smack me now

Tags

family, life, limits, motivation, projects, sick

Yesterday was Saturday, right? Yes, it was. Mom and I got up and went to the farmer’s market that’s close to us to get some veg. I also got some more of the most amazing, though ridiculously overpriced, artisan goat cheese. Phenomenal. It’s lavender and candied ginger, and the texture is so smooth and the flavor so exquisitely mild.

Nothing like a food description from a fat girl, eh?

Anyway, then it was off for coffee and pedicures. Or maybe we got the coffee before the farmer’s market, I can’t remember. The important thing to know about the coffee is that I get mine without any real coffee content anymore. I get a large mocha smoothie with no espresso, which in English is a big cup of ice with some chocolate syrup, a little coffee flavored syrup, and milk, that gets thrown in the blender. And for this delicacy I get to fork over nearly $5. Coffee shops are a fucking racket.

Do not ask what I paid for the goat cheese.

Anyway, pedicures. For whatever dumbass reason I caved and got a manicure this time. I never get manicures. I kill them almost immediately. But my nails really did look like shit and why not have someone rub me in public and trim my disgusting cuticles?

We hadn’t even made it out the door when I fucked up the polish on the one thumb, trying to get out a smoke.

Classy, right?

At any rate, much of the rest of the day was a blur because some component in the coffee made me ill. Very ill.

We did manage to get the errands done without me shitting my pants, though I’m still not sure how. We went to the mall and got some candle stuff from Yankee, stopped at Bath & Body Works, and went to 3 different kiosks looking for a new cover for my goddamn phone. Please don’t suggest Amazon, we’re not talking right now. Their search engine fucking sucks. I found the PERFECT sugar skull iPad case right after I checked out – a case that did not come up when I was specifically looking for iPad cases that had skulls on them.

Lousy. Fucking. Bastards.

And Josh has the plague. Well, maybe not the plague, maybe more like The Plague, but who knows. He sneezes, blows his nose, coughs, and hawks up lung cookies near constantly. It is disgusting.

And of course he’s been kind enough to try passing it on to me, but I’m not having any part of it, mostly because there is next to nothing I can take over the counter to help with that bullshit. Trying to get by during a summer cold with just Vick’s Vaporub SUCKS ASS.

Mom and I have been cleaning stuff out again, too. Damn her fucking AARP magazine! There was an article this month from a professional organizer that had tips and stuff and then I told her I wanted to prune my closet a bit so that I could make room to hang some of the stuff that was folded, and that’s how lucky ol’ Josh found himself making multiple trips to the thrift shop, one with the back seats in the jeep laid down.

Good times.

I am beyond exhausted, I smell funny, and there are parts of me screaming from being abused – parts I didn’t even know existed until today. I was sitting on the floor, I was hip deep in cupboards, I was up on chairs. At one point I was ice skating on the mud in the yard while carrying a box of heavy grill parts to the trash. Amazingly enough I stayed upright, though how is sure one of jezuz’s most closely guarded secrets.

I’ve got one more assignment to do and turn in and then some videos to watch for school yet today, then I can play. I got an amazing new coloring book yesterday and I think I might like to knit. Just having the extra day will be lovely.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go see if I can’t scrub the stink off myself. Toodles!

prepare for Mama-geddon

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, Evie Cat, friends, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, stress, work

Hiya bitches, I’m baaaack!

Sorry to abandon y’all like that, but I needed some time to sort. Again. And figure out where bits of my life are going. Again. And sniff lots of dirty shoes in an attempt to become mentally altered. Oh, wait…

August is always a really busy time for me. It’s when I teach the most, it’s when classes start up for Mama the Student again, money gets weird because of needing new license plates for the cars, things with Josh have been tenuous at best, personal relationships at work have SUCKED, my mental health has not been as stable as I’d have liked, Mom’s birthday, and then her anniversary (which, as I sit here I am just realizing that it has come and gone and I am such a shit for forgetting it)…

When things here in Blogville got shitty again, it was kind of the last straw for me. I had well and truly had more than enough bullshit. And I couldn’t see then how to best deal with it.

