quickie update

Tags

divorce, getting healthy, goals, health, life, limits, love, moods, motivation, not gonna go there anymore, recipes, smoothie recipe, stress

Josh has known about this blog for a very long time but, I had thought, didn’t read it unless I asked him to. Apparently since I kicked him out he’s been reading. Last night I got a super nasty little text from him about some things I said in last night’s post. (immediately after one where he sent me a text kiss) Anyway, because of that there will be no more talk of him. No sense adding fuel to the fire.

Moving on…

Day three of getting up and on the treadmill and I’m drinking a healthy little smoothie for breakfast. Here’s my standard recipe:

• 1 C frozen fruit
• 1 single serving container of yogurt, I tend to go for either Greek or low carb in a flavor that goes well with the fruit
• 1 C lowfat milk, you could use a non-dairy milk if you prefer

Toss all of that in a blender and kill it. This makes the perfect size serving for me and in this terrible heat we’re having right now it’s a lovely light way to start the day.

What’s your favorite quick healthy breakfast?

 

the (viscous and entirely rotten) cycle of mental health from the viewpoint of someone with bipolar and borderline

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, getting healthy, health, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress, stress management

Wow, doesn’t life just suck some turds sometimes? Honestly, things were going great in my little world and then BAM! All of a sudden I’ve quit smoking, the diet is really changing, and the old man may or may not have a serious heart condition. I feel little like I’ve been handled in a way which is sexually inappropriate and A) not offered adequate lubrication, and B) not been kissed afterwards.

This SUCKS.

And because my stress levels have rocketed through the ever-loving roof, my skin condition is flaring up. And my neck/shoulder muscles are tight again. And this afternoon my irritable bowels decided to be irritable.

Come on man, now this shit REALLY SUCKS.

But it’s like that for those of us living with a mental health condition. What effects our physical health will end up effecting our mental health, and the other way ’round. It’s like a two-fer that NO ONE WANTS. Or a buy one, get one sale on second-hand toothbrushes. Or… (insert your own icky metaphor here, and share in the comments please)

For me it’s all too easy to let the cycle get entirely out of control. Take for example this fine shitstain of a week. I haven’t walked yet at all. Not once. And the less I walk the harder it is to sleep. The harder it is to sleep, the harder it is to get up early enough to walk. You feel me, right? Dig it.

So the cycle has to stop, and I have to be the one to do it. Tomorrow morning, no matter how much I don’t want to or I hurt or I’m tired, I will be getting my fat little ass on that treadmill. (after I weigh myself) If I don’t, then the skin condition bullshit and the stress and the mental stuff, it all wins. And I am not spending my time on this little blue ball letting something other than me determine what wins.

apparently I am truly not alone

Tags

getting healthy

Yesterday’s post garnered quite a bit of attention. Evidently I’m really not the only one who’s struggling with the losing weight/how to eat healthier thing. (no shit Sherlock!) So I’m thinking we start our own online support system.

My ultimate goal is to establish healthier eating habits and daily routines that will result in slow and steady weight loss and lead to overall better health. To that end I’ll be continuing to walk on the treadmill, use my Fitbit to track activity, and I’m aiming for pool time soon. On the diet front my goal is to lower my carb intake pretty drastically but not cut them out completely. I love my fruit and veg too much to give it all up completely.

I will happily share whatever tips and tricks I stumble across along the way, along with interesting recipes.

Should we name this? Do we need a special tag? Should we post progress updates or is that not a good idea?

I have no clue about this stuff so I need your input.

the best laid plans of Mama OR why Tuesday kind of sucked as bad as Monday, but maybe only on the level of sucking tadpole nuts

Tags

adventures in cooking, bipolar disorder, crochet, getting creative, getting healthy, goals, health, husbands are like large children who still don't listen, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, recipes, skin conditions, stress, stress management, the world is full of fucking idiots

Holy fucking flying squirrels, TIME OUT!

