what the hell is that smell?

Tags

anxiety, becoming me, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, divorce, family, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, sick, sleep, stress, taking back control of my life, the world is full of fucking idiots

No matter how many times you try to polish it, a turd is still just a turd. Oddly enough, it’s taken me more than 5 years to realize this. Probably more than that in all honesty, but 5 years for this particular instance.

I’m really mostly a kind, gentle soul that doesn’t like hurting anyone for any reason. As T-bone described it earlier, beneath my hard as nails exterior is a gooey marshmallow center. That is totally true, most of the time.

But we all have our limits and I’ve reached mine.

This blog wasn’t around when Josh and I started dating, which is really a good thing. There was a blog, under a different name, and it’s since been deleted. By me. I was just coming out of the worst stretch of my life in regards to my mental health and I was a little bit beyond batshit crazy.

But I did a year of DBT, I went through even more therapy after that, kept taking my meds like a good kid, and doing all the stuff the doc said to do. And because of all that hard work and the support of some amazing folks, I haven’t seen the inside of an ambulance, an ICU, or a psych ward since February 2010. Totally proud of that.

Since that time I’ve finished a Master’s degree, started and finished a graduate certificate (got a 4.0GPA on it, too), taught myself to knit sweaters and socks, learned to draw, and I’ve been ridiculously stable.

None of that actually has a fucking thing to do with Josh. Not a bit. In that same span of time he finally quit drinking every night, enrolled in some classes at the community college where he is doing the bare minimum to get by, and has maybe quit smoking. Possibly. But according to him everything good that happens is because of him and everything shitty is because of me. It’s a pretty typical mess one encounters with a pending divorce.

Fights between two people who have mental illnesses like we do and are also incredibly fucking stubborn are just nuts. We try to out-stubborn the other, we say truly shitty things, and there is not an iota of tenderness. It’s all out warfare and I’m sick of it.

I’m taking the blame for it because that seems the easiest way to just shut him the hell up. I’ve already taken some steps to take control of my life, something I haven’t entirely had in a very long time, like maybe ever. I’m reclaiming my preferred persona everywhere I can. So I will likely be making some massive overhauls here and in all areas of my life, and I might be away for a few days. Thank you for the love and support you’ve shown me, recently and always. Y’all mean oodles to me.

so much to tell you

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, divorce, goals, health, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, stress

I’m not really even sure where to begin, which isn’t like me. So let’s see…

I did walk on Friday, only 10 minutes, but still. And my total for the week in terms of weight loss was one pound. I’ll take it.

Josh had the appointment with the cardiologist Friday afternoon. He almost certainly has blockages in his heart and his legs. On Monday he goes in for a scan of his legs and then on Wednesday they’ll do an angiogram. Not sure what they’ll find or when he’ll come home. I honestly don’t think it matters. He isn’t taking any of this seriously and I’ve decided I really don’t care. If he doesn’t love me enough to take care of himself then there’s no point in worrying about any of this.

Mom and I went shopping today, as per our usual Saturday morning fun. We did the big farmer’s market downtown, Kohl’s, Barnes & Noble, and Hallmark. She had some wicked good coupons at Kohl’s and gave them to me so I ended up with a swimming outfit for $1.06. It’s really workout shorts and a tank top that should be alright in the water and will cover the truly unsightly bits on my legs.

This afternoon I got the sewing done on the black and white vest. WOOT! I still need to trim the threads and clean up a few rough edges, but it’s essentially done. I am so fucking excited to see the ass end of that project. The knit shrug is coming along nicely as well, I’m thinking maybe tonight I’ll get to spend a little time with it. Although, maybe not, because…

MENTALTOASTER is a thing! My friend got the URL registered, WordPress is installed, and now we’re working on some final details and what it should look like. My intention is for it to be a positive place where anyone wanting to get or give support on nutritional/health type issues can go, particularly if that person also has mental health issues. I will definitely let y’all know when everything is live and ready to roll.

the (viscous and entirely rotten) cycle of mental health from the viewpoint of someone with bipolar and borderline

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, getting healthy, health, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress, stress management

Wow, doesn’t life just suck some turds sometimes? Honestly, things were going great in my little world and then BAM! All of a sudden I’ve quit smoking, the diet is really changing, and the old man may or may not have a serious heart condition. I feel little like I’ve been handled in a way which is sexually inappropriate and A) not offered adequate lubrication, and B) not been kissed afterwards.