So I had to think, and process, and think a little more, and talk to T-Bone, and pet the Evie Cat, and think some more. My thinking/sorting process is NEVER linear, and frequently very messy. Given that there were so many things to sort this time, it was messier than usual, particularly since many of the sorts had the potential to be Very Life Altering.

That, that bit above ^, that is what I decided on, and it’s going to guide everything.

My job helps improve the quality of higher education for students. Education almost always equates to better job opportunities, which almost always equates to better pay, which almost always equates to a better quality of life. Seems like a right good cause to me.

I’m getting better and better at expressing myself, in writing, through my art, and in speaking to people. I was told by T-Bone this week that he felt I’d make a very fine stand up comedienne. I’ve realized that it’s more important for me to speak my truth – respectfully – than it is to try to impress people. I am what I am, like me or not, that’s not my fucking problem.

The hard issue to work on has been what to do about my marriage. I haven’t talked about it here much lately because I didn’t have much to say other than I haven’t been happy. This is different than how I used to be unhappy when Josh and I first got married, mainly because he very seldom drinks anymore. But when I look at the situation from a purely analytical perspective, it’s really fucking grim. I question why I stay with him, what is it that I’m getting out of this relationship?

But something keeps me with him, keeps me wanting to try. And we’ve finally started talking again, like really talking, and it’s gotten vastly better over the last few days. I find that really encouraging.

So part of what’s left to figure out is how to find some balance in all this. Josh will start his class next Wednesday and will be gone Mondays and Wednesdays until mid November. My class this semester is online, so I will most likely try to do my school stuff on the evenings he’s gone – it’s just easier that way. And grad school work doesn’t really phase me at this point.

Work will stay busy for awhile, which means any blogging will have to be done in the evenings before 8pm. I’m kind of having mixed emotions about trying to write posts ahead and then schedule them. That was part of what was making all of this feel like work. However, I definitely want to keep up with the CCC and Life Through the Lens weekly challenges. And I REALLY want to get back to doing the Building Rome posts. There just has to be a way to make this all work.

Seriously, that’s how I’ve managed to get through both of the degrees I have already plus the promotion. Suck it, bitches!

I did cut back on how many blogs I follow, which has helped, and I’m leaving fewer comments. I just can’t get dragged into some of that shit. And I think I’ll leave comments here on moderation for a little while. You should know, I’ve read all of them and approved everything except those on that first unhappy post. I just can’t.

You should also know that I’ve missed you.

I’ll be trying my best to get back to a more regular schedule, very shortly. Next week is odd because of the holiday and I’ve got a class to deliver on Sept 24 that I have yet to prep for, so that will almost certainly keep me busy at work. But I’ll see what I can do.

Thank you to all of you who have hung in there with me, it really does mean a lot.

 

a small update

Tags

art, creativity, drawing, motivation

There are things I’d like to/need to talk about, but I don’t have enough time to do it properly this evening, and there are some bits I’d like to share visually that wouldn’t be appropriate with the rest. So tonight I’m going to put up the picture bits and then hopefully in the next day or so I’ll have enough time to do the big update. We do have the Labor Day holiday this weekend here in the US so I’ll have Monday off work, which should help with time management issues, too. Anyway, here goes…

flower fairy – kid craft project done with the girls last weekend

based on a piece of clip art I found online

because I wanted to draw a fairy that didn’t look like shit (ignore the hands and feet)

cool purple flower earrings I made from a kit that I purchased at least 6 years ago and had never bothered to make until Sunday

my first foray into mixing fine point marker and colored pencil, inspired by the wooden E that Josh helped me decorate

I’ve got another drawing that I started last night but didn’t get finished yet; I’ll share that another time. I am feeling much more confident in my drawing and, as you can see, I’ve been quite creative lately. I’ve also finally started doing homework for my latest class and need to make sure I stay on top of that.

See you again soon…

creative bits

Tags

life through the lens

This week’s theme is Love. I considered putting up a picture of Josh and I, but then I realized that I’m more than simply his wife. I am also the World’s Coolest Aunt.