I will spare you some of the gory details because I’m polite like that, but dammit, what a day. Josh still doesn’t have everything taken care of for his pre-op crap and somehow that was my fault, even though I’ve been nagging him about it since we found out it needed to be done. Evidently I was supposed to completely plan out all of it to ensure that he got to class, got the supplies he needs for class (that place closes at 5pm and is on the other side of town), got all of his homework done on time, and got the pre-op stuff done (had to be at the doc’s office before 6pm) AND all of this had to be done this week.

Needless to say he’s at home today because the goddamn EKG didn’t go well and this way he not only gets a day off work but can do all of that other shit plus have time to fuck around. Apparently life is good when you’re an idiot.

I met with shrinky-poo yesterday and that, fortunately, went really well. I mentioned to her this glorious rash I developed after setting up the garden with Mom a few weeks ago and evidently, get this, I am ALLERGIC TO THE SUN. Long term lithium usage apparently makes you sensitive to natural sunlight so it’s likely that any time I’m outside for any length of time I’ll turn bright red, bumpy/blistery, and itch like mad. Ah yes, you’re jealous, I get it.

Last night after all the excitement I though to myself, “self, we should totally work on that crocheted vest. Fucking thing is damn near done. Let’s get on that right now!” And so I did. Then this happened…

that’s one of the “sleeves” and there is a 360 degree twist in it

that’s what it looks like all laid out; notice how incredibly ruffly the sleeve bits are? ick

and that is one of my man-hands laying on top of it to show how ridiculously too fucking big it is

I put it in time out and started working on the knit shrug instead while I decided the fate of this monstrosity. The yarn is phenomenal and it deserves to be turned into something truly lovely. So I really think that it’s going to be frogged (ripped out so that the yarn can be reused, for those of you who aren’t knitters/crocheters). Right now I just can’t hardly bear to look at it.

One of the other things I decided to do last night was try some new recipes involving chia seeds. (yes, I am 100% jumping on the healthy hipster food bandwagon and I apparently like torturing myself) I made a really good smoothie that I will absolutely make again, probably tonight. And then I decided to try this breakfast thing. Kind of like oatmeal but made with the seeds. The recipe looked easy, sounded tasty, so off I went.

fish eyes, yummy!

surely adding more milk will help, right?

the rest of that bottle of milk PLUS some frozen blueberries! surely this is all it really needs, right?

So now I’m sitting next to a bowl of what looks remarkably like fish eyes with rabbit turds floating in it, hoping like hell that the blueberries defrost and I can maybe eat this shit. The flavor isn’t bad, honestly, it’s the texture that’s a little strange. And I’m really thinking that I may need to put a safety belt on the toilet later.

One of these days I’ll learn.

going the distance

Tags

anxiety, average speed, baby steps, bipolar disorder, depression, forming healthy habits, getting creative, getting healthy, hypomania, knitting, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sleep, slow and steady wins the race, stress, stress management

this is a tiny stretch this week, maybe? just hang with me

My friend Wendy sent me a link to this article the other day that talks about getting shit done. It’s a great article and you should totally read it. If you’re lazy, I will summarize.

Are you familiar with the fable about the Tortoise and the Hare? The hare is a big ol’ smack-talking fool who just knows that he can beat the tortoise because, well, tortoise. But the tortoise takes his time and just keeps on trucking and ends up beating the hare by keeping to his slow but steady pace. The idea behind “average speed” is pretty similar. Sure it’s great to make an all out push to do a lot of something all at once or do it harder/faster/whatever than other people. But if you can’t maintain that pace then what good is it?

James, the author, says that committing to a more normal pace that you can sustain for a longer haul actually produces greater results because you get a little something done on a much more consistent basis.

Consistency kids, that’s where it’s at. Slow and steady.

So you do something, say exercising, and right now you do ok with doing it once a week. James suggests that you try “graduating” up to twice a week. Once that becomes easy and routine, graduate up to three times, and so on. Again, it’s about establishing consistent habits that you can maintain on a regular basis. And being gentle with yourself when you have an off day. (LOVE that he includes that!)

