when life hands you lemons…

Tags

bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, DBT, depression, mental health, mental illness, rebuilding my life, suicide

…freeze those fuckers and throw them at people you don’t like. Because seriously, who likes lemonade? But I digress, today is Thursday and on Thursdays we talk about mental health.

***TRIGGER WARNING***

I’m going to discuss suicide in this post. If that will bother you, stop reading now.

Something really cool happened yesterday. It’s probably only cool to me, but hey, my blog. This story actually starts back in 2010. Let’s hop in Mama’s time machine…

In February of 2010 I had a terrible breakup with a guy. That was pretty typical for me. I still hadn’t completed DBT and I wasn’t really taking care of myself. True to form I fell hard and scared him off. When he broke up with me I emptied the contents of the medicine cabinet into my stomach. That was my 4th serious attempt within two years. By the time I was found I was completely unconscious. The paramedics rushed me to the hospital, they pumped my stomach, and I spent time in the ICU.

Life was not good at that point, to say the very least.

I worked hard to get my life back together. I continued going to my therapy sessions, 3 times a week at the start, my mom locked my meds up and I only got one week worth at a time, and I learned how to think all over again. My psychiatrist wasn’t sure if I’d finally managed to cause myself permanent brain damage. (I hadn’t.)

Slowly but surely things came back together. I finished my Master’s degree and started doing better at work. My relationships improved. I learned how to not give up on myself anymore.

Back to the present…

A month or so ago my boss told me that our prescription insurance will do mail order three month med refills on generics for NOTHING. I take three prescriptions, all psych meds, and all generic. But I was concerned that my doc wouldn’t go for it because of my history.

The box came yesterday.

 

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what the hell is that smell?

Tags

anxiety, becoming me, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, divorce, family, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, sick, sleep, stress, taking back control of my life, the world is full of fucking idiots

No matter how many times you try to polish it, a turd is still just a turd. Oddly enough, it’s taken me more than 5 years to realize this. Probably more than that in all honesty, but 5 years for this particular instance.

I’m really mostly a kind, gentle soul that doesn’t like hurting anyone for any reason. As T-bone described it earlier, beneath my hard as nails exterior is a gooey marshmallow center. That is totally true, most of the time.

But we all have our limits and I’ve reached mine.

This blog wasn’t around when Josh and I started dating, which is really a good thing. There was a blog, under a different name, and it’s since been deleted. By me. I was just coming out of the worst stretch of my life in regards to my mental health and I was a little bit beyond batshit crazy.

But I did a year of DBT, I went through even more therapy after that, kept taking my meds like a good kid, and doing all the stuff the doc said to do. And because of all that hard work and the support of some amazing folks, I haven’t seen the inside of an ambulance, an ICU, or a psych ward since February 2010. Totally proud of that.

Since that time I’ve finished a Master’s degree, started and finished a graduate certificate (got a 4.0GPA on it, too), taught myself to knit sweaters and socks, learned to draw, and I’ve been ridiculously stable.

None of that actually has a fucking thing to do with Josh. Not a bit. In that same span of time he finally quit drinking every night, enrolled in some classes at the community college where he is doing the bare minimum to get by, and has maybe quit smoking. Possibly. But according to him everything good that happens is because of him and everything shitty is because of me. It’s a pretty typical mess one encounters with a pending divorce.

Fights between two people who have mental illnesses like we do and are also incredibly fucking stubborn are just nuts. We try to out-stubborn the other, we say truly shitty things, and there is not an iota of tenderness. It’s all out warfare and I’m sick of it.

I’m taking the blame for it because that seems the easiest way to just shut him the hell up. I’ve already taken some steps to take control of my life, something I haven’t entirely had in a very long time, like maybe ever. I’m reclaiming my preferred persona everywhere I can. So I will likely be making some massive overhauls here and in all areas of my life, and I might be away for a few days. Thank you for the love and support you’ve shown me, recently and always. Y’all mean oodles to me.

so much to tell you

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, divorce, goals, health, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, stress

I’m not really even sure where to begin, which isn’t like me. So let’s see…

I did walk on Friday, only 10 minutes, but still. And my total for the week in terms of weight loss was one pound. I’ll take it.

