creating myself

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, family, friends, health, hypomania, kids, life, love, mental illness, moods, normal, sleep, stress

I’m not going to lie and say that this process I’m going through has been entirely easy. There’s been one hell of a lot of hard work getting the traces of him out of here so that I could start building my nest. It’s been a little difficult for me to get used to being able to make my own decisions again. But I haven’t had a single doubt that I did, and am doing, the right thing.

I chose the day I did because I knew that he would have a long weekend to try to start finding a place to stay, get some things, arrange transportation. That same span of time allowed me and Mom to do the overhaul in my living space. And now I have my week off work to get my sleep schedule back under control.

The first night I have no clue how I slept, other than like shit. Since then I’ve been having my Fitbit track my sleep. The second and third nights weren’t great either, and I was starting to get worried. Too many nights with no sleep can spell utter disaster for someone with Bipolar. Lack of sleep isn’t always a symptom of mania, it can also be a trigger. And I fucking HATE being manic.

But, praise the Almighty Ceiling Cat, I slept for 7 hours and 20 minutes last night.

So I think I’m going to be really alright. I’m finishing one of the last little projects I wanted to get done this morning. Yesterday Mom and I took my nieces to a natural history museum and hung out with some dinosaur bones, which they thought was super cool. And today we’re doing crafts. So yeah, I’m doing better. Loads better. Thanks for all the support kids, y’all rock.

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quick picture post

Tags

building a life worth living, getting back my mojo, getting creative, goals, life, mental health, mental illness, motivation, normal, projects

That’s the black and white vest that plagued me for so long. It’s done and I wore it to work this morning. I was teaching a brand new class, my third of the summer, and wanted a little something to make me feel pretty. You can’t really see it but I also made the necklace and earrings I have on. Hopefully I’ll be back later with a slightly longer post. ❤

mental health thursday – a post in pictures

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, depression, family, friends, hypomania, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, normal, stress, stress management

mental health thursday

Tags

bipolar disorder, blog for mental health 2015, borderline personality disorder, hope, life, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, normal, sick, sleep, stress

We haven’t done this in awhile, so I thought maybe we should revisit our little talks about mental health. I have a tendency to get wrapped up in my own little world to the point that I forget that part of what I need to do is spread the word about how “normal” those of us with mental illness really are. Mostly I forget because I’m too busy being normal I guess.

But I want y’all to know that you are not alone. Let me say this again…

Y’ALL AIN’T ALONE.

Even though I don’t often talk about my diagnoses these days that does not mean that I don’t still have issues. I do. HELL YES I do. My diseases have reached what I consider to be the equivalent of remission for someone fighting cancer. They’re still there, they still color my world, but I’m not having to seek crisis intervention on a regular basis. And that feels nice.

My name is Erin and I have Bipolar Disorder II and Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve attempted suicide four times. I’ve been hospitalized more times than I care to recall. I’ve lost friends. I’ve lost the ability to do some of the recreational activities I used to love. I’ve had allergic reactions to meds so severe I was almost hospitalized. I’ve stared down the beast that is depression and I’ve stayed up for 6 days solid, dancing with the beast that is mania.

I have been there, done that, and got the free t-shirt to prove it.

I’ve also started and completed both a Master’s degree and a graduate certificate since being diagnosed. I’ve maintained my full-time job and advanced in my career. I’ve learned to be financially responsible. And I’ve learned that I will feel better if I can help make someone else feel better.

These days I do a whole lot of taking care of me so that I can take care of those I love. I take my meds like a good kid. I eat mostly healthy food and I stay mostly away from alcohol. I try to get good sleep every night. I see my psych doc when I’m supposed to and I make an appointment with my therapist when I feel I need to. And I try to focus on the good stuff. I spend more time with the good things I can still do and less time missing the things I used to do.

We’ll get through this together, we really will. I promise.

where the hell did I leave off?

Tags

family, gardening, getting creative, goals, knitting, life, moods, motivation, normal, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, sick, sleep

Oy, what a week it was. I still don’t feel completely well, and I haven’t been sleeping great, but I’m sort of on the mend finally. The lack of sleeping is making for a wicked lack of energy though, and I’m about ready to just take a bit of a dirt nap and hope I sprout again.

I have the homework that must be ready for Tuesday done, so that’s good. I do need to finish the last of the bits yet, but the no energy thing has made that hard. I have been knitting and I finished the small book I was ready. That’s been about it as far as relaxing activities in the evenings.

Speaking of which, I didn’t realize until yesterday that I completely blew off doing the weekly goals post this week. I kind of suck. Anyway, I will try to get back on that horse for next week.

