how many pillows do you really need?

Tags

bipolar disorder, building a life worth living, creating myself, divorce, life, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, sleep, taking my life back, you need 5 pillows

That’s the best shot I could find of the north end of the room as it looked while Josh was here. It was cluttered, which you can’t too much see, and it was kind of one dimensional. I have since turned that into…

this. And this is much more me. It’s very organized and more streamlined. There are flowers everywhere but they don’t make it feel too busy. The colors are a little softer and it’s all very warm and cozy. I love being in this space now. And Evie Cat seems to love it, too.

Things are still going really well. I’ve lost another 1.5lbs since Friday and that really excites me. I slept good again, about the same as the night before, so I think that’s really good. And Mom and I are getting some things done we had wanted to. Maybe not the vacation I had thought I would have but it’s certainly not turning out bad at all.

wherein Mama becomes the Blue Light Special at your local K-Mart

Tags

random shit that falls out of my brain, skin conditions, stress

Alright, not much time for a post tonight but I need to get something out because some of this is really just too interesting not to share.

The nice dermatologist PA dude said a low carb diet is the way to go with this shit. If the treatment he did today works as intended I shouldn’t need to have this done again for at least 3 months, and that’s good because he used a laser instead of just a light and it really rather fucking hurts. He also said that once the openings heal he wants me to start water aerobics again because, get this, chlorine pools are like taking a bleach bath and that’s totally awesome for this particular kind of bacterial nuisance.

Anyway, it does hurt a little. It’s kind of like if you crossed getting a tattoo with getting burned by bacon grease, at the same time, and on your inner thighs. Not something I want to do again any time soon.

So tonight we did Mama’s Last Supper. That’s where I sent Josh to Culver’s for a Reuben sandwich, fries, and sweet tea made with real sugar. I’m contemplating having dessert. Because tomorrow we are back on the low carb / mushy seed breakfast bandwagon.

the best laid plans of Mama OR why Tuesday kind of sucked as bad as Monday, but maybe only on the level of sucking tadpole nuts

Tags

adventures in cooking, bipolar disorder, crochet, getting creative, getting healthy, goals, health, husbands are like large children who still don't listen, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, recipes, skin conditions, stress, stress management, the world is full of fucking idiots

Holy fucking flying squirrels, TIME OUT!

I will spare you some of the gory details because I’m polite like that, but dammit, what a day. Josh still doesn’t have everything taken care of for his pre-op crap and somehow that was my fault, even though I’ve been nagging him about it since we found out it needed to be done. Evidently I was supposed to completely plan out all of it to ensure that he got to class, got the supplies he needs for class (that place closes at 5pm and is on the other side of town), got all of his homework done on time, and got the pre-op stuff done (had to be at the doc’s office before 6pm) AND all of this had to be done this week.

Needless to say he’s at home today because the goddamn EKG didn’t go well and this way he not only gets a day off work but can do all of that other shit plus have time to fuck around. Apparently life is good when you’re an idiot.

I met with shrinky-poo yesterday and that, fortunately, went really well. I mentioned to her this glorious rash I developed after setting up the garden with Mom a few weeks ago and evidently, get this, I am ALLERGIC TO THE SUN. Long term lithium usage apparently makes you sensitive to natural sunlight so it’s likely that any time I’m outside for any length of time I’ll turn bright red, bumpy/blistery, and itch like mad. Ah yes, you’re jealous, I get it.

Last night after all the excitement I though to myself, “self, we should totally work on that crocheted vest. Fucking thing is damn near done. Let’s get on that right now!” And so I did. Then this happened…

that’s one of the “sleeves” and there is a 360 degree twist in it

that’s what it looks like all laid out; notice how incredibly ruffly the sleeve bits are? ick

and that is one of my man-hands laying on top of it to show how ridiculously too fucking big it is

I put it in time out and started working on the knit shrug instead while I decided the fate of this monstrosity. The yarn is phenomenal and it deserves to be turned into something truly lovely. So I really think that it’s going to be frogged (ripped out so that the yarn can be reused, for those of you who aren’t knitters/crocheters). Right now I just can’t hardly bear to look at it.

