vacation here I come

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, family, friends, kids, knitting, life, love, mental illness

It was a really interesting weekend.  I managed to get most of what I wanted to done and I think we’re in pretty good shape.  I got both socks and the shrug started and bagged up.  I decided to put each project in its own large plastic zipper bag so that if the TSA wants to go through my backpack they don’t completely fuck everything up.  I still haven’t decide which of my smaller suitcases to take, but I’m going to take care of that probably tonight.

I decided to let Josh take tomorrow off with me.  I decided I really want to spend a day with just the two of us before I have to go into extended mommy mode.  Plus there’s stuff I want him to help me with.  We need to clean out his car because I want to leave it at the airport.  His car has full coverage insurance so I figure it’s safer to leave it parked out there for a week.  The only problem is right now the trunk is full of shit.  Gotta clean that out and get the car packed up.

We had a really nice time at Gemma’s on Saturday.  Her puppy is adorable!  Of course now I want one.  This may just prove to be the incentive we need to move out of mom’s house.  Anyway, we had a good time just hanging out and watching Game of Thrones.  We’re talking about all going to the Summer Arts Festival the weekend after Josh and I get back.  Gemma’s husband thinks it might not be manly enough.  Whatever.  I’ll kidnap her and take her with us.  Josh is actually really excited about it.

He was actually pretty good this weekend.  He didn’t drink Friday night since he had to get up for work Saturday morning.  At Gemma’s he had a few beers but didn’t get sloppy.  Yesterday he was fairly easy to wake up and we had a nice time getting things done together.  He also finally painted the robot thing I got him for our anniversary.

mini me!

He painted it to look like an anime version of me.  He says now I have my very own action figure.  So cute.

I think things are going pretty good right now.  The mood has been fairly stable the last few days, and that always helps.  I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m excited about the trip, but I’m not completely dreading going anymore.  The better he is to me the more I think a whole 7 days together will be a good thing.

I really honestly don’t know when I’ll be able to write again.  I might try while we’re there, but I might not have time.  We come back on 5/29 so I’d say you can expect a post no later than 5/31.  It might just take me a little time to get everything together when we get back.

finally friday

Tags

bipolar disorder, family, knitting, life, love, mental illness, work

Stop the roller coaster, I wanna get off…

Things were going alright yesterday afternoon until Josh told me that he’s going to have to take attendance points to be gone for the trip.  He’d put in his request for time off over a month ago and it was approved, so we’re not sure why they’ve changed their minds.  Anyway, I got pissed.  I don’t want him to have to take points because if he gets too many they’ll fire him.  We had a huge fight about the trip.  He finally played his ace – “if you really love me you’ll go with.”  SERIOUSLY?!?!?  So I tried turning it back on him, “if you really love me you’ll stop drinking.”  That did not go over so well.  Apparently he’s the only one allowed to play that card.  Fuck him.

Anyway, we sort of got things straightened out.  We went to another store last night and got the rest of the supplies we needed.  When we got home we split the yarn for his next pair of socks and got that wound up.  I did a quick gauge swatch with some new needles I got and I’m all set.  I just need to get the toe cast on and started before we go.  Should be able to get to that this weekend sometime.  I’m also going to get the toe for the other purple sock cast on and started.  I haven’t decided if I’ll take both with or not, but I want something to work on at Gemma’s tomorrow night.

Gemma got a new puppy and so we’re going to visit and join them for dinner.  Should be a fun afternoon/evening.  I’m starting tomorrow by going to a farmer’s market with mom, then out to breakfast.  Not sure what else we’re doing but Josh has to work until 12:30 so I’m sure we’ll find some ways to get in trouble while he’s busy.

My performance evaluation has been moved to this afternoon.  I asked my boss about it yesterday and she said not to worry, it’s fine.  Then she sent me the paperwork so I could see what she had written.  She’s right, nothing to worry about.  The meeting this afternoon is really just a formality, so I’m not nervous anymore.  Fortunately my boss is the type that if you’re fucking up she tells you right away rather than wait for the evals.  It’s very nice actually.

