.  But if that bitch ex-wife of Josh’s brings that brat kid to this, I’m gonna let her have it with both barrels.

I promise I’ll do my best to take care of everyone for you.  I’ll make sure that when the petites grow up they know just what a wonderful man their Papa was.  I’ll never forget you Daddy.  I love you.