One of the other things I decided to do last night was try some new recipes involving chia seeds. (yes, I am 100% jumping on the healthy hipster food bandwagon and I apparently like torturing myself) I made a really good smoothie that I will absolutely make again, probably tonight. And then I decided to try this breakfast thing. Kind of like oatmeal but made with the seeds. The recipe looked easy, sounded tasty, so off I went.

fish eyes, yummy!

surely adding more milk will help, right?

the rest of that bottle of milk PLUS some frozen blueberries! surely this is all it really needs, right?

So now I’m sitting next to a bowl of what looks remarkably like fish eyes with rabbit turds floating in it, hoping like hell that the blueberries defrost and I can maybe eat this shit. The flavor isn’t bad, honestly, it’s the texture that’s a little strange. And I’m really thinking that I may need to put a safety belt on the toilet later.

One of these days I’ll learn.

what the hell man?

Tags

building a life worth living, goals, health, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, recipes, school, stress, stress management

So evidently I went and blew off my own damn drawing challenge. And no one noticed. Or gave a fuck. Hard to tell.

I’m also not making the progress that I had hoped on my 28 day challenge. I’ve made some progress, just not the kind I know I’m actually capable of. Additionally I have apparently blown off most, if not all, of my weekly goals.

In summation, I suck.

However, in my defense, Josh started back to school this week and is in class 3 nights. Like out of the house from 5pm until 10:30pm. It’s sort of glorious but it’ll take some getting used to again. Last night I drove home planning to get all kinds of shit done and when I got there the only thing that really happened was an amazing impersonation of a slug.

I’ve been trying to be a good kid, really I have. And I’ll keep trying. I get that the only person imposing any sort of strict anything on me is, well, me. And, while I haven’t necessarily completed the things I had originally set out to do, I have done some other really interesting things. Like I tried using coconut oil as an overnight conditioner on my hair. (it’s awesome) I used it to cook some shrimp to accompany an Asian coleslaw. (the oil and a little soy sauce made delicious shrimp) And I made fudge with coconut oil. (totally not sharing it, get your own, bitches)

I’ve been taking better care of my skin, and I walked 4 of the 5 days so far, and I’ve eaten mostly reasonable most of the time.

So really, not too fucking shabby.

On an only slightly unrelated note, if anyone is interested in any of the recipes I’ve mentioned or in the recipe I use for my special salt scrub to deal with rough heels, just holler.

life lessons

Tags

goals, meds, mental health, mental illness, random shit that falls out of my brain, sleep, stress

I don’t have time for a proper post because this has been less than a proper day. I woke up quite late, so late that I didn’t have time to walk. I hadn’t made coffee last night and thought I’d just stop on the way in to work but because I was running late so was Josh and then I was really late.

Note to self:  TWO Benadryl at once, though allowable per the label on the bottle, is not cool.

Anyway, I do have worthwhile shit to share, but it’s already late and I need to get back to work on my crocheted vest. And take some pills. But only one Benadryl.

Some things have to be learned the hard way…

how much crap can we shove into one post? LOADS of it!

Tags

lipton plunge, love/hate, random shit that falls out of my brain, share your world

I wouldn’t normally do this, but I have a little time right now and I want to get all of these posts in so I’m just going to do it and put them all together.

Share Your World, Week 23

For your blog do you basically use Mac or Windows applications.  What type of device laptop, desktop,tablet, phone or pad? I pretty well always use a Windows machine. At work it’s a desktop and at home it’s a laptop. I do have the WordPress app on my iPad and my phone, but I tend to only use it to check notifications. I just can’t really type worth a shit on anything that doesn’t have a keyboard big enough for both hands at once.

If you were to treat yourself to the “finer things” what would you treat yourself to? In all honesty, I have pretty simple tastes so when I feel like I need to be pampered it isn’t expensive and I tend to just go for it. My two biggest splurges most of the time are getting my hair colored/highlighted and pedicures.

Can you change a car tire? I know how to but it’s been a hell of a long time since I’ve needed to.

