Mental in the Midwest

Monthly Archives: August 2013

vacation in 3, 2, 1…

29 Thursday Aug 2013

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

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limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, school, sick, sleep, stress, work

I’ve taken tomorrow off work to get a few things done and try to relax.  Mom and I are going to go to the DMV and get the Jeep titled in my name and I need to pay the taxes on it.  I’m seeing shrinky-poo and getting my hair done.  Sounds like Josh and I might go for a date.  Should be good.  Josh found out about it and was actually very supportive – he told me that I need and deserve a day off.  Things have been better with him.

Work has been pretty crazy busy this week since it’s the start of the semester.  I still haven’t decided what to do about the class.  The professor is being very understanding and told me I have a little time to decide.  Part of it will depend on how it goes with shrinky-poo tomorrow.

Sorry I’ve been so hit and miss lately.  The heat is causing my body to do icky things and that just totally wears me out.  Hopefully I’ll have some time over the long holiday weekend to catch you up with a proper update.  For now I’ll leave you with this tidbit – my sister got the girls new juice boxes and the little one was having one yesterday.  My mom asked her how it was and she replied “tastes like ass.”  Love that kid.

brief update

27 Tuesday Aug 2013

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, school, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

I got to thinking yesterday afternoon and realized that the last thing I need right now – given the continuing shitty sleep situation – is one more thing to further fuck with that.  So I emailed my professor, told her I’m having some trouble right now and that I might have to just drop the class – but at any rate, I wasn’t going to make it last night.  I want this degree, but it’s not worth putting myself in the hospital for.

When I got home Josh and I talked, I guess you can call it that anyway.  Things so far today have been better, but it’s becoming really obvious that all he wants to do is walk all over me.  Grainne was right I think – he really just wants me to be his mother.

Anyway, we’re having even hotter than usual weather right now.  It’s so bad that Josh’s job has adjusted their hours to get them off work earlier and out of the heat sooner.  I’m getting a VERY regular report of how hot it is in there.  And I’m getting tired of saying “sorry” for something I clearly have no control over.

 

a dose of “truth”

26 Monday Aug 2013

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

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anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, sex, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

According to Josh, I’m hateful.  I’ve been hateful all summer.  I don’t know what it means to be nice to him.  I wake up pissed off and I stay that way until I go to sleep.  I talk about my mental illnesses and my feelings entirely too often.  There’s really nothing redeeming about me at all according to him.

Let’s ignore the fact that my sleep got messed up when I took that class and that, really, it’s still messed up.  Let’s ignore the fact that the basement, where I live, flooded – twice – and that the renovations took the better part of 2 months.  Let’s ignore the fact that since somewhere near the start of the summer he’s dropped $20k worth of old tax debt on me.  Let’s ignore the fact that he bitched and moaned non-stop about his classes, to the point where he for sure failed the one and quite possibly the other.  Let’s ignore the fact that he doesn’t pay enough attention to his school stuff that he didn’t apply for financial aid again when he needed to and now he’s going to have to come up with $504 for summer tuition – for classes he didn’t pass.

Yes, let’s ignore all of that and just say that I’m a hateful cunt of a bitch.  Let’s.

Today is the first day of the semester and the first time in 2 weeks that I’ve been back in my regular office.  Every single one of our mission critical systems has gone down today – at the same time.  It’s supposed to get up to 98 degrees today.  Tonight is my first class.  My neck is still quite sore.

But by all means, let me just shut the fuck up and be chipper because, really, that’s what you’d like – me to just paste on a fake smile, listen to your drivel, and let you fuck me whenever you feel like it.  That’s what a good wife would do.

no rest for the wicked, and apparently I am VERY wicked

26 Monday Aug 2013

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, kids, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

Josh had the audacity this morning to tell me that he feels very well rested after the weekend.  Right, because I’m the one who ran the errands and did the chores and took care of the fucking kid.  Yes, I would expect your fat lazy ass to be very well rested.

