something personal, perhaps?

Tags

divorce, Evie Cat, friends, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, money, moods, motivation, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

I realize that posting this morning about my med regime is quite personal, but I wanted to pop in and just sort of, well, you know – chat. How utterly house frau of me. But honestly, I know that many of you – well, at least a few of you – have expressed giving a rat’s ass about the goings on at Chez Mama and I didn’t want to leave you hanging.

Interesting Thing #1

There are now passwords on my cell phone and my laptop. It’s actually the same, quite rude, password. I realized that guarding the access to certain things was probably a good idea.

Interesting Thing #2

I am getting a shitload of stuff done lately. I’m not really spending much time worrying about what Josh is doing, or spending much time with him, and that means I have more time to do things I would like to do. Loving that.

Interesting Thing #3

I went to the grocery store on my way home from work tonight. This isn’t really interesting in and of itself, except that this is – I think – the very first time I’ve felt ok doing that since we’ve been married. I had things I needed, I didn’t want to come home just to see him only to have to head out again. And I took my time. I looked at things I might want. I didn’t purposely drag my feet, but I also didn’t rush to make sure I got home before he left. I got here about 15 minutes after he left and I do not feel deprived one single bit. Also, I took off my little cardigan and walked around in just a spaghetti strap tank top thereby flaunting a good amount of ink. It felt fabulous.

Interesting Thing #4

I’ve kept up with the drawing. This is my latest, not quite finished, piece.

I’m just not quite sure what color to make the open areas. I’m contemplating a very light blue or possibly silver.

Interesting Thing #5

He is either completely oblivious to what’s going on, or doesn’t care. Last night he did finally realize that he needed to register for the Fall term at school and got most of the way into the system before asking me how to finish. That’s progress, but I’m thinking “too little/too late” right about now. I’m still being pleasant, but not really overly anything.

And apparently I can’t write a post that doesn’t include lots of weird ass pictures. Whatevs.

Anyway, things are going well. I feel appropriately in control of the situation, and that’s really nice for a change. Today was payday – the first with my new raise on it – and that was also really nice. I’m not rolling in the dough, but I should be able to keep Evie in kibble for awhile. I might actually sit down with my budget tonight and see what needs to happen. Someone needs to start making a legitimate contribution to the finances, like now.

cocktail, anyone?

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, sick, sleep, stress, tardive dyskinesia, when good meds go bad

One of the many delightful things those of us living with mental illnesses get to deal with is medication, or medicationS. My doc has always referred to this combination of meds as a cocktail, and I’ve heard that term used by many others. Unlike your typical margarita, a mental health med cocktail will normally be made up of a group of meds that work together to manage a person’s symptoms. The trick is finding the right combination.

Since being diagnosed almost 10 years ago, I’ve taken a whole host of medications. Some did nothing, some did things entirely too well even at the lowest dose, some didn’t interact with the core meds right, one left me with a really rotten ass facial tic, and one damn near killed me. Good times.

The thing that I find fascinating is how two people who have very similar or even the same Dx will end up on different – successful – cocktails. This is always, in my experience, due to the different ways the symptoms of the illness manifest. Let me see if I can illustrate this using Josh and myself.

We both have Bipolar Disorder type 2. I have an additional Dx of Borderline Personality Disorder, he has an additional Dx of Attention Deficit Disorder. We both have trouble sleeping. We both have highly addictive personalities.

I don’t remember back to the very beginning of my freshly diagnosed days that well. (too much booze and too many pills will do that to you) I remember being tried on a different anti-depressant while in the hospital and getting extremely suicidal. I think I was put on Lithium pretty early. I also remember having been on Seroquel, Topomax, Abilify, Geodon, Klonopin, Xanax, and Lamictal. There are almost certainly some that I don’t remember.

• Seroquel turned me into a fucking zombie and is in the same chemical family as Geodon which produced a side effect called Tardive Dyskinesia. It’s rotten. That’s where the facial tic came from. No more of either of those, or any of the other meds in that family.
• Topomax made anything carbonated taste like sewer water. That was it.
• Abilify stopped working after awhile, though I think it was supposed to help with the mood stabilization.
• Klonopin was entirely too addictive, as was Xanax. They were both prescribed for anxiety, something I have a lot of trouble with.
• Lamictal damn near killed me. It was supposed to end up as a replacement for Lithium. Sadly, I started to develop Stevens-Johnson Syndrome. Nothing quite like hives in your mucous membranes – all of them.

