when life hands you lemons…

Tags

bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, DBT, depression, mental health, mental illness, rebuilding my life, suicide

…freeze those fuckers and throw them at people you don’t like. Because seriously, who likes lemonade? But I digress, today is Thursday and on Thursdays we talk about mental health.

***TRIGGER WARNING***

I’m going to discuss suicide in this post. If that will bother you, stop reading now.

Something really cool happened yesterday. It’s probably only cool to me, but hey, my blog. This story actually starts back in 2010. Let’s hop in Mama’s time machine…

In February of 2010 I had a terrible breakup with a guy. That was pretty typical for me. I still hadn’t completed DBT and I wasn’t really taking care of myself. True to form I fell hard and scared him off. When he broke up with me I emptied the contents of the medicine cabinet into my stomach. That was my 4th serious attempt within two years. By the time I was found I was completely unconscious. The paramedics rushed me to the hospital, they pumped my stomach, and I spent time in the ICU.

Life was not good at that point, to say the very least.

I worked hard to get my life back together. I continued going to my therapy sessions, 3 times a week at the start, my mom locked my meds up and I only got one week worth at a time, and I learned how to think all over again. My psychiatrist wasn’t sure if I’d finally managed to cause myself permanent brain damage. (I hadn’t.)

Slowly but surely things came back together. I finished my Master’s degree and started doing better at work. My relationships improved. I learned how to not give up on myself anymore.

Back to the present…

A month or so ago my boss told me that our prescription insurance will do mail order three month med refills on generics for NOTHING. I take three prescriptions, all psych meds, and all generic. But I was concerned that my doc wouldn’t go for it because of my history.

The box came yesterday.

 

what the hell is that smell?

Tags

anxiety, becoming me, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, divorce, family, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, sick, sleep, stress, taking back control of my life, the world is full of fucking idiots

No matter how many times you try to polish it, a turd is still just a turd. Oddly enough, it’s taken me more than 5 years to realize this. Probably more than that in all honesty, but 5 years for this particular instance.

I’m really mostly a kind, gentle soul that doesn’t like hurting anyone for any reason. As T-bone described it earlier, beneath my hard as nails exterior is a gooey marshmallow center. That is totally true, most of the time.

But we all have our limits and I’ve reached mine.

This blog wasn’t around when Josh and I started dating, which is really a good thing. There was a blog, under a different name, and it’s since been deleted. By me. I was just coming out of the worst stretch of my life in regards to my mental health and I was a little bit beyond batshit crazy.

But I did a year of DBT, I went through even more therapy after that, kept taking my meds like a good kid, and doing all the stuff the doc said to do. And because of all that hard work and the support of some amazing folks, I haven’t seen the inside of an ambulance, an ICU, or a psych ward since February 2010. Totally proud of that.

Since that time I’ve finished a Master’s degree, started and finished a graduate certificate (got a 4.0GPA on it, too), taught myself to knit sweaters and socks, learned to draw, and I’ve been ridiculously stable.

None of that actually has a fucking thing to do with Josh. Not a bit. In that same span of time he finally quit drinking every night, enrolled in some classes at the community college where he is doing the bare minimum to get by, and has maybe quit smoking. Possibly. But according to him everything good that happens is because of him and everything shitty is because of me. It’s a pretty typical mess one encounters with a pending divorce.

Fights between two people who have mental illnesses like we do and are also incredibly fucking stubborn are just nuts. We try to out-stubborn the other, we say truly shitty things, and there is not an iota of tenderness. It’s all out warfare and I’m sick of it.

I’m taking the blame for it because that seems the easiest way to just shut him the hell up. I’ve already taken some steps to take control of my life, something I haven’t entirely had in a very long time, like maybe ever. I’m reclaiming my preferred persona everywhere I can. So I will likely be making some massive overhauls here and in all areas of my life, and I might be away for a few days. Thank you for the love and support you’ve shown me, recently and always. Y’all mean oodles to me.

the (viscous and entirely rotten) cycle of mental health from the viewpoint of someone with bipolar and borderline

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, getting healthy, health, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress, stress management

Wow, doesn’t life just suck some turds sometimes? Honestly, things were going great in my little world and then BAM! All of a sudden I’ve quit smoking, the diet is really changing, and the old man may or may not have a serious heart condition. I feel little like I’ve been handled in a way which is sexually inappropriate and A) not offered adequate lubrication, and B) not been kissed afterwards.