This SUCKS.

And because my stress levels have rocketed through the ever-loving roof, my skin condition is flaring up. And my neck/shoulder muscles are tight again. And this afternoon my irritable bowels decided to be irritable.

Come on man, now this shit REALLY SUCKS.

But it’s like that for those of us living with a mental health condition. What effects our physical health will end up effecting our mental health, and the other way ’round. It’s like a two-fer that NO ONE WANTS. Or a buy one, get one sale on second-hand toothbrushes. Or… (insert your own icky metaphor here, and share in the comments please)

For me it’s all too easy to let the cycle get entirely out of control. Take for example this fine shitstain of a week. I haven’t walked yet at all. Not once. And the less I walk the harder it is to sleep. The harder it is to sleep, the harder it is to get up early enough to walk. You feel me, right? Dig it.

So the cycle has to stop, and I have to be the one to do it. Tomorrow morning, no matter how much I don’t want to or I hurt or I’m tired, I will be getting my fat little ass on that treadmill. (after I weigh myself) If I don’t, then the skin condition bullshit and the stress and the mental stuff, it all wins. And I am not spending my time on this little blue ball letting something other than me determine what wins.

the excitement is just never-fucking-ending

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, family, getting creative, goals, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress

Bear with me kids, I’m unbelievably tired right now. Well, unbelievably for me considering I got a full night’s sleep and I’ve actually had time to eat some nutritious food today. I could seriously go for a margarita and a nap.

I got up at 5am, got on the treadmill, worked on the black & white vest for a few minutes, and got on with my day. For some reason when I got to work it just sort of all went downhill, but not in a bad way. More in a “holy fuck, is there actually a brain in my skull or did someone sneak in and replace it with Folgers?” kind of way. I got shit done but it was slow and painful and probably funny to watch.

So we went and saw the dermatologist this afternoon. She was delightful as always. I told her that Josh has been doing the same kinds of preventative shit that I do and what happened with this latest flare. She looked at his ass-crater and offered some more intensive options. She also said she would 100% endorse going ahead with the surgery.

As of June 22 Josh will truly be a half-assed husband.

Ok, not quite, but it’s funny. Sort of. Between now and then we each have a psych appointment and I have a therapy appointment. Oy.

Anyway, just wanted to pop in with a small update. My 28 day challenge stuff is going well, I’ve got a box of stuff to take to Goodwill, goals for the week are going well, and for the most part I feel swell.

I have survived (so far)

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, crochet, getting creative, getting healthy, health, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress

Here’s an update on the week that isn’t exactly the weekly goals update…

Since last Friday Josh has seen the GP 6 times (including today). The infection still isn’t really clearing up like it should be. Now you can actually feel the tunnel that runs beneath the skin and links the two sites. It’s disgusting to say the least. All of the stress from this has been causing difficulties between us that finally came to a head last night. In retrospect I feel like I handled things pretty well. I smoked a little, walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes, and just focused on taking care of me for a little while. Things are, for now, better.

I was off work at 10am yesterday and make really good use of my time. Mom and I got a bunch of stuff loaded in my jeep and hauled it to Goodwill, had lunch, made grocery lists, ran to Kohl’s, and went to two grocery stores. I got two of the bathrooms cleaned, all of my laundry done including the bedding, cleaned out my backpack, organized the linen cupboard in the upstairs bathroom, filled all 3 of my pill trays for the week, and had time to spend on my butt on the sofa crocheting in front of the new TV. Not a bad day at all.

Yesterday I walked 4.18 miles which is 9,711 steps. And no, not all of that was from the treadmill. A significant portion had to do with going to 3 stores and walking up and down all the steps in this joint while cleaning yesterday. But I must say, I love the Fitbit. Oh, and I lost another 1.5lbs. So yay.

Amazingly enough there’s still a ton to do. I hope y’all are having a good weekend and are enjoying whatever you’re doing to relax.

Love, Mama

mental health thursday

Tags

bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, hope, life, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, normal, sick, sleep, stress

We haven’t done this in awhile, so I thought maybe we should revisit our little talks about mental health. I have a tendency to get wrapped up in my own little world to the point that I forget that part of what I need to do is spread the word about how “normal” those of us with mental illness really are. Mostly I forget because I’m too busy being normal I guess.