Lithium has been my constant companion through all of this. Additionally right now I take Depakote, Gabapentin, Melatonin, and Benadryl. I know – Melatonin and Benadryl are not strictly psych meds, but they’re essential for knocking my ass out every night.

Josh was diagnosed earlier this year. He takes Seroquel XR for the Bipolar and Adderall XR for the ADD. To handle his sleep issues he takes Ambien. That’s it. Right now his symptoms are well controlled with just that.

The Adderall goes in first thing in the morning and is pretty much what gets him moving. He also drinks roughly 3 quarts of coffee before noon. Yes, he does vibrate.

The Seroquel goes in with dinner and makes him act a little drunk. The Ambien goes in around 9:30 and, in combination with the Seroquel, produces wicked munchies right before passing out. The Ambien also makes him act drunk since it works on the same reactors in the brain that alcohol does.

Am I a little jealous? You bet your ass I am. But my body chemistry is so incredibly fucked up that it’s really nothing short of a miracle that anything works for me.

looky there, a whole collection of weird

Tags

7 weeks of weird

What is the weirdest thing you collect?

Husbands?

In all honesty, I collect several different things, none of which are overly weird – at least not in my mind.

There’s the squirrels.

They live on top of my desk at work. Bonus shot of husband-butt.

That’s a slightly better view of them.

And the roses.

That one is an original watercolor painting that I’ve had for 20 years. It hangs in my office now.

This one is a shrinky-dink rose that Josh drew for me. I also have a Swarovski crystal rose, a wooden puzzle box rose from my sister, an oil painting hanging in my office, a ceramic rose, a bouquet of purple duct tape roses from the kid, there’s a small filet crochet rose valance along the top of my desk at home, several decorative plates featuring roses, and a very large red plush rose from Josh. And these assorted pretties that live at the office…

One of those is metal (copper, I think), one is leather, one is very thin wood, one is a painted shell, and the one hanging out of the blue/green vase is beaded.

He also started me a collection of dragonflies.

That guy has a wingspan of close to 3ft. I also have a much smaller painted glass dragonfly, a painted glass candle holder, a brick-stitch beaded dragonfly that I made, and a very tiny pewter dragonfly mounted on a flat blue glass marble that my youngest niece is fascinated by.

That’s the beaded one I did. He hangs off my desk.

I am also quite fond of things with Celtic knot work.

I’ve got a few Green Man pieces and some really lovely green glass suncatchers stamped with Celtic motifs as well.

So really, I don’t think any of this is necessarily weird, but it is a rather interesting assortment of collections.

While you’re hanging out on the interwebs, why not go check out this collection of weird people?

• Farmer Farthing
• Knocked Over by a Feather
• Alice at Wonderland
• RosieSmrtiePants
• WeeGee
• Not a Punk Rocker
• Rose B. Fischer: Herding Muses
• Green Embers
• The Indecisive Eejit
• Marbles, Dandelions, String
• Fish of Gold
• Wanna Be Uncool
• Adventures of a Girl Gamer
• Easy
• Piglove

If I’ve missed anyone I apologize, just make sure to add your name to the list.

 

in other news…

Tags

coolest aunt ever, Evie Cat, kids, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, recipes, stress

I had a relatively boring day, which was incredibly lovely. No one yelled at me, no one made unreasonable demands, I was able to resolve some issues for folks, I had a wonderful lunch that was last night’s left-over dinner (recipe below), and I made a lovely little sketch at lunch. AND, (pardon me for the TMI here) I had normal potty happenings. It’s been grand. Perhaps the best part of all is that today is Tuesday, and Tuesday is a school day.

So I have already washed the detestable undergarments, filled both of Evie’s water glasses, selected tomorrow’s outfit, and dealt with my lunch dishes. And now… Now we relax.

Wanna see my pictures? They’re kind of cool.

This is a peacock I drew, and a little poem he inspired. The drawing was based on this necklace I have.

Not quite identical, but I think he’s nifty. He’s actually the reason I went and got my very own set of colored pencils. I felt like he deserved LOTS of shades of blue.