This SUCKS.

And because my stress levels have rocketed through the ever-loving roof, my skin condition is flaring up. And my neck/shoulder muscles are tight again. And this afternoon my irritable bowels decided to be irritable.

Come on man, now this shit REALLY SUCKS.

But it’s like that for those of us living with a mental health condition. What effects our physical health will end up effecting our mental health, and the other way ’round. It’s like a two-fer that NO ONE WANTS. Or a buy one, get one sale on second-hand toothbrushes. Or… (insert your own icky metaphor here, and share in the comments please)

For me it’s all too easy to let the cycle get entirely out of control. Take for example this fine shitstain of a week. I haven’t walked yet at all. Not once. And the less I walk the harder it is to sleep. The harder it is to sleep, the harder it is to get up early enough to walk. You feel me, right? Dig it.

So the cycle has to stop, and I have to be the one to do it. Tomorrow morning, no matter how much I don’t want to or I hurt or I’m tired, I will be getting my fat little ass on that treadmill. (after I weigh myself) If I don’t, then the skin condition bullshit and the stress and the mental stuff, it all wins. And I am not spending my time on this little blue ball letting something other than me determine what wins.

my tolerance for bullshit has reached an all-time low

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, choices, DBT, drama free zone, family, health, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, save the drama for yo mama, skin conditions, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

Yeah, Mondays suck. I’ve been trying my best to deal with the ridiculous quantities of bullshit going on right now and, honestly, I think I’m doing a fan-fucking-tastic job. But truly, a girl can only take so much at once.

Josh and I have both smoked what should be our last cigarettes. That happened yesterday. Remarkably it hasn’t been as hard as I remember quitting can be. Part of it is that it’s been hot as hell here lately. I hate smoking outside when it’s really hot, wet, windy, or cold. So basically there are like 6 weeks out of 52 that I find smoking outside tolerable in Nebraska.

Because of all the drama going on with Josh’s health I’ve been trying to take care of myself as best I can and not make a fuss about not really feeling great myself. I know it’s stress and that this stress will pass, I really do get that. But my skin crap is flaring up on both legs now and draining like that cheap old car we all had that leaked oil like some kind of freak mechanical miscarriage. It ain’t pretty in my special long-legged drawers right now kids, not pretty at all.

So I called the dermatologist’s office to get an appointment to try the phototherapy whatever. She’s on vacation this week so I’ll see her PA, her dude PA. Keep in mind that my problem area is my inner thighs, right up next to where all my junk is. The nurse explained that they’ll “paint” the area, let it sit (to give it time to think about what it’s done to me???), then I’ll sit under the light. The whole process is supposed to take about two hours. And then, get this, I cannot expose the affected area to sunlight for 48 hours. She told me that and I’m all, “honey, that part of this body hasn’t seen the actual light of day in YEARS.”

Oh sweet jezuz, what the fuck am I getting myself into now…

My appointment is at 12:30, if it runs 2 hours I’ll be done at 2:30. Josh’s appointment with the anesthesia people is at 3:30. I know where we’re going but he doesn’t and I’m not entirely sure how to work all of this because he and I will be coming from complete opposite sides of town. Righty-o.

Alright, I’ve had my 15 minutes of bitching, time to suck it up and get on with kicking ass and taking names.

It’s certainly not a popular opinion that I hold, but I will tell you that it is my heart-felt belief that each of us is faced with choices every day and how we choose shapes the remainder of our days. I said something to this effect to someone the other day and was met with utter resistance. I was told that I couldn’t possibly say that everyone can choose.