Love / Hate – tagged by the Indecisive Eejit

Love

1. My mom
2. Interesting jewelry
3. Nutella Pie
4. Comfortable sandals
5. Sugar skulls
6. Making things with my hands (drawing, knitting, crocheting, Legos, making jewelry)
7. Warren Zevon
8. Coconut oil (as a moisturizer)
9. Learning new things
10. Lilacs

Hate

1. People who think it’s any of their business whether another person prefers to have an appropriate intimate relationship with someone of the same gender
2. Lima beans
3. People who think it’s ok to abuse other people, children, or animals
4. People who litter. If you’re going to smoke in your car buy a fucking ashtray and then use it.
5. People who prefer to pass the buck rather than assume personal responsibility when they know damn good and well it’s their own fucking fault.
6. The smell of Josh’s coffee when it’s brewing. Smells like rabbit shit.
7. How trashed sandals seem to make my heels
8. Feeling helpless
9. People who discount how much of a struggle living with a mental illness really is
10. My first ex-husband

The Lipton Plunge, taken from Their Own Manner of Devotion

What is your favorite word? Fuck
What is your least favorite word? Retarded
What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? I find inspiration almost everywhere. Interesting use of color, shape, juxtaposition. Spiritually I find that being open to new ideas about the cosmos and what’s shaped it are quite appealing. Emotionally I look for people who aren’t afraid or ashamed to express their emotions but aren’t overly aggressive either.
What turns you off? Aggression, abuse of any kind, people who are convinced they’re right even when faced with evidence that proves them wrong, and people who are rude.
What is your favorite curse word? Fuck
What sound or noise do you love? My nieces laughing
What sound or noise do you hate? Angry yelling
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? I think maybe website designer. Right now I know just enough to be dangerous, but I would definitely like to learn more.
What profession would you not like to do? Anything in the medical profession. I don’t have the right temperament for it, though I have a ton of admiration for those who do.
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? “You never did pay attention, Erin. The bus to Hell is over there. Your friends are waiting.”

relationship advice with Mama

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, random shit that falls out of my brain, relationships

I’m 39 years old and I’m on husband #3. Sadly, none of them are below ground yet, at least I don’t think so. No really, the only one who deserves that is Michael. He was an asshole and then some.

I honestly don’t remember. It was a very long time ago now. We married when I was 18 and signed the divorce papers on my 21st birthday. Good riddance.

My second was Rob. We married when I was 22 and stopped living together when I was 32. Our divorce was final when I was 34, if memory serves. He was a good guy. He took care of me and helped me hide my massive mental issues from the world. I was just a total fucking train wreck.

Oh sweet jesus, was I ever. I cheated on him – twice. I got us close to $50k in debt – just with shopping. I was as terrible a woman as you can get. But he got back at me. Anyway, then I moved on to Josh.

We met when I was 34 and married when I was 35.

What a catch…

He’s not every gal’s cup of tea, but he suits my taste just fine. Most of the time.

Actually it’s usually me doing the farting, but he doesn’t seem to care. That’s part of a healthy relationship – pick your battles. If the farting doesn’t bother you, awesome, make a stand on something else, like being alcoholic.

Ice cream always helps, ALWAYS. Although honestly, show up earlier than that, for fuck sake – I’m asleep at 3am.

If you really want Mama’s advice, here it is…

Do NOT marry the one you can live with. There are lots of fools I could live with if I had to. Marry the one you CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT. Think about it for a minute – who is that one person that feels like so much a part of your soul that you wouldn’t know what to do without them? That person you think of when you first wake up and the last one you think about before falling asleep? THAT is the person you should marry.

And that’s what has saved Josh’s sorry ass on numerous occasions – I still can’t completely imagine what my life would look like, for better or for worse, without him in it. I’m kind of an idiot, what can I say?

it really should be “CDO” cuz that’s alphabetical, yo

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, getting healthy, goals, health, life, limits, motivation, random shit that falls out of my brain, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

Much as I feared, I’m having one of those weeks. Yes, I know it’s only Tuesday. It can only get worse, right?