I have decided that once I get this semester behind me I’m going to be done with school, at least for awhile. There are so many other things I’d like to be able to devote time to and I’m getting kind of burned out again. Plus, it’s not as though I need more education to do my job. I’m not ruling out the possibility of ever going back, but I do plan to take at least a year off. And what I may do is see what kind of fun I could have over at the community college with their classes.

This summer I plan to work with Mom as much as possible getting the yard the way we’d like it.

That was the way the big flower bed out in the backyard looked last year. This year Mom has decided to have the deck (not seen in this pic) expanded so we had the landscaper who lives down the street shrink this by about half. This isn’t a great time of year to be fucking about with moving bulbs, but we didn’t have much choice. Smack in the middle of the bed was a fountain. My dad had run electricity out to it below ground when they had it installed. Unfortunately it hasn’t happily held water for a few years now. No matter what Mom has tried to seal the basin with it just wouldn’t stay filled. So, I had the brilliant idea to use the base, which was entirely too fucking heavy to have moved, into this…

It needs some moss and probably a few small plants yet, but not bad for a start. We’ve been trying to decide what all we need/want for the new deck and what we’ll be able to grow this year. Next year she’s talking about having raised beds built along the fence. But one bit at a time.

We did get one strawberry pot from the garden center today and a bag of 14 Lily of the Valley bulbs. We’ll have to wait a few more weeks to plant the bulbs but we wanted to make sure we got some. Those will be going into a very small bed by the front door.

I’m hoping that my little corner of the world returns to what passes as normal really fucking quick. This whole being out of sorts bullshit is not cool.

the chocolate must die

Tags

friends, getting creative, life, moods, normal, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, work

Mom really and truly is the new designated Lego mini-fig procurement agent.

This has been a day almost entirely filled with goodness, rather like the dark chocolate raspberry creme I just ate. I did an interview with one of my favorite faculty friends this morning that turned out amazing, I got to spend some time going over a tool with another faculty friend, T and I did some planning for an event we’re doing together in April, and class was actually really interesting.

Oh, and my proposal to present at the tech conference thing in May was accepted.

The only bummer thing that happened was the underwire in my favorite (and only) black bra finally snapped today so I got to go around with an odd shaped boob all day. Eh, not like they’re big enough to notice.

My goal for the remainder of the evening is to see how much further I can get with my latest drawing.

I’m contemplating living dangerously – abandon the pencil and proceed with the marker. Why the hell not.

homework and housework and anything else unpleasant I can think of that starts with an H

Tags

alcohol, family, getting creative, kids, life, motivation, normal, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, stress, work

Mom decided to have our kitchen and dining room/sun room painted, which was a really great idea in my mind. We picked two complimentary shades of a bluish green, one darker and one lighter. But both rooms were torn apart for over a week while we took things off the walls, the one guy patched holes in the walls and sanded them, and then the other guys actually painted. Yesterday we were finally able to put it all back together. But we hadn’t really been able to do much cleaning while that stuff was going on so yesterday we had a launch a Full Attack. I am pleased to report that this joint is back up to our very exacting standards and looks phenomenal. If it wasn’t still o-dark-thirty I’d take some pics to show you.

We also ran errands yesterday which included getting ever so slightly lost trying to find “our” post office because the woman who was married to my grandfather, V, had shipped the old man’s ashes up to my mom so that he can finally be buried next to my grandmother. Well, some of him anyway. Evidently she had his ashes split so that some are here (in the back of my jeep right now) and some of them will be buried with her. I find this a little odd myself, but I guess it’s better than the previous arrangement which was her keeping his urn on the floor next to her side of the bed.

The more interesting errand was running to the grocery store and mostly that was only more interesting because I got Mom to go into the attached liquor store area. She and Josh had a bottle of margaritas at home that they like but I find too tart, and I knew with the day we’d be having that beverages would be consumed so I wanted something that I could enjoy. What I found was Jose Cuervo Light White Peach Margaritas.

Definitely a chick drink, but quite tasty. I had two normal-ish sized drinks, though larger than the 4 oz they say is a serving size. Honest to jezuz, who the fuck drinks a 4 oz margarita? The Mexican restaurant we really like to go to serves them in fish bowls with stems for fuck sake. Anyway, quite tasty and a nice way to relax at the end of a hard day.

So, homework. Y’all probably recall that I’m in the last class for the first of the grad certificates I’ve decided to work on. That meant I could take my elective course, and there weren’t a whole hell of a lot to pick from. But, one of them is a class that focuses on training techniques, which is totally perfect for me. And it meets mostly during the day, Tuesdays from 2:30 – 5:10, so I’m home in time to have dinner with Mom and Josh and still get to bed at a decent time.