That was the day I let my older niece paint my fingernails green and silver. After having dinner and being photographed, I promptly took it off – but she never knew. That’s love.

break?

I’ve gotten to the point again where I feel like this blog might not actually be a good investment of my time. There’s shit going on, again, that just makes me sad. And I don’t really need sad.

All I’ve ever really wanted to do here was make people laugh, share some information about mental health to maybe help destigmatize it a little, and have a safe place to vent. And I’m not so sure that happens anymore. I feel like I’ve set these unrealistic expectations for myself and now, instead of being therapeutic, it feels like work.

I won’t be deleting my little home here, and I do still have plans to move myself onto a space that truly is my own. I’m just not there yet.

But I’m not going to be posting near as often. And I’m likely going to thin out the list of blogs I follow. There’s just too much drama out there and I don’t have the energy to put up with folks who bring their drama on themselves.

It’s not you, it’s just that my tolerance for bullshit has reached an all time low.

There are commitments I’ve made that I have every intention of honoring, but those posts may well be it for a time. I’m not sure if I’ll be tweeting, but that’s more likely than posts. You’re welcome to email me directly if you want at mentalinthemidwest at gmail dot com.

Mama out.

I have lived to tell the tale of my people

Tags

cartoon craziness challenge, life through the lens, motivation, school, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

What a day. I honestly wasn’t sure I’d ever make it out of there alive. And I didn’t even totally finish everything. But I got to a point where I was so extra crispy that my boss told me to get the hell out before the phone rang again. I’ve got no idea at this point how many voice mail messages I’ll be walking in to on Monday morning or how many emails. I could get the email from home, but I’m too scared.

At any rate, it’s over. The week is done, the semester will start on Monday, and my calendar is decidedly less fuck-ish. And I get to see T-Bone Monday afternoon. So yay.

Moving on, here are a few slightly more interesting things to share…

This is my mythical creature entry for this week’s Cartoon Craziness Challenge.

Don’t ask what the fuck it is, I’ve got no clue. It was fun to draw and it’s got wings, that’s all that matters. Oh, and I might see if I have time to do another since Juls and I decided to give ourselves 2 weeks this time instead of just one.

 

This week’s Life Through the Lens challenge is “miraculous.” I really had to think about this one for awhile. I finally decided on this picture….

This is from when I graduated with my first Master’s degree. I started it just to see if I could do it. I had my mental health Dxs by that point and felt like I needed to prove to myself that I hadn’t lost my edge. While I was in school I ended up being hospitalized for a suicide attempt. In spite of missing an entire week’s worth of time (classes were only 6 weeks long), I earned a B in the class and went on to graduate with a 3.8 GPA. I’m quite proud of myself for that.

why the hell not?

Tags

building a life worth living, family, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, motivation, projects, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

I’m fried, kids, F-R-I-E-D, fried. Most everything hurts, my head feels like it’s full of bubbles, and I honestly think there is nothing holding me together at this point but sheer mean. And there’s one more fucking day in this miserable excuse for a goddamn week.

I haven’t exercised. I haven’t sketched. I’ve barely knit. And I haven’t touched my book at all. I am doing SWELL.

Thank gawd Mom and Josh have picked up a bit of my normal stuff these last two days while I’ve worked late – namely dinner duty. I gotta tell you, coming home to a prepared meal that didn’t come in a paper wrapper is pretty fucking awesome.

And it’s hot here right now, like HOLY CHRIST I’M MELTING kind of hot. Heat never ever helps my mood or my energy. All I want to do is lie on my bed naked and not move. Sadly enough, when trying to maintain gainful employment, laying around naked is rather frowned upon – unless you’re in the adult entertainment industry, I suppose.

At any rate, I haven’t had much time for much of anything. I know I’m behind on comments here, but I’ll get to them. I’ve tried to keep up with reading your posts and leaving y’all comments, but I’m probably farther behind with that than I realize, too. This week is generally the worst of it, so next week I’m hoping to honestly get back to what passes as normal around here.