Josh had the appointment with the cardiologist Friday afternoon. He almost certainly has blockages in his heart and his legs. On Monday he goes in for a scan of his legs and then on Wednesday they’ll do an angiogram. Not sure what they’ll find or when he’ll come home. I honestly don’t think it matters. He isn’t taking any of this seriously and I’ve decided I really don’t care. If he doesn’t love me enough to take care of himself then there’s no point in worrying about any of this.

Mom and I went shopping today, as per our usual Saturday morning fun. We did the big farmer’s market downtown, Kohl’s, Barnes & Noble, and Hallmark. She had some wicked good coupons at Kohl’s and gave them to me so I ended up with a swimming outfit for $1.06. It’s really workout shorts and a tank top that should be alright in the water and will cover the truly unsightly bits on my legs.

This afternoon I got the sewing done on the black and white vest. WOOT! I still need to trim the threads and clean up a few rough edges, but it’s essentially done. I am so fucking excited to see the ass end of that project. The knit shrug is coming along nicely as well, I’m thinking maybe tonight I’ll get to spend a little time with it. Although, maybe not, because…

MENTALTOASTER is a thing! My friend got the URL registered, WordPress is installed, and now we’re working on some final details and what it should look like. My intention is for it to be a positive place where anyone wanting to get or give support on nutritional/health type issues can go, particularly if that person also has mental health issues. I will definitely let y’all know when everything is live and ready to roll.

going the distance

Tags

anxiety, average speed, baby steps, bipolar disorder, depression, forming healthy habits, getting creative, getting healthy, hypomania, knitting, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sleep, slow and steady wins the race, stress, stress management

this is a tiny stretch this week, maybe? just hang with me

My friend Wendy sent me a link to this article the other day that talks about getting shit done. It’s a great article and you should totally read it. If you’re lazy, I will summarize.

Are you familiar with the fable about the Tortoise and the Hare? The hare is a big ol’ smack-talking fool who just knows that he can beat the tortoise because, well, tortoise. But the tortoise takes his time and just keeps on trucking and ends up beating the hare by keeping to his slow but steady pace. The idea behind “average speed” is pretty similar. Sure it’s great to make an all out push to do a lot of something all at once or do it harder/faster/whatever than other people. But if you can’t maintain that pace then what good is it?

James, the author, says that committing to a more normal pace that you can sustain for a longer haul actually produces greater results because you get a little something done on a much more consistent basis.

Consistency kids, that’s where it’s at. Slow and steady.

So you do something, say exercising, and right now you do ok with doing it once a week. James suggests that you try “graduating” up to twice a week. Once that becomes easy and routine, graduate up to three times, and so on. Again, it’s about establishing consistent habits that you can maintain on a regular basis. And being gentle with yourself when you have an off day. (LOVE that he includes that!)

Now, how does this apply to mental health? I can think of LOTS of ways…

• Perhaps you are not always so consistent with going to bed at a time that allows you to get the amount of sleep your body prefers. Start with a plan to stick to your bedtime two nights a week and graduate yourself up from there. (I tend not to be so careful on Friday and Saturday nights, but deviating even then can cause problems for me. Know your body and what it needs for sleep and then adjust accordingly.)
• Perhaps you are feeling overwhelmed by the physical stuff in your home and this is causing anxiety. Make a plan to spend to spend 10 minutes three times a week to work on an area. Set a timer if you want to. You can continue doing this until you no longer feel the anxiety (because enough stuff is gone) or you can graduate to longer periods of time or more of them.
• Perhaps your mental health care provider (and maybe general practitioner) is recommending exercise as a way to help with anxiety or other health issues. Start with a specific amount of time, maybe 15 minutes, or if you’re into the Fitbit thing you can set a goal for yourself of a specific number of steps every day. As that becomes easy, graduate up to more.
• Perhaps you, like me, have Bipolar Disorder and miss the creative bursts that often accompany mania. (trust me, that is the ONLY good thing about that demon) So work on developing a habit of creativity that you can call on anytime. Pick your outlet (drawing, painting, knitting, writing, cooking, playing a musical instrument, making jewelry…) and set aside 10 minutes every day to do it. You could pick small projects to work on like just doodling, a pair of earrings, a portion of a scarf, learning a new chord on the guitar, the thing isn’t the important part of this. The act of setting aside the time to let your brain purposely be creative is what’s creative. In my experience, the more you tap into it with purpose the easier it gets.