The books are interesting (though a little expensive), my classmates seem like really interesting people, and the prof is enthusiastic about the subject and really seems to know her stuff. I’ve worked with her before in a professional capacity so I kind of figured she’d be really good and it looks like I was right. And the projects we’re doing are so practical and applicable to what I do at work, I just love that.

I was able to talk to my boss for a bit last week about whether or not to pursue the full Master’s degree and she agrees with me that it’s almost certainly not worth it. The university won’t give me any more pay just because of it, there isn’t really a way to promote me for it, and the stress from having to deal with comps and the woman who runs all of the stuff I’ve been involved in just isn’t worth it for me. So I’ll get the two certificates I had planned on and then call it good for that. I’m sure I’ll find something else interesting to get into when I’m done.

The other project I need to get my ass in gear for is a presentation for the system-wide symposium thing in May. Some of you may remember having a world class freak out about doing a presentation there last year and then having it turn out pretty damn decent. With that positive experience under my belt I’ve decided to submit a proposal to present again this year on a topic that will blend something from school with something we do at work and turn into something super useful for both realms. I need to get started on the research to make sure that it really is as feasible as I think, but when I bounced the idea off Miss K she thought it was a good thing to pursue as well. So yay.

I have a three day weekend because of MLK Day on Monday, which is rather nice. It sucks ass that our next official holiday isn’t until Memorial Day, but I’ll be taking some bits of time off before then. I’ve already been approved to have Feb 13 off since the kids are out of school and my brother in law is taking them on a weekend trip, which means Mom and I will have an entire day for big girl stuff. I’m also contemplating taking some time off in March which is when our spring break will be. I have an embarrassing amount of vacation time available because I never go anywhere so I figure I might as well use it.

Anyway, Monday the girls will also be off school so I’m going to go to the dentist and then head to my sister’s house so that we can all go to lunch together and do some craft projects before they have to go to their dance class. It should be a lot of fun.

Anyone else off work tomorrow? Any big plans?

Sunday morning update

Tags

anxiety, life, motivation, normal, random shit that falls out of my brain, skin conditions, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots

Rewind to Friday – I got the rental car arranged and was able to leave work on time because they were kind enough to come get me. (Enterprise Rental Car is AMAZING!) And because their rates are so good, I was able to get a brand new, full size Grand Cherokee to drive that’s within my daily allowance. I just can’t smoke in it. I kind of don’t care about that because I haven’t been smoking much lately anyway. (it’s probably time to just quit already)

Also got a call from the dermatologist’s office. I again explained that the situation is rather urgent because a) hurts like fucking hell and b) lots and lots of blood. I have an appointment for Monday afternoon, which remarkably enough, is not in February.

Mom and I got a fuckton of stuff done yesterday, though sadly there is every bit as much to be done today. The only difference is that the stuff yesterday was running errands and trying to make a dent in cleaning out/organizing my nieces’ play room and today will be spent catching up on multiple weeks worth of housework here.

The saga of the Knee-high Black Boots continues. (did I even mention this?) The pair I ordered from Zappos arrived on Friday and I couldn’t zip them up. They’re a size 11 wide. So I’m exchanging them for a size 12 wide. If the second pair doesn’t fit I’m just sending the boots back, keeping the empty shoe boxes, and I’ll fucking wear those. ARGH.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go see just how much of a half gallon of pre-mixed ice coffee I can drink before upsetting the delicate balance in my gut.

let’s see what I can pull out of my ass to entertain y’all with today

Tags

Evie Cat, friends, knitting, life, limits, love, motivation, normal, projects, school

That was her tiny fluffy highness last night, sleeping on her tiny pillow which is on her special blanket. That cat is Spoiled. And utterly adorable.

I managed to get quite a bit more progress made on the towel last night, which was good. I also found a pattern I’d forgotten about for yarn that I already have. Still no ideas for that gorgeous rainbow yarn, but there’s plenty of time.

Josh stayed true to his word last night and did homework for about an hour. It was long enough that I was able to get one of the assignments for next week done. I’m debating about trying to do more while he’s still at work this afternoon.

I did manage to get the blood draw taken care of this morning, which the bare minimum of problems. It only took one stick and, even though I bled really slow like usual, she got enough on that first try. And then, since I had to fast for this, I rewarded myself with the Best Breakfast Evah!

Cheese pizza made on a salt bagel and a Diet Trop-a-Rocka Snapple, from the best kosher deli around. I also picked up some of their homemade garlic and herb cream cheese and some Everything bagel chips for later. There’s a party in my tummy, yay!