The mood is kind of iffy this morning again, as seems to be the case most mornings.  I’m a little grumpy but I’m trying to hide it.  Josh was being extra sweet and I was trying to be sweet back.  And then he referred to me as a “tickle monster” and I kind of got peeved.  I’d been saying all sorts of sweet things about how he looks and how funny he is and how lucky I am to have him and then he goes and calls me a fucking tickle monster.  So not amused.

something to show

Tags

knitting

one purple sock

I managed to get the bind off done at lunch.  YIPPEE!!!  Still need to weave the ends in, but that’ll only take a few minutes.  Now I’m hoping tonight to be able to get the toe of the next one done.  I think I’ll take it and a sock for Josh with me.  His yarn needs to be split yet – he said he’ll help tonight.  Can’t wait to see how this all turns out…

grumpy

Tags

bipolar disorder, knitting, life, love, mental illness, sleep

Things with Josh and I seem to be about back to normal.  We had a discussion last night when I got home and got stuff straightened out.  I had him look me in the eyes and tell me the truth – that I really am the best ever.  He agreed and I told him he was goddamn right, I’m the best that ever was and ever will be and he fucking well better not forget that.  We had a good laugh and that seemed to break the tension.

We went shopping for some trip supplies last night.  I really didn’t want to go, it was already after 7 and I was tired, but he insisted.  I couldn’t quite find everything I wanted, but we got most of it.  When we were leaving the store Josh told me that he thought maybe I’d enjoy seeing the sunset for a change.  I was less mad after that.

The rest of the evening was alright.  I got home and got into pj’s and laid down to watch tv.  I made it until about 9:30 before I just couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore.  This morning I woke up at 4:17 – just like yesterday.  This morning I got up and went to the bathroom and then promptly went right back to bed.  I got up when my alarm went off and didn’t have any trouble.  I took my pills last night a little later – around 6:35 – and that seems to have helped.  Gotta try to remember that when we’re traveling.

I’m not sure why I’m so grumpy this morning but I am.  Things with Josh were going alright until he told me that he’d talk to me at lunch – which I took as a dismissal.  “I’m too busy to keep chatting, you’ll just have to wait until I call.”  That’s how I took it and I got hurt.  Evidently that’s not what he meant, but the hurt has happened and there’s just no fixing it right now.  I’m still not sure if I’m actually going to answer the phone when he does call.

I think part of the problem is that I haven’t touched my knitting in almost a week now.  My first purple sock just needs to be bound off and I can’t seem to bring myself to do it.  I’ve got it with me today and I’m really hoping to get that done.  I’d like to get the other one started so I can take it on the trip.  Not getting my fiber therapy definitely takes a toll on me.  I just haven’t felt like I’ve had the energy to give it proper attention lately.  And that sucks.

words

Tags

borderline personality disorder, life, love, meds, mental illness

Thank ceiling cat for Xanax.  I have no doubt that I would not have made it this far through this day without it.  I really need to figure out how to get shrinky-poo to give me a real Rx for it.

He’s been talking all day, saying how he didn’t mean that she was better than me, how I’m the best, how he gives me better treatment than he’s ever given anyone else…  Etc Etc Ad Nauseum.  I don’t believe a single fucking word of it.  But supposedly we’ve put all of this past us now and everything is FINE.

Yeah, you want to see FINE asshole, why don’t you wait until we get home, eh?

He’s told me several times that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and that he thinks I’m worth fighting for.  I wonder if he’ll still feel that way after I get done with him tonight.

The only decent thing that’s happened today is that I’ve been able to keep my proverbial shit pretty well together.  I’ve been very polite to him.  I’ve refrained from coming out and calling him a liar.  And the wicked borderline episode that was right under the surface this morning has almost entirely subsided.  I’m still very warm in the face and I’d just as soon smack the sonofabitch when I see him as actually have to speak to him.  Hey, I’m not perfect.  But I haven’t said anything terribly shitty today and I’ve been very careful with my word choices.  When he gives me one of his lines about how awesome I am I’m careful to respond with “that’s very sweet of you to say” to which he always comes back with some declaration of the truth behind the statement.  Seriously?  Fuck you.  I’m to the point right now where if he told me the sky was blue I’d have to go out and check for myself.