Part of what appeals to me so much about this whole idea is the routine and consistency. For me to get something important done it really has to be a part of my day to day life. I don’t typically have to do a big whonking chunk at once to feel successful so long as I do a little every day. It really is like the my friend WeeGee says,

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

 

top 10 tuesday returns

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, DBT, depression, effective coping skills, goals, life, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sleep, stress, stress management, top 10, top 10 tuesday

Hiya kids! Welcome to another installment of Top 10 Tuesday. This week I’ve decided to share some effective coping skills / tips & tricks I’ve picked up over the last 9ish years. I need to point out right about now that yours truly has a dual diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder II and Borderline Personality Disorder, so I’ve gone through DBT and that’s where I picked up a good chunk of this.

I’m not trained in delivering DBT and I’m sure as fuck not a medical professional so what I’m offering here are just suggestions for things that I find effective. Your mileage may vary.

M’kay, let’s roll…

1. Control:  First and foremost I would like to remind you, gentle reader, that you are human. (shocking, I know) As humans we are imperfect creatures. We do not always make the most effective decisions when faced with a choice. I would encourage you to strive for gentleness in all things but in particular when dealing with yourself. And do your best not to judge, others or yourself. Judgements can lead to emotional pain and that’s not very effective. Learn to recognize the difference between the things you can control and things you can’t. Do your best to make informed choices when you have control and to roll with it when you don’t. Acknowledge it, learn from it, and move on.
2. Staying Organized:  I thrive on structure and routine. My keys are always hung on the hook in the entryway when I’m at home, in the small outer pocket of my purse when I’m carrying that, or in the top flap pocket of my backpack when I’m carrying it. If I don’t do things the same way every time I confuse myself. By doing the small things like that the same way consistently I’ve found that I can free up some of my limited brain power for other, more interesting to me, things. It also minimizes the stress I would feel should I have to hunt for stuff.
3. Put it on Paper:  This kind of goes with staying organized I guess. Anything I need to remember is immediately documented otherwise it’s gone. I have an app on my phone that allows me to keep a to do list with reminder notifications, I keep a small notebook in my purse and another in my backpack, and I use the Tasks feature in Outlook for my work stuff. This is another stress minimizer. If I don’t feel the stress in the first place then I don’t have to spend time trying to reduce the impact of it on my day.
4. Set Goals:  The weekly goals thing I do really does help me to not only get things done but also challenge myself. I set them to be just a little on the difficult side, but not all of them and not always. I’ve learned that nothing breeds success for me like success. (say wha…?) No, really. If you’re able to set yourself up to succeed you are more likely to succeed again. Start small and build your way up. Try it, you might like it. And I have faith in you.
5. Get Active:  I have learned over the years that few things will help level my mood, reduce anxiety, and help me sleep more than getting a little exercise. My preference is to walk on the treadmill for at least 15 minutes. Lately I’ve been increasing my speed and adding a little incline to make it slightly more challenging and I’m trying to 5x a week. But it is utterly amazing what a difference a brisk walk will make for me.
6. Good Nutrition:  There is a saying in the tech world, “garbage in, garbage out” and it holds true for fuck near everything. If you put garbage (junk food) in your body then you really shouldn’t expect it to perform well. Aim for a balanced diet that includes a variety of stuff including whole grains, fruits, veggies, lean meats, and a little chocolate. Seriously, don’t tell yourself that there are things you can’t have (unless you’re allergic, then totally don’t eat that shit) but try to be aware of serving sizes and exercise a little moderation.
7. Relax:  Make time every day to do something that you enjoy and that you’re good at. (success breeds success, remember?) Your brain and body need some time to unwind and just hang loose. For me this is an every evening thing. At 8pm I take my bedtime meds, turn off the electronics, turn on the stereo, and do something creative. I need that time to feel like me.
8. Know When to Retreat:  Some days you’re the dog and some days you’re the hydrant, that’s just life. There will be times when going back to bed and hiding under the covers feels like the best option. So do it. But then tomorrow you need to get back up and start kicking ass again. It’s a tactical thing really. You retreat, rally the troops, build your strength back up, and come out swinging.
9. Make the Most of What You’ve Got:  My assumption is that we all have tools available to us that could help make our lives a little easier, we just need to identify them and utilize them in the most effective ways possible. The #1 tool in my arsenal is my phone. I have a Motorola Droid Ultra smartphone and I make that little fucker do everything. I have a white noise app to help me sleep, the Fitbit app so I can see my progress during the day and help track my sleep and food intake (when I can be bothered to log that shit), an app so I can listen to audio books while I walk, my task app (with a reminder setup for every night at 8pm so that I don’t forget my pills), email apps for my personal and work accounts, a calendar app that ties in my personal and work info, every mailing address I could possibly need entered with my contacts… You get the idea. I also use pill trays, 3 of them, to keep track of my pills which makes it super easy to see if I forgot a dose of something. It doesn’t have to be electronic/expensive/or fancy, but I bet you’ve got something you can turn into your little personal assistant.
10. Chaos:  I’ve learned the hard way that physical chaos in my surroundings leads to an almost complete inability to be productive. I pick up after myself every night before bed, I put all of my shit at the office away when I leave for the day, and I’m trying to keep the crap in my immediate line of sight at my work areas to a minimum. You might not be bothered by this, but I sure as fuck am. Clutter is an evil thing in my world and I’m trying to eliminate as much of it as possible.