This little guy was today’s attempt. The silver squirrel was my inspiration. I did this at lunch, while talking to Josh, and it took about 10 minutes. I think he’s a fairly realistic representation of the original and I’m quite proud of him. I’m not sure if I’ll add the color tonight or wait until later. For now I’m still trying to stick with recreating things I can look at. Pulling images entirely out of my imagination still feels entirely too uncomfortable. And no, I still haven’t gotten to my CCC entry for this week. I’m sure y’all have figured out it’ll be a pic of Evie Cat. I just need to select the perfect picture to draw from.

Ok, on to the recipe! I used to share recipes on this blog on a sort of regular basis, and then for some reason I stopped. Anyway, this is totally easy and turns out entirely lovely.

Mama’s Sausage and Potato Bake

• 6 sausages – the ones that are like slightly fat hot dogs but made of real meat, I usually go with the Smoked Brat flavor of Johnsonville sausages but any nice sausage will do
• 1 medium onion
• 1 red bell pepper
• 5 medium white potatoes
• 1 stick of butter, melted
• Lawry’s Season Salt, or any seasoning of your choosing

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. (this can also be done on a grill over medium-ish heat) I usually do this in a disposable aluminum pan because I don’t like to wash pans. Cut the sausages into 1/2″ or so thick slices, cut the onion into slivers, cut the pepper into smallish chunks, cut the potatoes into 1/2″ or so chunks – throw all of that into the pan. Put the seasoning into the butter and then dump it into the pan. Stir it all well to coat. Toss it into the oven, stirring now and again, about 45 minutes or until the potatoes are as tender as you prefer.

That was what was left for my lunch today, so I’d say it serves about 4 people. And, it reheats in the microwave beautifully.

In case you were wondering, the Coolest Aunt Ever made an appearance again this weekend.

It’s the finger nails you’re supposed to be looking at. That’s what happens when you let a 6 year old dolly talk you into a manicure. PS – that beautiful peacock green does not come off well.

I’ll leave you with the mandatory “Mama Feels Better, Look, There’s a Kitty” picture.

“What? I don’t have thumbs to pick this fucking thing up with! How about instead of taking a picture you go get me some that’s cold, eh?”

church of the snowflake

Tags

church of the snowflake, religion

I want/need to post an update about what happened last night with Josh, but I’m not ready yet. Nothing major happened and I’m fine, don’t worry. I’m just still processing some of what was said.

But Fish of Gold made a comment in her post yesterday about religion that got me thinking and wondering if I’d ever actually shared my religious philosophy with y’all. If I have, please forgive me. If not, prepared to be underwhelmed. And welcome, to the Church of the Snowflake…

Believe in the higher power of your understanding, call him or her what you’d like – we don’t mind. But don’t tell me that what I call my higher power is wrong, or that my beliefs are wrong. BE NICE. If you want to send prayers to an old white haired fella that you call God, that is awesome. But don’t tell me that I can’t send my prayers to Ceiling Cat, or Shiva, or kneel and face Mecca when I pray. BE NICE. You want to go to a pretty building once a week and pray there? Go for it. You want to use your spare time and your spare sheckles to help people in the name of your higher power? That is super, make sure you’re NICE to them. Do your best to not hurt people, physically or emotionally. Say NICE things, don’t be mean. Do not ever tell someone else that your higher power is better than theirs. Do not ever tell someone that they’re going to end up in your hell just because their beliefs do not precisely mirror yours. BE NICE. Don’t send us money, we don’t need it. Be kind to your brothers and sisters and the animals. If you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your fucking mouth shut until you do. Amen, pass the gravy.

the side of Mama you don’t often see

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, sick, sleep, the world is full of fucking idiots

Things are not really going well, and it makes me sad to say that. I had the worst weekend I’ve had in a very, VERY long time. Josh and I just couldn’t seem to get along to save our skins. I pulled out every skill I could muster to make things right again and was met with nothing but sarcasm and a thoroughly shitty attitude.

I pointed out to him that I only really get sick anymore when I’m stressed, and that the stress was very clearly coming from him.

“Go take another fucking pill then, I can’t tolerate you.”

In essence, everything since 4am on Saturday has been my fault. I’ve been picking on him. I’ve been a bitch. I’m intolerable. I haven’t done a single thing right.

I haven’t slept since Friday. I’ve been sick almost non-stop. My other leg is now flaring and I’m having to wear a support garment under my jeans just to keep the opening from draining too bad. And then this morning I didn’t pay close enough attention and poured sour milk all over my breakfast and didn’t realize it was sour until I’d finished it.