Anyway, I got some good/sad news last night. My BFF broke up with her boyfriend earlier this week, which was kind of sad. She realized that he just wasn’t near as supportive of her as she was of him, and she needed more. There was a group of her friends that had all gotten tickets to see Phantom of the Opera later this month, and he was supposed to go with them, but when she told him she wanted to break things off he decided not to go. So she called me last night and offered me his ticket.

Phantom is one of my favorite musicals, so I’m thrilled to get to go. It’s not here in town so we’ll be driving a few hours to get there, but they had gotten the matinee tickets so I’ll be back the same night. This is particularly good because Josh gets the kid that weekend.

still life, with cats

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, Evie Cat, friends, invisible illnesses, knitting, life, limits, mental health, mental illness, moods, normal, projects, work

Sissy Cat does not like having her hair cut, but it’s necessary. She’s got a really thick, really long, double coat and she just can’t keep up with the grooming anymore.

From behind it looks like she’s got old man balls. Poor little girl.

Sorry for the weird halo at the top, to get the truest color I had to turn the lights off and open the blinds all the way. It’s soft and beautiful and really fucking warm. Evie loves it.

Yesterday and today were pretty ridiculous. The meeting with the faculty member went alright, but then all hell broke lose last night and I started working on stuff this morning with my boss, only to find out that two of the others were working directly with the faculty guy and so she got pissed and I gave up. I’ll be getting roughly 4 hours of my vacation as comp time now because of it. Yay?

I had therapy with T-Bone yesterday, which was awesome as always. I didn’t have a co-pay for whatever reason, I took my school book and read in the waiting room, and we had a really nice visit while it stormed like crazy outside. It was so bad we had street flooding in a lot of areas. Fortunately it was a very fast moving storm and it came in and went back out all in the 45 minutes I was there. And, he asked me if I’d be interested in tutoring someone on basic computer skills. He has another patient that needs some help and he’s trying to encourage her, so he wanted to know if it was alright to give her my contact information. Hells yes, my good man. And here we have another potential source of occasional extra income. SCORE!!!

I’ve finished the last of the cleaning out/rearranging/organizing bits I can do until payday, and then there’s only one thing I really need to get to complete my Master Plan – a USB hub with it’s own power supply. All of the electronic bits that Josh needs plugged in on his side of the bed have the option of running off USB, with the exception of his lamp. So rather than have a whole mess of power cords, I can plug in one thing that will sit nicely on his nightstand, and he can plug the cables in to that.

Anyway, things are going good, though not necessarily how I’d thought they would. I did get 5 new CDs made last night, which was one of my goals, and I’ve been logging all of my food in the app. I haven’t showered yet today, but the day isn’t over yet. And, something that wasn’t on my list for this week but was on the big list, is mostly done now.

I went through my stash of knit and crochet patterns and did my brainstorm of things that could get done in a month’s time. I also added some generic things like “make a shrug” which could be either knit or crochet and can actually be done without a formal pattern. Anyway, I made my list and then marked if I had a pattern already and if I knew I had yarn. That part isn’t totally done, but nearly. I’m trying to decide now if I should start that at the beginning of a month or just hop in midstream.

No, I’m not really trying to make fun of people who suffer from depression. It’s just funny because I do have the occasional dip down into the depressed end of the bipolar spectrum AND I own cats. Cats who don’t enjoy being picked up. But I digress…It’s Invisible Illness Awareness Week right now. Invisible illnesses are things like bipolar and depression, but are also things like fibro and auto-immune disorders. Basically anything that makes you feel like shit, isn’t contagious, and other people wouldn’t readily be able to spot. Shit most of us just quietly live with.

It costs us nothing to be good to each other, and sometimes your kindness is all someone needs to keep going another day.

There’s a hell of a lot more to us than the things we take medication for. We have feelings, we have ambitions, we have dreams.

Okay becomes such a relative term when you have an invisible illness. But please don’t stop talking to us about what’s going on entirely, just don’t expect some trite one-word answer when what we really need is to bitch and moan for a little while about precisely how much this shit fucking sucks.

When it comes down to it, we really just need friends. Don’t treat us like lepers, but don’t feel like you have to invite us along for the extreme river rafting tour of the Grand Canyon either. Call or email or text as it seems appropriate, and invite us to do things as they seem appropriate. But try to be understanding if we say no or if we back out at the last minute. Sometimes our bodies and brains betray us, and we feel totally shitty having to cancel on you. It just kind of is what it is.

This list actually applies to damn near any invisible illness