mental health thursday – a post in pictures

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, depression, family, friends, hypomania, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, normal, stress, stress management

dear drama llama…

Tags

alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, depression, getting creative, health, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sleep, stress

Stress effects everyone differently, but you can rest assured that it effects us all. Stress can be good, like the kind that drives us to do our best on a project. It can also be bad, like the kind that emotionally cripples us and leaves us in a heap on the floor. But we don’t have to let bad stress make us it’s bitch. Here are some of the ways that I help to combat my stress.

Humor

Dear Drama Llama,
We’ve spent a lot of time together lately, so much in fact that my dear friends Productivity and Sleep are getting concerned. I think they’re right, it’s time for you and I to take a break from each other. Let’s just reschedule. Does the Tuesday after NEVER work for you? Let me know. Kthxbai.

It’s a lot harder to cry when you’re busy laughing.

Exercise

Physical activity releases good chemicals into our bodies that make us feel good and when we feel good it’s easier to deal with stress. I also find that when I’m stressed I have nervous energy that makes it hard to sleep and exercising helps to burn that off. My preferred form of exercise is walking. I have a treadmill at home and I love it. The days I make time to walk I feel noticeably better.

Nutrition

Food is fuel for our bodies and the higher quality fuel we put in, the better our bodies run. This is never more true than when we’re stressed. I know how tempting it is to reach for the junk food and chocolate, but try to resist. If you need something crunchy to work out a little aggression, go for raw veggies like carrots or fresh apples. Fruit can take the place of something sweet like chocolate and is extra treat-like if you freeze it (cherries are my favorite for this). Tempting as it may be, do your best to stay away from alcohol. Stress and alcohol do not mix.

Make time for something you enjoy

Even when we have so much going on that it seems like time to relax is a luxury we really need to make time for ourselves. Our brains need time to unwind and chew on something other than what’s stressing us out. I take an hour every evening right before bed to draw or knit or play with nanoblocks. It really does make a difference. And it leads me to another biggie…

Sleep

I know first-hand how hard it is to get enough sleep when you’re stressed, and how sometimes it’s hard because all you want to do is sleep, but a good balance is what we all need. Most folks need somewhere between 7 and 9 hours every night. I fall right in the middle, happiest with about 8. Getting some physical activity every day, before dinner, helps. Staying away from caffeine or other things that stimulate you helps. Doing something relaxing for awhile before bedtime helps. And turning off the electronics for an hour before you lay down helps.

Follow doc’s orders

I have an Rx from shrinky-poo for anxiety meds that help with stress. I’m allowed 2100mg per day but usually only take 1200. It helps knowing that I have room to increase safely but I really do find that handling at least some of it with diet, exercise, and relaxing activities works much better for me. But I really can’t encourage y’all enough to talk to your mental health care provider about the kinds of stress you normally have and what the best ways are for you to help address it.

top 10 Tuesday – mental health style

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alcohol, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, family, friends, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, money, moods, motivation, sick, stress, top 10 tuesday

I haven’t done a Top 10 Tuesday in awhile now, and I realized that it’s high past time. So, for today’s Mental Health style list I present for you my Top 10 Stupid Things I Did While Manic.