I found out this morning that there are NINETY-TWO people signed up for my presentation on Thursday. That was enough to totally shake me until Rhio mentioned that she’s got 300 for hers. She wins, hands down. And I know she’ll do fine, she’s awesome like that. But me? I’m me, and me is not always so awesome. Take tin foil, for example. Where shall we take the tin foil? Anywhere, just away from me. Fucking shit hates me.

I got my new Fitbit thingy yesterday, which is good I guess. I’m still getting used to wearing it. I haven’t worn any type of bracelet in ages. And since you’re supposed to sleep with it on if you want to track your sleep, which is half the reason I bought the damn thing, I’m trying to get used to that. But so far it seems to work and it is motivating me to walk more. Odd that, but I’ll take it.

The healthier eating stuff is going fairly well. Lots more salads, lots of fresh fruit, I’ve been drinking water instead of tea all the time, and a lot more protein.

I’ve been stocking up when raspberries and other delicate bits are on sale and freezing it myself as it’s SO much cheaper.

I’ve been trying to find healthier things for all the meals and stuff I eat at work. I did master the art of smoothie making with the Nutri Ninja we have there (big reason for 5 containers of frozen raspberries) and how best to pack a salad that will not only fill me up but also still taste worth eating by the time I get to it. (having a fridge in my office helps a TON!) And tonight I made one of my all-time favorite Pinterest recipe finds…

3 ingredient energy bites!

Yeah, I know, they look like cat shit. You’ll just have to take my word for how yummy they are, that or make a batch for yourself. They are super easy. In a food processor you combine 1C of nuts (I use almonds), 1C of dried fruit (I use cherries), and 1C of pitted dates. Process until it forms a sticky sort of dough. The original instructions called for flattening it and then cutting it into bars but I’m partial to these little balls, you go ahead and make yours however you want. They don’t require refrigeration, but they are tasty cold.

Energy is something I’m lacking right now, though Mom tells me that’s entirely typical when making these sorts of eating changes. My body doesn’t have all that extra fat and sugar to play with so I’m a little more tired than I used to be. She’s reassured me that this will get better.

Anyway, that’s mostly been me lately. Tonight I’m debating finishing my illuminated letter or working on a new construction kit.

why I’m not allowed to go to Barnes & Noble (this wasn’t even all of it)

super / suck

Tags

bipolar disorder, getting creative, mental health, mental illness, motivation, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, stress, work

Last night was good. I got home, took care of my usual “prep for the next day” garbage, started cleaning up some of my boards on Pinterest, and printed some ideas for projects I wanted to make. I did that because I figured I could still be working on things past my self-imposed “no computer” curfew. I’m smart every now and then.

That is a pair of earrings I made. Not exactly what I was going for, but they worked. I also got the outline for an interesting new drawing done and I finished another knit washcloth I had started over the week. Much progress, me likey.

This morning I got to work and started in on my normal ass-kicking routine. Things were going fine until one of the large muscles in my back decided to spasm. I do travel with extra drugs including some muscle relaxers. I took one, asked one of my pals for some Biofreeze, and then channeled my inner sloth. Damn near nothing was done the remainder of the day.

So now the drugs have worn off and it’s time to get back to doing stuff. I made myself a new banner with one of the tulip pics from the trip, I’ve done the “prep for tomorrow” stuff, and I’m getting ready to start working on some sort of project. I think.

Anyway, shit is pretty random around here right now. There’s still a ton to get done at work but I refuse to bring it home with me. I’ve earned the right to my evenings off and by christ I’m going to take them.

flowers!

Tags

family, getting creative, kids, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain

It’s been rather ridiculously busy around here lately. The weekend was spent running errands, having the garage re-insulated, and doing a bit of gardening. Today I spent hanging out with my nieces. The elder niece had a day off school and my mom had to take the younger one to a concert. Enter Aunt Erin. We had a great time. E is a natural born shopper, just like her auntie. But otherwise, I don’t have much to share, and less time to share it. So here are some photos of flowers I’ve been taking lately.

small piece of the big flower bed in the backyard

Some of these are from our yard and some from my sister’s yard. I’m thinking I’ll upload at least a few to Redbubble, and possibly one of them will become a new banner for the blog.