But I want y’all to know that you are not alone. Let me say this again…

Y’ALL AIN’T ALONE.

Even though I don’t often talk about my diagnoses these days that does not mean that I don’t still have issues. I do. HELL YES I do. My diseases have reached what I consider to be the equivalent of remission for someone fighting cancer. They’re still there, they still color my world, but I’m not having to seek crisis intervention on a regular basis. And that feels nice.

My name is Erin and I have Bipolar Disorder II and Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve attempted suicide four times. I’ve been hospitalized more times than I care to recall. I’ve lost friends. I’ve lost the ability to do some of the recreational activities I used to love. I’ve had allergic reactions to meds so severe I was almost hospitalized. I’ve stared down the beast that is depression and I’ve stayed up for 6 days solid, dancing with the beast that is mania.

I have been there, done that, and got the free t-shirt to prove it.

I’ve also started and completed both a Master’s degree and a graduate certificate since being diagnosed. I’ve maintained my full-time job and advanced in my career. I’ve learned to be financially responsible. And I’ve learned that I will feel better if I can help make someone else feel better.

These days I do a whole lot of taking care of me so that I can take care of those I love. I take my meds like a good kid. I eat mostly healthy food and I stay mostly away from alcohol. I try to get good sleep every night. I see my psych doc when I’m supposed to and I make an appointment with my therapist when I feel I need to. And I try to focus on the good stuff. I spend more time with the good things I can still do and less time missing the things I used to do.

We’ll get through this together, we really will. I promise.

top 10 Tuesday – mental health style

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, family, friends, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, money, moods, motivation, sick, stress, top 10 tuesday

I haven’t done a Top 10 Tuesday in awhile now, and I realized that it’s high past time. So, for today’s Mental Health style list I present for you my Top 10 Stupid Things I Did While Manic.

1. Had an affair with my husband’s best friend.
2. Bought an Infinity G35 for a guy I had met once.
3. Moved in with a guy I met in the Special Care Ward.
4. Had that schmuck’s name tattooed on my back.
5. Racked up $20k in credit card debt buying random crap. (I don’t have any of it anymore)
6. Became obsessed with a guy who lived in a different country and when shit didn’t go good with him I OD’d.
7. Pushed away damn near everyone who cared about me.
8. Had sex with any guy who was even remotely nice to me because in my mind (back then) sex = love.
9. Drank so much I honestly pickled my liver. (it has since recovered)
10. Made a 2 hour round trip twice a week for several weeks to visit another schmuck who was in the regional mental health facility. I was his chewing tobacco mule.

My life has not always been glorious or glamorous or even all that worth living. But I’ve been working on all of this for quite a while now, at least 5 years, and life is dramatically different. The majority of my debt these days is student loans from my Master’s degree. The name got covered up. The car got sold. I have a group of people who love me and, for some unknown reason, continue to put up with my bullshit.

All of that to say this…

Just because life sucks today doesn’t mean it will still suck tomorrow. Hang in there, keep fighting, keep pushing, you can totally do this. You will totally do this. I believe in you.

afternoon update

Tags

bipolar disorder, Evie Cat, family, friends, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, stress

Dr. Evie Cat prescribes two belly rubs and a box of bandaids

Just a little note to let y’all know how things have gone. I got a prescription from the dermatologist for an antibiotic that I hopefully won’t be allergic to and I went and saw T-Bone. I realized that I really did not like the way my innermost bits felt and that he’d be a good place to start. So we chatted, I bitched, and I feel a little less directionless now. Then I came home and Evie has been glued to my side, which isn’t all that odd. When she hears me cough at night she hops up on the bed to check on me. She’s a good little kitty.

Thank you all for the kind words and letting me kvetch a little this morning. Sometimes I need to whine and feel sorry for myself for a few minutes before I’m ready to kick my own ass. Tomorrow WILL be a better day.

not well

Tags

bipolar disorder, depression, family, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sick, skin conditions, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

I’m waiting for a call back from the dermatologist so that I can hopefully get in for an appointment today or, at the very least, have her call out an Rx for an antibiotic. I have one of those cysts further around towards the back of my leg and it’s draining, a lot. This is good because at least the infection isn’t building up under the surface and making a big painful lump. It’s bad because as it drains the fluid dries on my special shorts and when I get up or move around the fabric moves independent of the skin and rips the scab off.