Now, how does this apply to mental health? I can think of LOTS of ways…

• Perhaps you are not always so consistent with going to bed at a time that allows you to get the amount of sleep your body prefers. Start with a plan to stick to your bedtime two nights a week and graduate yourself up from there. (I tend not to be so careful on Friday and Saturday nights, but deviating even then can cause problems for me. Know your body and what it needs for sleep and then adjust accordingly.)
• Perhaps you are feeling overwhelmed by the physical stuff in your home and this is causing anxiety. Make a plan to spend to spend 10 minutes three times a week to work on an area. Set a timer if you want to. You can continue doing this until you no longer feel the anxiety (because enough stuff is gone) or you can graduate to longer periods of time or more of them.
• Perhaps your mental health care provider (and maybe general practitioner) is recommending exercise as a way to help with anxiety or other health issues. Start with a specific amount of time, maybe 15 minutes, or if you’re into the Fitbit thing you can set a goal for yourself of a specific number of steps every day. As that becomes easy, graduate up to more.
• Perhaps you, like me, have Bipolar Disorder and miss the creative bursts that often accompany mania. (trust me, that is the ONLY good thing about that demon) So work on developing a habit of creativity that you can call on anytime. Pick your outlet (drawing, painting, knitting, writing, cooking, playing a musical instrument, making jewelry…) and set aside 10 minutes every day to do it. You could pick small projects to work on like just doodling, a pair of earrings, a portion of a scarf, learning a new chord on the guitar, the thing isn’t the important part of this. The act of setting aside the time to let your brain purposely be creative is what’s creative. In my experience, the more you tap into it with purpose the easier it gets.

Part of what appeals to me so much about this whole idea is the routine and consistency. For me to get something important done it really has to be a part of my day to day life. I don’t typically have to do a big whonking chunk at once to feel successful so long as I do a little every day. It really is like the my friend WeeGee says,

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

 

I have survived (so far)

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, crochet, getting creative, getting healthy, health, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress

Here’s an update on the week that isn’t exactly the weekly goals update…

Since last Friday Josh has seen the GP 6 times (including today). The infection still isn’t really clearing up like it should be. Now you can actually feel the tunnel that runs beneath the skin and links the two sites. It’s disgusting to say the least. All of the stress from this has been causing difficulties between us that finally came to a head last night. In retrospect I feel like I handled things pretty well. I smoked a little, walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes, and just focused on taking care of me for a little while. Things are, for now, better.

I was off work at 10am yesterday and make really good use of my time. Mom and I got a bunch of stuff loaded in my jeep and hauled it to Goodwill, had lunch, made grocery lists, ran to Kohl’s, and went to two grocery stores. I got two of the bathrooms cleaned, all of my laundry done including the bedding, cleaned out my backpack, organized the linen cupboard in the upstairs bathroom, filled all 3 of my pill trays for the week, and had time to spend on my butt on the sofa crocheting in front of the new TV. Not a bad day at all.

Yesterday I walked 4.18 miles which is 9,711 steps. And no, not all of that was from the treadmill. A significant portion had to do with going to 3 stores and walking up and down all the steps in this joint while cleaning yesterday. But I must say, I love the Fitbit. Oh, and I lost another 1.5lbs. So yay.

Amazingly enough there’s still a ton to do. I hope y’all are having a good weekend and are enjoying whatever you’re doing to relax.

Love, Mama

it really should be “CDO” cuz that’s alphabetical, yo

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, getting healthy, goals, health, life, limits, motivation, random shit that falls out of my brain, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

Much as I feared, I’m having one of those weeks. Yes, I know it’s only Tuesday. It can only get worse, right?

I found out this morning that there are NINETY-TWO people signed up for my presentation on Thursday. That was enough to totally shake me until Rhio mentioned that she’s got 300 for hers. She wins, hands down. And I know she’ll do fine, she’s awesome like that. But me? I’m me, and me is not always so awesome. Take tin foil, for example. Where shall we take the tin foil? Anywhere, just away from me. Fucking shit hates me.