So the point I’m at right now with him is contempt. There is no love anymore. I am being decent to him purely because it requires less effort. I’ll say whatever hollow words the conversation requires to keep him from yelling at me again – it means nothing. But…

I’m not paying any of his bills anymore.

I’m not helping him with his school paperwork or getting registered for the next set of classes.

I’m not making any more sandwiches for his lunch.

I’m not folding or putting away any of his laundry.

I’m not picking up after him anymore. He’s a grown fucking man.

I’m not making any more of his medical appointments, including with his shrink.

When we first got married I would go through times when I didn’t think it would last at all. I’d get pissed about something, yell at him, he’d yell back, and we’d work things out. This is the longest things have been bad, and it’s been a very long time since we’ve had something escalate like this. But I’m done. I deserve better than this.

When he insisted on calling at lunch, at the end, he said some paltry thing about how he was sorry and things would be better. Had he said that shit Saturday morning, maybe I’d have believed him. But now, 2 days later – no, that is just more bullshit that means nothing coming from a man who has spent the entire weekend shitting on the best thing that ever happened to him (his words, not mine).

building rome – weekly update

Tags

building rome, creativity, goals, reach for the stars

I want to start by saying thanks to those of you who left me feedback on my post. I appreciate your input on the colors and I hope you’ll find this scheme a little easier, I know I do. Sometimes I can’t see the forest for all the damn trees and I need someone else to give me a nudge in a more effective direction. If you feel like perhaps a nudge in a more effective direction would be helpful for you, consider joining the Building Rome crew.

Last week’s goals:

• Keep working on scanning the pictures. I’d like to get a total of 100 images scanned. I kept going with this, but I don’t think I scanned quite that many pictures. One thing I did find was that a lot of the prints that I’ve been hanging on to, I really didn’t want anymore – such as scenery from really old vacations. So in that regard I feel like I was still quite successful.
  
• Keep at least one day ahead of where I am currently with scheduled posts. This should ensure that the only time y’all go post-less around here is on the weekends, and maybe not even then. Wow, this was just too vague in my mind. I am far enough ahead that I don’t feel pressured right now, so I’m going to call that good. Since I really do feel that this helps with my anxiety levels, I’m going to keep going with it next week.
• Bump those creative things up to 4x. Cartoon Challenge doesn’t get to count for this! More than 4x actually if you count the multiple new banners and the various bits of sketching I did. YAY!
• Take the feedback I get on this post and use it to make next week’s update even better. Done!

Established Goals for every week:

• Take pills every morning. This has been remarkably easy now that I’ve taken the vitamins out of the equation. Shrinky-poo is insisting I take a vitamin D pill, but taking it at night is working much better.
• Make bed and tidy living space every morning. Done (enough).
  
• Do something creative at least 3x per week. Done!
• Keep a list of one good thing that happens every day. Done! I’m finding that I really enjoy this and look forward to writing that post every Sunday.
• Participate in the Cartoon Craziness Challenge. If you missed it, this was my version of Wonder Woman. I am simply loving this challenge.

Goals for this week:

• Keep scanning/sorting the picture prints.
• Do a sketch at least 3x that is not tied to the Cartoon Challenge.
• Do something creative (which is neither a sketch or the CC) at least 3x.

This is fewer goals than I normally do, but the start of the Fall semester is fast approaching at work and things at home are not going well right now AT ALL. In all honesty, I haven’t slept much since Friday and I don’t really see an end to this in the near future. I suspect there may be some big life changes on the horizon for Mama and I don’t want to add to my emotional burden any more than necessary. But I need the goals to keep me going.

attitude of gratitude

Tags

attitude of gratitude, building rome, goals

I’m going to do this like last week – this is my list of “one good thing” that happened each day over the last week, which is part of my Established Goals for Building Rome. The longer I do this exercise, the more I realize how much it makes me stop and re-frame my life. There really is a whole lot more good going on than most of us realize.

