scattered

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, family, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, money, moods, random shit that falls out of my brain, skin conditions, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

I don’t really feel like my brain is whole right now, so bear with me kids.  This will probably be pretty random.

Josh and I finally talked yesterday afternoon, after having spent almost the entire day not saying anything to each other.  I tried telling him again that I’m worried about this because I love him and don’t want to lose him.  And I cried.  You have to realize, I don’t really cry much anymore.  I’ve been through so much bullshit that I have to be pretty well at the end of my rope to let loose with the tears.  What did he do?  Grope me.

*sigh*

I finally, FINALLY, got him to start talking again and we sort of worked things out.  The rest of the evening wasn’t too bad.  Dinner was awesome – Mom’s meatloaf and eggplant casserole – and we watched a little tv.  But Josh got the wrong melatonin and I kind of slept like shit.  Oh well.

*****

One of the things I acquired on Saturday was…  well fuck, I don’t know what it’s called.  It’s like long legged underwear that you wear over underwear and it keeps your thighs from rubbing together.  Those cyst things on my legs are terrible and any time the skin rubs it hurts like hell.  The problem is that I have a fairly extensive collection of skirts that I’d like to wear.  So I finally broke down and bought one of these torture devices.

It’s not terrible, but it’s not super.  The one I got only goes to my waist – you can get them that go clear up to your armpits.  I do hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom quickly today; getting this thing yanked down is a process.  But my legs feel fine so far, and really, that was the whole point of this.

*****

If you’re happy and you know it clamp your hams!

*****

Today would have been my dad’s 67th birthday.  I really thought I was ok with it until Mom wished him happy birthday on Facebook.  It was hard trying to figure out which part of my body to clench to keep the tears from coming.

I had really odd dreams last night about him and my grandma.  They weren’t bad, not at all.  I just always kind of wonder when I dream about either of them if maybe they’re trying to tell me something and if I could just hang on to the dream after I wake up that I’ll be able to figure it out.  But I never do.

*****

So how’s this for fucked up?  My boss has triplet girls, 18 years old.  She had been telling them for ages that she and her husband would put all of them through college, any school they wanted.  They got enrolled at a private school, went up for orientation, and then – less than 30 days before they should have started classes – my boss realized she couldn’t possibly do it for one of the girls, let alone all 3.

She and her husband make GOOD money.  But she shops, near constantly.  She blows more money on bullshit than Josh and I combined make in a month.

So she tells the girls they’re all of a sudden on their own.  And by the way, you need to start paying rent.  And no, I’m not going to help you with anything.  All their lives she’s been spoiling them rotten, giving them absolutely everything they’ve always wanted, and now they’ve been abruptly cut off.

Yesterday she posted a picture of her husband at a race track.  She’d paid for him to be able to drive a race car.

If I was one of those girls, I’m pretty sure I would NEVER speak to her again.

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old dog, old tricks

Tags

alcohol, divorce, hormones, life, limits, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

I think I’ve mentioned that my mom has been on a kick to find the “perfect” Moscato wine.  She likes sweet wines, but can usually only drink about a glass out of the whole bottle.  Anymore I can’t even drink that much.  I’ve tried convincing Josh that wine really can be put back in the fridge to be enjoyed another day, but he usually doesn’t go for that.  So we keep these tasting events to the weekends and rarely does it happen both Friday and Saturday night.

Josh has been acting weird lately.  He ran out of his testosterone gel and didn’t tell me – because he doesn’t think it does anything.  We haven’t had sex for a few days so I don’t know if it’s impacting that yet, but he has been moody like a PMSing woman.  Friday it was really bad.  He and Mom had some wine, we watched some tv, I went to bed.

Yesterday we got up and decided we’d just run errands.  We had breakfast, hit the farmer’s market, went to Bed, Bath, & Beyond and got him some coffee pods, over to Kohl’s for a sweatshirt for Mom and some new clothes for Josh, Culver’s for lunch…  The whole day was full of that kind of stuff.  When we got home Josh ran back out to get Melatonin since we were out.  Mom and I were cleaning up some stuff in the back yard and found an empty wine bottle that shouldn’t have been there.

When Josh got home I setup a situation so that I could “find it” again in front of him.  He refused to apologize and insisted it wasn’t a big deal.  He well and truly doesn’t get that if he go back to drinking every night, I will throw his ass out so hard and fast that he bounces to the curb.