He’s lying – either to me or to Jason.  I don’t so much care anymore which it is.  He’s a fucking liar and I don’t trust anything that comes out of his mouth.  And yes, that includes his declarations of love for me.  Seriously?  You love me and you’re going to talk to your friends about me like that?  I don’t fucking think so.

I still haven’t figured out what, if anything, I’m going to do tonight.  I’ve considered going home and just telling him to get his shit and get the fuck out.  I’ve considered playing as though nothing has happened and see if he tries to kiss my ass.  I’ve considered slicing his dick off with a sharp knife.  I’ve also considered just flat out ignoring him, giving him the silent treatment.  That’s kind of what I’m doing right now.  After his lunch break he said something about talking to me at his next break, which I took to mean that he was going to actually work again and didn’t want to be disturbed.  So I told him I’d be turning off my phone so as not to be tempted to text him anymore and bother him.  He’s sent several minor messages since then which I have completely ignored.  He’ll be going on break in a few minutes and I’m just kind of waiting to see what happens.

I’m so tired of all this.  This bullshit seems like high school stuff, not the kind of crap that should be taking place between grown adults.  I don’t lie to him, why should he lie to me?  Can’t we be grown up enough to be honest with each other?  I say all kinds of nice things to him, but I’m not lying when I say them.  That’s why I don’t say nasty things to him hardly ever – I don’t really mean them so why should I say them?  That’s half the point of having this blog – so I have a place to vent and get the terrible things out of my head so that they don’t have to come out of my mouth and hurt him.  I realize he never intended for me to see the conversation with Jason, but seriously?  Even when I vent here about what an asshole he is I don’t pick on him.  I say things that are true – like he’s uncommunicative and a fucking drunk.  Both very true.

My mind just keeps going back to ways I could punish him, make him feel even part of the hurt that I feel.  I just don’t know how I’d do that right now.  I’m kind of hoping not texting him will accomplish a little of that, but it doesn’t seem like enough.  I need to hit him where it hurts.  The problem is, once I do that, I can’t go back.  All of the nasty things I can think of to say would be very personal attacks and would probably wound him more than I intend.  He needs a good spanking, not a beheading.  And most of the things I can think of would wound him in a way that would actually come back to bite me on the ass, so that’s no good.  There’s got to be something I can do…

not the best

Tags

bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, life, love, meds, mental illness, sleep

I’m very lavish with my praise to Josh.  May not seem like it here, but I butter that man up every single day.  I tell him what an awesome husband he is, what a great lover he is, how much I appreciate everything he does for me.  And now this…

I fell asleep early again last night, like before 8.  So this morning I woke up before his alarm went off at 4:30.  I got up and had a smoke and tried to decide what to do next.  When I went back inside his alarm clock was going off.  I thought I’d be nice and put it on snooze for him.  When I did that, the last text conversation he was having showed up.  It was between him and his friend Jason.  I don’t like Jason.  So I decided to peek.  I REALLY shouldn’t have.  They were discussing women and sex.  I was mentioned of course, but what he said was that I was better than all of his other women EXCEPT the one that came right before me.  Apparently she gave the best blow jobs ever.

I suppose this shouldn’t be a big deal except for the fact that he’s been telling me that I’m the best.  And now it appears that I’m not.  And that makes me start questioning EVERYTHING all over again.

I guess what it comes down to is that I just can’t fucking trust him and that really hurts.  I give this man everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, he asks for and a lot of things he doesn’t ask for.  I don’t know what more I could do for him.

I’m crushed, just fucking crushed.  And apparently it’s my fault for looking at his phone.  Nevermind the fact that when we first setup his phone we had to put my email account on it and for a couple of weeks he was reading all of my email – including the comments coming from here.  Yeah, let’s just conveniently forget about that, shall we?

I took a Xanax when I got here, I’m really hoping it kicks in soon.  I’ve got stuff to do today.