I’m here to tell you that they can and they do. There are no excuses. Maybe you aren’t in a state of mind to make a reasonable choice today but I would suggest that it likely has to do with a choice you made on a different day. And don’t for one minute think that not making a choice gets your ass off the hook. Not choosing is a form of choosing, rather a coward’s way.

I’m choosing not to put up with whiny ass bullshit drama anymore. I have better things to do with my time.

a glimpse of friday

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, cat watching television, cleaning is a coping skill, Elsa riding a T-rex, family, kids, life, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, nothing like nieces, stress

I took yesterday off work (mostly) so that I could get a few things done before the kid comes this weekend and so that I could spend the afternoon with my nieces. Thursday night I was kind of strung out from all the medical shit going on so I fell back on one of my favorite coping skills – cleaning. Between Thursday late evening and this morning I’ve managed to get all of this shit done.

• All 3 bathrooms cleaned (in all fairness only 1 is a full bath)
• I brewed my coffee for iced coffees next week
• Cleaned out and organized both fridges
• Did 2 loads of laundry
• Changed the sheets and made the bed
• Watered the plants
• Refilled my pill trays, all 3 of them (those are just mine, Josh has 3 of his own)
• Emptied the cat box, 2x
• Finished putting together my binders of printed patterns – I had started that project Thursday night
• Shredded some paper crap that came out of the file drawer – weeded the drawer out Thursday night as well
• Revised/updated a budget I started ages ago and printed it so that Josh and I can go over it this weekend
• Ran to the one grocery store with Mom

Aunt Erin and E, my 7 year old niece, playing dolls

at some point a T-rex got involved

at the end of a long day it’s nice to relax with a little TV

The most exciting news yesterday is that, somehow, I lost 3.5lbs. I’m quite pleased with that and I’m going to credit eating that bowl of mushy seeds and then damn near shitting myself to death with my success. So yay.

This morning Mom and I will be running to the farmer’s market and one other store, and then I believe we’re going to try to finish getting the house stuff taken care of. There’s truly no rest for the wicked.

and now for yet another installment of the Mental Girl’s Guide – Life Hacks 101

Tags

bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, life hacks, maintaining your sanity the mental girl way, mental girl, mental girl guide, mental health, mental illness, tips for being mental

If you’re a mental girl, like me, then you’ve probably figured out that this bullshit we call Life is not always everything it’s cracked up to be. But we need to find ways to make the best of it so we can go on with our fabulousness and kick some proverbial ass. So here are Mama’s suggestions for making this Life thing a little less suck.

Lists

I’m notorious for making lists of things. There are things I need to do, things I need to get at the store, things I need to remember to tell shrinky-poo, things I need to cook… You get the idea. And lists are good, provided you can find them. I know you, you’ve made all these great lists on little scraps of paper and then promptly lost them. Am I right? Of course I am, go sit back down.

My solution to this is to only keep my lists in 3 different places, only 3. Anything I need to keep track of for work gets turned into a Task in Outlook. Anything I need to remember to do for home gets turned into a Task in Gmail which is then linked into an app on my Droid called GTasks. And random, short term shit at home gets written on the little whiteboard on the fridge. Problem solved.

Self Care

When you’re caught in the throes of either mania or depression it’s hard to remember much of anything, let alone taking care of yourself. But it’s important. No one wants to smell your funk from not having bathed too many days in a row. That’s like inviting the cops to come check on what the neighbors suspect is a dead body. Not cool.

But since it is often hard to find the energy to do it, I say make the most of it. Because of my shitty skin that fucking hates me I can’t take baths anymore, it’s all showers for me. And I do as much in that shower as I possibly can. This includes:  shaving any of the bits I feel like shaving (mostly the chin whiskers), brushing my teeth, washing my face, grinding the dead shit off my heels and elbows, in addition to all of the “normal” things one would do in the shower.

After that it’s just a matter of throwing on some clean clothes, running a comb through your hair, and calling it good.