Wow, that’s really gross just to write it out.

Anyway, it’s making walking and sitting and laying down all kind of painful. And I still have this glorious cold. I was awake most of the night last night thanks to an unpleasant combination of:

• Leg scab thingy
• Cold = coughing non-stop for an hour in the middle of the night
• Josh is an asshole

Evidently I’m not allowed to get sick, or take a day off work, or deviate in any way from a rigid schedule that I allegedly set for myself because when I do, I turn into the World’s Biggest Bitch. I actually expect him to perhaps look at me while he talks to me instead of playing with something electronic or watching the television over my shoulder while I’m trying to tell him that I feel like I’m being replaced by shit with screens. And we can’t actually have something that resembles a normal adult conversation, he has to snap and say the shittiest possible thing at every opportunity. Oh, and it’s gotta happen right when I’m trying to go to bed.

So I’m not feeling great today. Being sick always sucks, but I think being sick when you have a mental health issue sucks even more. There are only a few over the counter meds I can take to help with the cold issues and I’ve been taking that shit pretty religiously for more than a week now. I’m in a holding pattern until I hear from the dermatologist about my skin, but I’m trying to do what I know I’m supposed to. (did you know that you can get Hibiclens in a 32oz bottle? so much cheaper than the little ones)

The only thing I really don’t know what to do about is Josh. While Mom and I worked in the yard on Saturday he took care of most of the inside stuff, which was good. It was a critical tactical error on his part, but it was good for me. (now that he’s proven he can do this shit he’s going to get to do it more often!) And I really didn’t criticize the differences between how he does stuff and how I normally do it. But allegedly I spend 20 minutes out of every 60 being mad at him, giving him dirty looks, and saying mean things to him. If this is true, I don’t understand why he stays. But if I ask him that, I’m starting the next round of shit.

where the hell did I leave off?

Tags

family, gardening, getting creative, goals, knitting, life, moods, motivation, normal, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, sick, sleep

Oy, what a week it was. I still don’t feel completely well, and I haven’t been sleeping great, but I’m sort of on the mend finally. The lack of sleeping is making for a wicked lack of energy though, and I’m about ready to just take a bit of a dirt nap and hope I sprout again.

I have the homework that must be ready for Tuesday done, so that’s good. I do need to finish the last of the bits yet, but the no energy thing has made that hard. I have been knitting and I finished the small book I was ready. That’s been about it as far as relaxing activities in the evenings.

Speaking of which, I didn’t realize until yesterday that I completely blew off doing the weekly goals post this week. I kind of suck. Anyway, I will try to get back on that horse for next week.

I have decided that once I get this semester behind me I’m going to be done with school, at least for awhile. There are so many other things I’d like to be able to devote time to and I’m getting kind of burned out again. Plus, it’s not as though I need more education to do my job. I’m not ruling out the possibility of ever going back, but I do plan to take at least a year off. And what I may do is see what kind of fun I could have over at the community college with their classes.

This summer I plan to work with Mom as much as possible getting the yard the way we’d like it.

That was the way the big flower bed out in the backyard looked last year. This year Mom has decided to have the deck (not seen in this pic) expanded so we had the landscaper who lives down the street shrink this by about half. This isn’t a great time of year to be fucking about with moving bulbs, but we didn’t have much choice. Smack in the middle of the bed was a fountain. My dad had run electricity out to it below ground when they had it installed. Unfortunately it hasn’t happily held water for a few years now. No matter what Mom has tried to seal the basin with it just wouldn’t stay filled. So, I had the brilliant idea to use the base, which was entirely too fucking heavy to have moved, into this…

It needs some moss and probably a few small plants yet, but not bad for a start. We’ve been trying to decide what all we need/want for the new deck and what we’ll be able to grow this year. Next year she’s talking about having raised beds built along the fence. But one bit at a time.

We did get one strawberry pot from the garden center today and a bag of 14 Lily of the Valley bulbs. We’ll have to wait a few more weeks to plant the bulbs but we wanted to make sure we got some. Those will be going into a very small bed by the front door.

I’m hoping that my little corner of the world returns to what passes as normal really fucking quick. This whole being out of sorts bullshit is not cool.