He still wouldn’t really talk to me last night.  He’s just convinced that I treat him like a child and I’m trying to control his life.  Hmm, if you act like you’re only 12, I’m going to fucking treat you like you’re only 12.

I went to bed around 9:30.  He said he was going up for one last cigarette – which is pretty typical.  I woke up at 11:15 and he was gone – still or again, I didn’t know.  I went to the back porch and he was sitting in the chair looking at something on his Nook and smoking.  There were no cups next to him, so I didn’t say anything and just came back in.  When he got down here, he was all over me – just like he’d be if he was drunk.

He’s still sleeping.  I’m not really sure what to do.

pass the milk and cookies, it’s nap time

Tags

bipolar disorder, family, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, normal, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

I’ve been going pretty well non-stop since I got here this morning.  I actually got up mostly on time and was only maybe 5 minutes late.  I spent a few minutes talking to K – bitching really – and then dove right in.  My boss came in late, screwed around for awhile, and then went to the student center for a jewelry sale.  For another 30 minutes.  K and I stayed in our offices and worked.

Good ol’ Kyle continues to be a pain in the ass.  He’s convinced he knows more than me about what’s going on.  He’d sent an email late yesterday saying that the one operating system evidently wasn’t the problem.  Today he’s changed his mind.  And now at least one of his students is having trouble on a Mac.  I’m doing what I can to resolve this, but the files came from a faculty member who isn’t here anymore and were packaged in such a way that if they really aren’t going to work, there ain’t a fucking thing I can do about it.  Guess you should have spent some time working on this class over the summer instead of being a beach bum in California all summer, eh Kyle?

We’re still having issues with T.  He’s being secretive again, spending an ungodly amount of time prepping for classes he’s taught numerous times, and not lining up coverage for his other office responsibilities while he’s scheduled to teach.  My boss keeps saying that if K and I just do this one other thing to document what’s going on, she’ll “take care of him” – but nothing actually happens.

I’m tired, which is kind of odd, I think anyway.  I slept really good last night.  The weather the last several days has been pleasantly cool – getting no warmer than 80 during the day and cooling off into the mid 50s at night – and we’ve been leaving the house open.  Last night I actually left the bottom part of my pjs on and at some point wrestled a little of the blanket away from Josh.  But I slept like a baby, it was heavenly.  I think I’m just tired today because I’ve been so busy here and I haven’t had a whole lot of time for the eating of the food.

Anyone else notice that it’s been awhile now since I’ve felt compelled to talk about my mental health?  Yeah, weird, right?  I feel like most of the time I’m at a place where the stress isn’t unreasonable, the moods are mostly stable, and I’m not having to think about it too overly much.  It’s really kind of nice, this place.

I know that as the seasons change again, and the time changes, things with my mind and moods will start to change again, too.  I’m hoping that my meds stay fairly the same and that I don’t end up having too many problems with the darker days.  As always, I’ll do my best to stay on top of all this.

Mom is talking about taking a little road trip to visit some of the apple orchards about an hour south of here this Saturday.  There should be some nice little places to shop, and probably a good restaurant or two.  I’m looking forward to it.

holy buckets

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, school, sick, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

Class last night went really well.  I was totally floored by the quality of the projects everyone had done.  I ended up going almost last – we drew numbers for our presentation order – and I was really nervous.  I didn’t think mine was near as good as everyone else’s.  But they were appropriately awed in the right places and then laughed in the right places, so it was good.  Nothing quite as icky as seeing your own head on a 15ft screen.

I’ve been having issues lately with one of my “friends.”  Kyle isn’t now, nor will he ever be, an actual friend.  He’s a pain in the ass faculty member who has decided I’m his slave.  Sorry fuckface, not gonna happen.  K and I have been overly nice to him over the last month, trying to help him get his online class setup.  He’s either too stupid to be doing this or he’s completely taking advantage of our kindness.  Not anymore.  I’ve been instructed by my boss to cut him off.  There are close to 800 faculty on this campus doing online classes and only 4 of us to support them – that’s just not going to work if I spend one whole day a week fixing his messes.

I’m tired today, but in a good way.  Tuesdays are always tired for me since I get home late.  But I feel good about being in this class and I feel good about how I’m handling things at work these days.  This is an appropriate “I’m working hard like a normal person” kind of tired, and that’s something only another mental person can really appreciate.