Housework

I won’t lie, I absolutely hate cleaning house. Some smart guy, probably a horny 16 year old kid who wants his girlfriend to finish her chores faster, needs to invent a way for my house to clean itself. Chop chop, get on that shit! Until that day I guess I’ll have to keep finding little ways to make it suck less. Except the vacuuming, that needs to suck.

I try to run a load of laundry as soon as there’s a full load to be run. For us this tends to happen every other day or so with the hot water stuff. I keep separate hampers for hot water, warm water, and my dress shirts so that it’s real easy to keep an eye on that shit and see when one of them reaches critical mass. If I can I throw the load in the washer before I leave for work in the morning, put it in the dryer when I get home, and then fold it and put it away before bed. Done. Doing it little at a time like that makes it feel not quite as wretched.

Minor maintenance stuff like tidying up and emptying the little trashcans I do every day. It takes a total of about 10 minutes. If I do that shit daily then it doesn’t have a chance to get out of control, like my hair in the humidity, and then I have less of it to do on the weekends.

Personal Organization

Let’s face it, we’re popular people. We have lots of appointments to keep track of. Places to go, people to see, shit to do. And it’s easy to let something important slip if you don’t keep track of it.

I’ve mentioned before that I am all about making my Droid be my bitch. If you must know, her name is Gertrude and she’s my personal bitch; she does it all. In one place she keeps track of both my work and my personal appointments so that when I’m visiting shrinky-poo and need to schedule my next appointment I can whip out Gertrude and figure out the most convenient time. Like. A. Boss.

If you don’t have a Gertrude (paws off dammit, this one is mine) then find a system that works for you. The kicker here is it needs to be something you’re going to remember to have with you any time you need to know what your busy social calendar looks like.

Productivity

Most of us aren’t always satisfied with how much we’re getting done. And in all honesty, I don’t think the normies are either, they just aren’t talking about it like we are. But there are a few things we can do about that.

If you’ve ever read this blog before you probably picked up on the fact that I set 5 goals for myself every week. I think goals are fucking awesome. Make them a little hard, but not impossible. Give yourself a time frame to get them done in. Make them as specific as you can. And then do your best.

If you have a goal or a project that you want to get done that seems to big or just totally beyond being doable, just break that shit down.

DJ, give me a beat…

• What are the smallest possible chunks you could do?
• Do they need to be done in order?
• Make yourself a plan – 10 minutes a day, 30 minutes, hour?
• Then, in the immortal words of some flunky at the ad agency used by Nike, JUST DO IT!

top 10 tuesday returns

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, DBT, depression, effective coping skills, goals, life, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sleep, stress, stress management, top 10, top 10 tuesday

Hiya kids! Welcome to another installment of Top 10 Tuesday. This week I’ve decided to share some effective coping skills / tips & tricks I’ve picked up over the last 9ish years. I need to point out right about now that yours truly has a dual diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder II and Borderline Personality Disorder, so I’ve gone through DBT and that’s where I picked up a good chunk of this.

I’m not trained in delivering DBT and I’m sure as fuck not a medical professional so what I’m offering here are just suggestions for things that I find effective. Your mileage may vary.