• 7/21 – had an all around amazing day; got tons done at work, cooked a phenomenal meal, and drew a great cartoon – all thanks to taking the anxiety pills
• 7/22 – the presentation I’ve been preparing for went well in spite of my technical ineptitude; did a simple sketch of some lilac blossoms in my mini-sketch book while at work
• 7/23 – drew a very good, not at all real looking, flower and then added good color with Josh’s special watercolor pencils
• 7/24 – had a phenomenal evening hanging with Mom; had dinner out and then ran to the grocery store and laughed damn near the whole time
• 7/25 – got to spend some time with friends
• 7/26 – went for a pedicure with Mom
• 7/27 – got to see my beautiful nieces

What made you happy this past week?

an award for little ol’ me

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award

The lovely Diana of Trying to Make Things Right has nominated me for a Liebster Award. I suck at these things. I never know who to nominate or what questions to ask, but I have fun answering the other person’s questions. So in true Mama fashion, I’m cheating.

1. If you had one wish what would it be? That the doctors and scientists could find ways to keep people from suffering so much. I get that we all have to die, I just wish it wasn’t such a terrible process sometimes.
2. If you could change one law, what would it be and why? I believe that marriage equality should be in the constitution. Every adult human being deserves to be able to marry the adult human being they love. Period.
3. What is your favorite movie? What Dreams May Come
4. What is your dream job? Pretty much what I’m doing right now except I’d like to be able to teach one “real” course every semester in addition to the one-off training classes I do. Something like Digital Literacies or Information Design would be fun.
5. If you could travel to a different time period, when would it be? It would be really interesting to travel back to when King Arthur should have been around – as long as I can take my own toilet paper.
6. Do you love zombies, if not why? I think the idea of zombies is almost a little too plausible to be entertaining for me. But I loved the movie “Warm Bodies” and I thought that idea of the zombies being cured by human compassion and love was wonderful. I’m not all that fond of The Walking Dead, mostly because Josh watches it in bed while I’m trying to sleep.
7. Who is your favorite actor/actress? Hmm, not sure I have a favorite. I’ll see damn near anything Robert Downey, Jr. or Jeff Bridges puts out, same with Nicholas Cage. I’m also rather fond of Mary Louise Parker. I tend to go for folks who aren’t so “pretty” but end up playing smart and/or funny characters. The story is way more important to me than who’s in the movie.
8. Do you now or have you ever had a nickname? Several, but all family ones. My mom used to call me Erin Angel when I was very small. When I got older and would help her around the house I somehow became Gunga-din. Mostly now it’s Josh calling me Sexy Mama. The name Erin just doesn’t lend itself to any nicknames, and that always kind of bummed me out a little.
9. What would you want your last meal to be? Um, not to be the cause of my death? j/k Probably Mom’s lasagna. She makes the best damn lasagna EVER. Sadly, with only the 3 of us now, it’s not that practical to make a big pan of it.
10. What is your biggest fear? Being alone. More specifically that both Mom and Josh will die before I do and I’ll have no fucking idea how to take care of myself.
11. Do you think im awesome? lol  Of course you’re awesome, you read my blog!

So since I don’t like nominating people, I’m going to invite anyone who’s interested (or in dire need of something to blog about) to consider yourself nominated and answer my list of random questions.

1. What is your favorite breakfast?
2. When you need to cheer yourself up, what music do you go for?
3. What is your favorite family tradition?
4. What should your headstone read?
5. What is your middle name?
6. Where did you go on your favorite vacation?
7. How do you like your eggs prepared?
8. What is your personal mission statement?
9. Do you feel as though you are a grown up yet?
10. What is the most unusual thing you’ve ever done to or with your hair?
11. What kind of chocolate do you prefer?

picture pages, picture pages…

Tags

random shit that falls out of my brain

It’s Friday and I feel a little funky. In a good way. Like this…

So anyway, now that you’ve had some good music, how about some funny pics. I think this well we’ll delve into my “random” folder and see what we have with the word “fuck.” Yeah…

A classic

How about that Care Bear stare?

Aww yeah…

Scientifically proven

BWAHAHAHAHA!

Indeed it is

That’s right bone-man

Gotta love Betty White

Ayup

Too bad all my light switches go the other direction

In case you haven’t ventured out lately, here’s a few things I’d like to update you on.

• I have joined the Twitter so that I don’t have to harass everyone when I need to spew a little something. My username is MentalMama76 and I think there’s a button over there —-> somewhere so you can follow me. Just be warned – my back-up beeper isn’t working right now.
• With some help from mommyx4boys, I am going to launch another “challenge.” It will be photo/image based, run for 8 weeks, and have a theme each week. I’m going to do my damndest to get all of the details up this weekend.