I’m still recuperating from the bronchitis, but it gets a little better every day.  Josh has some kind of weird rash, or did last night, that I’ll need to check on when I get home.  It looks like something that he ingested – it’s all over his body, including his torso.  I gave him Benadryl last night and told him to wake me this morning if it wasn’t significantly better.  He hasn’t said anything, so I guess it must be.

Ok kids, gotta go try to get a few more bits done.  I leave you with this, the funniest thing I have seen in a long time.

one of these days…

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, kids, knitting, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, projects, sex, sick, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

I got home, he got home, I verbally smacked him around for awhile, everything was fine.  I told him that if there’s something he wants, he really needs to just ask.  I pretty well don’t think about sex anymore.  I like having it still, I just don’t get all worked up like I used to.  He said he would.  And then he did yesterday.  Maybe he’s trainable afterall.

The brat was indeed sick.  Still sick, I should say.  Apparently she’s been sick since she came over last time but the ex hadn’t bothered to take her to see the doc because she wasn’t running a fever.  I voiced extreme displeasure to Josh.  Extreme.  If I get sick again, I’ll be calling that bitch and telling her to keep that rotten child away from me.

All she did this weekend was lay on the couch and watch tv, so I know she didn’t feel good.  But there isn’t a damn thing I can do about that.  Her mother is a fucking loser.

And now the kid doesn’t want to bathe.  Apparently she pushes this at home – she’s just too damn lazy to take a shower.  I’ve told Josh I will not be taking her out in public if she doesn’t.  Her hair is pretty nasty looking as it is, but after she’s slept on it she looks like a dirty Q-tip.  It’s horrific.

The show Friday night was great.  Mom’s seats are 7 rows back from the orchestra, right in the middle.  Totally awesome.  And Josh managed to behave himself, which was also awesome.

I got my project done yesterday, and I think it turned out pretty good.  This is the final version.

Oh – quite possibly the best news from the weekend – I got to sit down and knit for a few minutes.  Nothing exciting, just a new wash cloth, and I didn’t make a whole lot of progress, but I did remember how to do it which was part of the concern for me.  Hopefully by the end of the week.

can’t even get there

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

It’s my fault, as usual.  He isn’t embarrassed, he just doesn’t want anyone to know anything about him.  And I need to get myself in a better mood, because that’s what he wants.  And quit talking to me, I’m working.

I’m just not in the mood for this.  I don’t trust him to behave himself tonight while Mom and I are out, but I’m leaving him there to flounder.  If he wants to shoot himself in the foot, go for it – let me help you reload asshole.

“Get yourself in a better mood before I come home” – words that should never be spoken to any woman ever, let alone a woman dealing with bipolar.  I will cut him.

feeling friday

Tags

bipolar disorder, family, kids, life, mental health, mental illness, projects, school, sex, sick

I didn’t manage to get any work done on my project yesterday.  I was busy from right after the time I posted until I walked about the door.  And then when I got home Josh was being a douche.  He’d been talking all day about having sex and then when I got there he kept saying it was up to me and seeming entirely disinterested.  He just can’t even say the words “let’s have sex” – it’s like it embarrasses him or something, especially when we talk at lunch.  Apparently one his friends likes to hang out by his car and for some reason Josh doesn’t want anyone to know he enjoys having sex with his wife.  Nice.

Mom and I are going out tonight, just us girls.  She has season tickets to the community theater and Les Miserables opens tonight.  She usually goes with her girlfriend, but I guess she’s out of town.  Les Mis is one of my favorite musicals so I was thrilled when Mom asked me to go with her.

I’m not thrilled about the brat coming this weekend.  I’ve still got quite a bit to get done for this project and there’s always a ton of chores to do on the weekend.  Josh is really good about helping with the stuff during the week, but when she gets there it’s like he just kind of forgets.  What I’m really hoping is that she isn’t sick again.  Actually, I’ve pretty well decided that if she bitches about not feeling good at all I’m going to tell her to pack up her shit and then take her ass straight back home.  I’ve felt like dirt for damn near two solid weeks now because of that walking little germ factory – I am NOT going through that again.

I leave you with a funny.  Fridays should have some funny in them, don’t you agree?

is it just me?

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, mental health, mental illness, projects, school, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

Ever get that overwhelming urge to just beat the ever loving snot out of someone?

One of my cow-orkers decided to stick her nose into something K and I are trying to work on.  She’s older, near retirement age, so she thinks she knows it all.  While she was spouting about what we should have been doing – on the other side of the wall – K and I both practiced some sign language.