How in the name of all that is holy do I get a decent day for a change?  All it’s been lately is drama on top of drama on top of more drama.  We don’t seem capable of having a good day together during the week anymore.  I’m fucking sick of it.

I know I’m not the best partner, I’ve got faults like none other.  But I try, I really do.  When I’m feeling good I try to be as over the top lovey to him as I’m capable of.  I realize that when I’m feeling bad I probably give him way more grief than he deserves, but didn’t we vow to love each other in good times and BAD?

I’m trying to stay rational about this.  Guys talk shit about girls all the time, and they like to brag about their conquests.  Part of what he was saying to Jason was complimentary.  But I re-read that shit at least a dozen times to make sure I wasn’t overreacting, and I’m pretty sure I know what I saw.  And of course he’s busy at work today so he isn’t able to text me back like he usually would be able to, which is going to mean this will drag out all fucking day.

Honestly, if I hadn’t seen the word “blow job” on the screen I wouldn’t have paid it any attention.  But some words like that just kind of jump out and grab your eyes and demand immediate attention.

I really don’t want to have a melt down today, but I can feel it coming.  The tears are right below the surface right now.  How could he do this to me?  After everything I’ve done for him and all the nice things I always say about him?

The really fucking sick part is now I’m questioning whether or not he really loves me, or if those have just been more empty words.

oh how I hate you

Tags

alcohol, life, love, mental illness, random shit that falls out of my brain

I’m stressed.  No, STRESSED.  There’s far too much going on right now and not enough of me to go around.

I snapped at Josh this morning because I was just plain tired.  I didn’t want to talk to him, didn’t want to have to deal with his bullshit, but he just kept pushing.  I finally let him have it and then of course had to apologize.  I told him about being stressed.  When he finally got around to asking me what I was stressed about I told him about my performance evaluation coming up next week, that I’m worried about the trip, and that I’m worried that he’s started drinking more.

He told me there’s no sense in worrying about the performance eval, it’s nothing I can change now.  He told me that the trip is already a done deal, no sense in worrying about that, it’s too late to change our plans now.  And he told me that there’s absolutely no sense in worrying about his drinking because all that does is make things worse for the both of us.

EXCUSE ME????

I pointed out to him that it is not indeed too late to do anything about the trip, and by the way I’m not going.  I also told him that I’ll stop worrying about the drinking when there is no more drinking to worry about.  He’s always doing just exactly what he wants to do, why shouldn’t I?

So now there’s a pissing match going on about the fucking trip.  I absolutely do not want to go.  This trip is for the brat, let him take her and be miserable.  No need to involve me in it.  Except for whatever reason he’s insisting that I go.  I’m guessing because the plan is to stay with my uncle and, even with as big a mooch as he is, he wouldn’t be comfortable staying there without me.  So fine, take some of the spending money and get a hotel – problem solved.  But, but, we’re a FAMILY, we should all go, TOGETHER!  Bullshit.  She ain’t my family and if this shit keeps up, he won’t be for much longer either.  But, but, I LOVE YOU!  Again, BULLSHIT.  Just because you say you love someone doesn’t mean you can actually back it up with actions.  And let me tell you, that man’s actions speak way louder than the words he utters.

And of course y’all know by now that I will completely cave and go on the mother fucking trip because I am THAT doormat.

tuesday

Tags

bipolar disorder, kids, knitting, life, love, meds, mental illness, motivation, recipes, sleep

Last night ended up being almost completely unproductive.  I went home and rested for awhile, made dinner, and then crashed.  The laundry still requires attention.  Oh well…

Dinner was rather a success last night.  I’ve decided I enjoy making dinner more when I’m really cooking and not just preparing a meal.  Heating up sausages and making mac & cheese is fine, but it’s not really cooking in my opinion.  So last night I cooked.  I made salmon on the grill and made a really nice pineapple chutney to go with it.