I’m just kind of feeling like I’m done with everything.  The last two weeks at work totally burned me out.  I’m taking Friday off work to try to relax, but even at that there’s still stuff I’ll have to do.  I just don’t ever get down time anymore.  When I saw the doctor earlier this month he told me I really need to start trying to get at least an hour a day to relax.  I’d love to, but I really don’t see how that’s ever going to happen.  There’s chores to do, lunches and coffee to make, I have to pretty well constantly pick up after Josh, the cats haven’t figured out how to shit on the toilet so there’s litter boxes to clean…

Josh doesn’t get it.  Pretty sure he doesn’t care.  And quite frankly, I’m to the point where I just don’t give a fuck about him.  The brat admitted this weekend that she only really comes over to see me.  And I don’t even really like her.

Sorry kids, I’ve got a bad attitude right now and I’m no damn fun to be around.  My neck has seized up on the right side and my tummy is up to its usual tricks.  Evie Cat bit me in the armpit Saturday morning because I wasn’t petting her and I was a little aggressive with her.  She’s fine, I just feel bad that I lost control of my temper.

ETA:  Just saw pictures of the brat on Facebook.  She starts school today.  She’s got a mohawk.  She’s 10.  Given that her mother seems way more interested in being her friend than her mom, I’m guessing Josh will have his first grandchild before he turns 50.

wow, really?

21 Wednesday Aug 2013

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

anxiety, life, limits, stress, work

8 days with no lunch break

8 days in the “other” office where I don’t have my usual resources or snacks

8 days of being “point” for damn near everything

and a boss who is allegedly worried about me burning out…  kids, there is no “burning” at this point – I’m well past that stage…

there have been a few good things, but I’d like to elaborate and right now I don’t have time

I’m trying to read your posts as I can, which can be done more easily on the phone while smoking.  Just too hard to tap out a post on that tiny fucking screen.  Know I miss you and love you and can’t wait until I have a solid 15 minutes to myself.  Hopefully it’s coming soon.

How much can we cram in today?

17 Saturday Aug 2013

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

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image

Mom and I are at the nail salon. Those are my beautiful toes. Already been to the farmer’s market. Still on the list is going to a specialty spice store, buying me a new mattress, and.. Fuck, I cant remember now. Should be an awesome day. Back with a longer post when I dont have to peck this out on a tiny phone screen.

it’s the least I can do

16 Friday Aug 2013

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

No, really – this about it, I ain’t got anything left to give.  Today has been even more of a challenge than yesterday.  And, since today is Mom’s birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!), my sister wants us to come over for dinner tonight.  And, our roof is being replaced today and one of the fuckers up there put his goddamn foot though so I came home to a glorious mess spread over 3 flights of steps.  AND, Evie Cat just puked at my feet.  Fuck.

Here, this is all I got left…

It’s been an unbelievably weird week. My calendar at work has most closely resembled a bad game of Tetris. I’ve met some amazing new people on campus and reunited with some old pals. I’ve done Wonder Woman quantity and quality work. I haven’t relied on any extra meds, haven’t lost my cool, and haven’t felt the need to invent any new swear words. I’ve been put the test and I really feel like I’ve passed.

Now, for fuck sake, will someone please help me figure out what flavor of hot wings god prefers as a sacrifice? I cannot handle this shit again next week.

Apologies to the (very) few of you who might have also caught that on Facebook.  Catch y’all when I can, I gotta go clean up the puke.

prison orange would not look good on me

15 Thursday Aug 2013

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

K is back, YAY!  I got to bitch with her this morning for a few brief minutes, which helped immensely.  I told her about how things have been going and she was appalled.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a tad bit better and next week…  well, who the fuck knows about next week.