M’kay, let’s roll…

1. Control:  First and foremost I would like to remind you, gentle reader, that you are human. (shocking, I know) As humans we are imperfect creatures. We do not always make the most effective decisions when faced with a choice. I would encourage you to strive for gentleness in all things but in particular when dealing with yourself. And do your best not to judge, others or yourself. Judgements can lead to emotional pain and that’s not very effective. Learn to recognize the difference between the things you can control and things you can’t. Do your best to make informed choices when you have control and to roll with it when you don’t. Acknowledge it, learn from it, and move on.
2. Staying Organized:  I thrive on structure and routine. My keys are always hung on the hook in the entryway when I’m at home, in the small outer pocket of my purse when I’m carrying that, or in the top flap pocket of my backpack when I’m carrying it. If I don’t do things the same way every time I confuse myself. By doing the small things like that the same way consistently I’ve found that I can free up some of my limited brain power for other, more interesting to me, things. It also minimizes the stress I would feel should I have to hunt for stuff.
3. Put it on Paper:  This kind of goes with staying organized I guess. Anything I need to remember is immediately documented otherwise it’s gone. I have an app on my phone that allows me to keep a to do list with reminder notifications, I keep a small notebook in my purse and another in my backpack, and I use the Tasks feature in Outlook for my work stuff. This is another stress minimizer. If I don’t feel the stress in the first place then I don’t have to spend time trying to reduce the impact of it on my day.
4. Set Goals:  The weekly goals thing I do really does help me to not only get things done but also challenge myself. I set them to be just a little on the difficult side, but not all of them and not always. I’ve learned that nothing breeds success for me like success. (say wha…?) No, really. If you’re able to set yourself up to succeed you are more likely to succeed again. Start small and build your way up. Try it, you might like it. And I have faith in you.
5. Get Active:  I have learned over the years that few things will help level my mood, reduce anxiety, and help me sleep more than getting a little exercise. My preference is to walk on the treadmill for at least 15 minutes. Lately I’ve been increasing my speed and adding a little incline to make it slightly more challenging and I’m trying to 5x a week. But it is utterly amazing what a difference a brisk walk will make for me.
6. Good Nutrition:  There is a saying in the tech world, “garbage in, garbage out” and it holds true for fuck near everything. If you put garbage (junk food) in your body then you really shouldn’t expect it to perform well. Aim for a balanced diet that includes a variety of stuff including whole grains, fruits, veggies, lean meats, and a little chocolate. Seriously, don’t tell yourself that there are things you can’t have (unless you’re allergic, then totally don’t eat that shit) but try to be aware of serving sizes and exercise a little moderation.
7. Relax:  Make time every day to do something that you enjoy and that you’re good at. (success breeds success, remember?) Your brain and body need some time to unwind and just hang loose. For me this is an every evening thing. At 8pm I take my bedtime meds, turn off the electronics, turn on the stereo, and do something creative. I need that time to feel like me.
8. Know When to Retreat:  Some days you’re the dog and some days you’re the hydrant, that’s just life. There will be times when going back to bed and hiding under the covers feels like the best option. So do it. But then tomorrow you need to get back up and start kicking ass again. It’s a tactical thing really. You retreat, rally the troops, build your strength back up, and come out swinging.
9. Make the Most of What You’ve Got:  My assumption is that we all have tools available to us that could help make our lives a little easier, we just need to identify them and utilize them in the most effective ways possible. The #1 tool in my arsenal is my phone. I have a Motorola Droid Ultra smartphone and I make that little fucker do everything. I have a white noise app to help me sleep, the Fitbit app so I can see my progress during the day and help track my sleep and food intake (when I can be bothered to log that shit), an app so I can listen to audio books while I walk, my task app (with a reminder setup for every night at 8pm so that I don’t forget my pills), email apps for my personal and work accounts, a calendar app that ties in my personal and work info, every mailing address I could possibly need entered with my contacts… You get the idea. I also use pill trays, 3 of them, to keep track of my pills which makes it super easy to see if I forgot a dose of something. It doesn’t have to be electronic/expensive/or fancy, but I bet you’ve got something you can turn into your little personal assistant.
10. Chaos:  I’ve learned the hard way that physical chaos in my surroundings leads to an almost complete inability to be productive. I pick up after myself every night before bed, I put all of my shit at the office away when I leave for the day, and I’m trying to keep the crap in my immediate line of sight at my work areas to a minimum. You might not be bothered by this, but I sure as fuck am. Clutter is an evil thing in my world and I’m trying to eliminate as much of it as possible.

mental health thursday – a post in pictures

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, depression, family, friends, hypomania, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, normal, stress, stress management

I have survived (so far)

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anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, crochet, getting creative, getting healthy, health, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress

Here’s an update on the week that isn’t exactly the weekly goals update…

Since last Friday Josh has seen the GP 6 times (including today). The infection still isn’t really clearing up like it should be. Now you can actually feel the tunnel that runs beneath the skin and links the two sites. It’s disgusting to say the least. All of the stress from this has been causing difficulties between us that finally came to a head last night. In retrospect I feel like I handled things pretty well. I smoked a little, walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes, and just focused on taking care of me for a little while. Things are, for now, better.