But I’ve been thinking about something I want to do, and letting it simmer in the odd times that my brain isn’t chugging away at a technical/pedagogical issue at work, and I think it’s time to let it loose. This is in no way final or formal or any other interesting word that begins with F. I just want to put my idea out there and let it bounce off a few of the walls of the interwebs and see what happens.

So, I’ve mentioned this Building a Life Worth Living business and how I intended to come up with a set of longer term goals that I would use as feeders of a sort for my weekly Building Rome project. What follows are those goals. The numbered lines are the goals and the lettered bits beneath are how I’m thinking I might get there or, in some cases, the sub-steps I’ll need to take.

1. Be able to put $150 into savings every month and leave it there.
   1. Evaluate the monthly budget to see if there are places I can tighten
   2. Examine other avenues of bringing in additional income
2. Get A’s in all of the courses for my degree.
   1. Make a plan for deliverable deadlines based on semester schedule
   2. Allow for at least 3 hours per week for deliverables
3. Knit something that gets completed every month. (size and difficulty don’t matter)
   
   1. Brainstorm ideas – bonus for projects that use yarn I already have
   2. If possible, line up project bags for each month that include as many of the necessary supplies as possible
   3. Keep track in my knitting journal
4. Work to improve my drawing skills.
   1. Sketch something every day
   2. Continue participating in at least one blog-based drawing challenge
5. Make exercise a regular part of my routine.
   1. Walk on the treadmill at least 3x a week
   2. Start at 15 min / session
   3. Level to 30 min
   4. Level to 45 min
   5. Level to 60 min
6. Work to improve my marketable skills.
   1. Join Code Academy
   2. Work on HTML skills
   3. Work on CSS skills
   4. Learn Java
   5. Learn PHP
   6. Read the Smashing Newsletters
   7. Create one new tech comm / design piece each month
7. Make a daily full oral hygiene routine and stick to it.
   1. Ties in to taking a shower since I brush my teeth in the shower – need to do that every day
   2. Brush in the shower, floss at night before bed
8. Read for pleasure on a regular basis.
   1. Set aside 30 minutes at least 2x / week
   2. 30 minutes 3x / week
   3. 30 minutes 5x / week
   4. 30 minutes every day
9. Work on a good way to address my skin conditions.
   1. Research – are there legit home remedies?
   2. Research – is there a reputable dermatologist in the area?
      1. What medical treatments are available?
      2. What alternative options are available?
10. Plan a long term creative project that incorporates a new skill or a skill I haven’t perfected yet. Start the project and finish it before my 40th birthday.
    1. Brainstorm ideas – needs to be affordable, but otherwise anything goes
    2. Setup a timeline for learning the skills necessary and then completing the project

Like I said, not sure what it’s going to look like to get there and these aren’t in any particular order. I just wanted to get everything out of my brain so I can start analyzing it. Keep in mind that these are long term goals and I have no plans to get them done within a tight timeframe. In all honesty, if I could get everything accomplished by my 40th birthday (not until March 2016) then I’d be quite happy. Your thoughts are always welcome.

 

brain droppings

Tags

knitting, life, limits, motivation, random shit that falls out of my brain, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

Ok, brain blast, whatever… I’m still not quite fully functional and I’ve got very little time for this right now. Nothing personal, it’s just that I’d like to unplug at 8 and attempt to knit and it’s currently 7:43. So, let’s see what I can scrape up…

 

if you don’t get the reference, go back to watching cat videos – this blog is not for you

I’ve had hardly any time to listen to music lately at all, the exception being my time in the car. I have come to the conclusion that all of the CDs I have in the jeep suck and that all of the local radio stations also suck. So I need to figure out some kind of solution to this dilemma at some point – probably just make myself some better mix CDs. (you don’t dare put an original disc in the jeep’s player – it eats them like cookies) I did find it quite fitting that the last song playing when I pulled up at the house was Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb.”