Today was literally wall to wall bullshit.  My boss had sent me a shitty email after I left for my doctor’s appointment about something that “really needs to be done.”  I wrote back and told her I’d get right on it, by the way have you looked at my calendar and seen how many appointments I had yesterday?  No?  Didn’t think so.  The class went from 9 – 11, J had scheduled a meeting from 11 – 12 (which meant I got to eat lunch during the meeting), then I had a faculty come in from noon – 1:30 for help, short break to talk to K and smoke while talking to my mom, then another faculty from 2 – 3:30.  (when everyone was leaving after the meeting my boss made sure that we all knew just how much better she felt after having gotten a massage from the mobile massage gal that comes in every Thursday)  At 3:30 I left.

So I saw the doc yesterday.  I was telling the nurse about all of the shit that was yesterday while she was taking my blood pressure.  She gave me a funny look and asked me what my blood pressure normally is.  I told her I run pretty true to 120/80.  She was amazed – that was precisely what it was.  She just couldn’t believe that anyone who had just finished such a fucked up day could have such awesome BP.  Anyway, the doc came in and we talked.  All of my blood work was fine and my estrogen levels are right where they should be for a woman my age.  His theory is that the lack of sex drive is just too much stress, which makes perfect sense.  We had a great conversation.  So, aside from being 3ft under tall, I’m in perfect health.

Talked to Josh when I got home about some things he can do to try getting me interested and he said he would try.  He did, we did, it was pretty good.

I’m still just tired.  I can feel it in my bones now.  I’m barely getting enough time during my 9 hour work day to get all of my work accomplished, and I’m here to tell you it ain’t for lack of trying.  What it comes down to is that I’m only one woman and there’s only so much of me to go around.  I told my boss today that my primary focus right now is on taking care of the people who come to these classes, walk through my door, and call that phone number – that is it.  Everything else is entirely secondary as far as I’m concerned.

Here’s an example of how bad it’s getting – I spend less than 45 minutes a day on my commute, both ways, and during that time I smoke 4 cigarettes.  During the NINE HOURS I was at work today I only managed to smoke 3.  When I’m in my regular office and not doing this shit, I smoke – on average – once every 60 to 75 minutes and I take a restroom break at the same time.  The only restroom breaks I got today coincided with those smoke breaks.  I managed to eat the blueberry danish and drink the milk I got at the gas station at 7 this morning, ate a little bruschetta and crostini at lunch, and had one snack size candy bar.

But damn is it a good thing my boss had time to get that massage.

not dead YET

14 Wednesday Aug 2013

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

limits, mental health, mental illness, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

Crazy does not even BEGIN to cover this shit right now.  K is still sick, T is an even bigger dipshit than previously expected, and Josh is still, well, he’s an asshole.  This is by far the most unpleasant August ever and it’s not quite half over yet.  Work is ridiculous with a few bright spots and it’s only those bright spots that keep me going during the day hours.  Mom and the fluffs keep me going at night.  (except when they shit on things)

I’m alive, I’m taking my meds, I haven’t hurt anyone YET, and I’m doing my level best to keep my head above water.  It’s actually a lot easier to me to keep up with y’all right now because I can read your posts on my phone while I’m smoking.  Ah yes, the multitasking – it’s the only thing getting me through right now.  I’ll try to be back with something more meaningful soon.  For now know that I love you all and that your kind words are helping keep me afloat.

tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

12 Monday Aug 2013

Posted by Kat in Uncategorized

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bipolar disorder, divorce, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, sex, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

God, I don’t even know where to begin.  My brain is such a jumbled mass of shit right now I can’t even hardly sort it out.

Josh insisted – starting on Thursday – that he’d get all of his homework, for both classes, done by the end of Saturday so that we’d have all day Sunday together to relax and hangout.  I asked him just how much that was going to involve and then promptly told him he was fucking nuts.

Friday was an unmitigated disaster here.  The phone call at 9 was terrible – the woman wanted to make interactive learning tools entirely non-interactive.  And then she was pissed when I told her I couldn’t make it do in a single step something that it’s not built to do.  It pretty well went downhill from there.