Anyway, I’ve called the customer back and let her know that K was finally able to duplicate the problem.  Part of it is the prof is an absolute asshat.  Actually, all of it is that the prof is an asshat.  And my boss hasn’t called his boss to bitch about him like she was supposed to.  She’s really kind of a lazy fuck.

I redid my project last night and I think it’s a whole lot better.  I was going to try to tweak it some more this morning, but I’ve been crazy busy.  I might get a chance this afternoon, but I’ve got appointments starting at 1:15 and going until 4.  I’d like to get it all done before tomorrow so that I can concentrate on other stuff this weekend.  Like avoiding the brat.

Josh has been fairly decent lately.  He mostly kept quiet yesterday while I was working on my project and then helped with dinner.  He’s not a bad cook, I just don’t often ask him to help since he always jumps up to take care of the clean up.  He’ll get to help with chopping vegetables tonight – we’re having tamales and salsa rice.

I’m still feeling the bronchitis, though it’s getting better.  I blow my nose quite a bit still and every now and then I cough uncontrollably.  Otherwise it’s mostly alright.

gearing up

Tags

bipolar disorder, kids, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, projects, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

For what, you ask?  Well, let’s see…

• The brat comes over this weekend.  After doing a 4-H parade in the morning.  Oh btw, she’s joining 4-H.
• Homework.  I’m redoing damn near everything for that project.  It’s due next Monday so I really need to get going on it tonight.  I don’t want to really be fucking with it while the brat is there this weekend as I don’t want her to have any part of it.  I’ve got ideas, but I need to get off my ass and get going.
• I’ve just tried to eat lunch and for some reason it’s made my belly unhappy, like noisy, churning, something went bad with the chemistry experiment kind of unhappy.  All I’ve had to eat today is a cheese stick, some dill cheese curds, a handful of crackers, and a can of mandarin oranges.  Not exactly anything that should result in Chernobyl.
• I dropped an email to my boss about how awesome the latest version of Captivate is and how it could make some things easier for us.  She’s decided it would be perfect for this little pet project she has that none of us really want to participate in.  Oh, and we should teach a brand new class on it in the Spring semester.  Yeah, super, that totally fucking back fired.
• K and I had decided yesterday that we’re going to start planning for a new certificate program that we want to offer next summer for faculty wanting to teach online for the first time, with the idea that we can get a whole group of them up to speed on this shit at once and hopefully save ourselves some time.  We’re not telling the boss about it because we’re almost certain it’ll fuck with her pet project – that we don’t want to do.

In addition to all of this, I spent nearly an hour on the phone with the cable/internet/phone company because the bill finally came last night and it was almost $400.  I called and asked for some explanations.  When I finally got a pleasant woman, she got me to see that it’s because it’s for 2 months, not just 1, and some of the charges were one time things from the change over to the new stuff.  I’m quite a bit more at ease now, though not happy that we need to come up with the $400 to pay it this time.

I suppose I should go do some more work.  Or maybe smoke.  Smoking might get my stomach to shut up.  Or make me throw up.  Thinking either would be alright.

starting over

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, projects, school, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

I got some really good feedback from my classmates last night about the project, which is good.  I’m basically going to start over, which is bad.  But, I had a totally great conversation about mental health with the people in my group, so that made the whole thing entirely worthwhile.

I’m still having the headache and I still don’t really know what from.  It’s in the area of my sinuses, so it could easily be related to the bronchitis.  I also realized today that I’m not drinking anywhere near as much as I normally would, so I might be dehydrated.  Hard to say.

Josh has been an asshat again today.  He hasn’t actually said anything for awhile now so I am totally not looking forward to going home.  He’s still at that “everything that goes wrong during the day is your fault” place.  Yup, whatever.

I have a favor to ask of y’all in regards to my project.  If you feel so inclined, leave me a comment with the following:

1. words that mean something to us (the mentally ill) and something different to the normies – “cycling” is one I used in my video that I plan to use in the revised footage, but what others can you think of?
2. have you seen any other funny gifs about mental illness or bipolar in particular that I could include?
3. what do you think of using HRSA by Blue October as the “soundtrack?”  I picked it because of the descriptions of being in a mental ward
4. anyone got a catchy title for this mess?  I’m trying to tie literacy and the mental health subculture together, and not having a good time with the title