1. Had an affair with my husband’s best friend.
2. Bought an Infinity G35 for a guy I had met once.
3. Moved in with a guy I met in the Special Care Ward.
4. Had that schmuck’s name tattooed on my back.
5. Racked up $20k in credit card debt buying random crap. (I don’t have any of it anymore)
6. Became obsessed with a guy who lived in a different country and when shit didn’t go good with him I OD’d.
7. Pushed away damn near everyone who cared about me.
8. Had sex with any guy who was even remotely nice to me because in my mind (back then) sex = love.
9. Drank so much I honestly pickled my liver. (it has since recovered)
10. Made a 2 hour round trip twice a week for several weeks to visit another schmuck who was in the regional mental health facility. I was his chewing tobacco mule.

My life has not always been glorious or glamorous or even all that worth living. But I’ve been working on all of this for quite a while now, at least 5 years, and life is dramatically different. The majority of my debt these days is student loans from my Master’s degree. The name got covered up. The car got sold. I have a group of people who love me and, for some unknown reason, continue to put up with my bullshit.

All of that to say this…

Just because life sucks today doesn’t mean it will still suck tomorrow. Hang in there, keep fighting, keep pushing, you can totally do this. You will totally do this. I believe in you.

not well

Tags

bipolar disorder, depression, family, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

I’m waiting for a call back from the dermatologist so that I can hopefully get in for an appointment today or, at the very least, have her call out an Rx for an antibiotic. I have one of those cysts further around towards the back of my leg and it’s draining, a lot. This is good because at least the infection isn’t building up under the surface and making a big painful lump. It’s bad because as it drains the fluid dries on my special shorts and when I get up or move around the fabric moves independent of the skin and rips the scab off.

Wow, that’s really gross just to write it out.

Anyway, it’s making walking and sitting and laying down all kind of painful. And I still have this glorious cold. I was awake most of the night last night thanks to an unpleasant combination of:

• Leg scab thingy
• Cold = coughing non-stop for an hour in the middle of the night
• Josh is an asshole

Evidently I’m not allowed to get sick, or take a day off work, or deviate in any way from a rigid schedule that I allegedly set for myself because when I do, I turn into the World’s Biggest Bitch. I actually expect him to perhaps look at me while he talks to me instead of playing with something electronic or watching the television over my shoulder while I’m trying to tell him that I feel like I’m being replaced by shit with screens. And we can’t actually have something that resembles a normal adult conversation, he has to snap and say the shittiest possible thing at every opportunity. Oh, and it’s gotta happen right when I’m trying to go to bed.

So I’m not feeling great today. Being sick always sucks, but I think being sick when you have a mental health issue sucks even more. There are only a few over the counter meds I can take to help with the cold issues and I’ve been taking that shit pretty religiously for more than a week now. I’m in a holding pattern until I hear from the dermatologist about my skin, but I’m trying to do what I know I’m supposed to. (did you know that you can get Hibiclens in a 32oz bottle? so much cheaper than the little ones)

The only thing I really don’t know what to do about is Josh. While Mom and I worked in the yard on Saturday he took care of most of the inside stuff, which was good. It was a critical tactical error on his part, but it was good for me. (now that he’s proven he can do this shit he’s going to get to do it more often!) And I really didn’t criticize the differences between how he does stuff and how I normally do it. But allegedly I spend 20 minutes out of every 60 being mad at him, giving him dirty looks, and saying mean things to him. If this is true, I don’t understand why he stays. But if I ask him that, I’m starting the next round of shit.

explaining what it feels like to have bipolar disorder

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, depression, hypomania, life, limits, meds, mental health, moods, sleep, stress

Anyone with an invisible illness can tell you just how hard it is to tell you what it’s like living with that illness. There are some bits that are maybe easy to relate to, but most of it? Not so much. When you’re dealing with a mental illness that just seems to add another layer of “no way, what?” to the party.

Throw in that no two people will experience the same diagnosis in exactly the same way and you essentially get Klingons trying to speak Midwestern English while the Midwesterners are speaking Ancient Sumerian.

In other words, what the fuck did you just say?

But there do seem to be some areas where we share common ground. For example, most folks who have bipolar have issues with sleep and need a little help making it happen on a regular basis. Describing what a typical night without sleepytime meds is like is the hard part.

All of this fascinating lead-in to say that I came across an article that I think really nicely describes a bipolar experience quite similar to my own. And by “really nicely” I mean this poor woman has apparently suffered through similar bullshit as I have and was able to find words to describe it.

So if you’re lucky enough to not have bipolar and you’d like to know more about it by reading someone’s description of their personal experiences with it, that would be the article to read.