I got my new Fitbit thingy yesterday, which is good I guess. I’m still getting used to wearing it. I haven’t worn any type of bracelet in ages. And since you’re supposed to sleep with it on if you want to track your sleep, which is half the reason I bought the damn thing, I’m trying to get used to that. But so far it seems to work and it is motivating me to walk more. Odd that, but I’ll take it.

The healthier eating stuff is going fairly well. Lots more salads, lots of fresh fruit, I’ve been drinking water instead of tea all the time, and a lot more protein.

I’ve been stocking up when raspberries and other delicate bits are on sale and freezing it myself as it’s SO much cheaper.

I’ve been trying to find healthier things for all the meals and stuff I eat at work. I did master the art of smoothie making with the Nutri Ninja we have there (big reason for 5 containers of frozen raspberries) and how best to pack a salad that will not only fill me up but also still taste worth eating by the time I get to it. (having a fridge in my office helps a TON!) And tonight I made one of my all-time favorite Pinterest recipe finds…

3 ingredient energy bites!

Yeah, I know, they look like cat shit. You’ll just have to take my word for how yummy they are, that or make a batch for yourself. They are super easy. In a food processor you combine 1C of nuts (I use almonds), 1C of dried fruit (I use cherries), and 1C of pitted dates. Process until it forms a sticky sort of dough. The original instructions called for flattening it and then cutting it into bars but I’m partial to these little balls, you go ahead and make yours however you want. They don’t require refrigeration, but they are tasty cold.

Energy is something I’m lacking right now, though Mom tells me that’s entirely typical when making these sorts of eating changes. My body doesn’t have all that extra fat and sugar to play with so I’m a little more tired than I used to be. She’s reassured me that this will get better.

Anyway, that’s mostly been me lately. Tonight I’m debating finishing my illuminated letter or working on a new construction kit.

why I’m not allowed to go to Barnes & Noble (this wasn’t even all of it)

are you fucking kidding me?

Tags

anxiety, getting healthy, goals, school, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

Sorry y’all, Mama needs to bitch…

I’m taking yet another class with a woman who is, in my opinion, one of the worst instructors on the whole fucking planet. She’s got no business teaching in a classroom, let alone online. The assignment I turned in the second week got no points because she didn’t like it. So I get to re-write it. Because I didn’t have anything better to do. And the discussion boards are supposed to open on Monday so that we can start posting, but it didn’t this week so I got to call her out on it. Yay. The only good news is that this is my last class with her. Everything else for this degree should be with other professors.

My skin is up to its usual tricks, which is just super. I hurt in places you just really shouldn’t hurt. I’ve got to find something to do to get rid of this bullshit.

I’m still not ready for a class I teach next Wednesday. I’m hoping I’ll get some time this afternoon while I’m camped out in the other office. Something has to go right with this day, right?

In happier news, I did work some on my goals yesterday. I think I got the brainstorming for the long-term creative project done. I also spent some time with a drawing, though I’m not sure I really like it. Didn’t go anywhere so I didn’t spend any money, I did work on my homework and this morning was able to turn in the first piece for this week 2 days early. And I walked on the treadmill, showered/brushed 2x/flossed, logged all my food, and was under my allotted calories.

building rome / building a life worth living update

Tags

building a life worth living, building rome, getting healthy, goals, money, projects

Welcome to the weekly installment of Mama’s Building Rome / Building a Life Worth Living. If you’re just joining me for the first time, I’ve got a list of 10 Major Goals I want to accomplish before I turn 40 in 2016. That’s what I refer to as my Life Worth Living; it’s a DBT thing. If you don’t want to stay stuck where you’ve been in life, you have to figure out where you want to go and what it would take to truly make your life worth living.

To get there, I’m using the Building Rome setup from Green Embers to break those major goals into smaller, more manageable pieces that I tackle on a weekly basis. Every week I do a Creative, Stress Management, Health, Financial, and School goal that tie back to my personal Building a Life Worth Living project.