Pineapple Chutney

1/2 stick of butter

1/2 medium yellow onion, diced

1 medium roasted red pepper, diced

24 oz pineapple tidbits in juice

1 C brown sugar

1/4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes

1 tsp Chinese 5 spice powder

Melt the butter in a large skillet.  Add the onions and cook until slightly softened.  Add roasted red pepper and cook another few minutes.  Add pineapple and juice and heat through.  Add crushed pepper flakes and 5 spice and stir to mix.  Allow to simmer over medium heat for at least 10 minutes.  Serve over rice.

I usually cook my salmon in a grill basket out on the big gas grill.  My mom gets the salmon at Costco and separates it into meal sized chunks.  I spray the grill basket with non stick cooking spray and then liberally season the salmon with fish seasoning.  Ten minutes per side is usually perfect.  I serve it with white rice and some kind of vegetable – last night it was frozen green beans.  Quite yummy.

I remembered to bring the sock with me today so that hopefully I can finish it.  All I need to do is the bind off edge and it’s done.  Then I’ll get the toe for the other one started.  I might just wait and leave it at that and take this sock with on the trip, I haven’t really decided yet.  I got some great new sock yarn the other day that I’m just itching to get into.  I figure I’ll take the stuff for socks and then I’m going to take yarn to make another Sonata shrug with me on the trip.  I think that should be plenty to keep me busy.

I’ve started making a shopping list of the last few bits we need to get before we leave.  Not sure when I’ll hit the store yet.  I still need to go get that new Geodon Rx picked up as well.  So much to do, so little energy to do it.

I did get an adapter thing from a friend at work yesterday that will allow me to take the pictures off my camera and load them on my iPad while we’re there.  If I can figure this all out I may be able to blog on the road.  No promises, but I’ll try.

Josh has been behaving himself for the most part.  We seem to be getting along fairly well right now, which is nice.  My mood is still kind of iffy but I think that’s because I’m starting to get stressed about the trip.  I’m just worried that the kid will get home sick while we’re there and there won’t really be anything I can do about it.  Maybe I’m wrong.  I just don’t think she’s ever been away from her mom for this length of time before.

Josh told me last night that he’s nervous about flying.  He’s only been on a plane once and that was more than 20 years ago.  I tried reassuring him and telling him that statistically you stand a MUCH greater chance of dying in a car accident than you do dying in a plane crash.  He wasn’t believing me I don’t think.  I’m sure it’ll be fine.

I really wish I could figure out how to get some of my energy back.  I feel like a slug right now and that’s never good.  I went to bed early last night and slept fairly well.  I just never seem to feel like I get enough sleep anymore, no matter how long I stay in bed.  I think part of the reason I haven’t picked up the Geodon is because I don’t really think it’ll help.  I really wish I could get my body to just naturally sort this mess out on it’s own.  I just have no idea how to go about doing that.  I’m drinking the tea at night to help calm me down, but it doesn’t seem to be enough.  I’m half tempted this weekend to try staying awake all night to see if I can physically exhaust myself.  The only problem with that is if it backfires, I’ll be fucked.

interesting weekend

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, friends, kids, life, love, mental illness

Well that was actually kind of fun…

We had the little gathering Friday night and that went really well.  Gemma and her husband joined us for dinner and then Fran came over a little later for dessert.  We all got a little tipsy.  Fran ended up staying the night, which was kind of awesome.

the 3 amigos

Saturday morning we got up and got some breakfast and picked the kid up.  Apparently her illness was due to allergies.  She seemed fine by the time we got her.  We headed to the ren faire and had a lovely time.  This is the first time I’ve been to this one and I’ll definitely go again next year.  Josh even said he’ll go back again.  We did some shopping, ate some snow cones, just a really nice time.  Josh got me a necklace for Mother’s Day.

Celtic Love Knot

It’s a hand poured pewter Celtic Love Knot.  It’s beautiful.  I’m wearing it today.

After the faire we went and hung out with Gemma for awhile before going to dinner.  After that it was off to Josh’s half-sister’s graduation party.  We finally went home and crashed.

Sunday morning we got up and did the breakfast thing again before taking the kid home.  Josh and I then we back to our place and started doing chores.  It was a pretty productive day.  We got almost all of what I’d wanted to get done accomplished.