I have my little baby dragon, but he doesn’t shoot flames. I would love to have a flame shooting dragon to deal with that goddamn S at work. She was hired expressly to deal with one project and is just now – after EIGHT FUCKING MONTHS – starting to work on it. Her solution is to use a WordPress blog. Wow, that is just so not gonna work. As we all sat in a meeting today listening to her talk about it I just kept very politely correcting her outright lies about what it can/cannot do. When we got back to the office I sat down with the boss and told her that I could have the entire fucking thing built from scratch by now, possibly complete with back end database functionality, and that a WP blog is not in any way, shape, or form going to meet her needs for this.

“Yes, I know.”

For the love of all that is holy, someone needs to beat her to death with a dead fish.

Anyway, I did decide on a new knitting project and last night I did the cast on row. That sounds so pud, but in my defense, you start with 90 stitches which is kind of a lot. I’m hoping to get at least a few rows done tonight. I haven’t really had the opportunity to do much else creative, and that sucks.

pardon me, are those titties still under warranty?

Tags

anxiety, family, life, limits, mental illness, motivation, sick, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

No, I’m not quite entirely crazy yet. But I’m working on it. What I’ve not been able to work on is any of my goals. And that sucks, but it is what it is.

These last two days have been just… Just… FUCK, I don’t even have the right kind of English to describe it. Non-stop, hard core, intense, draining, ridiculous – all of those and then some. Yesterday there was no time to eat at work – at all. Today the only reason I got lunch was because K and I were doing part of a demo thing for a group and they had lunch catered and invited us to join them.

And these people, HOLY FUCKING HELL, these people just keep coming up with bigger and dumber ways to fuck shit up. It’s just not funny anymore. I feel like I need a tazer or something. And it’s not over. But I do have something funny (funny to me anyway) to share to make up for the fact that I will most likely be a terrible slacker this week in terms of posting shit and doing anything towards meeting my goals.

My sister has fake boobs and one of them popped. Not only that, but evidently the damn things are so prone to popping that they come with a 10 year warranty. No, that picture is not my sister and no, her boobs aren’t that big. But still, you get the idea. I find this funny, even though it means I am even more likely to end up going straight to hell while wearing gasoline panties. To help offset this transgression, I offer you this…

Yes, I was holding 2 full beverages, a 2 quart bottle of tea, my Wonder Woman bottle and a Wonder Woman cup. Mama requires much hydration. And funky pants. Don’t judge.

 

building rome – weekly update

Well now, THAT SUCKED. *sigh*

Ok, let’s be fair and look at what was going on last week. I had:

• 9 classes that I taught – they all went well, but that was incredibly tiring, both physically and emotionally
• a demo on Saturday with my boss which went a little less amazing than I had hoped it would
• a car accident
• Mom’s birthday, which meant dealing with my sister, who was diagnosed with shingles over the weekend – she’s bitchy enough as it is, but when she’s sick she’s damn near impossible to be around
• Josh’s final exam was Thursday night, which meant that he went to school on Tuesday, Wednesday, AND Thursday to get everything done
• I caught the bank out in a $50 error in their favor which resulted in an overdraft which lead to a $28 fee, all of which had to be corrected

So it’s really no big surprise that the specific things I said I wanted to do, didn’t really happen like I wanted them to happen. I did get my Cartoon Challenge drawing done and I’m really proud of it. I spent a little time on Saturday coloring with my niece. And I have selected a pattern to start knitting next. So all of that was good. I also spent a fair amount of time thinking about my longer term goals and how I might approach that project.

Treadmill? What treadmill?

Anyway, if doing this kind goal setting thing sounds like your cup of tea, join the Building Rome crew. It’s a totally awesome thing and really quite helpful.

The semester starts on the 25th. This week is also going to be mostly hellish, so I’m going to try to take it easy on myself. I’m going to need all of the stress management help I can get. Here’s what I’m going to try this week:

• Start the new knitting project. This does need to be more than just getting out the yarn and needles – I need to at least cast on and get the first 2 rows done.
• Read for a bit every night before bed. I can’t really say how long because some nights it makes me sleepy very fast.
• Do something creative/crafty every day. This can include the Cartoon Challenge entry, knitting, coloring, origami, or sketching. Pretty much anything will count.