After my 2pm was done (after only 10 minutes, yippee!)  K and I started checking the computers in the lab to make sure they were ready for my class this morning, and of course they weren’t.  The tech guys have been working on this shit since May.  I called my boss and she got super pissed.  Within 10 minutes there were 6 guys there working on it.  K and I left for the day.

Friday evening I checked my email to see if the database problem had been fixed – no, of course not.  Josh got a few things done around the house for me and spent a whopping 15 minutes doing homework.  Because of all the equipment issues at work they had to work Saturday.  I got up when he left and started in on fixing my classes.  I spent 6 hours doing that shit.  He walked in at 11 – he was supposed to work until 2.  He decided he was going to do homework.  And then the cable guy showed up.  There went the rest of the day.

I finally sent Josh to the store – with a list this time – in the afternoon.  We had dinner, he had some booze, and again – no homework was done.  He got up at like 10 on Sunday and we had breakfast.  We got started on his homework again and got to the point where he realized there is no way in hell that he can possibly pass the one class – he’s failed too many assignments and just neglected to turn in too many others.  So I told him to concentrate on the other class.  Except he didn’t really know what he was supposed to do.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

He was still working on it when I went to bed at 8:30.  I’m so mad at him right now that it’s just ridiculous.  He’s 40 fucking years old and claims that he wants to be in school.  Yeah, right.

So work…  I got here this morning and T did not send out an email about covering his shifts this week.  K is out sick with strep.  I sent my boss a text and asked her to call so that I could find out what to do about covering the remote office and my class.  But of course she didn’t call until right before my class started.  I had already done what she wanted me to do.  But then she dropped on me that she wanted me to work on some documentation this week for the upgrade.  Right, isn’t that what you moved B over to our team for?

So when I got done with the class and ate some lunch I picked the documentation out of the website where I found it and dumped it into a Word document.  There is absolutely no sense in me trying to format it or make it look like anything – the two of them will just totally rip it apart anyway.  I’ve got better things to do with my time.

Then I thought I’d follow up on some pending messages in my inbox.  I had tried to get help last week for someone who is having website trouble.  I sent one more – polite- follow up to the guy who allegedly could help.  When his response came, I couldn’t open it because it had some weird encryption on it and I was using the web client.  I had to log on to the virtual desktop, open the full client, and then open his snotty messages.  So worth the effort.  I won’t make the mistake of ever asking that douchebag to do his job again.

I had a meeting scheduled with someone else to do website stuff today at 12:30.  When I made the appointment on Friday I thought I’d be in my other office, but she asked me to email her something.  When I sent the email, and realized my mistake, I made sure to tell her where I’d really be.  It’s now almost 2:30 and I haven’t seen or heard from her.  I have since stepped out for a smoke, but I forwarded the office phone to my cell and it hasn’t rang.  I love it when the faculty think their time is so much more important than ours.

So I guess it’s no real big surprise that I’ve been angry a lot lately.  Rage filled, psychotic, blinding, tingly in the wrong places, ANGRY.  Things at work are just utterly ridiculous right now.  My boss keeps claiming that she’s giving T enough rope to hang himself and while I get that, she doesn’t seem to get that K and I are the ones suffering for it.  There’s one set of rules in place for him, and another for us.  B seems to be in that category as well, though she’s an entirely different bird.  But she cops quite the attitude lately and seems to be not the least bit interested in being part of the team.  I’m sure you all know how hard it is to try to rely on other people as a part of getting your own duties done when those other people are as reliable as the weather.

The interesting thing is that I don’t really find myself getting angry at Josh very often.  I’ve come to the place where it really just isn’t worth it anymore.  He’s going to continue to do the things he knows irritate the hell out of me, and I’m just going to keep doing my best to wean myself off of being with him until I realize I don’t need him around at all.  We rarely have sex anymore, so that’s not really part of the equation these days.  And he’s really never been much of a companion.  Truth be told, I’ve hung on to him because I’m afraid of being alone, but I’m almost always alone when it comes to him anymore anyway.

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