When my mom got home we all went out to a Chinese buffet for dinner.  They were having crab legs in honor of Mother’s Day.  I love crab legs but I hate to crack them.  Josh went up and got a huge plate full and a bowl of butter and proceeded to crack them all for me.  That’s love folks.

He was actually really good all weekend.  I didn’t have too much trouble getting him out of bed, he behaved himself, we didn’t fight at all, it was quite awesome.

My mood has been pretty decent.  I feel like maybe now he really will start trying to be a better husband.  On Friday he got me a bouquet of roses.  He said he figured he’d do something to upset me before the weekend was over so he wanted to apologize in advance.  Kind of corny, but sweet.

I’ve only got 6 days of work left before the trip.  We won’t actually leave until the 23rd, but I took the day before so I can pack and get ready.  I haven’t gone on a trip like this in years and I want to make sure I don’t forget anything.  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to write while I’m gone or not.  First, I’m not sure when I’d have time and second, I’m not sure I can do it from my iPad.  I’m sure I’ll come back with lots of pictures.

numb

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, kids, life, limits, love, mental illness, suicide

I feel completely numb from the brain down.

Josh apparently had a really bad day yesterday so he got beer on the way home.  Delightful.  He proceeded to get drunk and really talkative.  It appears he’s depressed again and thinking about suicide.  Not actively, just more the “wish I was dead” kind of thinking.  I tried to comfort him as best I could but I was completely disgusted.  Drinking is NOT the way to solve this problem.

His job is frustrating him again.  He makes barely more than minimum wage and isn’t happy with the management.  Rather than get off his dead ass and try to find another job, he bitches.  I have no patience for this.  When something in my life is making me unhappy I try to figure out what I can do to make it better.  (hence my staying with the asshole – I keep thinking I can get him to become a better man – starting to think this is a losing battle)  Anyway, he just wants to crawl in a fucking bottle and drown his sorrows.  I’ve been telling him again how much the drinking scares me and how much I don’t want to lose him.  He just keeps telling me that everything is fine and he’ll be ok.

Seriously?

So I had a follow up appointment with my psych doc this morning.  She said no more Xanax – it’s too addictive.  She also suggested that I find an AlAnon meeting to go to and see if that doesn’t help with the stress from Josh’s drinking.  And she’s increasing my Geodon.  Gotta try to find time this weekend to go to the pharmacy to get new pills.  She’s really concerned that Josh is dragging me down with him and while she didn’t quite come out and say it, the implication was that I’d really be better off without him.

I’m kind of stuck.  I love him, I think, and I’d like to find a way to make things better.  However, he’s got to be an active participant in making some changes and quite frankly I don’t think he acknowledges the need.  He may tell me that he’s going to change, but he won’t.  He’ll just do like usual and tell me precisely what I want to hear and then go behind my back and do whatever the fuck he wants to anyway.  I’m really pretty sick of it.

Again this morning he told me that he won’t get sick because he’s got this under control.  Yeah, you’re going to drink 4 days in a row and you’ve completely got this under control.  Tell me another one.

I’m really dreading the upcoming trip, so bad that I’m on the verge of cancelling it.  I just know we’re going to fight the whole time we’re there and not only will that not be good for me, but I can’t really imagine what that would do to the kid.  I’m seriously thinking about telling him if he wants to go so fucking bad he can just take her himself.

We’re supposed to have her this weekend and now I’m not sure that’s going to happen either.  I texted the ex this morning to tell her to make sure the kid wears good shoes tomorrow since we’re going to the renaissance faire and she got back and said the brat’s been running a fever for 2 days, they’re going to the doctor this morning.  So now I have no idea what’s going on.  If she’s running a fever I don’t want her.  I’ve got too much stuff to do in the next few weeks to get sick.  Besides, sick kids are crabby kids and I’m not going to deal with that.

I really wish I could have a day to myself again.  Just one would be enough.  A day where I could get up on my own with no fucking rooster alarm clock, take a shower when I wanted to, drink some mocha, knit, listen to the quiet sounds of a sleeping kitty, and not have to do anything for anyone else all day.  Wouldn’t that be lovely?