From last week:

Creative – Finish the knitting project I started a few weeks ago.

I wasn’t able to finish, but I made really good progress. I thought about trying to push myself to finish last night, but then I decided that I’d spend a little time on a totally different creative project.

That’s a nanoblock dragonfly. One hundred and forty pieces and he’s roughly 6″ long. The wings actually move. Took me a little better than an hour.

Stress Management – Make myself some new CDs for in the car and listen to music at home when appropriate.

Done! I made 5 new CDs and now the little holder I keep them in is full, plus one.

Health – Continue the daily showering/brushing/flossing stuff AND start keeping track of my food intake, as per shrinky-poo.

The showering/brushing/flossing bit was just fine. I even added in brushing every night. I started doing good keeping track of my food intake, and then on Friday I got frustrated and murdered an entire bag of innocent peanut butter M&Ms and said fuck it to the whole works.

Financial – I’ve decided (with some encouragement) to open a Red Bubble store. I’ve got all of my drawings scanned, I just need to upload them, decide what stuff they’d be appropriate on, and write descriptions. That needs to get done this week. This would potentially take care of the goal to bring in additional income.

There are 10 designs in my store and they’re actually being viewed.

School – Get the book finished, get my assignments done early and do them properly; work ahead if possible.

Done! I got the two assignments for the week done and turned in on Wednesday. (one was due Thursday and the other on Sunday) AND, I was able to work ahead which is a total bonus.

For the coming week:

Creative – Brainstorm ideas for my “big creative project” goal and try to settle on one so that I can start planning. So far I’ve got 2 possibilities, learning to silversmith and a filet knitting piece. The silversmithing I’ve never done, but there’s a class offered at the community college. My best guess is that will run me about $200. The filet knitting piece looks really neat, but quite daunting. It’s done with laceweight yarn on small needles and doesn’t include a chart to reference, just written directions.

If any of you have suggestions for something that might fit, I’d love to hear your ideas. The exact goal is “Plan a long term creative project that incorporates a new skill or a skill I haven’t perfected yet. Start the project and finish it before my 40th birthday.”

Stress Management – Walk on the treadmill at least 15 minutes on Monday and Wednesday before dinner.

Health – Keep up with the shower/brushing & flossing teeth, and tracking food via the app. Work to keep my number of calories for the day at or under my recommended limit, which means making smarter food/drink choices. (I’m using a free app for my Droid called My Fitness Pal, if anyone is interested. The best part is that it has a barcode scanner.)

Financial – Don’t spend money except for Rxs or necessary groceries.

School – Turn assignments in early. Make a plan for working ahead again.

Bonus Goal – The theme for this week is Love, so I’m going to see if I can’t find a way to spread a little extra love to those around me.

startling revelation

Tags

Evie Cat, family, getting healthy, life, losing weight, random shit that falls out of my brain, the world is full of fucking idiots

At the end of my second full day logging my food, I’ve come to a very startling realization.

I’m fat because I eat too fucking much food.

Who knew?

On the plus side, I’m getting high off Sharpie fumes from the 5 new CDs I just finished to put in the car. Very shortly I’m not going to give a shit about anything.

But the new comforter for the bed arrived and yesterday Mom brought home some new treasures that she rescued from my sister’s trash can, namely a very lovely mirror for my office, a large print of an orchid plant that I hung in the basement bathroom (nothing says class like orchids in a bathroom with a bare concrete floor AND a litter box), several new throw rugs for the bathrooms (which are damn near new), and a beautiful HUGE Longaberger basket. (closest I can find to it is this, but this fucker has a solid wood lid and might be bigger) She had just chucked all of that stuff into the trash because she was tired of it. So Mom rescued it, I kept those bits, and there’s still more that I didn’t want that’s going to Goodwill when I make my drop off later this week.

Anyway, I’ll pop back in tomorrow with pictures. The living space is coming together nicely and Evie seems to love the new bedding.