I was off work at 10am yesterday and make really good use of my time. Mom and I got a bunch of stuff loaded in my jeep and hauled it to Goodwill, had lunch, made grocery lists, ran to Kohl’s, and went to two grocery stores. I got two of the bathrooms cleaned, all of my laundry done including the bedding, cleaned out my backpack, organized the linen cupboard in the upstairs bathroom, filled all 3 of my pill trays for the week, and had time to spend on my butt on the sofa crocheting in front of the new TV. Not a bad day at all.

Yesterday I walked 4.18 miles which is 9,711 steps. And no, not all of that was from the treadmill. A significant portion had to do with going to 3 stores and walking up and down all the steps in this joint while cleaning yesterday. But I must say, I love the Fitbit. Oh, and I lost another 1.5lbs. So yay.

Amazingly enough there’s still a ton to do. I hope y’all are having a good weekend and are enjoying whatever you’re doing to relax.

Love, Mama

dear drama llama…

Tags

alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, depression, getting creative, health, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sleep, stress

Stress effects everyone differently, but you can rest assured that it effects us all. Stress can be good, like the kind that drives us to do our best on a project. It can also be bad, like the kind that emotionally cripples us and leaves us in a heap on the floor. But we don’t have to let bad stress make us it’s bitch. Here are some of the ways that I help to combat my stress.

Humor

Dear Drama Llama,
We’ve spent a lot of time together lately, so much in fact that my dear friends Productivity and Sleep are getting concerned. I think they’re right, it’s time for you and I to take a break from each other. Let’s just reschedule. Does the Tuesday after NEVER work for you? Let me know. Kthxbai.

It’s a lot harder to cry when you’re busy laughing.

Exercise

Physical activity releases good chemicals into our bodies that make us feel good and when we feel good it’s easier to deal with stress. I also find that when I’m stressed I have nervous energy that makes it hard to sleep and exercising helps to burn that off. My preferred form of exercise is walking. I have a treadmill at home and I love it. The days I make time to walk I feel noticeably better.

Nutrition

Food is fuel for our bodies and the higher quality fuel we put in, the better our bodies run. This is never more true than when we’re stressed. I know how tempting it is to reach for the junk food and chocolate, but try to resist. If you need something crunchy to work out a little aggression, go for raw veggies like carrots or fresh apples. Fruit can take the place of something sweet like chocolate and is extra treat-like if you freeze it (cherries are my favorite for this). Tempting as it may be, do your best to stay away from alcohol. Stress and alcohol do not mix.

Make time for something you enjoy

Even when we have so much going on that it seems like time to relax is a luxury we really need to make time for ourselves. Our brains need time to unwind and chew on something other than what’s stressing us out. I take an hour every evening right before bed to draw or knit or play with nanoblocks. It really does make a difference. And it leads me to another biggie…

Sleep

I know first-hand how hard it is to get enough sleep when you’re stressed, and how sometimes it’s hard because all you want to do is sleep, but a good balance is what we all need. Most folks need somewhere between 7 and 9 hours every night. I fall right in the middle, happiest with about 8. Getting some physical activity every day, before dinner, helps. Staying away from caffeine or other things that stimulate you helps. Doing something relaxing for awhile before bedtime helps. And turning off the electronics for an hour before you lay down helps.

Follow doc’s orders

I have an Rx from shrinky-poo for anxiety meds that help with stress. I’m allowed 2100mg per day but usually only take 1200. It helps knowing that I have room to increase safely but I really do find that handling at least some of it with diet, exercise, and relaxing activities works much better for me. But I really can’t encourage y’all enough to talk to your mental health care provider about the kinds of stress you normally have and what the best ways are for you to help address it.